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Original poster

To be cross that dh expects me to pay for exactly half of household expenses when he earns twice what I do?

262 replies

theredsalamander · 22/09/2011 17:05

Our finances are very separate. This worked fine when we were just a couple who both worked full time but now we are married with two children and I work part time to spend more time with the children I think it should change.

We've just run out of oil, (heating) and it will cost £1100 for a top up. Normal joint account balance never has enough cash for such a big payment in one go (over a year, monthly payment accumulating enough maybe). I have no savings, have very little spare cash (eg I rarely go out as I can't afford drinks/taxis/new outfit etc) but he has lots. It would take him three days work to earn enough to pay for the oil, he has enough in his account to pay for it already anyway.

His exact words "Oil is a house cost that we budgeted for and not an addition which I am happy to pay for"

Now I am rubbish with money, I will absolutely own up to that, in fact one of the reasons I am so skint is that I am trying hard to pay off a loan. Without the monthly loan payment I would be much more comfortable and would be able to contribute more to family outings trips etc- he pays for all "extra curricular" activities holidays/outings/meals out/etc, but I can't pay half of the oil cost. I do not want to "owe" him the money I want him to pay it so I am not in debt to my husband as well as the sodding bank.

AIBU? Or because I am rubbish with money is he right in not financing my obligations whilst I am paying the loan back?

I am posting this at work and wont be able to log in for a few hours but hopefully you will be able to give me some perspective on my return!

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Gigondas · 22/09/2011 20:26

Sorry posted on wrong thread Blush

ChristinedePizan · 22/09/2011 20:27

As you say, that is just the way things should be when you're in a relationship for the longterm but that seems a tad one-sided from what you're saying.

And it is controlling to make you worry that you need to get into more debt to heat your home. Sorry to have to say that but it is.

Notinmykitchen · 22/09/2011 20:27

In view of the update OP YADNBU. Sounds like "your" debt is actually joint, but you are still responsible for it on a lower salary than him, and he is not supporting you in the way you have previously supported him? He is really not being fair at all!!

Adversecamber · 22/09/2011 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OpinionatedMum · 22/09/2011 20:31

YANBU. Tight as a ducks arse.

ladyasriel · 22/09/2011 20:31

Awful OP. Really sorry for you that he thinks this is OK. My DH has his funny moments over cash (mainly because he thinks I am a spendthrift on clothes etc) but he would never ever treat me like this. We've not got joint accounts but it's very flexible who pays for what and if I need more I ask (he earns several times what I do). He should not be treating you like this.

MNHQ
OliviaMumsnet · 22/09/2011 20:32

Hi there I will move this to legal for you now
Thanks
M Towers

MNHQ
OliviaMumsnet · 22/09/2011 20:33

Et Voila
Hope you find some good advice here OP
Best of luck

lisad123 · 22/09/2011 20:33

I don't understand it!
Dh earns more than me, but every thing is added together, bills paid and what's left is split. If the kids need clothes or anything like that it comes out of joint bits!

pointythings · 22/09/2011 20:34

DH and I have separate finances, but that's because he's a US citizen paid in $ and for currency conversion reasons it works better if we keep things separate. We are very open about money though, and we regularly reassess who is spending what in terms of keeping the household going. We change roughly every 2-3 years, and it works. We also earn roughly equal amounts.

The OP is in quite a different situation - my mind just boggled, OP, when I read that you basically supported him through his education and now he get spare cash to play with whilst you scrimp and save! He needs a major reality check.

SybilBeddows · 22/09/2011 20:40

whether we are both working or one of us is at home, in our house we try to manage things so both of us have a similar amount of 'pocket money', both of us have similar individual savings, and both of us have similar free time.
Which one of us earns the money and which one looks after the kids is not the issue - we are a unit.

In the end, there are different ways to achieve the same result - whether separate accounts or just a joint one, and paying proportions of money in or all going in and then taking the same amount out - but it has to be fair.

I hope you can find a way forward and reconfigure things so they are more equitable.

