What can I do to stop misinterpretation of contact order?

[nocontactforevermore]

Ex took me to court last year over child contact. It didn't exactly achieve anything different than what he already had so was pretty unsuccessful in my eyes. He however boasts constantly about how it 'sorted me out'. Whatever. He is very manipulative however and both him and his wife are bullies. They are constantly misinterpreting the wording of the order and trying to force whatever new interpretation they've decided on me. Their latest move is to try and enforce something that means I lose a weekend as well as disrupting the rotation of future weekends that I had planned on my calendar.

I feel really worn down by them. Every time a longer holiday or half term comes around I get super lengthy emails composed by his wife (I can tell) that tie me up in knots and basically leave me so confused. I don't know what to do. This order has brought me no peace because he seeks any and every angle in the wording of that will allow him something extra. My sol said we need to try and sort it out because the judge will not want to see us back in court this soon, however he does not know what it's like to co-parent with an emotionally abusive person.

Please help:/

Well that's your choice. I just think it's a bad idea to go in there and start arguing with the judge. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar and all that...

I know first hand that the courts, in practise, do not always do what is best for the child. If you want that, you have to know what to say and how to say it to get them on side. If you go into court like this you will play right into your ex's hands.

I'm just angry right now and sounding off Mary. Feel terribly worn down with it all. I know he ended up flat broke after last time and might not want to go there again anyway.

Which is completely understandable and you have my sympathies.

I really think the issue here is in the idea that EOW resets after a holiday. It doesn't. EOW is EOW. Holidays, as an exception to the rule, fit in around that and where necessary, lost contact time is made up by agreeing this in advance, not after the fact. So if you had them for the entire half term which went over one of "his" weekends, then he gets the lost time on the next available weekend on your return. This may mean he gets two weekends in a row to return back to the original EOW pattern.

I would get your solicitor to write a strongly worded letter to your ex to that effect and warn the school that there may be a problem on Friday when you go to pick up your child on her weekend with you.

I could have written your post, it's incredibly stressful and frustrating dealing with someone like this and you have my deepest empathy, my only light at the end of the tunnel is that one day DD will be old enough to dictate her own arrangements! Stay strong x

Thanks all. Have had meeting with sol. He's gonna try letter approach first. His letters are always good tbf.

Ex has sent me millions and seems to think I am frightened of them. Eg, he will say 'right if you don't concede to xyz I will send a sols letter'.
Twat

You have my every sympathy. Your posts sound like they could have been written by my dp.

Stay strong, keep us posted

Update:letter gone to ex to say he is in breach of order to apply a change this late in the day and if he shows up at schol we will begin proceedings. Scary

It's been emailed so he'll already have it. The joy of email. During the last proceedings we were exchanging up to 4 sols letters a day. I even had his court app through email?!

Well done ( which I know sounds bizarre).

I'm following with interest as dp is in a similar situation.

I'm sure we all understand the absolute fear of the awful standoff in the playground situation because of the impact on dc 's, it's something I'm concerned could happen here although it's because of ex nominating someone else for pick ups until home from work on days the dcs could come to us,as well as lots of other things.

My point is, it is scary but hopefully for the long term greater good.

You have my sympathy too nocontact
I've had nearly 9 years of this fuckwittery from my ex and it's cost me thousands in legal fees

It's all a game - to control you. My ex has taken me to court for contact that he then doesn't want. Even in court saying he only wants 2 weeks of the holidays a year

I took him to court in dec for supervised contact only, he said he didn't want a contact order. Now he thinks he can just call and turn up at the house when he likes

It's exhausting
Keep plodding on. Work out the whole year now and send it to him. Tell him what you want.

I agree with going back to the solicitor. Sounds as if he is being awkward just for the sake of it. But it does sound as if you are getting a lot more contact than he is so does the odd day he tries to get extra matter that much.

Chicken - the whole idea of who nominates who for care and pick ups on each other's days is something i stay well out of on his time. To the point where he sent a woman to collect my dd from me that I had never laid eyes on in my life. Now, on this occasion I stood at the front door and almost fainted but knew it was ex's childminder from how my dd responded to her. That's the kind of bastard he is though - sent a stranger to take my dd from me without even so much as a text message to let me know. Point I'm main if though is that I don't get involved in his arrangements on His days. Same can't be said for him though, he demanded CRB checks on all my childcare providers and contacted them personally to say be didn't agree with their employment and would be contacting ofsted to tell them of his non-agreement.

Vivienne- he didn't ask for 'more' contact. He asked for contact to suit him better, ie drop mid week visits and do weekends only

No contact. He sounds absolutely vile.

Can't go into more detail re nominated collector without being too specific and being ' outed' ( or fear of), but as with these things it's not that straight forward. Perhaps should take your stance, which is fine until we're asked to help when it suits ex because other arrangements 'can't' be made and impact greatly. I dunno, perhaps I'm wrong on this one....Strangely though the nominated contact thing only started once new arrangements had been made and communicated to ex and the dcs... That sort of messing is standard here and why it is especially upsetting as it just confuses.

