Can we afford to be together

[Spinningteapots]

Me and dp are looking towards a future together. We are both single parents, 9 of us in total (dp 5 kids, me 2 kids). Currently we live apart in different city's and we would love to be together.

The problem is I don't think the maths would add up to make this possible. Mainly I think due to a big inballence in earnings and costs. The problems I see are:

Dp is unemployed and no real prospect of anything more than a min wage job. Dp is heavily reliant on state benifits to fund dp's 5 children. I earn just over 50k so intitiatlled to nothing but I only have to fund 2 kids. We are comfortable and I like what I can provide my kids. If I'm correct if we lived together because of my earnings do will lose most of the benifits including all child maintenance? Now funding 2 kids on 50k without any state support is fine but funding 7 would without state support would have a big impact on the quality of life for my to kids. Simply if we lived together as a collective we would lose £1000s in state support but still have 7 kids to support.

And then there is accomadation. Currently I own a 3 bed house and dp rents a 4 bed house. So if we were together do will lose the housing benefit yet we would have to afford a house big enough for all of us. Whether that's buying a bigger house or extending my house (I have land at the side of my end terrest) it's going to cost a lot more a month.

Transportation is also a problem. Dp don't drive and I just have a small 5 seat family car. Plus even if dp did drive the cost of funding another veichle is a problem.

Simply (in a cold facts and figures way) to live together with dp and her kids will cost way more than what do can bring in terms of income. Despite good earning I'm not sure if I have the financial power to absorb the extra costs of dp and her 5 kids. I hate to be pessimistic but I just can't see the maths adding up. Have I assessed this right, is it possible work?

I think you need to tread very carefully.

If she is eligible for full/partial housing benefit moving nearer you may not cost her that much more. The rent ceilings may be more generous in your area because rents are generally higher. Certainly worth checking with the local housing office.

You may need to help with rent deposits etc but you know that is a one off cost.

OP you would be mad to mess with investments to give your OH a leg up. In 15 years when her kids have left home and you get married then sure, she can have her name on the deeds but to suggest that you will sell the investment that you said yourself was for YOUR kids, to fund them and then sign part over to her......no, just no. Also, its morally (and possibly legally) questionable to use benefits to pay for a house that you will part own one day. And housing benefit often is not payable if you are related to, or in a relationship with the home owner.

I also have some concerns that you are being the saviour in this relationship. I too know what it's like to be a single parent, a large family, live on a bad housing estate, have an abusive ex, an autistic kid and a n eldest child that has bad anxiety. But I did not stay like that, I made changes within my life. It took me 16 years through awful health issues but I got my degree and then a masters. I am hoping to do my PhD. I live in a better house now, have a future......but I earned it all myself. I did not expect it to be handed to me, or wait for a rescuer to wave a magic wand and fix it for me. That would be grossly unfair.

Also, If I found out that my parents had given what they said was my inheritance to another family, so a booty call was around the corner, I would be a bit pissed.

What if I sold it and used the equity on a deposit for a house near me? Then rented that house out to dp. Then dp would have a house near me, I would continue to to have a property investment (for my kids future) and I would know I had good tenants

How is she going to pay the rent? Because you can't get housing benefit to pay your girlfriend with. And if you split up, what then? You evict her?

I hope you really have forgotten about the idea of all moving intogether, it would be so disastrous for your children I can't understand why you would even contemplate it for a minute.

harsh, but moving in together seems very unlikely to be in the best interests of your DC.

Your girlfriend (not DP, you have no joint commitments at present) has a large family she sadly can’t afford, and you can’t afford to support either.

Why the hell would you consider moving in with a freeloader?
You earn well and own a home and have only 2 kids.
Find yourself someone decent who will contribute to life
Did you get the caravan sorted

Why the hell would you consider moving in with a freeloader?
OP has already said she's currently out of work because of hers and the kids situations and she's about to start part time. How is she a free loader??

