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Original poster

Tell me why we shouldn't have a fourth child?

175 replies

catgotyourtongue · 07/07/2020 14:50

I am 27 and DH is 29. We've been together for 12 years and we are very stable. I don't see our relationship faltering at all with another child.

Our children are DS8, DD7 and DS2.
We live in a 3 bed house - two double (11x9) and one single (6x9). DD has the single and the boys have one double and we are in the other.

If we had another, we would be happy to move into the single as we only need a bed and the TV in our room. DH has his computer downstairs and our TV could easily go on the wall. We have a very large airing cupboard where we could store our clothes etc.
Our downstairs is big enough that we won't be cramped together (large lounge, with an extension) and a separate dining room. But it is all open plan and the dining room is in the middle so we can't change that into a bedroom.

I don't drive (epilepsy, I would be allowed to drive but I'm not willing to take that risk) but DH has a 7 seater with a big boot. Not that we really go out anyway!
Our support network is amazing (my family live on the same road).
Money is not an issue, we are not rich at all but we're not struggling. A couple of years ago we were living payday to payday but we're not anymore (only by £50 or so but still!)

I have the implant but it is due out next July. I've currently had a period for the last 2 weeks and I don't know if that's related to the implant (no periods at all and it's been in 2 years now).

I can't shake the feeling of not being "done"
I thought I was finished after DS but I can't stop thinking about it. DH makes odd comments about how he'd like another and then changes his mind. But when we got together, he only wanted 1!

Our three are all healthy and the pregnancy/birth was easy.

I'm not sure if I'm forgetting anything!

OP posts:
MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 07/07/2020 16:43

Anat about YOUR pension? Do you have one?

Original poster
catgotyourtongue · 07/07/2020 16:50

No they don't do any classes, they have tried after school clubs before but they didn't enjoy them and I'm not going to force it on them.

DD is having fun learning songs on her keyboard from YouTube (we learnt to play Baby Shark together earlier). But she doesn't want to have lessons.

I don't have a pension. It wasn't until recently that I found out you could get a private pension. It isn't something I looked into because it confused me. But that is something I had planned on doing and clearly totally forgot about.

OP posts:
Atadaddicted · 07/07/2020 16:52

Oh OP

Stick with 3 and invest your time, energy and limited space and finances on them.

Really.

nicenames · 07/07/2020 16:53

Just to also check that you are not on one of the epilepsy drugs that they now think may cause birth defects? If so, this is also something you need to consider before having another child. This is not intended to scare you, just that on woman's hour this morning there was a piece about women not being given enough warning about these medications

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 07/07/2020 16:54

Get pension advice and soon. Youve already nearly gone through your whole 20’s without contributing to one.

Do you own your home?

fruitbrewhaha · 07/07/2020 16:55

Crumbs no OP you just can't afford more children.

£300-350 after bill a month is fine when the DC are little and don't eat much, do activities, and can wear hand me downs. As they get older and want to join sports clubs, music lessons, swimming lessons, have new clothes of their own, you will be broke.

I think I'd be looking at ways to gain some qualifications, for you and DH, and a plan to get back to work yourself.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 07/07/2020 17:02

OP, I always wanted 3 kids, but we decided to stick with 2 due to finances (we waste money a lot) we only live in a 2 bed house and obviously my earnings will take a big hit if I had anymore.
I found out I was pregnant about 5 weeks ago, and honestly just can't get excited about it. There are so many reasons not to have a third baby for us that in all honesty I'm dreading it. I feel terrible for saying that though and haven't said it to anyone irl.
We have quite a bit more spare cash than you every month. I mean 300 would be decent, but 50 isn't much at all.
I would say just stick with 3. We can't afford to move, and I don't really want to anyway because I live where I live, so our only option is build an extension and the headache and worry that is causing me is ridiculous.
Dave yourself the bother and just stick to 3.

youhave4substitutes · 07/07/2020 17:05

God, if your relationship breaks down you'll be in real hardship as it is OP.

You don't need a 4th child. You need a job and a pension and some savings for your children's futures.

IamPickleRick · 07/07/2020 17:06

I’m same as you, 3 kids and epilepsy. I’ve got TLE and seizure free for 5 years, so I do drive now. I’m not having another because I am just done with the baby years, I want my house tidy and a job, start to move forward with things like holidays and being able to do things again.

