To be cross that dh expects me to pay for exactly half of household expenses when he earns twice what I do?

[theredsalamander]

Our finances are very separate. This worked fine when we were just a couple who both worked full time but now we are married with two children and I work part time to spend more time with the children I think it should change.

We've just run out of oil, (heating) and it will cost £1100 for a top up. Normal joint account balance never has enough cash for such a big payment in one go (over a year, monthly payment accumulating enough maybe). I have no savings, have very little spare cash (eg I rarely go out as I can't afford drinks/taxis/new outfit etc) but he has lots. It would take him three days work to earn enough to pay for the oil, he has enough in his account to pay for it already anyway.

His exact words "Oil is a house cost that we budgeted for and not an addition which I am happy to pay for"

Now I am rubbish with money, I will absolutely own up to that, in fact one of the reasons I am so skint is that I am trying hard to pay off a loan. Without the monthly loan payment I would be much more comfortable and would be able to contribute more to family outings trips etc- he pays for all "extra curricular" activities holidays/outings/meals out/etc, but I can't pay half of the oil cost. I do not want to "owe" him the money I want him to pay it so I am not in debt to my husband as well as the sodding bank.

AIBU? Or because I am rubbish with money is he right in not financing my obligations whilst I am paying the loan back?

I am posting this at work and wont be able to log in for a few hours but hopefully you will be able to give me some perspective on my return!

Thanks in advance.

I'm another who doesn't understand married couples with children who have separate finances. We have had periods where one or other of us earns more money. But we have always put everything into the joint pot. We are married, we are a team and I do not understand how it can do anything other than lead to resentment when one party has more than the other

He's being horrible, and I'm afraid you are going to have to rethink your financial system, it's unfair to you.

we pay for everything in proportion to our incomes, which means at the moment DH pays 2/3 and I pay 1/3, since he makes exactly twice as much as me.

This will change, and yet, until one of us isn't earning at ALL, when we will rethink, we will continue to pay in a % that is related to how much we make. The point being, we each get some cash left to ourselves. This is how we feel fair. We're a team, it's both our money for all of us... it's family cash!

I mean, we feed and clothe DS and he doesn't bring in ANY capital, the little mooch.

And actually legally it isn't your money or his money. You are married, it is matrimonial property.

Oh and I never get the 'whose idea was it to go part-time'? It benefits both parties if one parent cuts down their working hours once there are children around - the FT working parent can do all those late nights and evening schmoozing that are so important to climbing the greasy pole.

I'm a single parent and the fact that I have to leave work on time every single night has massively affected my earning potential so having one parent go part time is hardly the win-lose situation it's often made out to be on MN

I agree that everyone should have spending money (if you can afford it) that they don't have to account for.

But the proportion of wages doesn't take into account the realities of life IMO. Most women will earn less than most men still - especially if they have DC. Maternity leave, discrimination against women and mothers, etc leads to lower salaries.

So IMO doing a % just keeps up this discrimination. And if you don't think mums are discriminated against remember the research done I think last year (?) which showed potential employers discriminated against mums or even just those of child bearing age, more than any other group.

I think both partners should have the same amoiunt of money as me money that they don't have to account for. Everything else should be shared.

OP I don't think you are blameless in all this as suggested. You admit yourself that you are terrible with money, and that because you are paying off your loan, money is a bit tighter than it could be.

From your post, It sounds like the oil was originally budgeted for, but you have now spent the money, and now expect you DH to pay for it?

If that is the case, then YABU. You should take responsibility for your own finances, and stop frittering away money.

Personally, If I am careful with money, I wouldn't want to bail out someone who is not.

Tenacity - if as the OP says, her husband earns enough to pay for the oil in 3 days, he earns nearly £100k a year. You really think she earns anywhere near that kind of money working part time? Really?

As for him expecting you to pay half, thats not fair, and he needs to factor in childcare costs as already suggested.

I'm currently divorcing. And, once I reached this point, I took a really hard look at the imbalance that had been present in our relationship.

I'm a SAHM and carer to our 2 DC's - 1 has SN's. So, my contribution to household income is child benefit, the DLA and carer's allowance. From that, I did everything for the children, except food at weekend. So, bus fares, dinner money, school trips (although STB exh would "help" with the bigger trips), clothes, fuel, midweek shops, etc etc.

It's only now I'm looking at finances because of the divorce that I realise that I wasn't "rubbish with money", but I was made to feel so, because I'd have to ask for "help" with school dinner money etc. Now I see that my essential outgoings easily matched my "income" with very little spare (think under £30 a month).

Contrasted with STB ex, who would regularly tell me I was contributing nother to the household. He's on over £60k, plus car and other perks. Looking at his account (which I've never had access to, because it was "his") I now see that he had surplus income of around £1k a month, to spend on his hobbies (sports car, jewellery, art....). While I'm now kicking myself for living like a student 20 years after graduating, buying clothes for me and DC's from Ebay etc......

Look really hard at your relationship balance, OP. It wasn't money issues that triggered my wanting out (it was actually verbal/emotional abuse, and I suddenly clocked the controlling aspects etc).

I think it does matter if it was a joint decision for you to go part time.

