Our stuff at PILs', they won't let us have it back.

[MilchandCookies]

The stuff is actually gold and silver coins worth a considerable sum. They have always been kept in their safe, as DH and I were in rented a while with nowhere to keep them. And then there are the savings books for accounts FIL opened in DCs' names, but refuses to let us have the books for.

Narcissistic arsehole FIL summoned DH to come and pick the coins up, saying he no longer wanted to be burdened by them. When DH arrived, FIL decided he wasn't going to let DH have them and took the opportunity to scream and shout at him instead. (We are in the process of going no-contact.) He laughed at the suggestion DH take the savings books. He said if he was going to save money for the children, it was going to be completely on his terms and had nothing to do with us.

When DH felt that FIL was going to get violent, he left, empty-handed. And very shaken.

How do we get the coins and the savings books? We can prove we are the legal owners of the coins, and as the accounts are in the children's names we are the legal owners of the books, too. But if he won't let us have them back, what can we do?

Many thanks.

Ok, fair enough, Moving. I'm not good with the legal jargon.

Thanks, red.

You'll need to be specific and accurate when dealing with the bank because your average person working there is poorly trained on all matters related to trusts, power of attorney and how to administer and execute estates - so you need your wits about you to avoid wasting your time.

I say this as someone with many years experience in the industry and a dh who is still there.

If you are going no contact, don't send the presents back. Sending them is a form of communication/contact. Bin them or, if you prefer, give to a charity shop.

I think you are handling it just right in terms of telling the dc. 'They haven't been kind to us, so we don't want to see them' is honest and age appropriate. If dd asks again, that will still be true. You don't need to make an announcement about going no contact.

If you are going no contact, don't send the presents back. Sending them is a form of communication/contact. Bin them or, if you prefer, give to a charity shop.

^ this. Please I would personally not accept any more money for the DC in the savings account either tbf.

Sorry yes just give the presents away

OP, even if you got these books, you couldn't stop ILs saving for your DCs - they could open new accounts. So just forget about the whole thing.

And if you don't need the money from the coins now, then just enjoy the peace that NC allows you.

I'll accept that I have no experience of this level of behaviour, though I have kept one gp fairly separate from ds, but rather like the savings accounts I would let the dc have the presents as part of a possible future relationship. Right now you would clearly be protecting your dc to keep them apart but there will come a time when it's not your decision any more.

I understand why you feel you own these coins but in reality they were gifts (imaginary or otherwise) which the giver has never actually given you. As he now declines to do so, I'm not sure what you can say. A solicitor's letter might be worth a try, although I suspect it is only going to cause another almighty shitstorm. As you have no relationship to salvage it might be worth it get your hands on the actual coins but it would be more prudent to write them off and move on, I think.

I would probably give the presents to charity, particularly if you can find one FIL would really dislike (somehow I don't think this will be hard). No acknowledgements.

I think the OP did have the coins at one point, but they were put in PILs safe temporarily.

I think the OP did have the coins at one point, but they were put in PILs safe temporarily.

We have the exact same situation. We went no contact. We left behind all the things they were storing for us. Used as blackmail but we walked away.

They still send cards etc, we bin them. No contact means no contact.

Stay strong, don't engage, don't let them win.

Life is bliss without them.

we tell the kids that not all families are good and that mine are not. We tell them no one has the right to hurt you, and just because they are family doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

good luck, and well done to you and your dh for protecting yourselves and your family from narcissism.

X

Thank you, Carrie, and to the others for your supportive posts. It helps to know we're not the first to go through something like this. "No contact means no contact" is my new mantra. Any presents will be given to the refugee charity here. That will tickle FIL.

We are going to write off the coins and expect to never see them again. And we are going to leave the savings books with FIL. He can continue paying in if he wants. The accounts are in the DCs' names. The money is theirs. (That's why we had to sign to open the accounts, as parents. FIL isn't just saving willy-nilly in one of his own accounts for them. It's a massive long-term interest-on-interest savings account that you have to pay into every month for 25 years.)

Like Carrie, we have walked away from a similar situation. FIL has used husband's £2m+ inheritance to control him for years. We've walked away and written off the inheritance. It's very liberating. We're not rich, but we don't need money to be happy.

FIL veers between being in denial about our very low contact (we live in the same village and see them around most days. We nod hello), being totally confused about the situation and being apoplectic with rage about how my husband can just walk away from such riches.

to Leanne and Carrie. It must be very hard living in the same village as them. PIL are a two-hour drive away from us, so there's no danger of just bumping into them.

FIL does, however, regularly drive past our exit to the motorway just ten minutes down the road when he's on one of his business trips. I do worry that one day he will just turn up, and I will have to lock the doors and call the police. I don't mean to be overdramatic, but I know he blames me (and his other DILs) for the whole fall-out. And that scares me.

Oh yes, it's really hard living so close. I hate confrontation, so I do dread bumping into anyone. If we had the money, we'd move

Also, every so often we do get them at our door and one particular family member is v aggressive, so when the door goes we always check before opening. It does upset me.

I am blamed for the family fall out too. It's like narcissists have a handbook that they all follow!

We are not rich either, but wow, Leanne - walking away from £2m+ - it's worth every penny when that control is no longer there. You are right, it's liberating. Plus, who's to say you would get it anyway? As soon as you do 'wrong', you'll be back to being disinherited. Horrible control game.

They still save for the DC's, and I hate it, but I can't control it. I feel very lucky, I have an incredible DH who has supported me every step of the way through my awful family, and we have 3 wonderful children. It's my chance to right my own childhood by giving my kids unconditional love.

Not that going NC is easy, but I hope you will find it a bit easier being a 2 hour drive from them.

Good luck