Thoughts on some of the negative comments on here and in real life

[Dontcryformeallegra]

I must admit, I haven't really had many negative comments about having 4 children in real life but I often read stuff on Mumsnet!
What do you think about the following and do you have any to ad?

The following what? Big families?

4 isn’t that big but then I was brought up in a Catholic community where average was 4/5/6. Biggest family I knew had 11. 2 or 3 was considered quite a small family.

I think big families are lovely and I would’ve loved one had my health/finances been up to it.

Environmentally, it depends - big families are less likely to go jetting off round the world for fancy holidays, tend to use hand-me-downs more, the kids entertain each other so they don’t have as many days out etc (that’s just my experience)

My friend regularly makes barbed comments about big families, she takes a foreign holiday every couple of months at least & her carbon footprint must be absolutely enormous

As far as growing up in a big family goes, I appreciate it now but found it embarrassing when I was younger. I do feel I missed out on parental time/effort, everything was rushed & stressed and a case of ‘sort yourself out while I sort the little ones’

But nice as an adult to have that family network so swings & roundabouts

I mainly stand in awe of anyone willing to go through pregnancy and birth x 4 or more. And who can stand or even enjoy the noise and chaos. I planned two, have three and am absolutely done.

I think there’s also (like practically everything else in this country) a wealth/class angle to it. So no one bats an eye at Rees-Mogg having six (?) kids, whereas if Wayne from the estate does he’s feckless or it’s a reflection of a too-lax benefits system.

I have 3 and would like a 4th (or more)

I ignore the comments - they tend to come from posters who come across as smug environmentalists who say the only reasons they are only having one is due to climate change but then probably drive their kid to school in a 4x4 and have a dozen long haul holidays a year

There are bigger problems in the world like big corporations that contribute more to climate change than me and my uterus

Following what? You haven't put anything following that.

I had three, which is a larger than average family. Nobody actually commented at all. I suspect my parents were mildly surprised because they could never see why anyone should have a different point of view to them, so thought that everyone should just have two children. They never said anything though, and my sister also had three.

The environmental angle is also that your family will be using more resources forever, so can’t really offset by not travelling abroad etc. You will need more food, possibly a bigger house many people have to get a larger car, your DC will move out and need somewhere to live and so on.

Also difference between wealthier larger families is that they are possibly more likely to be net contributors to the economy compared to lower income larger families

Two is plenty for anyone. I wonder why this elephant in the room is ignored when discussing the dwindling resources of planet earth.

11 dc here. Gave up listening to negative comments years ago.

People aren't going to say anything to your face though are they?

I do think large families are moving towards becoming socially unacceptable.

I have a big family and I do feel guilty about the environmental impact of that. All the recycling in the world isn't going to balance out the strain extra people put on the planets resources.

People aren't going to say anything to your face though are they?

Exactly!

I think it’s a combination of factors

The environmental aspect is huge
I’m not sure if it’s verified as true but I saw a stat on another thread that said you would have to do 72 London to New York flights to have the same carbon footprint as a child produces in its first 5 years
So all the lavish long haul holiday 4x4 driving one child families aren’t going to anywhere close to the impact of a bigger family

But for me, I think the biggest change is how much more open people are about talking about sub-optimal childhoods

DH and I are both from big families and I think it’s only been in the last 10 years it’s been more open/acceptable to finally say ‘actually it’s a bit shit when your parents had no time for you and your childhood was largely spent babysitting siblings’
The ‘ahh we were all loved, that’s all that matters’ narrative that we were brought up to believe is gone
There is just a much wider recognition of the impact of benign neglect on kids

Certainly I’ve noticed the difference when I tell new acquaintances I’m one of 6
It used to be mild curiosity and assuming it must have been fun
Now it’s more of a sympathetic head tilt and ‘that must have been tough/interesting’

I come from a "big" family (4 kids - nothing compared to 11! Wow!!) and I loved the general hub-bub. I was never lonely! But as the second eldest (and only girl) I was generally expected to provide childcare for the younger ones, which I hated. I missed out on lots of ordinary teenage experiences with friends in order to look after younger brothers.

I've opted for a small family because I am one of these environmental types. We do go to Spain once a year, it's true.

I wanted lots of children when I was younger but it no longer fits with my personal views and I'm happy with the way things are.

I do not judge people that have large families but I think if someone asked this question again in another 30 years, the answers would be a lot different and a lot less agreeable IYSWIM.

@Dontcryformeallegra

I must admit, I haven't really had many negative comments about having 4 children in real life but I often read stuff on Mumsnet! What do you think about the following and do you have any to ad?

Most of the comments I heard about large families were said behind the parents’ backs.

My mother was one of 14. It doesn’t sound like it was a particularly healthy state of affairs, psychologically. I can’t see why you’d have more than two or three really. Maybe four tops. It seems a bit backward to me, and tbh the people doing it have seem to have abjured responsibility to either their belief in a higher power (usually called “God” but in reality should usually be better called “child benefit”), a megalomaniac pater familias, or their experience of a miserable childhood that they somehow want to fix. Or all three.
Personally the thought of the laundry alone makes me want to faint.

@Palmfrond I think if I had 14, I'd give up on laundry and just have them out in the garden for a weekly hose-down, clothes and all.

Hopefully the fact that people don't comment IRL shows that they still have a vestige of politeness?! As a concept, I disapprove of large families because I'm 'one of those' bloody environmentalists. I'm willing to debate the issue in principle on a forum that no one has to go on and where my views, if hurtful, can simply be ignored as the mad witterings of an old hippy. I would never deliberately hurt someone to their face because what on earth would be the point.

Sorry posted too soon;

Environmental reasons

Often asked on here, can you give more than 1/2 children attention?

Can you afford them?

Are you relying on benefits?

Well thats depressing

“Onzanj

The environmental side, never occured to me when I was making my family😳 I recycle, reuse/sell/give away clothes etc no longer use, as well as other stuff. I don’t eat meat/fish and try and feed my family a low meat diet too. I have a small car, Dh has a six sitter which is rarely use. We usually do on foreign holiday year often to the other side of the world (apologies)😳

@Kendodd

I have a big family and I do feel guilty about the environmental impact of that. All the recycling in the world isn't going to balance out the strain extra people put on the planets resources.

I wonder if it balances out a bit as some are having none, some 1… seems more common these days?

@Pumpkinsonparade

11 dc here. Gave up listening to negative comments years ago.

I agree with PP that most comments won't be to your face. I privately think that having a large family is selfish on almost every level, but there is no point saying that to someone who already has loads of children - the damage is already done at that point and my comments wouldn't change anything.

@BlackberrySky

I agree with PP that most comments won't be to your face. I privately think that having a large family is selfish on almost every level, but there is no point saying that to someone who already has loads of children - the damage is already done at that point and my comments wouldn't change anything.

Snap! I wouldn't comment on my thoughts about delibratley having an only, so fair point.

I’m an environmental fretter too. I’m too polite to say anything to your face and can’t judge as not perfect myself though I do try - but personally think having more than 2 kids is pretty unjustifiable now. There are finite resources and having more and more people just really isn’t going to help. I know some mothers of large broods say extra people are needed for pensions etc but practically how can that be right with finite space? Each generation having to be larger and larger ? They’ll be no countryside left.

So I wouldn’t comment but I won’t be gushing about how marvellous large families are. It’s a bugger though I wish you could have as many kids as you want and I could fly without guilt but sadly not the case anymore.