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Original poster

Can they take my baby away

844 replies

saraheve · 06/01/2017 00:23

HI i really need some advice, my 9 year old son was taken into care due to depression i was unable to keep on top of housework, I was binge drinking on weekends and I was in a unhappy relationship with childs farther, since my son has been taken into care I have attended therapy, hired a cleaner, attended a parent recovery group, relapse prevention group and took parenting courses. I am 8 months pregnant due to give birth very soon, I was given a prebirth assessment that said social services will go to court if they see that babys needs are not being met, unborn baby is on child protection and on the plan it says the same, yet social services say they want to take me to court? I was told their is no present concerns and I have addressed all previous concerns yet they want to still take it to court based on pre historic. I have so much evidence of significant changes yet they want to keep me in hospital once baby is born and have a discharge planning meeting where they may take baby away. Have they got any grounds since I have made significant changes and their is no present concerns. I am very devastated please can somone advise me? Thanks.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 09/01/2017 03:40

Are you absolutely sure SS have said they are in favour of ex having unsupervised visits with ex? Is it possible you have misread/misheard something?

RebootYourEngine · 09/01/2017 06:35

Well done for seeking out and completing the programmes that you have already.

However from what i have read here you are still in an abusive relationship. Your ex is emotionally abusing you.

Shutthatdoor12 · 09/01/2017 06:42

I think if they believed you were now capable you would have your son back surely? My sister has had s lot of ss involvement and I have had her children living with me a lot over the past 11 years. Only if they see you fit will they let your children come home. I don't understand why your son isn't back with you? I think they do have the power to remove your baby at birth if they don't think your fit enough to care for your children. Why isn't your son home if your sticking to the ss advice??

donajimena · 09/01/2017 07:09

sarah I've been where you are with the ex bashing on the door. The only thing that worked was contacting the police. I didn't have any SS concerns though but I wanted to live in peace in my own home.
I do understand how difficult it is. If you don't answer the phone it keeps ringing, then they turn up at your house. You are terrified of the door being banged/kicked in if you don't answer it. One of the reasons I avoided police action was I was terrified that it would just make him more angry.
But I realised that it would NEVER stop unless I did something.
You will lose this baby if you do not do something. I think you need to get to womens aid asap. They know what you are afraid of.

Shutthatdoor12 · 09/01/2017 07:10

Just read tft op this baby will be taken away. Ss are obviously aware you are still in a relationship with 'the ex' and therefore your new baby will be at risk as your son was. Shocking to see how many young women chose men over their children. Even after having one child removed your still happy to have this man around you and in your home.

donajimena · 09/01/2017 07:21

I don't think she's happy. But she needs to do more to get him out of her life.

UnbornMortificado · 09/01/2017 07:55

mathan I would of been sceptical till I actually witnessed it. Abusers can act like charming, contrite people too.

JerryFerry · 09/01/2017 08:56

sara you have been working very hard to improve your health and life which is great, but you don't seem to have any concept of boundaries for healthy relationships. You are not alone. It is very difficult to work out what is acceptable unless you have been taught during your upbringing.

However, you need to learn about boundaries very quickly so you can keep yourself safe and keep your children safe.

I would really encourage you to take advice from mathanxiety (above), and to follow SS instructions to the letter. If you are at all unclear about what is expected of you, ask them to explain it again or to write it down.

It's a bit like learning to cook. At first you need to follow recipes to the letter but after a while you just know what to do.

Primaryteach87 · 09/01/2017 09:09

Hi, I've supported mums going through this. It's so tough and actually social services don't always get it right (I would see mum and kids thirty hours a week due to my job and social worker usually only couple of weeks).
My advice would be:
-keep talking to your solicitor and get them to attend any meetings you can.
-at the end of every meeting keep getting in writing exactly what that want you to do. So you can then prove you are doing it. Don't allow them to be vague or subjective. Ask for objective outcomes.
-keep pushing for your son's return
-get medical support (if depression was a factor, will your GP agree that you are know treating this?)
-if possible get a family support worker from a charity (e.g women's aid) who can help to document your changes.
-keep positive! Keep up the changes and don't allow set backs to impact your lifestyle. Likely as not at some point social services will be unhelpful or unkind or unfair. Rise above that, challenge it politely and keep up your changes!

user1480946351 · 09/01/2017 09:15

social services said their is no present concerns, yet they are unsure if am able to sustain thease changes even though I know I can

There are no present concerns because you don't have any children living with you. If you were to have the baby with you, there would be major concerns, hence the planning.

