Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

Please help...desperate and now Social services now involved

161 replies

Micramummy · 09/02/2018 05:32

So I am in the process of divorcing my husband of of over 14 years after finding horrendous catalogue of pornographic and transsexual images and videos on his lap top going back several years including adverts to meet men and women in local woodlands for sex ad photo shoots etc. I have been completely in shock since the discovery and on autopilot for months whilst trying to divorce him and sell the family home.
My relationship with my dd has always been very fractious and she has always been incredibly close to her father. I was always very strict and him always very soft and I was always the career one and him at home a lot more.
I raise my hand and admit that I have smacked her from time to time when she has been out of line but over the last 8 months with all that is going on she has become more and more protective of her daddy and more and more abusive towards me (she is a teenager). She has some knowledge of what he has been doing-cross dressing/internet etc and actually thinks it’s ‘cool’ and tells me I am prejudice and he hasn’t broken any laws etc: She actually says she blames me because I was always at work Shock clearly she doesn’t know the sex/pornographic/videos part!
It rips me apart every time he is sat on her bed with a take away loving the limelight while she barely even lets me in her room and tells me daily she wants to live with Dad when the house is sold etc....
On two or three occasions over the last 8 mth we have got into a horrible confrontation and I have slapped her. I know this is wrong and have apologised to her after and tried to talk to her but there is just no getting through and I feel totally helpless in this complete horror story that I am living in.
Because of my stbxh I have lost my 17 year relationship, my family, my beautiful home is on the market, my daughter hates me..... and now she has told the school I hit her and they have reported me to social services !!!
I’ve now got to have a CAF and I am a professional women and could end up losing my career aswell as everything else.... I honestly don’t know what to do and almost took an overdose yesterday because I am so desperate

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 10/02/2018 16:04

A teenager's wishes are likely to prevail in family court unless there are safeguarding issues. It's clear there are already safeguarding concerns and a CAF is in place in relation to the mother's violence. We don't know the nature of the father's actions. Videos of himself wanking when noone else was home - unlikely to be a concern. Something more serious - may change the picture.

RedDogsBeg · 10/02/2018 16:27

The daughter doesn't know nor understand the full extent of her father's behaviour towards the OP, yet the OP is to excused for punishing her daughter for preferring her father, seriously?

The issues between the OP and her husband are between them and them only the daughter should not be put in a position to take sides and then physically admonished for doing so. None of this is the fault of the daughter and the OP is so far in the wrong for taking out her anger and frustration on her that I cannot believe posters are excusing her for it.

The OP has clearly stated it is not a 'one-off' she has raised her hand to her daughter several times and, if I read the OP correctly, has done so as a method of discipline before this.

Shehz21 · 10/02/2018 16:43

All of you assuming that the daughter doesn't know everything about the dad, why did the OP then mention about them two "blackmailing" her if she(OP) divulged the full extent of the father's behavior to SS or whoever. This make it quite clear that the daughter is aware of the full extent of what her father has been doing and is completely okay with that.
It seems like end of the day the DD has grown to resent her mother and whatever wrong her father does, she still wants to side by him.

Original poster
Micramummy · 10/02/2018 17:20

I accept comments and consider all opinions.
I do however dispute that I am 'taking out my frustrations' on my dd.
The reasons I have smacked my dd are nothing to do with my ex's behaviour they are to do with dd behaviour! which has escalated since this has happened....eg

Squaring up to my face, swearing in my face, taking inappropriate photos of herself and talking to people 'males' she doesn't know on the internet and refusing to give me her phone....when I have tried to tell her off or challenge these behaviours she just threatens me with
' I hate you, I'm going to live with dad and there is nothing you can do about it' .....'I don't blame dad for doing what he did, you are a bitch' etc etc She is 14 years old and her behaviour at these times is unacceptable and at times quite frankly dangerous.....

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 10/02/2018 17:28

OK, what you have just said shows how vulnerable DD is

She needs professional support to keep her safe, as it would seem that neither of her parents is able to do that at the moment.

Have you looked at the trans widows' thread that Maryz linked to earlier? I really think you will find it helpful in processing what has happened to your relationship.

SS ought to know what your STBXH has been doing in the family home, as they need to know the risk factors in the situation in order to keep her safe. Not because you want to try to shame him or to get SS to take your ""side"

Original poster
Micramummy · 10/02/2018 17:35

Actually...I haven't even told SS yet what he has done and most people I have just said he had an affair because I am so embarrassed for me and for her! so not trying to shame anyone to get people on my side!

It was me who booked us in for family therapy to try and help support her professionally and it was me who asked for a school meeting because I was struggling to manage her behaviour.

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 10/02/2018 17:38

Tell the school and social services everything about your husband so that they can understand the dynamics.

The hitting has to stop though. Start reading some teen parenting books. Look at books on amazon. Change things. It has to start with your behaviour, not his or hers.

Tell your DD that there is a lot she doesn’t know about and she will just have to trust your judgment

bastardkitty · 10/02/2018 17:40

Your DD is not the problem here and I'm saying this so bluntly because you need to face up to this now. Her behaviour is a cause for concern but symptomatic of the family situation. Your interpretation of that behaviour is not okay and responding with violence is not okay either. You seem a bit oblivious to this. Did it occur to you to think that several of your DD's behaviours seem to be emulating her father's?

walabaloo · 10/02/2018 17:48

Tbh I can't think how his behaviour is relevant , you are just deflecting blame.