Original poster
theredsalamander · 22/09/2011 20:45

Olivia not sure if this fits in "legal", no legal discission Confused

Tbh, the student era debt is probably a bit misleading as I was living it up beyond my means. But

Whilst I do get stroppy often I am a very low maintenance sort in almost all areas of our relationship. But this is I suppose for an easier life. Making sugnificant decisions for our family by myself and being the person responsible for xy or z happening takes me waaaay out of my comfort zone so I do look to him for guidance.

OP posts:
TadlowDogIncident · 22/09/2011 20:58

Hmm, alarm bells ringing for me here. Have you talked to your DH about the money? Does he actually think this arrangement is fair? If he does, as other posters have said, start billing him for his share of the childcare. To be honest, I'm completely floored that you supported him through education and now he earns loads more than you and thinks its fine to keep most of it for himself.

Mimmee · 22/09/2011 20:58

Really strange way for your DH to carry on OP

DP and I have joint a/c for all household which we paid 50/50 and then our "own" money in sole a/c as we earn similar amounts. BUT when I went on maternity leave I reduced what I paid into our a/c and now don't pay anything in as on SMP.

DP pays all household bills at the moment and is happy to do so as I'm at home looking after DD.

Our attitude is that there is no his/my money but our money. If either of us earned significantly more or less than the other we would adjust our contribution accordingly.

Also don't agree with the attitude that it's your loan and your problem - If DP was struggling with any financial obligations and I was in a position to help him out with it I would. And I know he would do the same for me because we are a team.

TadlowDogIncident · 22/09/2011 21:00

Why has this moved to legal?

niceday · 22/09/2011 21:00

I think you need to look at your family again and reassess your attitudes.

  1. He is not good with finances. No one who is good would let the household income go on interest repayments for a loan, that is just stupid.
  2. You do not live separate lives, nor- i presume- plan to separate, so separate finances do not work for you. You do need a family budget and control of expenses, but who pays for what is totally irrelevant. The split sometimes makes sense only to make sure bills are paid on time and not twice. But does it matter from which pocket?
  3. I would not bill my Dh for the time I spend with our children. I am not a nanny, I am the mother and my time with them is priceless.
niceday · 22/09/2011 21:02

Oh, actually we do have separate roles for household finances: he earns and I spend!

Ephiny · 22/09/2011 21:05

Wait, so when you were working (full-time?) and he was studying, he was happy to let you pay for everything and support/subsidise him? But now that he's earning a good salary while you focus more on family duties - it doesn't work the other way, you still have to pay 'your' half of everything?

That is not on. I could understand it (though not agree it was sensible) if you'd always had the agreement that finances will be independent and you each pay your own way. At least that would be consistent. But it seems like he's happy to take but not give. Selfish beyond belief.

MNHQ
OliviaMumsnet · 22/09/2011 21:10

Because Gigondas reported her post and said "can you post in legal?" and asked me to delete (which I read as delete the thread") so I thought moving might be better than losing the thread completely.
What she meant was delete her post, she had posted on the wrong thread.

Sorry! mea culpa! Blush
Perhaps relationships might be better though?

Original poster
theredsalamander · 22/09/2011 21:10

No I'm not sure why this has moved either.

I do know really that this is not a very fair arrangement but I don't know how to alter things. Once I've finished paying my loan off it wil be a lot easier for me and I will have some disposable income so I can indulge in shoes again! Currently down to approx 15 pairs, lowest since age 18 I think!

OP posts:
clam · 22/09/2011 21:12

His attitude would be a total and utter dealbreaker for me.

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 22/09/2011 21:14

Grin at Olivia.

We need more random moving of threads just to keep us on out toes.

AquaBoo · 22/09/2011 21:15

This is awful. All money coming in to the household from the point you had children together should be joint money. It doesn't matter who earnt it. You are both contributing to the household in different ways and are (well, should be) a partnership.
Good luck.

clam · 22/09/2011 21:15

Your problem with this man will not be over once you've finished paying off the loan. (and why is it your loan, when it was amassed through supporting him?) He will still be "what's mine is mine" and someone who won't share. Even with his wife to support his family and keep them warm in winter.

As I said, a deal-breaker. I couldn't live with that sort of mentality. Mean.

Oakmaiden · 22/09/2011 21:18

Oh my goodness! Surely you are a FAMILY not house-sharers?