Because she'll be living from OP.
I just think that OP needs to consider her kids here. She has no idea if they 'adore' the partner, that's just OP's feeling. Her kids are that young they aren't even able to determine how you like or don't like someone.
The woman may be nice but with 5 kids she will have 'a pot to piss in' even on benefits-so I hope OP realises having to subsidise her is unnecessary, unless for a highly expensive lifestyle. But her life sounds utterly chaotic, and the kids all having problems will rub off on OP's kids eventually. It's equivalent to sending your child to a school with a high proportion of kids with behaviour problems etc-those are the schools ofsted give low ratings to for a reason.
Except those influences won't be just for a few hours each day, but all the time.
Op is in a v strong position with her kids, who have a bright future. I would not risk that-my kids' future- in a million years just so she can have a relationship with someone who no doubt is lovely, but who will bring her down inevitably.
I say this as someone who has had similar issues, but overcame them. The woman needs to focus on herself, and OP needs to examine herself and see what it is in her which is making her want to rescue someone so badly that she would buy a property and rent it to her. Potentially getting into trouble, because it isn't allowed.

I don't disagree with being mindful of all the kids welfares etc. But that still doesn't make her a freeloader for being on benefits. Which is what you call her now. She's about to start work, there's no reason to suggest that won't be easier with the support of a partner etc. Amanda given OP's kids ages that she wouldn't as the SAHP be balancing it out by taking on childcare for the youngest, school run/wrap around for the older one, saving OP god knows how much.

I'm still not saying they should Co habit or that the house buying is a good idea, simply that being on benefits so she is hpme for her kids who need her doesn't make her a freeloader.

And I'm not even biting at the older potential step-siblings with ASD being a corruptible influence on OP's kids

Op is subsidising her, she is offering nothing back-thats freeloading. She may not having anything to contribute, but she certainly can afford not to take.
It is concerning that Op, who has worked hard to secure her and her childrens life, is considering risking this for someone who yes is a victim of a bad life (but lots of us are) but who will do nothing but bring down op. There is nothing for her to offer op. In time, the inbalance will cause resentmwnt.
I would not want my children in this situation. I would keep it very casual until the situation is more equal and level. I certainly wouldnt risk my investments by bringing them into the relationship.

I dont think recieving benefits os freeloading. Im saying op thinks they are very very poor. I think she may be naive, that is all.

Op is subsidising her, she is offering nothing back-thats freeloading well we have no idea what non material / monetary things she brings into OP's life do we?
Like I said, if they lived closer and DP was providing childcare etc then that would save OP money, time and possibly heartache. No its not cold hard cash but that isn't everything.

So far DP lives and manages her own home, and pays to see OP. It's ridiculous to state categorically that she is somehow reyond helpor redemption, destined only to bring OP down. We have no idea what change being in a secure relationship with someone to share the emotional load, getting back into work etc will make to DP and the kids lives.

Again. Not saying OP should move her in or buy her a house. But your whole attitude of she's not good enough for you op, she'll just drag you into the gutter with you is ridiculous

Actually I said it was possible to help your own situation. I never once said she was beyond help. But this can not be done through the relationship with op, because if the relationship ends, she will go back to the same situation. If that effort is made then good. If not the only one trying will be the op, which isnt possible indefinitely and will build resentment. Obviously OP cannot know this yet, so it is unwise to risk her otherwise stable finances on the situation. Like I said, the dp needs to take charge of her own life. That isnt saying she is useless or beyond help. Far from it.
Of course it would help with childcare but it sounds that she is struggling enough with her own brood to support someone else's. Re the behaviour comments I had missed the mention of ASD. However I know biological parents who do not have more children due to the needs of that child and the inability to care for another child. That is why the op needs to consider the impact on her own children. It does very much seem she is giving her all to support them all, and i wonder why.

Because they love each other??

And the DP is helping themselves. She left a shot relationship. She is trying to do her best to give the kids love and stability. She's got a job.

