I want baby number 5 but hubby doesn't :(

[fizzyblush]

hello
me and my husband have 4 children together . I'd love one more but he is so done at 4. How do you deal with closing the book on having babies when you don't want to in your heart ? It's actually consuming my thoughts at the moment

All it does is scream of your own inadequacies.

I feel I couldn’t parent five as well as I want. I don’t think I’m an inadequate mother at all. We all have different versions of what kind of parent we want to be.

Most importantly, my toddler is loved, well fed, clothed and warm. I’m lucky that she’s still quite young and we can afford for me to have a longer period off work in her earliest years. She does a different toddler group or club like swimming each day of the week and has quality time with both of us on weekends doing something nice like going to a museum or event for her age. I would want to give all five of my DC exactly the same experience that she’s had: including lots of one to one quality time with both of us. I struggle to see how this would work effectively with five of different ages and with varying interests and points of development.

Also, it’s important to us that we have quality time as a couple in the evenings. With five, we’d be doing far more laundry and chores than we already do which sometimes feels endless with just one and me off work currently. I am already nervous about returning to work in the next year and being as good at my job as I’d like to be and simultaneously as good a parent as I’d like to be.

I have five siblings, only two of us really get on. The eldest and the youngest barely know each other, there's 21 years age gap between them. My friends who only have one brother or sister seem to have a much closer relationship than any of us.

@Sugarbyebye you see that depends on so many factors. Am one of 10 and we all get along somehow. Some are closer to each other than others but in our case it has more to do with personalities and incidents than age gap. I will concede though that at some point the older ones (one in particular) acted as surrogate mums instead of enjoying their 20s or 30s. May be even younger years.
Am not saying @fizzyblush should have the 5th kid or not but that arguments of whether she can cope with five or whether they will be close are highly contextual.

I wouldn’t want 5 but you don’t need to take toddlers to all these expensive clubs. They rarely remember or appreciate them anyway. I think it’s more for the parents. My 4 year old has always preferred the park to expensive organised fun. Fed and warm are the basics surely? Museums are usually free! Yes you’d be time poor with loads of children which could be a problem.

I never said they weren’t the basics. Maybe my turn of phrase suggested they weren’t. 😂 I think I just mentioned them first in case someone replied “These clubs aren’t important. It’s x, y and z that counts.”

Most toddler groups are free in London (baby swimming isn’t of course) and obviously most museums are too. I was referring to the time and logistics aspect and wanting to do this with all five DC but it being much harder.

But this was my point. I have friends who are happy to stay at home a lot with their little ones. It’s horses for courses. My mum was brought up never going on a plane (or on any holiday) until she was in her twenties and she doesn’t remember ever going on a day trip. We really enjoy doing these kinds of things but I think if we even had four, travelling, day trips and clubs would be far less frequent. Even three children! That one obviously is about money.

I had five children but only because I remarried. I wanted another one and the feeling continued until I hit perimenopause and then it just disappeared. I got a prolapse when I hit the menopause, no doubt because I had five babies (only one was under 8lb). Then I got the news I was going to be a grandmother right at the time my maternal urges disappeared and that was difficult too because I struggled to feel enthusiastic! Do whatever is best for your marriage and family, I don't know how old you are but the urge will leave you at some point.

The chores and laundry genuinely do not seem endless here- it’s not something I do when the kids are in bed either so it doesn’t interfere with me spending time tiwgr my husband. Most of it is done while my youngest naps. It’s not like all the children are here at once all day every day either- they are at school/nursery. So my youngest still gets the one on one time that her siblings did before they started school/nursery. And, shock horror, my kids enjoy playing together and being around each other. We make sure they get time to do things just for them. If they want to do something that’s just “their thing” then we still do it- they don’t do everything with their siblings. But similarly- they prefer other things like softplay to play when they are all together or at least a few of them together. I never did baby groups/clubs massively when any of my children were little. Whether I had one or five at the time.

Things like holidays are unchanged- we still do what we have always done. Taking them to Paris then Disneyland in a few days, as an example. So I don’t see how that’s much different to experiences one child will get.

With work, I don’t understand how having a child will make you any less able to do your job well. Or how working will make you parent less effectively. We’ve both had promotions etc while having a larger family. I’m currently doing my masters. You can be good at your job and be a good mum.