I wouldn't want to pay more if dh decided to go part time, unless it was a decision made together that would benefit us both.

ChristinedePizan: I am aware that she does not earn the same amount as the DH.

I think both ABU, and also think that there should be financial responsibility on the part of the OP ie not wasting money.

virgiltracey - to try and explain why keeping separate finances where he earns more than me doesn't lead to resentment:
For me, I choose the job I do and I love it - I work less hours, have less stress and generally have a nicer time of it than DH - in short, my choice means I have a much nicer life. His on the other hand gives him more cash, but infiinitely more stress. In order to earn that higher salary he has higher outgoings - having to get regular sports massages, travelling up and down the country repeatedly, a working wardrobe of clothes, having to grab stuff on the go etc. which means his lifestyle comes with a much higher price tag than mine. I'm happy with the occasional cup of coffee with a friend at £2 as a destressor, whereas his bill to destress will be nearer £200!!!

Now if I wanted to have more disposable income, then frankly it's up to me to get off my arse and earn it. Not just demand it from DH. I like contributing equally to the finances. It puts us on an equal footing. I cannot see how me demanding more of DH's income could lead to anything but resentment from him. Why should he give me money for sitting around having a nice life?

Which is almost the complete opposite from how you see it.

But his career has benefitted ENormaSnob, whether it was a joint decision or not (and given the situation the OP finds herself in, I don't find it credible that she announced she was going part time whether her husband agreed or not). You don't earn that kind of money unless you work late nights. That is my point.

Tenacity - surely if you have a joint income of £100k+, there should be a little bit extra sloshing around for frivolities? They're hardly on the breadline.

Why is the OP paying interest on a debt when her husband owes so much? That's just stupid and not remotely a partnership. I'm not at all convinced she is that shit with money - she is trying to keep up with him when presumably she's earning at least half of what he does.

but northerngirl why does your money have to be separate to enable your dh to have sports massages etc if that's what he needs to destress. I just don't really understand but aware that this wasn't entirely the point of the thread !

Might be that I'm just always conscious of the fact that actually half of that money is legally yours once you're married!

Never quite sure why couples who need their "own" money don't just each take out a couple of hundred pounds each each month that they can be frivolous with without feeling guilty

from each according to his* ability, to each according to his needs, surely, in a marriage.

• or her, obviously.

How has it been of benefit to his career?

Neither mine nor dhs career would be enhanced by the other working part time.

I would really resent dh working part time tbh, especially if I had make up any shortfall.

You have to find a solution that you are both happy with, whether that be putting all income into one joint account, or each taking responsibility for certain outgoings.

Your financial contributions do need to reflect your income though otherwise you will be skint and your DH will be saving loads!

DH and I don't have a joint account but we each pay for certain things - he pays for more than me as he earns more. If ever any of us is a bit skint we just share our money, no problem.

Having a loan to service doesn't necessarily equal being 'rubbish with money'.

When did you take it out and what was it for? Was it of benefit to your husband in any way? Did he know about it?

I really don't know what to suggest apart from you get all your thoughts together and sit him down and make him listen and change. I hope you can do that.

He is an arsehole.

Take care.

ChristinedePizan: With the debt issue, I think the OP needs to take financial responsibility (which I am sure she will) and stop wasting money.

Also why should the DH bail them out? Surely being an adult is about being responsible, and 'moping up' your own mess? Getting your DP to do it will only lead to resentment.

What does he do with the money he has left over each month?

If the OP worked full-time, then he/they would need to pay additional childcare. She is "saving" him/them this amount of money.

DH and I decided that we didn't want our DCs in full-time childcare and that we wanted one of us caring for them the majority of the week. I was happy to be the one to drop to part-time, DH preferred to remain fulltime. You can look at this in two ways: him being full-time facilitated me being at home, or my being at home facilitated him working full-time (in a career he loved).

I would NOT expect to be financially penalised for the decision WE made, jointly, to benefit OUR family as we saw fit.

I just cannot understand people that have seperate finances when they are married/partners and have kids.

If you fully trust someone you should have no problem with all finances being "joint" money. If one person is "better" with money than the other then they pay the bills etc, but the money is still joint money.

If you are contributing all your work money and looking after the kids and can't even afford to go out yet he goes out?

He sounds like a knob. Any normal husband would just say "need more oil do we", maybe grumble about how much it cost, but basically just do it.

What does he expect, that you go without oil until you have 50% of the money to replenish the tank?

If he gets to keep some of his income for his own "fun stuff", then so should you, either that or bill him for child care, cooking, cleaning etc.

He sounds like a bit of a twat, but then I expect you already know that.

Yep. Your 'DH' is a controlling arse.

EnormaSnob - did you read what I wrote about the amount he earns? Very, very few jobs pay 100k to people who work 9-5. So he is relying on someone else sorting out his childcare. And I'm not just talking about a standard nanny/CM, you need someone who is going to be there when you're stuck at work until 9/10pm, when you have to go to after work drinks, when the meeting you're in runs on until 7pm.

That means that one of you is picking up the slack.

I presume neither you nor your DP earn anywhere near that amount and if you do, I'd be really interested to know how you manage childcare.