Fwiw if I was DP's friend I wouldn't advocate her uprooting the kids to live at the whims of her partner

She is no free loader, she never has been. She has never asked anything of me. She gone on with life before she met me and if we haven't have met she'd still go on. When she had 5 kids she was married, both working and money was good. She had no idea things would end this was. She ended up a single mum of five kids, out of work, with an abusive ex who still actively try's to make her life worse, avoids his child maintenance and a range of other problems and issues. Honestly you don't know the half of what has happened to her and her girls. She works her nuts off trying to keep everything moving and looking after those kids. Now she is starting a PT job and getting her life back together. That is nothing to do with me, that is her. Honestly I don't know how she has been strong enough to pull though half the shit she's been through. She has my complete and upmost respect. I know she is the woman who I want to fight in my corner with me and I am proud to be with her. I see qualities in her that are worth more than gold. Qualities that shadow the lack of material and financial things she has to offer me. So when people say your doing really well why do you want to be with a woman on the poverty line? The above, that's why.

And her kids are good kids. They have their problems, that's not surprising with what they have been through. Mainly a lack of self worth and low self esteem. But they also have their mums qualities in them and their own individual brilliance. Also a couple of the are incredibly talented. They are not feral beasts and have so much potential.

So she has nothing to offer materialistically or financially, does that mean that mean I shouldn't be with her or stride to make a life with her? If your respective partners or husbands were broke tomorrow would you leave them because they no longer offer material or financial offerings? Surely a relationships value is more than just money? What she fails to offer extra in money I get back ten fold in Love, support, friendship, practical help, emotional strength. With the added bonus that I know one day she will be back to strength and earning. She may not be my financial equal but she is more than my equal as a strong, intelligent and loving human being. What is wrong with wanting to share some of fruits of the good life I have made with the woman I love? People who know me know I would never see my children miss out, so you need not worry there. I have done well for my self and I would not spend money on a woman I did not have complete faith in. She does not want me to support her, that's her job. But what's wrong with me trying to make her life that little more better and wanting to build a future for both of us? Is that not what loving couples go forward to do?

Basically I love that woman. We have been through a lot over the last year and it has been hard. On paper I should have run away from her problems, found someone with a comfortable well off life.

But through it all I have seen what she is made of and how amazing she is. I would be a complete fool to let go of her. I see her potential and when she is built back up from these hardships I know together we can have the world. So hopefully you can understand why it is hard for us to see each other once or twice a week and why I want her close?

Totally understand op. Was only concerned for you is all. You seem very sure and she sounds lovely. Best of luck (and butlins do apartments next door to each other for group bookings, and they do food).

Op you sound lovely, your DP sounds very lucky to have someone so supportive in her corner.

It’s a difficult one..: but maybe you just need to take a leap of faith?

Her ex will still have to pay child maintenance, he sounds like a bit of an avoider so that might be difficult. However all other benefits she previously got she would no longer be entitled too. So it would just be your wage and her part time wage.

I think realistically sit down and write down your collective household outgoings....include everything.
Think of Christmas birthdays, can you budget for all these?

As the children all get older can she increase her hours at all? Is there chance for money to improve?

She may well be brilliant, but it still doesn’t seem to be at all in either of your DCs’ interests to live together.

Blended families are hard enough: this one would be very large, adding to and making it difficult for you to give your DC adequate time and attention. One family would have to move to a different town / city, and money and physical space would be massive challenges.

And no, I don’t see that your desire to “have her close” outweighs any of that.

House wise.. yes a problem- extending it would bring value to your home but up the mortgage payments. You could rent yours out? And then rent a bigger place together. That comes with cost too.

Vehicles- yes a problem... but be resourceful, buses? You must all go out together now? How do you do it?!! Continue the way you do it now!

It’s not all doom and gloom, if you love her.. which given the lovely words above you’ve said you clearly do then it’s possible.

You would still get child benefit which alone would be around £100 a week for so many children.

Not if OP, in future, earned above the threshold, which I think is something like £60k

Even if your partner was rich and contributed her fair share I think moving in sounds like a shit idea. There's just too many people.

If you're still together when the kids are grown, do it then.

This rings alarm bells. It takes me back a few years. We didn't have kids granted but I drove a brand new car, I owned my own house, I had a good job my ex he was unemployed, lived with his parents, didn't drive etc and he literally bled me dry. He took everything I had worked so so hard for. I started to resent him as well as I was working my arse off running my house whilst he sat at home with his feet up. Babe you are at an age where you should be enjoying life not having to drop your standards and support another 6 people!

If she claims housing benefit to pay rent on a house you own it’s fraud and she could end up in jail.

This is not an option.