I think some of the posters are missing your point. Logically you know you can't have limitless babies, you already have four so you're well aware of what it takes and the challenges of adding a new baby to the family.

None of the typical "focus on your existing children", "the world doesn't need more people" are actually answering your question of how to let go of your heart's longing to have another.

I don't know the answer to this as I have three and would love another. Four has always been the number I wanted. But I know if we do have a fourth I will be so incredibly sad and emotional about it all. It's actually putting me off deciding because I know I will also be deciding to have my last baby.

For me, the idea of this incredibly intense but so precious stage of my life being over is overwhelming. Motherhood has been transformative for me so to say goodbye to ever becoming a mother again will be incredibly hard.

I have enjoyed my pregnancies, I have been lucky enough to have experienced what it is like to have a wonderful birth, I've loved breastfeeding my children. While I'm incredibly excited to watch my children grow up it will still be hard to say goodbye to this part forever.

I asked my own mum for advice and she said that even if you never feel done eventually you do feel at peace with it. I think I will need to take some time to really sit with it and let myself feel all the emotions before I consider trying for our fourth.

Best of luck OP, I really hear what you're saying. It's ok to feel sad about it all.

I know all the opinions are completely valid . I do realise having more is most probably really silly . It's almost like I can't helo but want to have another even though the logical part of my brain is saying 'no you have 4 that's it ' ... I'm 35 for context .. I've had miscarriages and one stillbirth inbetween my 4 children . My children are 12,8,4 and 1 ... have never once felt done but always put the feeling aside for a few years after having a baby hence the slightly large gaps between 2 and 3 !

Thank you for your lovely response ! It really is so hard to feel like your current baby is your last . It's a sad feeling ! i completely understand what you mean about knowing that having a 4th will be experiencing your 'last pregnancy '

How much quality time do you spend with each of your children on their own every day now? I have serious doubts about anyone with average resources really being able to meet all those children’s needs on a daily basis.

I’m so sorry to hear about your stillbirth and miscarriages OP. That must have been absolutely devastating and I’m sure it’ll explain st least in part your feelings. I’m pregnant atm and I hope this will be my last pregnancy and I do know what you mean. I filled in my booking form and thought “Wow, this is (hopefully, all going well) the last time I will do this.”

I have 5 DSs and 1 DSS. They're all grown up and left home now . But its still difficult financially because we can't help them as much as we'd like to get them on the property ladder, etc .

Having a larger family has many benefits for the children as well as some negative implications like time

one of the biggest parenting mistakes you can
make is to deprive your kids of your time

@wingingit1987 I agree. It’s quite obnoxious to assume that other people can’t effectively parent more than one or two children because they can’t.

Children aren’t tiny and helpless for long. This idea of manic juggling is a bit farfetched.
As is the notion of the older ones taking care of the younger ones. “Get your sister a drink please” or “grab your brother’s coat too” is about the most helping anyone does around here.
That happened in DH’s large family but that’s because his parents were lazy, selfish people. Decent parents don’t delegate that way.

My children can do whatever activities they choose but I’m surprised at how important people think that is. It really isn’t in the grand scheme of things. Extra curricular activities are very new to childhood.

OP I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine. Perhaps this is why you feel so strongly.

Enjoy the children you have and take your life in a new direction

100%. I’m the eldest of 3. My mum constantly had babysit and look after my younger two siblings as I was a good bit older. I was really resentful of it. So, I’ve always said I wouldn’t expect my older kids to shoulder my responsibilities.

But many small families don’t give their children their time. I know lots of families of 3/4 where their little ones are in nursery from 8am-6pm, 5 days a week from a very young age, for example.

Whereas that’s never been the case here- when we had one child or now that we have 5. My children always have one of us home. We all spend the bulk of our time together in the garden or in the living room when we are all home. We do lots together as a family every day. I don’t get where my children are meant to miss out on time with us. Plus they aren’t all one age, on one routine. The baby is the only one here in the mornings while the rest are at school/nursery. But the older ones get to be up later as they don’t need an earlier bedtime. They get one on one days etc.

It’s quite obnoxious to assume that other people can’t effectively parent more than one or two children because they can’t.

