I want baby number 5 but hubby doesn't :(

[fizzyblush]

hello
me and my husband have 4 children together . I'd love one more but he is so done at 4. How do you deal with closing the book on having babies when you don't want to in your heart ? It's actually consuming my thoughts at the moment

Also, how old are you and your husband and how old are your children?

There will be a point when all your kids move out and have their own families. How will you cope then? I'd think about finding interests outside children instead of throwing number 5 into the mix.

I agree. With 5 or more children the eldest always ends up with a lot of responsibilities. Frankly with 4 I think te eldest ends up with extra responsibilities but it’s not so bad. 5 seems to be a tipping point. More than this is just unfair on the older children in my experience (and I speak as a youngest from a large-ish family who was very happy)

I got a kitten when my youngest (of 3) was 1.5 and another when youngest was 7 and a dog when youngest was 10 🤣. It works and we are all still alive and happy (youngest is 16).

Seriously though, I've just been through A levels with eldest. Both exam years were traumatic for him - and me. So much emotional investment, financial investment, encouragement, patience . My niece is an only child and has type 1 diabetes (since age 7) along with severe mental health issues (starting at 14). I don't know how my sister does it, it's extremely difficult, and I'm often grateful she only has one child to deal with. If there was any other children, they'd just have 'get on with it'. You don't know what the teenage years will throw at you, but you need to have the emotional resources available because mental health issues are massively on the rise.

I hope this doesn’t come across as patronising but have you researched the parental contribution with going to university? We hope to have two and we save monthly for our baby and invest in case they wish to go to university and we also think they’ll probably more than likely need some help with property given how difficult it is even now. We both earn well, especially my husband who is in the top certain low percentage of earners, but we don’t feel we could give three as good a life as we want. I don’t understand how friends with over 3 do it. I know plenty make it work and are good parents - I’m not disputing that. I would personally be frazzled.

@offyoujollywelltrot

it’s actually not good to buy children everything they want , it makes them spoilt.

to be honest I come from a working class family .
I went to uni but had to get our student loans . As expensive as things are I personally don't think having another child should be based on whether we can pay for their uni fees if they decide to go and if we could pay for
theM each to have a house etc . That's not real life for most . I get what you mean about thinking of the future costs but I don't think not having enough money to fund u I and property is a problem

I have 4 and I agree. I will never feel done. I had a mc with my 5th and that child would be turning six right now. I felt awful yesterday. Their are three mums at school would a child of dd age and a child turning six. Of course I'm sad. But to snap out of that dispare I think of the kids I do have. Ds1 wasn't happy about our 4th. He was 10 then and a fish would have really upset him. He was a hard teen to parent. I'd be x age when that child finished uni. X more years of school runs. Dd has a club nearly every night and ds has clubs. No one stopped clubs when I had my 4th. I spend thousands on clubs but I have no down time before dinner.

I'm possibly peri now and the urge I think has gone now. I'd love e to go back start younger and have more. But I know that's what I need. It's not what my existing kids need.

Eldest still talks,about how he should have been a only. Ds2 thinks I should stopped with him. Youngest says I should had her first and been a only. We are a lovely family as we are.

Also one of my children is severely disabled. You can't plan for that.

I’m not referring to just the very wealthy being able to pay for the fees of their children outright and buy them a house. We would never do either for our DC - nor could we - but there are plenty of threads here where people who aren’t high earners are worried about being crippled by the parental contribution they are expected to make, especially if they have two children in close age or a larger number of children.

It’s like the egg and the chicken though. They do keep saying we have a declining population due to lower birth rates, but the population has increased in the last 20 years. I would hazard a guess they don’t know the true population figure.

So we might have a declining birth rate compared to previous generations, so the government can officially say that but there are more people here than ever before and that needs to be factored in.

The main reason women aren’t having more children is because the cost of raising a child is so expensive. So adding more people in total the mix isn’t going to help that situation unless the governments (I say plural as they’re all to blame over the years) start building more houses etc…

How awful, I can’t imagine it, I hope now you are not ‘surrogate’ to anyone any more.
Your mum, prob consumed with your younger siblings

Nobody needs any children at all - it's a biological drive that most humans feel at some stage, and we try to justify it by telling ourselves stories about how lovely it is and wonderful etc. But basically we're driven to reproduce same as any other animal, in order to keep the species going.

Try to think of your feelings and thoughts from that perspective. It's not necessary to have more, you've done your bit for the continuation of the species, and you're better off focusing on the children you've already got in order to get them into adulthood in one piece. 😅

University fees and house deposits are niether here nor there; in 20 years I don't think the economy will look the same, apprenticeships will be more the norm, and buying a house may not be possible for much of the population. They'll figure it out.