Devilishpyjamas · 09/01/2017 09:23

I agree about searching for an advocate (may be worth checking the NAS as well - I think their website has a section on advocacy). It does sound as if you are misunderstanding a lot of what SS are saying and an advocate would be there for you & you only (they don't represent an agency). They can't fix things for you but they can make sure that your voice is heard and can help you understand. Locally we have an advocacy service for mothers in exactly your position - they work closely with children's services. It might be worth asking SS whether there is anything like that in your area.

I don't think anyone who met you or spoke to you could doubt how much you want to keep your baby or that you are prepared to try your best. Unfortunately they will need to see that you can keep your baby safe by yourself, not just that you want to. The freedom programme sounds a good idea.

thatdearoctopus · 09/01/2017 09:28

And I know you mean well by this, but you can sign up for all the baby massage sessions in the world, but it will count for nothing if you allow your ex anywhere near you or the baby.

Original poster
saraheve · 09/01/2017 09:50

Hi thanks for everyone's advice even though some is hard to swallow I know it's the truth. I will do my best to keep this man away it's not easy as his extreemly persistent, but I will seek out support around this. My son isn't back with me as he was taken in Aug 2016 and the order can only be discharged every 6 months and they want to see a sustained change for at least a year, and want to see if I can look after baby. It's extremely hard as I miss him so much we are very close.

OP posts:
Original poster
saraheve · 09/01/2017 10:04

donajimena I think you must understand I do keep saying don't come round but he does not listen to me. I'm not putting any man above my children its just very hard to get out of as he doesn't listen. It's not because I want him around. If social services don't put me in a mother and baby unit I might try and self refer or go to a refuge. I will do my best as I really would not put any man above my children. I just wanted some support as a lot of women feel in a abusive relationship trapped. Lucky his moved out i have told him I can't have him around anymore as it's putting baby at risk. If he does not listen I will have to move

OP posts:
LoveDeathPrizes · 09/01/2017 10:06

Hi Sarah. Part of SS concerns will stem from the fact that baby's wellbeing was compromised whilst still in uteruo. As you said, you were four months pregnant when your son was removed so I assume you were using drunks and drinking heavily when you were pregnant? For this reason, your baby will already be considered at risk and you will really have to go the extra mile to prove you can prioritise her wellbeing. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Original poster
saraheve · 09/01/2017 10:07

Devilishpyjamas I have been diagnosed with autism this is not a accuse but one of the symptoms is misunderstanding information. I think a advocate would be a good idea I'll look into it.

OP posts:
UnbornMortificado · 09/01/2017 10:19

User extremely helpful of you. Was there any advice to go with that post? Or just trying to stick the knife in.

Sarah would you be able to ring women's aid and explain your concerns about the door being kicked in etc? See what they suggest. It would show that you are being pro-active.

user1480946351 · 09/01/2017 10:21

Explaining something fundamental the OP doesn't seem to appreciate is a lot more helpful than all the posting of flowers and fake support.

Hmm
Gallavich · 09/01/2017 10:25

Sarah
Has your son only been removed in August? I thought you said he wasn't coming back, which made me think it was a final care order made in August. Are the care proceedings for your son still going on? Is there a final court date? I'm a little bit confused. The talknof reducing contact made me think it was a full care order but you seem to believe that they could discharge it - is that realistic? What does your lawyer say?

UnbornMortificado · 09/01/2017 10:26

It's called fucking empathy. Something you sound lacking it. HTH

FriendofBill · 09/01/2017 10:37

SS probably think that you can't protect the children.
If I were you I would want to move to refuge/move area and take steps to protect the children from him.
What will you do if he turns up and demands to see the baby, then starts pushing you/both around?
Just saying he is persistent is not a defence.
You need to get away.
You need to show that you will protect the children.

aginghippy · 09/01/2017 10:39

I will do my best to keep this man away it's not easy as his extremely persistent, but I will seek out support around this.

Good idea. Of course it is not easy because he is an abuser. You have not been able to keep him away yourself, so get all the support you can to do it. You need to work out a plan or plans for what you will do when he contacts you or tries to come round.

aginghippy · 09/01/2017 10:47

This page on the NAS website has a section at the bottom about finding an advocate.

user1480946351 · 09/01/2017 10:56

It's called fucking empathy. Something you sound lacking it. HTH

It's not empathy.

Shutthatdoor12 · 09/01/2017 10:58

OP why are you allowing him at the birth if you are scared of him and don't want him in your home? Your posts don't make sense.

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