Can this actually be ordered in a court?!

[CouthyMow]

I am asking on behalf of my friend.

Background situation : she has four DC's. Her first two have different fathers to her second two. She split up with the father of the youngest two about 3 months ago.

At the first court hearing, an occupation order was made for her abusive ex to move back into the house. With much help from me, she managed to go back to court, higher court rather than local (different judge, local one well known for being very misogynistic). Got occupation order lifted, but had to let him into the house from 8.45-3.45 every week day, and all weekend every other weekend.

Her oldest two DC's refused to share the house with him from the moment the occupation order was made, and stayed with my friend's mum.

He is making all sorts of spurious allegations about my friend, all untrue.

For the holidays, the order stated he was allowed in the house from 8.45 Monday till 3.45 Thursday. The older girls moved back in as they missed their mum and their younger siblings. The ex moved in with the next door neighbour.

We got Women's Aid involved, who were
horrified. They got an earlier court date, today, and CAFCASS were meant to prepare a report on the effect this was having on the older two DC's having someone who has been abusive to them and very verbally aggressive towards them, in their home. It wasn't complete in time.

My friend has been told in court today that she HAS to leave the house from Monday through till Thursday. Her older DC's (15 and 10yo) can stay though. But they don't WANT to if he is there and their mum isn't there to protect them and stand up for them. She was also told that given his (UNTRUE) allegations against her, the court could seek a Section 37 and get ALL FOUR of her kids put in Foster Care.

My friend is in bits, her ex repeatedly tells her that he is going to destroy her, he will take all FOUR DC's away from her (even the two that aren't his and hate him and don 't even want to be in the house when he is there), and he will take the house away, and he won't stop until she is in the gutter.

Can the courts REALLY do this? It seems to me like they are complicit in his abuse of her!

And she has just texted me to say that her 4-weekly child benefit hasn't been paid today, and she has JUST opened a letter saying that he is trying to get her child benefit.

Please, tell me what I can do to help her, the courts are helping her ex to continue to abuse her she is in bits.

The courts are leaving her homeless for 3.5/4 days out of the week, when it is HER housing association house, HER tenancy, he wasn't even a joint tenant FFS!!

I don't see her walking away until she's broken tbh. Not in her nature to walk away from her DC.

I saw you on the other thread, you have enough to deal with, have her post on here herself.

C'mon.... You couldn't make it up.

Only in England.

She will when she is here. She's on her way to Wonen's Aid for her appointment this morning. And yes, I have a lot to deal with, but this friend helps me with that. The least I can do for all the help she has given me in the past is to do what I can to help her.

Can she up and move abroad? Ireland?

She shouldn't be getting classed as intentionally homeless for leaving this. Has she contacted shelter?

Tbh I think the dd dropping 3 GCSEs is small fry compared to what's going on. Safety is the priority here.

I will be helping her to ring Shelter this afternoon, as well as HMRC for Tax Credits, and DWP about her Income Support.

Why do people keep suggesting she leaves without her youngest two children? No! She has to take all the kids with her wherever she goes. If she leaves the youngest two with him for any length of time it will become the norm and he will get child benefit, She may not be able to get him thrown out of her home as he will be main carer for the two youngest (I assume)

I hope you get somewhere today, I would be tempted to go to WA out of area simply to get out of the house with all 4 dc and be in a refuge together, claim for the child benefit at a new address etc etc. Getting her dd back to school to finish her GCSEs could wait for a month or so - perhaps she could still at her mum's weekdays only?

At Women's Aid they have put her on the waiting list for the refuge. It is the only way she can do this. She will lose her home (but he won't get it!!) and they are going to make an exception and let her take her older DC's as well as her younger ones. This means that he will have no choice but to have the DC's away from her.

Then she will be put on the emergency band to get a house. Will be hard for her, but at least her DD can stay at school and they will all be together!

Thank God Women's Aid are taking this seriously though. Was beginning to despair of the system tbh. They are helping her with the benefits too - Child benefit goes by how many NIGHTS. She has 4 nights, he has 3. So his claim IS fraudulent. Might take a few weeks, but it should be able to be sorted. She's just skint in the meantime.

And given WA contacting the DWP and HMRC on her behalf, they have set up passwords that are connected to her case so he can't stop them!

That is excellent news, you are a great friend and wa were fabulous.

Great news, so pleased for her

:) so pleased, very sorry she is in this situation but glad she finally has help

I have lent her as much as I can so that she can do some shopping, and I have said that she is welcome to store as much of her household stuff here as she can squeeze into my loft.

It's all I can really do to help!

When she goes back on Thursday, her and her older two DC's are going to pack up photos and paperwork and stuff they don't want to lose, and stick them in my loft. At least then they know that stuff is safe.

You may not feel you've done much yet you have helped her so much, we could all do with friends like you in our lives.

My friend spoke to Income Support yesterday and it's not been suspended, thankfully.

Legal Aid are asking her to pay £84 a month for her solicitor though?!

She has just had to put in a brand new claim as a single person for Tax Credits.

She can't phone anyone as she has no credit, and neither do I or our other close friend.

The Refuge have a place for her TODAY (despite their usual 3 month wait, so they MUST class this as serious). The thing is, as she will still have an active Housing benefit claim for her current house, the Refuge have told her she will have to pay £37 a WEEK to stay there. On top of bus fares to get her DC to their schools and food, she just CAN'T afford that.

