Adoption, fostering and a bit complex!

[zeebrugge]

I was adopted as a baby in 1971 and lived with my adopted parents until March 1987 when they were both drowned in the Zeebrugge Ferry disaster. I was put in short term foster care and then long term foster care until I timed out on my 18th birthday.

I was allowed to visit my former home, on the day after the funeral, to collect my belongings but never stayed there again. When my aunt and uncle came back from Denver in 1989 they lived there for a while.

Now I can sort of understand why I wasn't in the will, being adopted rather than a birth child. But as somebody told me over Christmas, and why I am writing, surely I was left something. Did I really matter so little.

Zeebrugge - thanks for your update. Your story has been like a fairy tale (tragic but with a happy ending)for use mners, which is why I've been gripped with it over the past month. However I'm under no illusions that the loss of your parents and subsequent action of your uncle and aunt have had a huge impact on your life. I fervently hope that this is a tale which has a long term happy ending for you. It sounds from your last post that you are signing off from mn. I hope not, or at least please let us know from time to time how things are going.

Thank you for the update, I would carry on seeing the bereavement therapist for longer than you think you need it - they will tell you when you're not actually needing their help anymore.

Such a tragedy that this has gone on for many years and the mess will take a long time to be finally over

Hi Zeebrugge - glad you are getting settled.

If I can give you one bit of advice (take it or leave it, I'm no expert!), it seems to me that sometimes when a huge change has happened in your life, it might be worth keeping some of the everyday stuff going (i.e perhaps don't give up your job just yet). Regardless of money, sometimes it is worth having the familiarity of every day life (like your colleagues, your normal pattern of working, the moany old customers at work!) as that might help you keep down to earth whilst getting to grips with all that has happened to you.

What does your DH say about everything?

Can you get a taxi to work until you get the new car?

(Just ideas - won't feel bad if you ignore me...!)

Would it not be better to wait til you can move in properly with your dh? Why did you move in on your own when nothing is sorted and it makes it difficult for work? Did you not think about selling and making a fresh start?

I am choking up just reading it.
It has moved on since I last looked on the 9th

I will never forget that Friday night in 1987 either. I was on my own in the house for some reason and sat crying in shock at the news. I was 18.

Some of my friends lost their fathers - crew on the HOFE. Many families that I know were severely affected by the trauma, they either worked on that ferry, or worked on the 2 sister ferries. My DH worked on that ferry in his youth. My ex-FIL never worked again after that week - PTSD. I thought he might have overexaggerated a little....but still..

To anyone who had anything to do with the ferries and the port (a large number of Dover families) the Zeebrugge disaster was a nightmare come true. The worst UK maritime disaster after the Titanic, iirc. It took the town a LONG time to get over it.

I am glad that the OP has got her happy ending. There are plenty that didn't.

Zeebrugge, so glad you've got your house and I hope everything else proceeds nicely for you.

You could do some basic OU courses to get you back into things and get your brain woken up. I'm just starting a maths course (MU123) and I'm not the only MNer to be doing it! (See here) for our OU support thread for students avoiding study. You will notice that we are all being very good at the moment and not posting that much. This is because we are keen and eager and haven't gone into proper avoidance mode yet. (My course doesn't even start until Feb 4th so I'm hoping that I'll get so far ahead now I won't have to worry about falling behind - some hope [rueful].)

What subjects were you most interested in at school? Were there any that you might have liked to pursue further? Is there a career that you have always (quietly) wished you'd been able to get into?

OU is brilliant at starting off with nice easy stuff - reminding you of things you used to know, or teaching you things you never knew - by starting right at the beginning; they're diagrams and examples are fantastic, and they have superb online tools too. Once they got you clear on the basic they move you on quite swiftly to the really interesting stuff. You just have to keep to your study schedule adn then you're fine.

You're not too old to start and this is probably a really good time to be studying for a qualification to lead on to getting work in a couple of years' time. Let's face it, there aren't many jobs around at the moment, so you could do plenty worse than study if you're getting a bit of dosh. (I paid for my course from my inheritance from my mum.)

Hi Zee - how are you getting on?

Nothing new to say about what the police are doing. All I know is that it might be months before any court case. There might not be a proper trial at all if Aunt and Uncle plead guilty. They get a lesser punishment if they do that.