Again, all the very best.

Oh, and dp wasn't told. Dcs were though.

I wouldn't hand my son back to a stranger. When handovers were at her husband's workplace and his workmates came to collect my son I would make sure I asked them who they were. A few times I sat in the car with him before her husband came out to collect him.

OP - if your ex wanted ever other weekend and asked for it in court I don't think much of his solicitor. Some solicitors (the rubbish ones) won't advise their clients and will do exactly as told without saying `You're going to look like a fool if you ask for that in court'.

Partly because it isn't going to happen, partly because it is only liable to irritate the judge and partly because it isn't (and doesn't look) child-focused to the court. I assist people who make these sort of demands. I can be very persuasive in getting them to drop stupid and damaging demands for the above reasons.

Thanks lost. Yeah he backed right off with the stupid demands once we got to court - technically he ended up with less, which hurts dd really.

No legal advice nocontact but I just wanted to say I think your amazing.I've read some of your previous threads and i think you're unbelievably strong to deal with this every day.How is this man going to cope when your dd is old enough to make her own decisions?

Thanks have- I don't feel brave. I feel an idiot for letting them bully me. I read an article recently that was posted to the step board and I know it was written by the daily fail, which therefore renders it a load of nonsense but the step mum was exactly like my dd's- harassing me for schedules months in advance, forcing dd to miss activities and parties because of her own kids schedules, telling my dd she is spiked because she's an only....and the bloody husband staying out of the whole thing. That is my ex - he happily relinquishes all of this to his wife. The way the sm spoke of the mother was shocking IMO - a thin veil of pity for her inadequate parenting almost. The dd in the story was 12 though and showed no signs of 'voting with her feet'. Don't get me wrong, I am not sitting around waiting for the day when my dd realised her dad is a weak man- I want my child to love her other family and have a great relationship with them into adulthood, but I can't lie when I say that I cannot wait for the day when she questions her fathers control over her , such as not letting her speak to me on the phone, making her give up a much loved activity because it's 'his time', making her come to his for the whole half term only to put her in childcare the entire time (I am at home), making her strip off any clothes (including coats and shoes and even hair clips ) that he buys her as he doesn't want them ending up in my house) . I can't wait til she makes him stop treating her like a 'thing', because that's what he does.

How did it go? I really hope the sol letter sorts out the EOW issue. Providing it does I would send a calendar for the rest of the year. Mark the EOW that are his on it. Highlight the school holidays, ask him to choose his 50% of holiday that he wants (by a certain date otherwise you'll pick) so that there are no "unfortunate misunderstandings" like the one that just happened.

Our LEA publish the standard school holidays more than a year inadvance on the county website.

Once he has picked/not picked I would put it back in writing the schdule he has agreed to be default/chosend and send it by recorded delivery and email.

I think strict rota is the only way forward with this twat for a good few years.

X-posts

Thanks random. Update everyone. He has responded to sols letter to say I've manipulated the co to suit my own needs and will be collecting dd as per 'agreement' ( a favourite of his is to say I've 'agreed to something when I haven't.)
I'm going to the school in morn to make them aware of situation. Exhausting x

He's an arse.

I would work out what weekend you want your dd for the wedding and then work backwards - to see whether or not it works for you him having this weekend or not. Hope that makes sense.

Then from then on ensure the CO is literally EOW Fri-Mon regardless of school holidays for BOTH parents. He cannot have it both ways.

Hi OP, no advice, just a squeeze of the hand for good luck. I have a very similar ex. Sorry it's got to the extent of a potential face-off at school. I've had to get police involved twice over the non-return of my dd, and my ex now definitely thinks twice before pushing it to the limit. In the situation you describe, my ex would keep me hanging on tenterhooks to see if he'll turn up at the school, but then wouldn't turn up. Probably. Because it's the element of uncertainty that makes it so hard.

Even a tightly-worded court order can be prone to this type of manipulation if the other person is determined enough. I like the idea of setting out a schedule, making it clear that it's non-negotiable.

The only other thing I can suggest is to cultivate as much detachment as possible. Always expect them to try to scupper your plans, have a Plan B whenever possible, and on occasion you might find yourself pleasantly surprised when they're not as awkward as expected.

Ultimately, we have to accept that there are limitations on what the law can achieve when someone is determined to be this awkward. Sounds a bit defeatist, perhaps, but it's important to protect your emotional well-being. He's trying to wear you out, so don't let him succeed. I aim for a sort of wry amusement, although it doesn't come easy.

Thanks random and biblio.

I've had a response. Apparantly ex will agree to my 'request to swap' contact arrangements this once'. What a dick. He tried to steal my weekend and calls it's a 'request to swap'?!!