Really hurt by comments about our family size

[NotaFreeloader]

On announcing my pregnancy I have comments from 4 different people 2 question have I decided to have another just so I ‘don’t have to work’
Another saying we just want a bigger house
Then someone else saying I must not have been careful with contraception- this was a planned baby

For a start yes I do intend to work once the youngest is at school. Whenever that may be and I have a Dh who works and supports us
I don’t want to move we have plenty of room
If I worked now it’d cost the government a LOT for helping with childcare so it’s not that I’m costing ‘the taxpayer’ money

Why can’t people just say congratulations and mind their own business

Hot I'm not London based

The op asked for opinion on a larger family thread so i dont understand why there are so many people who are opposed to larger families on this thread

I don’t think this is about being London based. It’s about living the life you can afford and giving your children the best life possible.

OP states family members have made comments well maybe because they think she’s taking the piss!! And you can’t blame them really 5 kids is a bloody lot.

@JKScot4

Isnt it the 'little Felixes' of this world that contribute more than they take from the economy, thus enabling people like OP to live in cheap social housing?

Well, 5 children is a lot of children.
Generally think someone's reproductive choices are nobody else's business but given the state of the planet 5 children is selfish.

So have I got this right? OP has decided to have a fifth child when she doesnt work and is mainly subsidised by the taxpayer? And doesnt understand the negative reaction?

You can give five children a nice life with a sahp in say, the north west. Its disingenuous and london/SE centric to claim otherwise.

5 is a lot when you can't afford them. It's not nice to hear negative comments come your way, completely understand that, although i'm not sure what you expected.
It's a shame they voiced their thoughts but a lot of people would be thinking it..

Not sure what you want from this post OP, to understand why people can't just smile and say congratulations, is that right? I'd never say anything to your face but you'd probably be able to tell that my congratulations weren't sincere. And privately I'd be thinking what people have written here.

From my experience kids in large families don't have the best upbringings, whether it's as shallow as always looking scruffy and wearing hand me downs, to missing out on after school activities and being able to pursue independent interests, to the basics like not having a parent read to them, do homework with them or notice when they are struggling.

It very often seems to be a selfish choice on the part of the parents (why do you want five children OP, genuinely?) and a bit of a fuck you to the rest of the world and the actual kids lives.

I think sometimes it's jealousy - a lot of people would love to have more if they knew they had/ could give the resources required - but a lot of the time it's just plain disapproval for the reasons people have listed above

@JKScot4 we don't allow the sale of council housing now however the right to buy scheme was only stopped in Scotland a couple of years ago. Up until then, we sold off our council houses just like the rest of the UK. Which is a shame, as now, certainly in my own city, all the council houses in decent areas have been bought up and the only places that really come available to rent from the council are extremely deprived, crime ridden areas where no decent person would want to live.

The 5 year scheme that you talk of, do you know if this is solely council housing that is to be built or does this include housing association?

The OP clearly cannot afford a fifth child. Anyone paying half their salary in rent can’t. It is nothing to do with living in social housing. I just cannot fathom why anyone would have more children than they can afford.

I’ve only read the first page but you are definitely scrounging. If you had to pay proper rent on a normal house then no way you could afford a fifth, or probably even a fourth baby

The OP was wondering why people aren't very overtly happy for her. I don't think it's mean spirited to tell her why. She's brought 5 children into this world that if they follow in their parents trajectory will be fairly fucked really as there isn't enough social housing for everyone or even anywhere close to it. If the parents don't have the money to help out their own kids then state will which means the taxpayer will and no I'm not even remotely a Tory voter. But that doesn't mean I think it's irresponsible to bring 5 children into this world full stop never mind when you don't have any cushion to offer them financially.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP. I'm sorry that your friends and family have been rude enough to say what they actually think. Given that your baby is already on the way, they really should have just kept quiet.

The number of children that we have is a very individual choice that we all make for our own families. It's true that a lot of people will disapprove of big families, for a variety of different reasons. Personally, I don't think large families are good for environmental reasons. Others may feel it's inappropriate to have more children if people are relying on tax credits/uc to fund their choices. Others might worry about the impact on existing children. It doesn't actually matter what any of us think. There is no law against you having as many kids as you like, and you don't need other people's approval to be happy.

@Mlou32
The 35,000 houses are social housing which covers council and housing associations.
Yes, we did previously allow buying but fortunately that was stopped and the stock is being replaced.
I’ll PM a link to you about it.

Scotland is part of the uk but a smallish part. 55 million people are in England so what happens in Scotland isn’t relevant to the majority. However the sale of social housing needs to stop. The discounts are huge (although less than they were) and the money raised cannot possibly be enough build new homes in the same location. Councils have only just been allowed to build again anyway and most don’t. The housing stock has been decimated and ex council houses are now owned by private landlords and rented out for triple the council rate. The practice of selling needs to stop and renting should be reviewed every 5 years. I think there are countless older single people in family homes. I’m not sure my family member is that rare either. I think there are very decent wage earners in social housing and have had it, like the op, for many years. They simply never move out.

what happens in Scotland isn’t relevant to the majority
I keep forgetting MN is exclusive to London🙄
I’m using Scotland to demonstrate how social housing can be built to replace the sold off stock, what is your glorious London Tories doing to ease the 1m+ waiting list?
Their 5 year promise to build 200,000 start up homes and not one house built.

55 million don't live in London! I really don’t know why you think everyone supports the record of the Conservatives in government and their housing policy? You seem to have made a lot of inaccurate assumptions. I actually agreed with you that selling off houses should stop and there has been reports published that show this. It doesn’t mean anyone thinks housing policy is great in England but the numbers putting up with the mess are 11 times bigger than those in Scotland!

If I worked now it’d cost the government a LOT for helping with childcare so it’s not that I’m costing ‘the taxpayer’ money

So you admit that whether you work or not, your choice to have so many kids is costing 'the taxpayer' money? 🤔

I’m aware of the population spread fgs
My point is that Scotland are trying to alleviate the housing crisis whereas England are not.
I’m infuriated by the nastiness towards SH on MN, it’s ignorant and unneccessary.

I was one of five, in a poor family.
I wouldn't repeat it for my dc.
I wouldn't say anything to your face but I don't think it actually it is great for dc when they are growing up.

Your friends and family see your everyday life, they know how you live, your money issues, etc, maybe they weren't trying to be rude about the new pregnancy, maybe they were trying to express their concerns but didn't know how without upsetting you so they fumbled it?

As one of five I also wouldn't want that for my dc.

It was awful, as an older one you are forced into a babysitting role and very quickly lose any proper one on one time.

It wasn't parenting, it was crowd management.

I managed to do well in life but it was hard and if it was today I probably would not have been able to.

Why did you want a 5th if it's already hard budgeting and meal planning?

I only have 1 and get the occasional comment about that so I get feeling defensive.

@JKScot4 - how would you know if my life has been limited or not given my upbringing? Maybe you lack perspective given you say you are still living in social housing? Maybe your horizons and those of your children have never been widened.

I want the best for my children and their children and I’m determined that they will have better opportunities than I did. I was able to make the most of my opportunities but my siblings didn’t. Life is not a level playing field and a children from family living in social Housing in a large family are going to be at a disadvantage throughout their whole life. I know because that is me. It will not be my dds tho.

As for “people earning six figure salaries and sending little Felix to independent school”, they’re the ones paying for your share of public services (you need to be at least a higher rate taxpayer to pay for yourself). It’s lucky for you we have them or you would be struggling much more.