My children can do whatever activities they choose but I’m surprised at how important people think that is. It really isn’t in the grand scheme of things. Extra curricular activities are very new to childhood.

I mentioned both me feeling like I couldn’t be as good a parent as I want to be to many children like four or five. I’m not sure saying this about oneself necessary implies others can’t. I’ve made it very clear in a few posts that we have different versions of good parenting and that there are indeed different versions of it. Of course there will also be common ground all children need. Some people’s tolerance for feeling frazzled is much lower or higher - I’m clearly one with a low tolerance. And I would absolutely feel frazzled with more than a couple. Everyone is different. When I go back to work, I’ll be adjusting to a job where I used to work 80+ hr weeks pre DC it’s that all consuming. I will gradually work less part time as my DC grow up but still be working evenings and weekends as it’s the nature of my job, as it is my DH’s. We both wish we knew just how hard it’d be with a family before we picked our careers. Yes, it’s our choice to stay in our chosen industries but it’d be difficult to start from scratch now, especially with a young family.

Regarding the extracurricular: It is actually so important to me and my husband. Many who choose to send their children to private school will do so, and pay the huge investment, at least in part because of the extracurricular offer and what they feel will develop their character outside the realms of more traditional education. I have colleagues who chose their DC’s schools entirely because of the extracurricular offer. It’s important to many parents in my experience, especially as children grow up. Of course, it’s not as important when children are very young - but still important to me personally.

I’m one of 5 siblings. It was a miserable childhood, not enough time, space, money etc. sibling rivalry x 5, couldn’t wait to leave home!
I do still see my siblings, but we’re not close at all. I used to dream about being an only child or only having a brother when I was growing up.

I could be like this with dogs. but babies-no way! If that's what you want-good luck - it probably isn't a great idea if he isn't on board, though.

OP when I feel sad about never having any more kids I remember one has to be the last..if you had another you'd still have to deal with that reality. Just later down the line.

It does get easier as you get older. I'd be horrified to get pregnant now my youngest is 10 and do all over again. If she was baby I'd be up for it.

Also what your dh says us really important. If he is done his parenting might change if you ever did talk him round due to resentment

@Harri899 Yes but that’s you. You and your threshold, you and your parenting ability in your particular circumstances. You’ve said you don’t see how five children can effectively be parented. That implies that it can’t be done when actually it’s just that you couldn’t do it. My point stands. In any case I wasn’t necessarily just referring to your posts. Others have said the same.

Re extra curricular, my children are privately educated. They all have access to many activities after school and at weekends. All of them. So that point is also not applicable to me. You may only be able to do that for two children, others can do it for many more. I still think it doesn’t really matter though. Your children may not want to do them. You definitely aren’t a better parent because your child does LAMDA & swimming. They mostly drop it all as teenagers anyway.

The way you work is perhaps prohibitive to you having more than two children but our work doesn’t impact our family at all. So different strokes… what you can do isn’t what can be done.

No one would look at my family & think anyone is suffering because we have more than two children. Quite the opposite. Lots of people have told me they envy us. I’ve lost count of the amount of times people have told me they would have loved a large family.

One of my closest friends is the youngest of five. Loving family with SAHM. Run pretty much on traditional lines: dad breadwinner mum ran the house/raised the kids.
She says she rarely saw her mum sit down at meal times. She was often on her own and felt ignored as her siblings had various things going on - school, afterschool activities, play dates etc. Her older sisters now say they felt burdened having to pick up the slack and care for her. She said she got away for years not brushing her teeth!
She has three kids of her own and has always worked full time. She debated long and hard about the third, but says she would never have as many kids as her parents.
Including my stepsons (who lived with us from teenagers), I have four kids. When I had my last I was often asked if I'd have another. My response was why? We have four healthy kids. What would another bring? Yes love multiplies, but why tempt fate? The fifth may have special needs. It would definitely have taken away from the other kids in terms of my time and energy, not to mention finances. And as my youngest is off to uni, I'm wondering how I would have afforded if I had two (or more) there simultaneously (my first born didn't go to uni).

I felt complete at 2.
So struggling to understand this urge tbh.
Maybe do some work on why you feel this way?
It doesn't follow that you MUST have a 5th, just because you feel like it.