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Original poster

Having a third that husband doesn't want

149 replies

baboon2 · 06/05/2024 19:04

I have recently found out I'm expecting baby no3. Husband really doesn't want another. He's stopped talking to me until I see 'sense'.
He's said some pretty nasty stuff that I don't want to go into detail and I feel like this could break us.
I have always wanted a third and it's never been a secret, I want to keep the baby but husband feels i am being selfish and doesn't think we will be ok financially.
We are currently in a two bed house but are not in a position to move as youngest is only in nursery two days a week and we have no other childcare. So I'm not back to work properly yet.
I don't want any negativity I just want to ask if anyone else is in/been in a similar situation and can share your experience etc.
Please be nice.

OP posts:
Halfemptyhalfling · 06/05/2024 19:10

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MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 06/05/2024 19:39

I’m sorry OP, but sounds like your husband was being very sensible not wanting a third baby. Children are a huge financial burden as lovely as they are… I think some people want that cute little newborn baby again and don’t consider the consequences another mouth has on the family financially. There is a selfish aspect to that, from your DH point of view. Especially as the children you already have got are still so young and the trips, days out, fun experiences will be limited the more children you have.

DH is wrong for being nasty but if he was clear he didn’t want a third and you wanted a third, there should have been a conversation before you ended up pregnant -accidentally or not. It’s messy now and he has hurt your feelings to the point where you may be left to raise 3 very young children alone.

A 2 bed house isn’t ideal for a family of 4 let alone 5, but I’m sure there are many families out there in that predicament that make it work. I would really consider if another baby is the right thing for your family. If you are set on a 3rd, would be better in a few years once your children were in school?

Goodluck OP

Greywitch2 · 06/05/2024 19:51

No use crying over spilt milk. You are having a third baby so you'll have to manage.

There is no point him being nasty about it. He should have made absolutely certain that you didn't get pregnant if he didn't want another child. Vasectomy was always an option if he was that adamant.

Don't be pushed into an abortion you don't want. Just say to him 'that isn't an option and I'm not prepared to even discuss it'.

Original poster
baboon2 · 06/05/2024 20:33

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 06/05/2024 19:39

I’m sorry OP, but sounds like your husband was being very sensible not wanting a third baby. Children are a huge financial burden as lovely as they are… I think some people want that cute little newborn baby again and don’t consider the consequences another mouth has on the family financially. There is a selfish aspect to that, from your DH point of view. Especially as the children you already have got are still so young and the trips, days out, fun experiences will be limited the more children you have.

DH is wrong for being nasty but if he was clear he didn’t want a third and you wanted a third, there should have been a conversation before you ended up pregnant -accidentally or not. It’s messy now and he has hurt your feelings to the point where you may be left to raise 3 very young children alone.

A 2 bed house isn’t ideal for a family of 4 let alone 5, but I’m sure there are many families out there in that predicament that make it work. I would really consider if another baby is the right thing for your family. If you are set on a 3rd, would be better in a few years once your children were in school?

Goodluck OP

I completely understand where your coming from.
I just think by the time they are both a bit older it will be too late to have a third personally.
I really don't want to have an abortion I just wish hubby would support me in having this third.

OP posts:
Original poster
baboon2 · 06/05/2024 20:34

Greywitch2 · 06/05/2024 19:51

No use crying over spilt milk. You are having a third baby so you'll have to manage.

There is no point him being nasty about it. He should have made absolutely certain that you didn't get pregnant if he didn't want another child. Vasectomy was always an option if he was that adamant.

Don't be pushed into an abortion you don't want. Just say to him 'that isn't an option and I'm not prepared to even discuss it'.

I did suggest vasectomy loads before but he didn't have one and have mentioned this again to him but he's not having any of it.

OP posts:
WeightoftheWorld · 06/05/2024 20:36

Well, obviously it's up to you but clearly this could result in the end of your relationship so I'd think very long and hard about what that would mean for you and your children if it materialises.

SleevedOff · 06/05/2024 20:41

I believe it is your body, therefore it is your choice.

What I will say though is are you prepared to be a single parent to 3 children if your husband cannot move past this and you separate?

My mum always told me never to base my decision on the hope the man would change their mind or respond positively. She said if I ever found myself pregnant and on my own was willing to go it alone then it was the right thing to do by me.

I've had a friend who hoped the baby would be the cement that brought their relationship back together and this turned out badly. She loves her child but is somewhat resentful of the life she no longer has and the fact that her ex pretty much does what he wants, leaving her to raise their child on her own

aldpiahvge · 06/05/2024 20:44

It's your decision and you can't be pressured. But I would be very cautious to manage your expectations, whilst you've been wanting a 3rd it's unlikely to be the magic bullet you may think it is to your life. A 3rd baby will put added time and financial pressure on you both, if your DH feels this strongly he will likely feel very resentful. I think you need to weigh up the decision as if you will be doing it as a single mum raising 3 children, or in an unhappy relationship, because it's very likely those will be the scenarios you are in.

idreamoftoddlersleepytime · 06/05/2024 20:44

Give it time. It's a shock. He cannot be abusive towards you though. There's no justification for that. My third came after a miscarriage and is almost four years younger than his brother, and seven years younger than his sister. It's hard work but he is so joyful. Plus (and this is the quiet bit out loud) barring complications from disability etc, it's easier in many ways because you're a better more experienced parent.

