I want baby number 5 but hubby doesn't :(

[fizzyblush]

hello
me and my husband have 4 children together . I'd love one more but he is so done at 4. How do you deal with closing the book on having babies when you don't want to in your heart ? It's actually consuming my thoughts at the moment

I'd have been you if I'd started earlier. I think just accept that unless you want to harm your marriage badly, it'll be four. I'm fairly sure there is no number at which I wouldn't want more, it's like a gnawing need sometimes. I just accept that life isn't a sweetie shop and wait for grandchildren.

Why is 5 the magic number? Once you have had 5 you will want the 6th? Can you provide for that many kids?

I suppose you could think about why you want a fifth and really delve into what another child will give you that four kids cannot? Then think about what having a fifth would take away (quality time, attention, finances) from your existing kids.

Interrogate your narrative.

Think about making time for the children you have. It sounds like you are fulfilling your own need rather than that of your family. I say this gently as I know how hard it is. I had to stop at 2 for various reasons. I had always wanted 4! But fate decided otherwise. Instead I pour all my love into my two boys. And feel grateful for what we have.

Think about the 22 kids woman. She doesn't have time for any of her kids and has babies because she is addicted to it.

Can you as a family afford another child and mat leave?

I'm amazed people are still having children given the state of everything. Why would you be so selfish? Unless you're loaded with money and can buy everything they want and more.

I know I'm probably about to get slaughtered for saying that, I don't care.

I’d just write down my reasons for wanting more, the good things about it and the negatives. What are your reasons for wanting more, out of interest? If it’s just an itch, I’m honestly not sure everyone has that “Yes. I am definitely done.” sense of fulfilment so you may be waiting to feel it forever too.

Tbh, I can understand (just!) why a couple may want four (just for eg, two of each sex would be pretty great for the kids in the sense that they would all have a sibling of the same and opposite sex; three can be tricky with one being left out; some of course try for a baby of the opposite sex after three of the other sex - if this is important to some people etc) but five sounds like chaos to me and not in a good way. We earn v well but even four would mean we couldn’t provide for our DC as well as we want to.

I’ll be really harsh and honest and say I don’t think there’s any way you can patent a fifth child without taking away from the other four. I struggle to imagine how I would do 2 children (i have v high standards) but I really don’t see how you can parent 5 children to a reasonable level. Unless you are absolutely super rich and have an awful lot of help.

I agree. Also, even if super rich with every chore and job outsourced and a team of the best nannies money can buy, I wouldn’t be happy with how thinly I’d be spread between five (even four for me personally), regardless of how old some of them were. The teenage years are tough and increasingly so in this modern age I think.

Agree with most posts on here. Your OH has said he does not want another, so you have to have some respect for that choice, that is the main thing. I don't know your age, but the older you get, the harder it is, I have been through 5 pregnancies (my first was stillborn, I was 29, and I was so sad I said I would have as many that we would be blessed to have). Moving on 10 years and I was pregnant with my last. The last two pregnancies were difficult, 1 in 4 chance of downs, and I lost a twin of my last, and was very lucky to have him at all. I spent a lot of time in hospital from 34 weeks, before eventually having him induced at 37 weeks, whilst my other 3 were being cared for by my OH and family members whilst holding down jobs. Luckily, I suppose, 😂he was extremely needy as a baby, had colic from 6 weeks to 14 weeks, and was a complete bloody nightmare all the way through to about 2 (actually longer). Had I had him first, I suspect I would have never had another. And every time he kicked off, the other 3 used to mainly roll their eyes, be patient, and love him, but god knows the adjustments we had to go through. Every time you have another baby you do something to the rest of your family, and although there are good times (we are like a little tribe still, and lots of fun to be had in that) you are making your time stretch more between them. It is hard in the early years, but it is really hard in their teenage years, especially if your last has special needs. I hope this helps. I personally would not tempt fate in your position, but only my view and good luck in whatever you decide. xx

The pro and con list might help you come to terms with not having a 5th child.

Do you live in a 7 bedroom house?

Whatever you need to do to find peace you aren't having a 5th, do it. Your husband has said no and as much as this is a more common thread here with a woman with children feeling pressured because her new husbad wants children, the result is still the same. He said no.

4 kids is enough!

I don't know how you effectively parent and provide for five children tbh

Having children shouldn't be a hobby

Think we need more background really. X

@offyoujollywelltrot What if you can provide everything five children need? Not to be goading but genuinely asking if that makes a large family ok?

I know a few wealthy large families and people still seem to have an issue with it. One family have eight children, live in central London and have all children at the top private schools in the country. Eton etc. still offends some though.

How old are you both?

How old are your children?

Does the prospect of pregnancy, newborn, sleepless nights, toddler tantrums again just when he thought they were in the past fill him with horror?

Is there something about all that that you actually want to experience again - because you prefer it to the ages your children are now?

Are you not seeing your existing children (four?! - some women would give everything for just one) any more, with your preoccupation with a hypothetical fifth?

And what after number five - number six?

How old are your children?

Couldn’t agree more!

I say this gently, as someone who has 4 children. We need to accept our ‘done’ gene is broken and we won’t actually get that feeling of being done that we are expecting to have. I have come to accept that my lack of feeling ‘done’ isn’t actually a sign that having more children is a good idea, it’s a biological flaw!

When I’m being brutally honest with myself, I can acknowledge that having another child would be stretching myself way too thin and would be about fulfilling my own wishes, rather than being focused on appreciating the family and life I do have. I’d let yourself do a bit of grieving about closing the door on that chapter of your life, and then shift your mindset.

I'm guessing that OffYou might be referring to the implications of raising children in a changing climate with a poor global outlook in their lifetimes, in terms of collapsing weather systems, rising sea-levels, coastal flooding and subsequent displacement of populations, resource scarcity and resulting conflicts, regional crop failures and famine, not to mention antibiotic resistance and pandemics. So not so much about whether OP is able to provide for a 5th baby in the immediate term, but more about what our children's futures might hold, collectively, over the course of their lifetimes. It's a sobering thought. I'm not sure how we square it.

Four is a lovely number. Stick with that. You're very lucky if you can cope with four - I have three and would've loved another, but I know it would've broken me. Enjoy what you have.

I know you’re not asking me but I think one could provide financially if very wealthy but I’m still not convinced that money can buy being an attentive parent with all five of your children - it couldn’t for me at least. But I wouldn’t be happy with spending a shorter amount of quality time with each child every day, if I had nannies for example - even if I didn’t, this would happen anyway with five!

My sister has three with just a couple of years’ gap between each child: boy, girl, boy. They have entirely different interests and hobbies which means that they she and her DH have to rotate who takes which child to what. It’s becoming more difficult to choose family activities as ones interesting to her oldest aren’t suitable for her youngest and vice versa. She can’t spend as much time reading with her eldest at bedtime as she has her hands full with the younger two. Five children obviously covers a wider age range than this so I’d expect these challenges to be massively compounded.

Honestly I'm more offended by this - having eight children and then sending them off to boarding school. Just awful - why have children just to send them away and damage them?

My answer to the OP would be - if you can think of good reasons why your existing children need yet another sibling more than they need more money and more of your time, then go ahead, but I bet you can't. Which means it's not the right thing to do for the children you've already brought into this world, and that's the priority.