I want baby number 5 but hubby doesn't :(

[fizzyblush]

hello
me and my husband have 4 children together . I'd love one more but he is so done at 4. How do you deal with closing the book on having babies when you don't want to in your heart ? It's actually consuming my thoughts at the moment

Surely that depends on the siblings? Hopefully they will have a great relationship all their lives but that isn't always the case. There are siblings that abuse siblings (even the Duggars which everyone thought was so wholesome at the time). Even if not extreme they may just not like each other. On the other hand there is a strong correlation between attainment and money.

I'm not overly close to my only sibling - I wish her well (and her me) but it just always feels like it's not a natural interaction. There is an age gap so that's perhaps why. She also seems to think I have an easier life (absolutely not true).

My mum was one of five, the youngest. Contrary to her thinking she was the lucky sibling showered with attention while her older siblings became parents, she has always believed my gran had favourites in her oldest sons. She also remembers being very embarrassed at having to wear scruffy hand me downs, including those of her brothers. She is close to her one sibling, her sister, but not her three brothers at all. They are older - not really but even five kids with a two year gap between each is an eight year period. So I can understand wanting to give a child one or two siblings, although it’s not guaranteed they’ll even like each other, but I’m not sure four is adding much.

I really think though that this is slightly irrelevant as for the women I know with four or five it’s very much been about them wanting to scratch an itch to have another. Nearly all absolutely love the baby stage.

Links or references, please.

I hope you find a way to have your fifth child. Five children is a wonderful number of kids to have. I always wanted five, and now I am blessed with seven kids and am super-grateful. There are innumerable pros and cons to growing up in a big family, but as long as there is plenty of love to go round, the pros should outweigh the cons.

That's a shit reason to have kids just to keep things going. I'm glad births are declining. Human beings aren't meant to be drones to keep capitalism going, it's barbaric.

You're being selfish.

Yeah it will. We've absolutely slaughtered the planet, genocide and famine, disastrous weather conditions etc. People are struggling badly and the future looks bleak as fuck. But sure, let's have more kids to look after us when we're old to keep the capitalist machine going, and when we're dead it won't matter what happens to them will it, because we won't be around.

But yeah let's keep procreating with wild abandon, woohoo!

Why don't you do some research before spouting such nonsense.

Waste and pollution practices - and who is that by? Oh yes humans. That are all born. FFS.

Have you ever heard of a thing called the Census? Of course we know the true population figure 🙄

Yeah because everyone fills out the census! 🤔 and nothing can change in TEN years….. 🙄🙄

I know someone with five children and, honestly, it's incredibly hard work. They're all different ages and interests so it's hard to plan activities that everyone will enjoy, the house is constant chaos, they are winding each other up and arguing all the time, getting them to school is a major logistical exercise, and the house is constantly draped with drying washing. They're lovely kids, but their parents are absolutely exhausted. Don't do it, OP.

🤣👏👏👏

Wow you're getting a hard time OP. There definitely seems to be an acceptable amount of children and apparently five is too many!

Lots of posters saying they can barely cope with one or two and couldn't imagine having more than that. Everyone is different though, in temperament, tolerance and stress levels. I have four and for a time would have loved a fifth. There's ebbs and flows, some periods have been so busy, but I've loved it for the most part.

If you look, there's "research" to be found that can back up pretty much any point of view. Can you please link to this research you're referring to so that its validity can be assessed? There may well be, but your assertion isn't sufficient on its own.

I'm asking this as someone who chose to be a stay at home mum to our DCs, because we could afford me to and it felt right to me, but also as someone who values scientifically verified facts over vague claims and statements...

I agree though. Having childre should be based on how much money you make. Otherwise then it's OK for Elon Musk and Nick what-his-name ex of Mariah Carey to have doyens just because they are rich (to varying extents) but not for someone on minimum wage in UK ot subsistent farmer. The fact that capitalisme has made it thus is atrocious and man made.
Indeed from your climate perspective 10 children in say Chad cost the earth so much less than à child in the uk and more so the child of à rich person.
Otherwise I agree that we need to think about the future we are sharing for our children

@fizzyblush I undertake every argument people are making: stress, time from other kids, climate change, Political landscape etc. But ultimately this is about you and your dh (as others have said some parents can cope with big families whether they are rich or not. Some kids love growing up in big families and kids can be messed up regardless of the numberof siblings they have).
If you have a 5th will your marriage survive? Do you want it to? If after the 5th he becomes an absent dad because he is overwhelmed by a situation he didn't want will you cope? Will the kids be ok? If you don't have the 5th how will it affect your relationship? Which compromise is (objectively) the least damaging for your family?

I think you need to decide which you love more - your husband or a potential 5th baby

Hopefully, the latest research will ease your mind a little: www.thelancet.com/journals/lanepe/article/PIIS2666-7762(24)00203-5/fulltext

That’s fine but if you want old people to be able to access free healthcare and draw a pension then sufficient working age people need to pay tax to pay for it. I’m not advocating for people having loads more kids, as it happens, I think solving the declining birth rate with immigration is more sensible (because we do have enough people, they are just in other countries) but I was also just pointing out that people don’t tend to like high levels of immigration.

I didn't realise it was every 10 years in the UK 😮 it's every 5 in Ireland.

I have 5 kids. Husband said he was done after 4 but we had a big heart to heart and he said realised he would never regret having children but may end up regretting the ones we didn’t have.

I think that’s always such a crappy comment. We have 5 kids. We can afford them without issue. And that’s with me working part time. Husband’s a high earner, I earn good money for the hours I work. We work around each other so we don’t rely on outside childcare. The kids have a nice life. We make sure everyone gets to do whatever hobbies/clubs they want. The kids always have at least one of us here. They have whatever they need and probably too much of what they want, at times when I look at the toys, gadgets etc they have. They very much are loved and know they are loved. I never understand the “how do effectively parent 5 children” thing. All it does is scream of your own inadequacies.

Untrue.

The replacement rate is 2.1 so society literally needs families of 3/4/5 to balance out the 20% who never have DCs.

We have a massive demographic crisis looming which will have a worse impact on the economy than the 08 crash/ Covid combined.

The uk government's solution atm is to plug this gap with immigration but that comes with issues...

Globally the birth rate has dropped below 2.1 so once everyone alive now is dead the human race will be in terminal decline.

This is the biggest threat to humanity.

We need to be encouraging and supportive of mothers.

If your husband doesn't want a 5th then he should get a vasectomy.

If either of you don't want a 5th, you shouldn't have a 5th - would you be happy to be coerced by a husband into having a child you didn't want?

I always look at these things from the current children's perspective - I think children's needs should come before adult wants.

Another child will mean that your current children are likely to get less of your care and attention, and possibly less financial support. That's in the best case scenario where you have a healthy pregnancy, birth and child. In other worse scenarios their losses could be more considerable.

Have you considered what would happen if you have a child with additional needs, become unwell yourself after birth or other common scenarios such as job losses or relationship breakdowns - can you support 5 children in every way, can your husband on his own?

You have 5 people in your family who this will affect negatively. Why does what you want overrule this?