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Original poster

Can they take my baby away

844 replies

saraheve · 06/01/2017 00:23

HI i really need some advice, my 9 year old son was taken into care due to depression i was unable to keep on top of housework, I was binge drinking on weekends and I was in a unhappy relationship with childs farther, since my son has been taken into care I have attended therapy, hired a cleaner, attended a parent recovery group, relapse prevention group and took parenting courses. I am 8 months pregnant due to give birth very soon, I was given a prebirth assessment that said social services will go to court if they see that babys needs are not being met, unborn baby is on child protection and on the plan it says the same, yet social services say they want to take me to court? I was told their is no present concerns and I have addressed all previous concerns yet they want to still take it to court based on pre historic. I have so much evidence of significant changes yet they want to keep me in hospital once baby is born and have a discharge planning meeting where they may take baby away. Have they got any grounds since I have made significant changes and their is no present concerns. I am very devastated please can somone advise me? Thanks.

OP posts:
UnbornMortificado · 09/01/2017 19:33

Sarah if nothing else I can relate to the MH troubles. Whatever else has happened or not happened 5 months of stability is an achievement. I imagine 5 months sober is as well.

I really hope you and your children get the best possible outcome.

user1480946351 · 09/01/2017 19:33

Nobody is trying to do anything to you. You asked for advice, you got some good advice, you really should at least listen to it.

It seems all you want to hear is that everything will be just fine, but from everything you have said I can't see that being easy. You'll need to dial back the paranoia and aggressive responses to advice if you are going to engage properly with authorities.
Best of luck,

user1480946351 · 09/01/2017 19:35

Could you call the national DV helpline and look into refuges?

She wouldn't be eligible for refuge, she lives alone.

AllOfTheCoffee · 09/01/2017 19:35

I don't think anyone wants you to give up, Sarah, I think posters are worried you might not be fully understanding the processes in play. As you say your solicitor is best placed to advise you on what still needs doing and what the next step is.

MN can only ever offer opinion and support.

Original poster
saraheve · 09/01/2017 19:40

user1480946351 im not a aggressive person. I'm just sticking up for myself. What's wrong with that. I'm not gonna get down with anything you say because people can guess or assume but don't have the facts. I know I can do it and people who really know me know I can. I'm not going to give up nomater who puts me down.

OP posts:
Original poster
saraheve · 09/01/2017 19:47

I am determined to keep up the changes I've made isn't that a good thing. This thread has given me some good advice but the blunt comments that are actually saying the opersit of what ss are telling me is doing me more harm than good.

OP posts:
SallyInSweden · 09/01/2017 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 09/01/2017 19:51

Sarah

You have done incredibly well, I'm very impressed 💐

I know SS have told you that your Ex isn't the problem, but if I were you I wouldn't listen to that. The person who told you that mightbthink that's the case, but I'm sure others there will not. He is still controlling you & bullying you, you're just not quite seeing it. I would tell his Mum that you will not be allowed to keep the baby or get your DS back if you have any contact with him and so he must stay away and so must she. That if he just turns up you are obliged to call the police. Because if another person at SS sees you are still having contact with him they will most likely take your baby away and are not likely to get your DS back. You'd only have your word against your SW's word that she said it was ok. Don't take the risk.

Original poster
saraheve · 09/01/2017 20:02

If they take the baby away I will be extreemly hurt but I still won't give up the changes I've made. I just hope they will give me a chance im seeing my solicitor on Thursday hopefully push for a mother and baby unit so they can see I am doing everything right or anything similar. Wish me luck I really need it. X

OP posts:
WannaBe · 09/01/2017 20:03

I agree with shut as well. More historical I know but my DP was abused to the point he has a visual impairment, and still SS didn't remove him or his (three subsequent) siblings for seven years, during which time they were subjected to the worst abuse imaginable. And the mum maintained that none of it was her doing (even though it was) and that her partner was responsible..... She did go on to have further children FWIW which she was allowed to keep as they were with a different partner. But she never got her other kids back.

The thing is with drug and alcohol use is that the user doesn't see it as that bad, so when the children are removed they see it as being because of a bit of weed and drinking at weekends when actually it's a lot more than that, and the emotional and psychological impacts on the children are far more far-reaching than a bit of weed or some alcohol.

Also, whatever led to the child being removed will have been bad if SS require commitment to show that change is sustainable. But at the moment SS are moving in the opposite direction to remove access not to be in a position where the child is being returned.

FeelTheNoise · 09/01/2017 20:05

user she'd be able to go there with her baby, and you can move into a refuge to get away from an abusive former partner, you don't have to be in a relationship to access a refuge

AllOfTheCoffee · 09/01/2017 20:10

If they take the baby away I will be extreemly hurt but I still won't give up the changes I've made.

I'm very glad to hear that and wish you all the luck with your continued sobriety.

Remember MN can be here just for lighthearted chats as well as more serious advise and support. You don't need to need advise to post if you're just feeling a bit down or lonely. We like talking about rubbish too.

