Tell me why we shouldn't have a fourth child?

[catgotyourtongue]

I am 27 and DH is 29. We've been together for 12 years and we are very stable. I don't see our relationship faltering at all with another child.

Our children are DS8, DD7 and DS2.
We live in a 3 bed house - two double (11x9) and one single (6x9). DD has the single and the boys have one double and we are in the other.

If we had another, we would be happy to move into the single as we only need a bed and the TV in our room. DH has his computer downstairs and our TV could easily go on the wall. We have a very large airing cupboard where we could store our clothes etc.
Our downstairs is big enough that we won't be cramped together (large lounge, with an extension) and a separate dining room. But it is all open plan and the dining room is in the middle so we can't change that into a bedroom.

I don't drive (epilepsy, I would be allowed to drive but I'm not willing to take that risk) but DH has a 7 seater with a big boot. Not that we really go out anyway!
Our support network is amazing (my family live on the same road).
Money is not an issue, we are not rich at all but we're not struggling. A couple of years ago we were living payday to payday but we're not anymore (only by £50 or so but still!)

I have the implant but it is due out next July. I've currently had a period for the last 2 weeks and I don't know if that's related to the implant (no periods at all and it's been in 2 years now).

I can't shake the feeling of not being "done"
I thought I was finished after DS but I can't stop thinking about it. DH makes odd comments about how he'd like another and then changes his mind. But when we got together, he only wanted 1!

Our three are all healthy and the pregnancy/birth was easy.

I'm not sure if I'm forgetting anything!

Small children are cheap. Teenagers are not. Music lessons/ sports clubs/ holidays / phones/ clothes / trainers all cost+++

This is it, 100%
Everyone thinks babies cost a lot but the reality is that it's nothing compared to older kids and the stuff that comes with. Big enough houses are another instance! And believe me, cramming people into a too small house makes for a shit childhood for your kids and a miserable experience for you.
Imagine if lockdown happens again and you've got 6 people in your 3 bed semi, it'd be a nightmare.

That thread is interesting, it seems like most people had a bad experience. I've never felt not loved enough or that I didn't have enough time spent with me. My dad passed away when I was a baby. But my family is so close and I spend a lot of time with my mum.

I did want to go to college and do hairdressing, but I wouldn't be able to do that until DS2 was older anyway because of the distance between our house, college and school.

I know 3 people well from a family of six, including DH.

None of the siblings are close and I would hate that sort of group dynamic/politics. At best everyone is civil and know each other superficially, gatherings chaotic but a duty bound calendar event. At worst nobody likes anybody and gatherings painful with infighting, ending in total dissipation once the parents pass or multiplying into separate families/step familiies.

With 3 kids each family member already has 4 x 1-2-1 relationships to develop and nurture, plus various sibling dynamics and not to mention children outnumber parents.

I can’t see how having another baby wouldn’t be detrimental to the children you already have, sorry. Your house would be at best a squeeze and the children will need more space as they get bigger. You don’t sound like there an awful lot of wiggle room in your budget and at a time when we’re facing goodness knows what kind of recession, I would be saving as hard as possible to build up some security, not considering TTC. I’m sure your child would be loved by all the family once they were here but that’s not to say that another baby would be in any way a good decision for your kids.

Do you have an emergency fund saved up or anything put aside for your existing children’s’ futures?

Hard to say. You're still really young. Why not give it a few more years, have another in maybe three years? I have a 5 bed house and I would hesitate with the resources required for a 4th, so I would really give it some thought. Also, wait until we've seen the other side of the economic depression that is coming our way. That £50 could be gone before you know it.

I did want to go to college and do hairdressing, but I wouldn't be able to do that until DS2 was older anyway because of the distance between our house, college and school.

But by having another baby your adding another what, three or four years to that? You say it like you can’t do it yet anyway but you can do it an awful lot sooner if you don’t get pregnant again and go back to square one! Doing some training and getting yourself some kind of career would surely be the best thing for your growing family at this point?