Springadorable · 06/05/2024 20:51

You haven't said how you got pregnant, but if you were very keen and he wasn't then I'm sure there's a suspicion that you made it happen on purpose. Which is a really erosive thought for a relationship, particularly in the face of some real hardships if you keep the pregnancy. It's a tough one.

idreamoftoddlersleepytime · 06/05/2024 20:57

Springadorable · 06/05/2024 20:51

You haven't said how you got pregnant, but if you were very keen and he wasn't then I'm sure there's a suspicion that you made it happen on purpose. Which is a really erosive thought for a relationship, particularly in the face of some real hardships if you keep the pregnancy. It's a tough one.

🙄 I suspect OP's DH knows where children come from and recalls his part in the conception.

Springadorable · 06/05/2024 20:58

idreamoftoddlersleepytime · 06/05/2024 20:57

🙄 I suspect OP's DH knows where children come from and recalls his part in the conception.

Show quote history

Quite. So if they were using condoms and it split he is being much more unreasonable than if OP was on the pill but "forgot" or similar.

Babadook76 · 06/05/2024 20:59

If he’s already said stuff that’s so nasty that you won’t tell us what it is, do you not think the relationship is doomed anyway? He’s a fucking idiot for not getting a vasectomy or preventing the pregnancy, and he’s a fucking prick for whatever he’s said, but I do have a lot of empathy for the burden on him. If you’re not fully back in work after the last baby and you’re about to have another, presumably the full financial burden is on him which is a hell of responsibility. He may be out of his mind with stress and feeling like a failure that he can’t provide for his family properly. I don’t know how you’ll manage with 3 kids in a 2 bed.

Wishlist99 · 06/05/2024 21:05

No excuse for him being nasty - that’s horrible. And the silent treatment is abusive too.

But it sounds like you can’t afford a third child. We both would have loved a third child but we stopped at 2 as we didn’t think it was sensible financially. It’s meant we can pay for private school and several holidays a year.

So I think you are faced with having three children on your own or two children in a relationship.

he’s not going to change his mind about this - or if you stay together and have number three I suspect the pressure on your marriage will be unbearable if he’s already being unkind.

katebushh · 06/05/2024 21:10

I'm sorry but I judge anyone bringing an unwanted baby into the world.

I'm 46 and was very much an unwanted baby. It's not a good set up for anyone in life. Sorry but I despair of people like you.

LindorDoubleChoc · 06/05/2024 21:10

If he's a nasty person why would you WANT another child with him?

Pinkpinkplonk · 06/05/2024 21:11

I think you’re in a no win situation. He’ll resent you keeping the baby, you’ll resent him if you terminate. You really need some time and a lot of rational talking…..

Fiery30 · 06/05/2024 21:16

His abuse is unjustifiable. However, he has been clear about not wanting a 3rd child, so his reluctance is understandable. Of course it is your body, your choice. But what happens after the baby is born and your husband is not as invested as required?
Of course it is possible that he will love the child dearly but resent you all his life. There are no easy answers to this one, unfortunately.

CulturalNomad · 06/05/2024 21:23

I know you said you didn't want any "negativity", but it's hard to see much to be positive about here. Your husband is adamant that he doesn't want a third child and you are pregnant. In a matter of months you will both be sleep-deprived , worried about money and living in an overcrowded home.

Are you fantasizing that he's going to miraculously have a change of heart? If so, I'd temper your expectations.

Original poster
baboon2 · 06/05/2024 21:24

katebushh · 06/05/2024 21:10

I'm sorry but I judge anyone bringing an unwanted baby into the world.

I'm 46 and was very much an unwanted baby. It's not a good set up for anyone in life. Sorry but I despair of people like you.

This baby is not unwanted Thankyou and would never feel unwanted, I very much want this baby as I have stated.

OP posts:
Rainbow1901 · 06/05/2024 21:25

I can see that you both have differences of opinion here - but whereas you have made no secret of wanting a third child he has been completely irresponsible in ensuring that a third pregnancy wouldn't happen. But since he hasn't had a vasectomy or used condoms - he's been playing with fire and got burnt and is now blaming you. It takes two to tango and he is being unreasonable now.
This obviously hadn't been discussed between you both before you fell pregnant and now is creating massive issues in your relationship with neither of you prepared to see the other point of view. You need to get talking because this isn't an issue that will go away - this is a child who will be around for at least the next 18 years whether you stay together or decide to part. I hope you can work something out between you.

Original poster
baboon2 · 06/05/2024 21:26

LindorDoubleChoc · 06/05/2024 21:10

If he's a nasty person why would you WANT another child with him?

He is not a nasty person, he has just said a few nasty things probably in frustration which is obviously not acceptable but he isn't a nasty person

OP posts:
katebushh · 06/05/2024 21:26

This is you being selfish. Your wanted baby will grow up knowing it's father did not want it and will not get the support or love she or he will deserve.

Think about everyone else involved and the future.

aldpiahvge · 06/05/2024 21:29

Have you thought about the impact on your older children? I think that's what I would centre my decision on.

MonsteraMama · 06/05/2024 21:29

Are you prepared to be a single parent to three children? Because that very well might be the outcome here. It's a shit situation but you need to start being realistic about the scenarios that are likely to play out here. It's absolutely ok to want to keep this baby, but you need to prepare for the possibility that you'll be doing so alone.

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