Can we afford to be together

[Spinningteapots]

Me and dp are looking towards a future together. We are both single parents, 9 of us in total (dp 5 kids, me 2 kids). Currently we live apart in different city's and we would love to be together.

The problem is I don't think the maths would add up to make this possible. Mainly I think due to a big inballence in earnings and costs. The problems I see are:

Dp is unemployed and no real prospect of anything more than a min wage job. Dp is heavily reliant on state benifits to fund dp's 5 children. I earn just over 50k so intitiatlled to nothing but I only have to fund 2 kids. We are comfortable and I like what I can provide my kids. If I'm correct if we lived together because of my earnings do will lose most of the benifits including all child maintenance? Now funding 2 kids on 50k without any state support is fine but funding 7 would without state support would have a big impact on the quality of life for my to kids. Simply if we lived together as a collective we would lose £1000s in state support but still have 7 kids to support.

And then there is accomadation. Currently I own a 3 bed house and dp rents a 4 bed house. So if we were together do will lose the housing benefit yet we would have to afford a house big enough for all of us. Whether that's buying a bigger house or extending my house (I have land at the side of my end terrest) it's going to cost a lot more a month.

Transportation is also a problem. Dp don't drive and I just have a small 5 seat family car. Plus even if dp did drive the cost of funding another veichle is a problem.

Simply (in a cold facts and figures way) to live together with dp and her kids will cost way more than what do can bring in terms of income. Despite good earning I'm not sure if I have the financial power to absorb the extra costs of dp and her 5 kids. I hate to be pessimistic but I just can't see the maths adding up. Have I assessed this right, is it possible work?

I agree with the pp suggestion, see whether she can rent a place near to you. Plenty of time to live together when the DC/some of the DC have moved out. From my perspective as a single parent, I would find it incredibly difficult to move from having control of my finances to being reliant on someone else. Has she considered this, have you discussed it with her? Also have you run a benefit calculation? With 5 DC she still might be entitled to something.

I don’t think I’d move in with 5 children even if the finances worked. Could she move nearer and see more of you? How old are the children?

I don’t think it would work, and you certainly wouldn’t be the first to find yourself in that position. I have friends that have 8 dc between them, they have to live separately for reasons of space and finances. They do own a 7 seat car between them though and do joint holidays.

I think you are on different pages in regard to life. You have the number of children you can afford, work hard and provide a stable lifestyle. Your partner has no job and five children. She has no regard to whether she can afford to keep adding children to the mix. I wouldn't give up my independence and security for that.

Don’t move in together. It wouldn’t be fair to your own children.

...and despite what has been said upthread she may well be a catch in RL. Poor woman is getting a slating based on 3 facts, she doesn’t work, doesn’t drive and is a LP with 5 DC. Jeeze.

Don’t do it OP! Think about your own children, they are your priority. This would completely shatter their world. Finances aside (which would be incredibly difficult and would impact their standard of life hugely), think about moving them in with 6 new people??! How much time and attention would you have for them with a new partner plus 5 new kids to deal with. It just sounds monumentally terrible decision making. You sound like you have your shut together - good for you!! Enjoy it and allow your kids to benefit from it too!

How long have you been together? Could you try her moving closer and just spending weekends together? Your situation sounds like it will be complicated so I’d be inclined to delay living together right now.

No i think it would totally change the dynamics between you because you would become financially responsible for all of them. Could you move closer, like same town?
I think youll both be financially worse off living together and it would be far too disruptive for the children to change this for all the reasons you pointed out and more

How long have you been together and how old are the kids? How well do they get on?

Agree that her moving nearer to you or you buying nearer to her seems the best middle ground but the disparity in money is always going to be an issue so I think you need to decide now if you're happy to balance it out. Family day at Alston Towers - go halves, pay for your own or you pay? Holiday to Tenerife - pay for your own, go halves or you pay? All these things need to be considered if you're merging lives and it isn't fair on her or her kids to actually never be able to afford to do what you want to do and your kids never want to do what she can afforx

That's too many people in one house. For that reason alone, I'd say no.

Due to finances, I'd say "hell no"

Don’t do it. Your own kids have to be your priority. If your DP moves in it will destroy your kids quality of life.

I'd go for the renting nearer each other but not living together. Apart from anything else, 7 kids in one house sounds like hell on earth!

So really you would be supporting 6 other people including 5 unrelated children if you took on DP and her DC. Absolutely no way I would be happy to do that, it sounds like a recipe for resentment and disaster.

Why can DP not work 9-3 while the DC are in school? And start retraining in something that would enable them to earn more than minimum wage?

Not at all fair on your two.

Date, spend time together, she can move closer if she wants to, don’t combine finances, don’t take on 5 kids and a non-working adult.

You sound nice but don’t be daft. Your responsibility is to your own children.

God no. Don't do it. Put your kids first and stay living separately with separate finances. I think you'd end up massively stressed about money and your lifestyle and that of your children would change for the worse.

If the relationship has legs you can move in together further down the line when the children are grown up

OMG, just imagine 7 kids in one small house!? Two of them unrelated to the other five! They'd feel invaded, overcrowded, and what happens if they don't get on? It'd be WW3! That's apart from the fact that you'd be supporting this family! Tell her she could maybe do a house swap so they live nearer you, and then when the kids are grown up, and if you're still together, you could live together then?

