Tell me why we shouldn't have a fourth child?

[catgotyourtongue]

I am 27 and DH is 29. We've been together for 12 years and we are very stable. I don't see our relationship faltering at all with another child.

Our children are DS8, DD7 and DS2.
We live in a 3 bed house - two double (11x9) and one single (6x9). DD has the single and the boys have one double and we are in the other.

If we had another, we would be happy to move into the single as we only need a bed and the TV in our room. DH has his computer downstairs and our TV could easily go on the wall. We have a very large airing cupboard where we could store our clothes etc.
Our downstairs is big enough that we won't be cramped together (large lounge, with an extension) and a separate dining room. But it is all open plan and the dining room is in the middle so we can't change that into a bedroom.

I don't drive (epilepsy, I would be allowed to drive but I'm not willing to take that risk) but DH has a 7 seater with a big boot. Not that we really go out anyway!
Our support network is amazing (my family live on the same road).
Money is not an issue, we are not rich at all but we're not struggling. A couple of years ago we were living payday to payday but we're not anymore (only by £50 or so but still!)

I have the implant but it is due out next July. I've currently had a period for the last 2 weeks and I don't know if that's related to the implant (no periods at all and it's been in 2 years now).

I can't shake the feeling of not being "done"
I thought I was finished after DS but I can't stop thinking about it. DH makes odd comments about how he'd like another and then changes his mind. But when we got together, he only wanted 1!

Our three are all healthy and the pregnancy/birth was easy.

I'm not sure if I'm forgetting anything!

Oops that was long - sorry

You only have £50 spare each month and would have to share a single bed with your DH?

That's enough for me tbh

If you have £50 left at the end of each month surely then with a fourth child you would be quite tight for money?

Your children need your time and attention. If you have another, you will have less time for the ones you have. Your children may want to go to university and may need financial support in the future. Other than liking being pregnant and enjoying babies and early development, what reasons are there for having more?

*You only have £50 spare each month and would have to share a single bed with your DH?

That's enough for me tbh*

Yes - I think that pretty much sums it up.

You only have £50 spare each month and would have to share a single bed with your DH?

She meant single room. Not single bed. And she didn't say they get paid monthly.

You can't even get a double bed in the single room so that would be a no from me. Are you going to share a single with your DH? Only having £50 spare when surely the kids will need clothes, activities etc as they get older. If you have a third boy are you expecting your DD to share a room with her DB or are you going to cram 3 boys in one double room? Your house sounds like it is too small for a family of 6.

The only reason you want another child is for your own personal fulfilment. It will have, if anything, a detrimental effect on your three existing children. Your resources (which don't sound lavish), attention, space etc will be split between four rather than three.

"She meant single room. Not single bed. And she didn't say they get paid monthly."

A single room fits a single bed unless I'm missing something? Unless they get paid daily then £50 left out of each pay packet is nothing.

Consider the three children that you already have and the sacrifices that they will have to make because you don't feel done. The practicalities of it don't add up, focus on doing the best for the three you already have, things get more expensive as they get older and in the current economic climate I think it would be foolish. Totally your call though. At 27 I wouldn't call a relationship stable either, sorry.

How would a fourth child benefit your family?
Or are you just broody and thinking of the baby stage?

Are you likely to be able to afford bigger property in the future? Your kids are not going to want to share rooms forever! What if you have another DS? Will DD have to share her room with one of her brothers? Good luck with that in puberty! We have a 4 bedroom- all doubles and are wavering over whether a 3rd child would make everything too cramped and expensive. Give the kids you have a nice life with fun holidays and lots of time with their parents.

Is the £50 left at the end of the month there because you’ve lived off a tight budget or is there only £50 left because you spend a lot on luxuries?

I may have the measurements for the single room wrong, my mum has the same size and has a double bed in the smallest room. We only use the room for sleeping or watching TV sometimes.

