My son's mother wants to move abroad for a year and take him.

[Snurt]

Hi, just wondering if the collective wisdom of mumsnet could offer me some advice, hopefully it won't matter that technically speaking I'm more of a dad than a mum!

My son is 9, I was there when he was born and have been fully involved in his entire life, despite never having been in a relationship with his mother. Current arrangements are that he spends 5 nights out of every 14 with me. His mother has since married and has two other much younger children with her husband. Her husband's work want to send him to the US for a chunk of time, at the very minimum a year but it sounds like it could easily become a year and a half or two years. She wants to go, with all the children, offering skype and school holiday visits back. I am, as you'd imagine, not happy about this, both for the disruption of his schooling and my losing regular contact with him.

I know that I can legally prevent them from taking my son, as I have parental responsibility, unless they get a court order - what are the chances that they could get a court order in this sort of situation? They would cite his relationship with his half-brothers, and that his step-father would lose his job if he doesn't go (I don't know if this is true but it's how it's been presented to me).

Should I be looking to get a prohibited steps order, or is my having parental responsibility and making clear my lack of consent for him to go enough? We have so far managed to deal with things without involving lawyer/courts, so there are no residency orders in place.

Any advice on the legalities or feedback on whether my stance is reasonable or not welcomed.

Why shouldn't the SF work in US and exW stay in UK with all kids? After all, the SF could keep up with his wife and kids perfectly well via skype and school holidays. Or is that something that would only work for the OP ...

This is also an idea.. :-)

They have said that if the court doesn't give them permission to take my son, they won't go. So there is no question of him being separated from his brothers or his mother, the only person at risk of separation is me, should the court grant permission.

I'm at the stage of having just received the CAFCASS report. It is typical of CAFCASS reports in these situations, in that it sets out how I am a good father and have an extremely good relationship with my son and have been an entirely positive influence on his life, then goes ahead and quotes Payne, says the mother's plans are 'genuine' and 'realistic' and recommends giving her permission, with no discussion of what is actually in my son's best interests at all with regards to either his relationship with me or his education.

I now have to decide whether or not to take it to the final hearing anyway, with the knowledge that courts rarely go against CAFCASS recommendations. I do believe that the report is deeply flawed though, and Payne shouldn't even apply.

What does your son want to do?

He's conflicted, his mother has done her best to make him excited about going, but deep down he's sad and upset about the situation and doesn't want to leave all the things he knows. The CAFCASS report mentioned this but paid little attention to it.

If it was me I'd go to the final-hearing, at least you know you have done everything.

I'm a father and my children live with me,and have in various different situations, all the time, 50-50 etc.

This would devastate me.

Wow.
It's important that your son knows you love him through the actions you engage in. The actions of your mind are most important. Then your actions of body and speech will be good. If you don't take any strong action in resisting this situation because of fear of standing up against your ex for example, this wouldn't be good. If you don't take strong action because you decide harmony between you all is better then this is. So what I'm trying to say, is, it's your motivation behind your actions that matters most and your son will feel that in the long run.
I know someone, a wise man, who's wife took his son to live in Italy and he hardly saw him. He says however that he was always with his son in his heart and that because of this, they have a good relationship. I can imagine that it would have been extremely painful for him, but it has also given him great compassion towards others experiencing similar losses having gone through this experience. He illustrates that you can be physically with someone and it can mean little.

In life we have to separate and it's painful. I've heard it said that for a boy in some cases, at 14 they can separate from a parent and it can give them a chance to grow a lot - they have to and they are mature enough to be able to do so.
I'm not sure about 9 though and I'm no expert on children.
If it does come to him going, then if you can find a way to accept it, bear the pain gracefully and give your son enthusiasm and courage in going, this would be most helpful for your son. The more you are at peace with whichever outcome, the more it will help your son since he will reflect how you feel. Seek any help you can to find peace in your heart.
I don't know if this helps. Who am I to give advice. I just know the words of this friend of mind I've always found interesting and inspiring.

Thanks for the advice alavenir, it's how I hope I am already handling things. It's a difficult balance though - I don't talk with my son too much about what's going on as I know it upsets him when the subject is mentioned.

His well-being is always my primary concern though, and my motivation for resisting the move. Even apart from the effect on his relationship with me, if they were to get permission he would go through four school changes in three years as a result - uk to US elementary, then to US middle, then to interim 'international' school in the uk, and then finally to a UK secondary once a place became available in whatever location they ended up moving back to - this is his mother's plan, which the CAFCASS officer made no mention of at all in her report as being a concern.

So I think I have to try to fight it, even if the odds are against me. Debating representing myself to at least save the 3k of barrister costs.

I have only read first page. I don't have any experience at all but i don't think the father is selfish to not want his child in another country. i think it is quite selfish to take a child away to another country from a parent unless there is no other choice. Someone described a situation where a teenager hated her father for causing issues demanding access etc but the cynic in me wondered if that could be as she is a teenager (I have my own!) or has heard things from the mother or other members? It's hard to know having only heard one side. But when the girl is older she may well feel different. Only since I've had my own children have I appreciated my parents efforts.

Interesting thread! Snurt you could console yourself by knowing the costs of taking the case to final hearing will be approximately ten times your 3k for the other party

That really is no consolation at all, the money isn't the point.

Snurt I have been in your exw's position, except that it was an enforced move due to my husband being forces. Also my son was a couple of years younger than your son is and my exh only saw our ds once a month if he bothered turning up.

We did end up going to court too. I was granted leave of jurisdiction (we move within Europe for approximately 4 years and then back to UK).

Due to the way that my exh treated our ds whilst the court proceedings were taking place our ds does not want much to do with him. He goes to see him as per the contact order because he feels he has to. When he does go to see him he feels that he is not treated as part of the family. It is devastating for me. I feel unable to help my son.

You, however, sound like a completely different father. I understand why you feel the way you do. If, and probably when, your exw gets leave of jurisdiction I suggest you do everything you can to stay in regular contact. My exh has not spoken to our ds for over a month. Any small thing, a letter, a telephone call (even if it is 5 minutes), a small unexpected present (picture of you two together), a post card etc. If your exw is like me she will want to promote the relationship between you (even if my exh is an a*se he is still my son's father). Try and put a positive spin on the move for your ds. He will probably be feeling scared, anxious, and on top of that worried about keeping in contact with you. I know it won't be easy, but it will make it easier on your boy.

My ds has a mobile phone with his own payg sim card (maybe buy him an unlocked mobile for a leaving present if they go). We buy him a new payg sim every time we move country and he then text's his father and lets him know the number so that he can at least keep in contact by text.

None of this is ideal, and actually as a family we all wish that we could be in the UK, unfortunately for us the crown give us no choice.

Whatever happens you can maintain a good relationship with your son if you make the effort, which I am sure you will.

Good luck OP.