Nice one mumsnet, all the sarasctic posts about the DP being a catch So because someone’s on benefits that somehow means they’re worth less than someone who’s working? She’s a single mother to 5 children. You have none of the backstory. She or the D.C. could be disabled/very young/no support from the father/escaped an abusive relationship. So nice to see so many of you thinking single Mumsnet on benefits on trash.

OP - you’d need a seriously big house for that many kids. I assume most have their own rooms at the moment too? Making them share probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

I’d suggest she move closer to you, if possible.

How much time have you all spent together?

The partner is a single mother, on benefits, no car, with no likelihood of having a job any time in the near future. I assume they all live full time with her? Does she receive any CMS from the father(s)? Do they visit their father(s)? What custody do you actually have of your two? EOW or more? Would you even be able to move to the same town? Personally- I probably wouldn't combine. If her kids are there more than yours- you will end up having to fund them, and the kids will be sharing rooms. She will reduce benefits and you will be expected to pick up the financial burden. I personally would t want to do this. Any reason she can't start looking for work as well?

Not judging- but for to the way the OP has posted many seem to have missed that the DP is she and is assuming they are male.

@SD1978 the OP specifically referred to the partner as she. I haven't seen anyone assuming OP is a he though.

I can see the finances working out together. Maybe if she had one or two kids maybe but not 5. From what I can tell once you hit the 50k the benifits stop. Which is completely fine for 3 or 4 kids but for 7 kids even 50k would be a stretch. Plus I love my kids and want to provide the best for them. Luckily my earnings help a lot with this, I wouldn t want impact on their quality of life. But I do love dp and want to be with them. Plus it's really hard to see someone you love struggle so much, especially when you have a comparatively comfortable life.

I am disappointed that some on here have been so judgment with out even knowing dp. Calling dp a 'a dead beat' and sacasticly 'a real catch'. Dp is the most beautiful, amazing and strongest person I have ever met. Just for context dp was married when she had the children, working and together her and ex provided a comfortable life. She never intended to live on the state, be unemployed or skint. She hates having to rely on me. She wants to work. She was dismissed from her old job unfairly (her boss tried to abuse his power over her, she would not take his advances and it made it impossible to work there). Her kids and the daily shit she has in her life is a full time job. Children who have run away, self harm, autistic and have been groomed and assaulted. Her kids have a lot of problems. Mixed with an abusive ex made her believe she's worthless, the kids feel their worthless and who actively goes out his way to make life hard for her. Mix that with no recent employment record, not able to get a reference from last employer and the conciquences of a mistake when she was younger, plus the current job market, working round the kids and no education, she hardly going to walk into a great job. She has been ground down over her life to feel she is worthless and is totally worn down. She is not a 'deadbeat', she is an amazing and smart woman who has had a shit life (seriously other stuff I won't go into). I see her worth, she is amazing and one day when she see's her value she could do and be amazing things. She is so strong and has been through so much that would have made a normal person break.

Anyway rant over, the fact of the matter is she has 5 kids, not a pot to piss in and little chance of that changing soon. I hate seeing her struggle daily. I hate her kids have not got what mine have. I hate being apart from her. But I want to give my child the best and when I look at it the cold reality is provide that for mine and hers. It really saddens me because dispite their problems she has great kids who have so much potential if given the right opportunities. I simple cant support 5 more children. I could support her, one or to more maybe but not 5. She has too many. So the only choice I can see is staying seperate untill the kids have grown up and out the house. Which is depressing because that won't be for 10-20 years maybe.

I did like the idea that someone said about her moving and renting closer to me. Then we would be able to see each other a lot more (I don't get much of a weekend with her as I work most). And be able to physically help each other more that would increase our quality of life. The only trouble is she rents her 4 bed at a cheap price. The city I live in rents are far higher and she can't afford the rend on a 3 bed here let alone the 4 bed she needs.

On the plus side her kids are older and as they get older she'll hopefully have more time to go out and work when the kids are less dependant. She starts a part time job (within school hrs) on Monday. It's not much (and certainly not enough for us to blend families) but it'll be about £150 a week more for her, which will help.

So is there any way moving in together could work, bar her getting a 50k+ job (that ain't going to happen)?

OP you sound amazing. I left my ex after years of abuse of all forms resulting in 3 children and the judgment on here is exactly why I won't enter the dating world ever again.

Don't move in together, NEITHER of your lives will get any better. She would be losing a lot of income and after an abusive relationship losing that control may be too difficult. Definitely try and move closer and maybe look at yearly breaks away with all the kids if affordable.

If she was looking to make money off of the OP this would be a stupid way of doing it, she'd lose so much!

And no, there's no way at the moment without both of you really struggling I'm afraid. It's crap but both of your children would suffer, as would both adults

Before you dismiss benefits, have a look on the website 'entitled to' here just to check that you wouldn't be eligible for anything at all.

Is your DP on the local housing register? That would possibly lower her rent and after a while she may be able to home swap nearer to you.

I guess your other option is to sell up and move away somewhere much cheaper...