Good luck with the solicitor. I hope you manage to get some clear guidance from him/her as to what you should be doing next.

user1480946351 · 09/01/2017 20:23

user she'd be able to go there with her baby, and you can move into a refuge to get away from an abusive former partner, you don't have to be in a relationship to access a refuge

Refuges are under massive cuts and there is no room for people fleeing current DV. No refuge is going to take a single woman who is not fleeing DV at the moment with significant MH/SS issues and multiple agency involvement, It simply is not appropriate or possible.

UnbornMortificado · 09/01/2017 21:01

Most refuges will or did any road accept women with MH issues. There's an obvious link between and abuse and MH issues. Can't remember the percentage.

Four out of six I believe was the figures for my nearest ones. Although I'm going back three years.

user1480946351 · 09/01/2017 21:02

Of course they will. But NOT in the above circumstances.

UnbornMortificado · 09/01/2017 21:06

I couldn't tell you I only know the MH side of it.

It doesn't hurt to inform the op (or anyone else reading) incase she needs access to one in the future with different circumstances.

WannaBe · 09/01/2017 22:08

There is afaik a type of fostering now which includes the mum and the baby going to live with the FC. The FC is essentially then responsible for the baby but obviously the mum is caring for it but still free to come and go while receiving support. It's possible that that kind of arrangement might be better for the OP than e.g. A mother/baby unit or a refuge.

DearMrDilkington · 09/01/2017 22:20

Sara when are you due? I'd contact a solicitor tomorrow and find out what's going on. If you go in to early Labour the last thing you need is to worry about a social worker showing up out of the blue. At least if you find out what's going on you can prepare yourself for whatever outcome is planned.

QuiteLikely5 · 09/01/2017 22:50

Op

I admire the changes you have made to your situation.

I'm thinking that your son has endured much owing to your past circumstances and that is a pain you will continue to live with.

I see that you want a fresh start and that you are trying so hard to turn your life around.

People on here and social workers included - can be sceptical about that because they know it can be very hard to change.

Being in the mother and baby unit is not the real test - being home with a child is, coping alone and the pressures that come with it.

Your cleaner - why do you need one?

Your ex - you say he has changed? It would be great if he has but how do you know that he has? What proof do you have?

Have you lived with him under the same set of circumstances?

Coming on here will have given you things to consider - good luck - and I genuinely mean it

UnbornMortificado · 09/01/2017 23:03

Wanna my friend daughter was in one of those placements. I don't know the full circumstances but she did have an older son who was placed with the fathers mam iirc.

She was 17/18 at the time. I'm going back a good five years.

I don't know if that's any help sarah I know the outcome of the placement but I don't think it's relative.

Original poster
saraheve · 09/01/2017 23:44

Hi QuiteLikely5 I have a cleaner as I was brought up in a very messy household and struggled with housework myself, I have been diagnosed with autism and sometimes autistic people find it hard to prioritise tasks and when im depressed i get overwhelmed and and let the housework go. Having a cleaner once a week helps me keep on top of the cleaning as theirs a lesser load to do. It's really helped me keep on top of things. The social worker even said my house is more tidier than hers. Also I cleared out a lot of clutter and try to have things mininalistic that helps. This was previously a major concern of ss I didn't think it was as bad as they said when living in it as I was grown up in a messy household and at the time considered it as normal. But now I'm much more proud of my home. I understand some people find it hard to change especially if their not given the right support. I heard some people who loose there kids self distruct more because its extreemly emotionally painful or some dont except. Of course i wish i would of made thease changes sooner thats something i will regret for the rest of my life. But at the time i didnt understand or believe or accept the seriousness of it. I have changed things round I just need to proove now it's forever. Thanks.

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Original poster
saraheve · 09/01/2017 23:50

Hi DearMrDilkington im due in 5 days. They said I have to stay in their for at least a week to see how I respond and bond with baby they said the want to see im bonding and I will be monitored and seen by the mental health team to see how I'm feeling after birth. Then their will be a discharge planning meeting before I'm discharged but I guess the outcome of that will be how well I'm bonding and looking after baby and my state of my mental health. 5 days to go so no signs yet. Baby is very healthy and normal size e ect though so I'm blessed with a healthy baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
saraheve · 09/01/2017 23:56

I will see my solicitor Thursday. I spoke to ss today she said they will be going to court but she said that doesn't mean the baby will be taken away. I could go unit or stay with a foster carer or stay in my home with ss coming in very regularly she said it could be a lot of outcomes. So I just prey that I can be given a chance. But I have to prepare also for the worst and if I am separated have to still continue with the changes I've made. Social worker says I have to remain positive.

OP posts:
UnbornMortificado · 09/01/2017 23:56

Sara different topics can help on here with specific problems.

Housekeeping has frequent motivation threads (used it myself)

From what you have said I understand the cannabis was more problematic then then the booze. If you ever get tempted there is an alcohol support group called brave babes.

The mental health board has some very clever posters too if you are ever feeling low or need advice on your mood or feelings.

That's just off the top of my head, whatever's going on and whatever happens a bit extra support can't go amiss.

Original poster
saraheve · 10/01/2017 00:02

UnbornMortificado thanks I will check it out im new to mums net. I do go to relapse prevention group and parent recovery that can be ongoing. So that really helps. Thanks again. I feel like a sponge now learning new skills and bettering myself. At least when my son does come home (not sure how or when that will be) I'll be a better and stronger person x

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