Dozer · 07/07/2020 17:08

Doesn’t sound like you can afford it.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 07/07/2020 17:11

I've just shocked myself and counted up our outgoings and incomes to see how it compares to yours and we are left with about £2500 after bills every month (not including shopping or fuel). I honestly thought it was a lot less than that, but like I said we do waste a lot of money. So even with £300 a month, with 4 kids that will be very tight.

naemates · 07/07/2020 17:13

Watch Little Fires Everywhere.

SingingSands · 07/07/2020 17:17

Teenagers are very expensive. That's my advice.

Do not underestimate or romanticise the financial reality of having four teenagers.

formerbabe · 07/07/2020 17:20

Your life sounds lovely...I doubt a fourth would improve it

Kust · 07/07/2020 17:20

Teenage years are SO expensive, don't throw another one into the mix if you haven't got a good amount in savings and a pension.

Go out to work and find your love for life outside the family home. You will also be in a better financial position if something happened and you became single.

OldestSister · 07/07/2020 17:25

NC as possibly outing.

I'm the oldest of 4. My youngest sibling is vulnerable (brain injury at birth) and has always lived with our parents. That is, until they both recently died. Their local social services won't take on care (they need support rather than full-time care) and me & the other siblings are all scattered to the 4 winds, the nearest is 200 miles away. It's a mess, a total mess. Think carefully about what could go wrong. Just because your first 3 are healthy doesn't mean the 4th will be.

MiddlesexGirl · 07/07/2020 17:27

Mum of 5 here. I love it. Would not have had it any other way. Kids are all back in lockdown and about as tightly bonded as any siblings could be. I was a sahm so had plenty of time to give them one on one attention. But we did have enough money and space.

SnuggyBuggy · 07/07/2020 17:30

I think your children will benefit more from financial stability than an additional sibling.

It sounds like you started your family very young, isn't there anything else you'd like to do with your life? Is this what's daunting you and making you consider having another baby and sticking with what you know?

Ickabog · 07/07/2020 17:36

I think your children will benefit more from financial stability than an additional sibling.

//\
This.

notheragain4 · 07/07/2020 17:46

Your house isn't big enough

You never know what's around the corner; redundancy, death, affairs, if you have 4 kids the fall out from things like that would be much worse. Especially as you are financially dependent.

Your children will benefit more from the additional time you can give with them without the 4th child, than they would get from an additional sibling.

hippospot · 07/07/2020 17:48

There is also the risk you'll have twins. Five children would be even harder let's be honest.

I'm one of three and it was a fight for parental attention. I can't even imagine if we'd had another sibling. I've stopped at two.

Original poster
catgotyourtongue · 07/07/2020 17:48

@SnuggyBuggy I was nearly 19 when I had DS. Him and DD were both contraception failures. But I wouldn't change them for the world.

(I moved in with DH when I turned 17 though so I didn't bring another baby into my mum's house before anyone thinks that!)

I've worked full time and I've worked part time. But my life revolves around my children. They are literally everything.

Maybe it is me sticking to what I know now DS2 isn't dependent on me (not breastfeeding now) and he will actually let DH put him to bed.
The thought of starting something new is scary and I do worry I wouldn't be any good at it, whereas I know I can raise my children..

OP posts:
Original poster
catgotyourtongue · 07/07/2020 17:53

@nicenames That is part of my worry. I am on that one. The medication has the massive red warning on the box.

I've been on this medication for 12 years now and because my dosage is low, it's not a HUGE risk.

I have been VERY lucky that my children have had no issues and are healthy.. but i would be risking it again if I had another.

I had a lot more scans and check ups with DS2 because they were more aware of the risks. They tried to change my meds but that was riskier because I started suffering absence seizures and twitching. So it was safer for me to stay on them.

OP posts:
youhave4substitutes · 07/07/2020 17:55

Everyone's life revolves around their children. You can work full time and gain financial security and offer your children experiences they wouldn't otherwise have......because they are your everything.

That's what I do. If your children are your everything then don't force your DD to give up her privacy to share with a teenage brother or a toddler as she goes through her teenage years.

Abraid2 · 07/07/2020 17:56

@Pelleas

Think of the environment and the carbon footprint that child will have.
This.