I'm pregnant with my surprise third. With everything going on, there's no way I'd terminate. You just make it work. I'm not loaded, but I'm good with money and saving it.

🙄

you can pick the immigrants you want to have in though, big UK families are usually taking more from society than they're giving.

plus the planet can't support that many people.

Having kids is clearly not filling whatever need or purpose you feel you're missing or the previous 4 would have done that. Maybe time to do some deep work to find out the real reasons you're dissatisfied with your life or what worries you have that you're trying to patch over with a baby.

I have one DD, and I am genuinely torn on having a second. With the state of the world and the economy. We can afford a second, sure, but I want to make sure I have enough saved in an account for my child to put a deposit on a house, or get themselves set up in life. I never received any help from my parents as they were working class and my god have I felt it. I've worked myself up from the age of 18 in finance, earn a good wage and between myself and DH have an annual joint income of nearly 100k, do we still have a mortgage? No. Do I want the same for my children? Absolutely not. I'd rather be building for my DDs future than prioritising hypothetical children.

Do you work OP? Do you pay for childcare? I actually do think it's very sad when children aren't in any form of childcare before they go to school. Can you afford multiple children in childcare? 4 children is a lot. Why isn't that enough for you to feel satisfied? I get it, we're programmed to procreate but you already have 4 times over. I don't understand how parents can spread their time evenly if they have loads of children.

I never had the urge to have another

Took 10yrs ttc and 5 private costly ivf to get my one and only ever bfp

Mini blondes is now 7

Forever grateful I have her and happy with one as never thought I would be a mum

My friend always wanted 3 - has 3 now said she would like a 4th but it won't be happening

I honestly don't know how parents cope with 3/4 kids with school homework and reading every night and any activities - we do 2 a week

The cost and time is takes for one - let alone 3:4

And 22kids counting. Poor kids. Never have any time or attention and older kids do the parenting - but they are unusual rare family

Stop at 4 op - enjoy the ones you have

In your financial position I absolutely would not have a fifth. Your chances only go up as you age of the next baby having autism or some other disability. It would take so much away from your existing 4. If you're unable to make the parental contributions for uni you're already putting your existing kids at a disadvantage. It sounds like you make more than what would qualify for the full loan. 4 is also a lovely even number. Some women just never feel done. But bringing a child into the world just because you feel broody isn't the right thing especially when your husband doesn't want one. Focus your love and resources on your existing 4.

Why would any parent want to buy children 'everything they want and more'? That is not the purpose of parents!

Thanks ladies . Yes I work and currently pay a small fee for my youngest but he gets the 9month working families - 15 hours . My 3 year old gets 30hours . My other half runs a construction business but is 'self employed ' so doesn't have a great deal of stability when thinking of the future . We wilL stop at 4 as I know it's the right thing to do and also he doesn't want another which is completely valid . It's just frustrating to me that I never feel 'done' .. I want to feel done! I had a stillbirth in 2015 and think some of it must come from the trauma surrounding that? But I also think I'd feel this way if I didn't loose that baby?

5?? I mean I get it, if you really want another child and you have the feeling inside. But ultimately do you need it? Do your other children need it? 4 is surely enough

I do have 5. But it was with hubby's agreement. They are all grown up now. Achievable only because i worked from home as a childminder, housing was more affordable back in the 90s, and i am of that generation where men go to work and earn the lion's share of the income and women do literally everything else (as in all the housework and childcare)

That seemed a fair deal to be but i doubt it sits well today where Dads are a bit more hands on and women want a bit more housework help.

You can earm a decent income childminding though - i contributed ¼ the household income.

Once baby number 5 was born, i felt for the first time that my family was complete. Maybe because i was 40 then and i felt that was my very last chance. I had had 4 early mcs between baby 4 and 5.

All was well and having 5 was brilliant for us. And them I think! So much fun with a few kids.

I made a career out of being a Mum to my own and a carer to many others over the years. I was very fortunate in having a supportive DH but i was also very capable; having more didn't really put any extra burden on him. If we needed more money, it was me that worked more as his income was fixed.

But - changed times. Does anyone ever have another baby and regret it though?!

Got to get the child benefit somehow.
But in all honesty.
I'm one of 7 /2 half siblings and my eldest sister took on a lot of responsibility that she shouldn't have.
To the point she didn't want children when she left home.
A friend of mine is the eldest of 10 and she and her brother felt like parents instead of kids.

@4timesthefun What a gentle and wise comment