By the end of this year we will have more spare as a couple of debts will be paid off. After bills, we have £300 to play with. I'm not the best at explaining finances! The £50 is what we're left with by the time the next payday arrives. For example, we will have £50 left from the June pay when July gets paid.

Six people will not, successfully, fit into a 3 bed house for prolonged time. Your current kids will not thank you for it.
Find that thread that was running the last week or so on what the kids of big families actually thought of their upbringing. It's an eye opener!

Think of the environment and the carbon footprint that child will have.

you one of 4+ siblings? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3956953-Are-you-one-of-4-siblings this one

Ok so you'll have £300 a month left.

If unexpected household expenses don't wipe that out and you have zero holidays you'll have £75 per child and zero for you and DH.

How will you save up for potential uni fees? Won't you ever go on holiday? Where will they all sleep? Would you be happy in that tiny room if you were ill? Would your daughter appreciate sharing with her brother through her teenage years?

You don't have the money or the space

Bloody hell! Sorry, shit link.

Are you one of 4+ siblings? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3956953-Are-you-one-of-4-siblings

The response upthread asking what an extra child would add to your family vs being just about your own wishes caught my eye. I wonder if this is a question many ask themselves and I suspect they don't. Especially on the larger families thread here. Or rather I wonder why some ask it and conclude an xtra child would benefit their family and their existing kids rather than disadvantaging them? I mean, each extra child means less parental time and attention for the existing kids which is surely a negative? We could afford another child or two (and have two currently) but I think have pretty much concluded that the issue of splitting attention and non-financial resources means we will stop at two. I can see how in the long term lots of siblings could be a benefit to an adult child but short-medium term I think there are downsides to larger families for children. And especially if money is tight. Just my thoughts. What I would say in caution given that money and space is tight in your case is what if you had twins for the next pregnancy? That could really tip the balance. Good luck with your decision anyway!

You’re 27. Is there any hurry to have a fourth? Fertility issues? You’re less than 12 months away from free nursery hours for your youngest. Is there anything you want to do? Work qualifications or further education?

If you’re sure you want a fourth now then go for it but if your DH is the sole earner and you have a £50 a month cushion you might want to look into employment insurance. Something that would pay out if he suddenly lost his job or was ill and couldn’t work.

We would like to move eventually. Ideally to somewhere with a totally separate dining room which we could turn into a bedroom.

If i had a boy, we could split one of the bigger rooms for DD and DS8. Then the younger two would share.
If i had a girl, we would move into the smaller room. The rooms are a decent enough size that they could be split in half with enough room.

I will have a look for that thread, it will be interesting to see what they've said. I have 3 sisters myself so I'll be able to compare.

It’s terrible for the environment. We have to take responsibility, right? No one really needs lots of children. Unless you don’t feel enough love? Think of the loss of green space that will be used to build more houses for our ever increasing population. Not to mention the rest of the carbon footprint as a PP mentioned.

Small children are cheap. Teenagers are not.
Music lessons/ sports clubs/ holidays / phones/ clothes / trainers all cost+++ . That combined with helping them to get through uni. It's very expensive. Unless you can comfortably afford it for the 3 you have don't go for a fourth. You owe it to the children you already have.
My 4 were spread over 10 years so needed different things from me at the same time. But I sometimes feels like I'm spread too thinly.

You're very tight for money and space. How much have you saved for the actual children's futures and emergency funds etc? I presume a decent amount?

I honestly do not understand why anyone in their right mind would have over two children tbh.
Things become incredibly hard to juggle after that in my opinion, financially, and particularly emotionally. The attention our children receive after every subsequent child lessens drastically, particularly when considering the balancing act required to work/provide financially, take care of your relationship if you're in one, each child's individual needs etc. Something or someone always misses out.
I take my hat off yo those with larger families but can only assume it is something of a military operation, ie the children's needs get bundled together, as opposed to fewer children who have the benefit of more one on one attention from their parents.