If she leaves her house, he CAN stay in it! She would have to get an occupation Order from the Court to get him out. Which is unlikely to be granted, as her current Court Order states that the two youngest DC HAVE to reside at that address for the duration of proceedings.

So if she goes into the Refuge with her youngest two DC's, she is breaching the Court Order, but if she doesn't, she has to stay and be emotionally abused!!

What the actual FUCK can I do to help her to find a way out of this mess?

She is at the point where she is starting to lose all hope, and is starting to say that getting back with him and putting up with his shit is the only way to stop her from losing her DC's. It took her YEARS to build up the confidence and courage to leave this abusive arsehole, going back time and again before she was strong enough, and now she seems beaten.

She can't even find people's houses to stay at with both of her older DC's together, so Monday to Thursday, she only ever has one of her 4 DC's with her, none of our friends or her mum have the space to put up all 3!!

PLEASE help me to help her, she is crying herself to sleep EVERY night, she is saying some really dark stuff, about how she can't ever see a way out of this without getting back with him, and if she disappeared like he wants, he would stop destroying her life, I can't bear to see my friend like this and being unable to help her actually DO anything!!

Get to the refuge - take all DCs - return them for their contact time. No-one can take issue with that and she can explain at next hearing - I imagine she can ask for a private word with judge?.

She can put in an immediate HB claim but it may take a while for then to pay WA should understand that as they know it will be backdated. HB will stop for other address as soon as the date on the new claim - he wants it let him have it.

She could write to the court with her new address actually. Doesn't need to wait for next hearing - just a big standard change of address notice.

If she does that though, he will keep the house. The only way he can afford the rent is to claim Housing benefit INCLUDING BOTH of the youngest two DC's, as it is a 3-bed house, and they are G/B. TBH, with their ages, I can't see that he would get HB for a 3-bed ANYWAY, as they are both still young enough to share.

So the house would be lost - thus STILL breaching the Court Order, as they are Court ORDERED to be resident at that address, she has been told that that CANNOT change until the final court hearing.

So to go into the Refuge, her only option is to leave her youngest two behind permanantly with him, which means any housing SHE got offered would be too small to have them move back in with her, as with two older girls, she will only get a 2-bed, and you can't fit 3 girls and a boy in 2 beds.

And the house would be lost anyway as HE would only qualify for HB for a 2-bed too. He is doing this to try to force the council to house him (they have refused to put him on the Housing Register as he gave up a council place to move in with her). It's NOT for the benefit of his 17mo baby, at ALL.

Am I allowed to call him a CUNTYCHOPS of the highest order??

What does her solicitor make of all this?

Oh, and he can't claim fuck all for the 4yo, as my friend has a Residency Order granted last time they split up when she was a toddler, and her ex threatened to disappear with her.

So because she has a Residency Order for the 4yo, he can ONLY claim for the 17mo.

What I can't understand is that given her situation was so severe 3 years ago that she got a Residency Order and an injunction against himbeing within a certain distance of her, HOW THE FUCK is this being allowed to happen this time?

They don't seem to be taking any of his 'previous' for things like this, both with my friend AND his ex-wife, into consideration AT ALL.

She doesn't know, as she doesn't have the chuffing £84 a month Legal Aid are demanding, so basically now has no legal representation!!

She DID email her solicitor from mine yesterday to politely tell them to get a fucking move on and deal with her case, and that's when she got the reply about the Legal Aid costs needing to be paid first?!

Maybe that is to do with him getting her Child Benefit stopped, as it is a gateway benefit?

The Residency Order for the 4yo is the reason he has only tried to claim forthe 17mo.

Thing is, they haven't just stopped the bit of her Child Benefit that is for her 17mo,they have stopped the whole LOT of her Child Benefit for all 4 of her DC's, while they investigate. And ALL her Child Tax Credits have been stopped until her NEW single claim form is processed.

As she has budgeting loans coming out of her Income Support, she is currently trying to feed her and two DC's every day AND her two younger DC's from Thursday to Monday out of just £47 a week.

And the Courts have told her that until this is settled, she HAS to carry on paying ALL the bills for her house, electric, gas, water, AND provide food and nappies ALL week for her younger two DC's, even when they are in their Father's care.

Which is a problem, as he feeds himself from the food she has left for the DC's, then tells the Court and Cafcass that she hasn't left enough food for them - which she DOES, I have been shopping with her and watched her sort out breakfasts to last a week for the two DC's, enough bread and sandwich fillings and fruit to last for the half a week he is with them, making sure the nappies will last until she is back in the house.

This week when he had them from Monday to Thursday, he managed to get through a pack of 62 Huggies (she's not 'allowed' to buy cheaper supermarket brand nappies, or he runs to the courts and Cafcass trying to use it as evidence that she doesn't care enough about her DS as he will get Nappy rash). ALL 62, from an unopened pack, were GONE by Wednesday morning. She had to buy ANOTHER pack for him, out of what little money she has. When she got back today, THAT pack was half gone. On ONE DC in nappies.

Well, I think she needs to take the children to the refuge with her & then return them to the house & their father at the specified times. As to feeding them, she does that when they are with her & when they are with him it is his responsibility NO court would order otherwise, it's not in their remit. If he works she needs to get on with claiming maintenance from him. Some things just don't add up with this story & I think she really does need a good solicitor to sort it out, and surely the refuge would be the place where she can get help with all of this? She may however have to accept that she might lose the house, but home will be where her children are.