Your daughter arguing with you is not an excuse to hit her! If you were really remorseful you'd stop minimising.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2018 17:49

Your daughter sounds like she is going through a terrible time and is very vulnerable. Her behavuour does not excuse or justify your assaults on her. In fact I'd assume her behaviour is because of your assaults.

You say you just slapped her around a little. Social services believe your physical abuse of this child was on a much larger scale and refuse to accept your minimised version, why is this?

You're the one leaving the family home. Why is this? Is it deemed unsafe whilst you're there?

Why do her and her father sit in her room eating dinner and you're not allowed in? Is it because of the above point?

I'm in no doubt your daughter did those things. My question would be why. Was she doing it in retaliation? Kids don't just walk up to uou and square up to uou for no reason whilst happily doing their homework. If she's squaring up to you, there will be a reason.

I also think you saying her behaviour is dangerous is highly ironic. Both you and your husband have taught her all she knows in this regard.

Original poster
Micramummy · 10/02/2018 17:51

bastardkitty TOTALLY! and that is what scares me

I do need to change my behaviour, massively. I just feel helpless at the moment as I asked these people for help and have ended up being in trouble, which is understandable I know.
I want help
I want and love and cherish my dd, I will never have another and she is my world sand I feel like I have lost her
I've told her to trust me and when she is older she will understand about her father etc etc but she just says I'm trying to turn her against him and pushes me away

OP posts:
Original poster
Micramummy · 10/02/2018 17:55

oh and I've looked at the 'Trans widows' link.
I started reading it and I felt physically sick, its too early, I think I am still in shock to be honest. I think I've been in shock ever since ....

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 10/02/2018 17:58

Hitting is not cherishing. You have undermined her trust in you. You. She is right - you do want to turn her against her father. Who knows whether your reasons for this are sound or not.

Original poster
Micramummy · 10/02/2018 18:02

Bluntness I do think you are making a lot of assumptions and are quite insulting.
I have never said I 'just slapped her around a little'?
and S Services so far have been very helpful and never said anything about serious physical abuse!
I have left the family home because I am trying to avoid me and ex arguing in front of dd and he has nowhere to go...I have!
...and I talked it through with social worker first to ensure they knew I was not abandoning her, it was m choice, and it was to stop her living in a war zone!
AS for minimizing my behaviour....I feel fucking terrible and have asked school, family, friends, family therapy to help me..and my dd ! if I was minimizing it I wouldn't be highlighting it and asking for help...

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/02/2018 18:04

Why would you trust someone who hiits you? Read some of the threads on here advising abused women, no one thinks they should trust the person who slaps them about.

And stop playing the victim, your daughter is the victim. Not uou. You are the culprit.

OlennasWimple · 10/02/2018 18:04

she just says I'm trying to turn her against him and pushes me away

Well, she's right, isn't she?

For (understandable) reasons, you would prefer it if she said that she wasn't going to have anything more to do with him and she only wanted to be with you.

But that's not going to happen because a) she doesn't know the full extent of what he has done, and b) he is still her father, and it's incredibly difficult for her to relinquish that relationship, especially as she thinks he has "only" had an affair.

Bookmark the "widows" thread and come back to it when you feel able.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2018 18:05

I have never said I 'just slapped her around a little'?
and S Services so far have been very helpful and never said anything about serious physical abuse!

Yeah, you did. Read your posts. You said you slapped her a few times and social services wanted you to admit you beat her.

Bluedoglead · 10/02/2018 18:07

You’ve carefully worded your posts.

Did your ex have sex with other people in your bed, like you implied? Did he film this? Or was what he filmed himself wanking?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 10/02/2018 18:07

So why did you hit her? What was the context. You need to reflect on your parenting to change the way you behave because it’s not solving things

Altwoo · 10/02/2018 18:13

Stop hitting your daughter.

HTH.

Original poster
Micramummy · 10/02/2018 18:15

Bluedoglead to be honest once I found stuff, the more I looked the more I found, so I stopped as it was traumatic. I don't know what he has done....?

Yes I have slapped her. I have not denied it and I will not do it again. I am the adult and I shouldn't have lost control.
Actually I don't want her to not see her father, may hate him but he is her father and they love each other.
As for them sitting on bed eating take aways.... he has been her father for 14 years, all this takeaways in bed, taking friends away with them for the weekend, meeting in town shopping, etc etc has started in the last few months. He NEVER did any of this before! so I am sorry, its not a reflection of their wonderful relationship and me being a monster not allowed in her room, its manipulation!

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 10/02/2018 18:17

Right. So the inference you left hanging that he filmed himself, in your bed, having sex with other trans people, you didn’t see? You have no evidence of?

Original poster
Micramummy · 10/02/2018 18:26

I saw enough, pictures, videos, adverts, fake profiles....thanks. the images will never leave my mind.

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 10/02/2018 18:27

Yes. But you were a bit disingenuous. You have deliberately left an impression f something that you did not see.

Taylor22 · 10/02/2018 18:28

He might be adulterous but that doesn't hurt your daughter.

You assaulting her hurts her.

He is going to be RP. Deal with the divorce. Work out maintenance payments and then try and work out a way to rebuild a relationship with your daughter.

If she wants one. Her age dictates a lot and many children do choose to have limited or no contact with the parents who assaulted them.