Don't do it. Three can be one two many, four is madness. (I've got three)

Mum of 4 here, sounds awful but I honestly wouldnt recommend it. Baby number 4 really rocked the boat and I often think life and all people in it would be much happier if we had stopped at 4 there is so much to consider I'd say have a really good think about it first xx

So a couple of years ago you were basically living hand to mouth

Now you have £50 a month spare and think you’re comfortable

OP you can’t afford it.
Your children are sharing as it is.
Your health isn’t great.

No. Just no.

So have you got any qualifications now? Do you work? What savings do you have roughly?

Are you planning to be able to help your DC through university etc?

The economy is going to struggle for some time after this lockdown. I know the Government is throwing money at it at the moment but at some point that will have to stop. Taxes are likely to go up, prices too (even more so if no deal Brexit).

If finances are tight, never mind anything else, I wouldn’t even be considering it.

The very fact you think a spare £50 a month is fine is totally baffling to me.

I would be absolutely shitting myself if that was my situation.

You cite your mum living on the street as a positive and then say you are wanting to move.

It sounds like you don't have a job and you have no savings. In 10 years you might be expected to contribute to your child's university fees. How are you saving for that?

In 5 years you could have a teenager and a toddler sharing a room. I see all of this as being a massive disservice to your daughter tbh. Poor girl. She either shares with a baby or shares with her older brother through her teenage years.

All because you want her to.

We have an emergency credit card.

As far as I'm aware, drs aren't removing implants anyway.
DH just phoned me about something unrelated and I joked about another one and he was like "hmm no"

Reading that thread on large families and what some of you have said. I think i would be doing it more for me. I hadn't thought about a lot of things.

I'm glad i posted because it has made me see different sides.

Have a look to see if you qualify for any kind of bursary for the course you would want to do. You may be able to get help to cover childcare or transport costs. If you could train as a hairdresser before you have another DC you’d be able to work part time before they start school and bring in some extra money.

£50 spare per month isnt a lot. What do you do if you have an unexpected expense like having to buy a new appliance, pay a parking fine or have car trouble? You would be better off waiting, doing your training to get a better paid job and getting a bigger house first.

It seems unfair on your other children for them to have tiny bedrooms - which an 11x9 double split in half will be - or for you to sleep in a tiny bedroom. Where will your clothes go? A 3 bedroom house is not big enough for a family of 6. If you got pregnant accidentally then you could squeeze in and make it work because you might feel you have to, but to deliberately try for a baby in your position seems crazy to me.

An emergency credit card is the whole amount of your "security" and you are thinking of having another child? No. Completely irresponsible and selfish, glad you're having a rethink

I knew I remembered your name!

Just yesterday you posted * DH works in a thing for Cefas on shit money. *

I don't have a job. I had to stop working with my last job (supermarket) because they refused to change my hours so I wasn't able to do the school runs. DH didn't drive then so he took over my hours (same place). He has since got a full time job which is when our situation improved massively.

During that time, he worked the days I didn't so we didnt need any childcare. But when I left, he ended up working 6-7 days a week.

We wouldn't move far from where we are. We'd like to be about 10-15 minute walk away from where we are now which is in the middle of the primary school and high school.

My health is fine. My epilepsy is controlled, I haven't had a major seizure in 13 years and I've only had incidents when they've tried changing my medication. I have photosensitive so the sun can cause a seizure, which is why I can't even think about driving. I can't create that risk for myself/family and other drivers.

@Atadaddicted I never said he was on good money.. just that we're not rich but not struggling! The money is shit for the importance of the job he has to do.

Op you said he was on shit money - yesterday

An emergency card is not savings so irresponsible!

£50 spare a month is only a good state to be in if

You are pouring money in to pension and savings and this spare £50 really is just spare as in knocking around the house for when you need the odd pound coin for something!

After bills, we have £300-£350 spare.

The £50 was just an estimate of what we have left by the next payday. There is never zero money in the bank.

There is money taken from his wages to a pension scheme.

I echo PPs that relying on a credit card for emergencies when you’re a family of five is bonkers. You really should focus on building up even a small emergency fund.

You need to build up your savings and a pension. How are both those things atm.

Do you current children do classes at all? Sports? What are their extra curricular activities?!

£50 spare is simply not enough.