I have not given up my job like I said I would. People here and my friends said it would be silly to do that. I spent money instead and got us a white 2005 Ford Ka to use when DH is not here. He works away doing 2 weeks on and 1 week off.

But I have given notice to leave the rental house we lived in for so long. I will miss some of the neighbours but not the noisy road. I am going to do a course at the local college starting in April to see if I can get my brain to work again. I signed up on Friday but don?t need to pay until nearer the time.

I am having counselling once a week for 6 weeks. I didn?t know how much hatred was inside me until I started talking about it.

The house is starting to feel more like it is really ours even though we have bigger bills to pay now.

Good to hear you are settling in. getting a car seems a very sensible idea and you can now carry on with your job while you wait for your college course to start.

Who would have thought when you first started this thread in December that a month later you would be where you are now and know what you know now?

Great to hear that all is going well for you. Think of you often. Good Luck.

Good luck with everything.

I am so stressed by how slow the police are being. Any court case might be be months from now. Nobody seems able to tell me. Aunt and Uncle are telling stories about each other. Saying it was the other one who did all the cheating and lying. I think they should share the blame.

My Ford Ka is lovely and it has given me more freedom DH is not here. He still works away doing 2 weeks on and 1 week off.

I have left the rental home on the busy road and we live in our new home all the time. I have been told not to talk to the neighbours about the court case. I am so looking forward to going to the local college FE college in April to get my brain to work again.

I am also paid for extra counselling once a week for another 3 months. I am stuffed full of hated for Aunt and Uncle.

Totally understandable! Think there's a lot of MN hate for them too.

Zee, it's good to hear from you again. It will inevitably be a long and slow process until this comes to court. At least you can get on with your life now - your aunt/uncle are looking at the end of the life they've enjoyed at your expense. If you were small-minded (like me), you could derive satisfaction from the suspense and anxiety they must be undergoing now.

I have been thinking about you recently and wondering how you are so am delighted you logged back on :)

I can imagine it must be horrible to reflect on the last 24 years and how they both treated you, but I am so happy that you are at last happily settled in your family home.

Please keep popping back to update us as and when you feel you want to because I'm sure we all think about you from time to time

Wow. What an amazing story. Am so glad you have uncovered the truth - that you WERE loved and your parents did provide for you. Your aunt and uncle are villains as bad as any Dickens invented.

Glad you are having counselling - this is a huge betrayal and a massive change in your life that will take a long time to come to terms with.

I have been waiting and waiting for something to happen. Nothing does. Aunt and Uncle were supposed to give up their passports but ran away to France. It took ages to find them. Living quite a posh life, spending my money still. When they were made to come back Uncle found a doctor to say he has memory loss. Just an excuse to avoid a trial I think.
Once a month the CPS get in touch to say no progress yet. I feel forgotten by them all.
I am doing a course at an FE college and hope to go to university as a mature student in September. It has been so hard to get my brain working again. DH still works on the oil rigs.
My neighbours all know about the legal problems but we never discuss them. I was told not to.
I still think about my Mum and Dad being killed. Some days it really hurts inside.

Zeebrugge I have just read your whole thread for the first time. Wow it has had me feeling all kinds of emotions for you tears anger and also joy.
I remember the disaster I am a couple of years younger than you and cannot imagine just how difficult it must have been for you.
Like you I would also be anxious to want some finality to this whole episode and I can understand that you are feeling so annoyed that it all seems to be taking so long. I would imaging though that unravelling 23 years of fraud and tracing where all the money went would be no easy job! Especially as your sorry excuse for an aunt and uncle would likely have hidden money over all of those years.
Reading you had gone back to your old room and stayed there for the first time since your parents died had me in tears. I hope that you are finding some comfort at least being back in the home you grew up in.
Keep strong, you have been through so much it is no wonder that it still hurts. Hope that everything gets sorted as soon as possible so you are able to try and move on from the awful deceit that your despicable aunt and uncle have put you through.

Sorry just read your op again, looks like we are the same age, I'm another with a sluggish brain from not enough use.
Hope that your college course is going well. What are you hoping to study at uni?

Hi Zeebrugge
Thanks for updating, yours is the only thread I have on my watch list, and I've been waiting for you to come back.
Sorry things aren't progressing quickly, I think when your aunt and uncle skipped bail they should have had it revoked and been remanded in custody (I bet that would have helped your uncle's memory no end!).
Good luck with the college course, your Mum and Dad would be really proud of you.