Can we afford to be together

[Spinningteapots]

Me and dp are looking towards a future together. We are both single parents, 9 of us in total (dp 5 kids, me 2 kids). Currently we live apart in different city's and we would love to be together.

The problem is I don't think the maths would add up to make this possible. Mainly I think due to a big inballence in earnings and costs. The problems I see are:

Dp is unemployed and no real prospect of anything more than a min wage job. Dp is heavily reliant on state benifits to fund dp's 5 children. I earn just over 50k so intitiatlled to nothing but I only have to fund 2 kids. We are comfortable and I like what I can provide my kids. If I'm correct if we lived together because of my earnings do will lose most of the benifits including all child maintenance? Now funding 2 kids on 50k without any state support is fine but funding 7 would without state support would have a big impact on the quality of life for my to kids. Simply if we lived together as a collective we would lose £1000s in state support but still have 7 kids to support.

And then there is accomadation. Currently I own a 3 bed house and dp rents a 4 bed house. So if we were together do will lose the housing benefit yet we would have to afford a house big enough for all of us. Whether that's buying a bigger house or extending my house (I have land at the side of my end terrest) it's going to cost a lot more a month.

Transportation is also a problem. Dp don't drive and I just have a small 5 seat family car. Plus even if dp did drive the cost of funding another veichle is a problem.

Simply (in a cold facts and figures way) to live together with dp and her kids will cost way more than what do can bring in terms of income. Despite good earning I'm not sure if I have the financial power to absorb the extra costs of dp and her 5 kids. I hate to be pessimistic but I just can't see the maths adding up. Have I assessed this right, is it possible work?

@Sunflowerr- many PP's seemed to think the DP was male- and say so in their replies. I actually assumed the OP is female (not that it makes a difference) due to the deliberately very neutral language used.

It’s really tough but if the quality of your children’s lives will be negatively affected then I think you need to wait a few years. Really sorry OP it sucks it does.

If I were you I would wait a while.

I am the oldest out of 6. My mam was a single parent from me being 17, the youngest 6. After about 5 years she met someone else. But because of the fact she had 4 kids still at home and he had 2 still at home she waited until the youngest (11 when they met) was more or less independent, which was about 6 years later. She kept her own (rented) property, used to go to her partners place from 6pm til 11pm, then come home to make sure dsis was up for college etc. She married him when dsis was 19, but continued to rent the house until dsis was ready to move out. Then rented a place with her dh.

I would wait until your dcs are 18 at least. Your dps dcs sound as though they are hard work. Probably not their fault but don't underestimate the impact just 1 child with issues can cause to a family unit.

What are the ages of all of your children?

I would probably suggest her moving closer if she rents as easier to change rental home. That way its easier to be together compared to separate cities.

If several children are already teenagers then look to review the situation in say 5 years time when a few may have already flown the nest.

If your partner's children are very young, hence the difficulty to work full time and childcare for 5 children, then the situation may have changed considerably in 5 years time once all are at school, or old enough to not need childcare.

i think you could have a really good relationship if you just moved closer. Do a sort of LAT relationship. It only has to be for a few years maybe with a view to reassessing later down the line when kids are older. She is entitled to the money she gets now and it gives her some independence after being left in the lurch with those kids. If you are under financial pressre t support 6 other people on your wage it isnt going to go far, and that could add more pressure to both of your lives, rather than taking pressure off hers.

living together is a nice dream, but theres far too many children involved here and far too much potential for a blended family to not work.

I think you need to do the costs fully.

New mortgage on bigger house, how much? Cost of food, clothes etc for her kids. Increased costs of going out, holiday etc.

Could she save you anything on childcare? Travel?

If she moved here cos you subsidise the extra rent?

If you only see each other short weekends thoughhow well do you know each others kids, or they each other? That's a bigger consideration than money and love imo

Thank you everyone for you help and advise everyone (once some people stopped assuming dp was a deadbeat). I hate to think of us having to wait to be together. But the practicalities and finances simply don't work. So marriage is totally out of the question. Our need to provide for the kids trumps romance. Reality is a bitch some times.

The ages of the children are hers 10, 12, 14, 16, 17 and mine 3, 6. They all get on great and my kids adore dp. We are both mid 30s.

Now as to the living closer together I was a bit too dismissive of it earlier. I am not going to move out of my house. Its a lovely house that I intend to spend the rest of my life in. Its my dream home, got it at a good price and the location is perfect. The house dp rents she would be happy to move from, a lot of bad memories. The trouble is she cant afford to move near to me. I don't live in a particularly expensive area but shed still need an extra £200 - £300 a month for a 4 bed on top of what she pays for hers. However thinking about it more its definitely more achievable and less stressful than us all living together. It would save the £150ish a month we spend between us in fuel/bus fare. I would mean we could both just nip round for a cup of tea and a cuddle when we want (without a 45 min drive). Plus it means that when the kids all eventually grow up and move out (kids do still move out these days?) we wont be left with an overly large house with too many rooms in our old age. So between us there could be away to do it. Its so rubbish not seeing each other much because I have very little free time and the traveling distance really affects the opportunities we get. Plus if we all lived near each other we would be better able to support each others households which would be beneficial to both of us.

After all it wont always be like this. Her kids will get older and more independent. Hopefully her home life will be come more stable too. Then she maybe able to work full time. Then if she can start to she what I see about her who knows what she can achieve? She really is a smart, intelligent and brilliant woman. Plus so strong. If only she could see this about her self, I know others will see it too. So the future may put her in a stronger position.

Thank you also for the stories of other couples that have successfully lived apart. Its very encouraging to hear.

Or I could win the lottery. But this is problematic as I don't play.

OP from the ages of her dc I think it won’t be an issue too much longer. At least a few will fly the nest. For now I think just try and make the best of it. If you love her she is worth waiting for.

She is worth waiting for, we have our whole lives ahead. I just don't see any of the kids leaving the nest soon, apart from second oldest. Ironicly I see the oldest being the last one to leave the nest. She has MH issuses, low confidence and crushing anxiety. Which is a shame because she is very artistically gifted. Plus with how hard it is for young people to be able to afford to move out (especially onces with a deprived background and not much hope of more than a min wage flexible job). So I don't see despite some of them being teenagers a cut in numbers in the next 5 years.

I think part of me hates that her life is so hard. I just wish I could do more to makes things better. It is hard seeing the person you love struggle and have to deal with so much shit daily. I just wish I could take her away from it. It just feels strange that I will be able to offer my kids so much more and give them so much more opportunities than her kids. I wish I could do more for her kids too but there is just too many of them to help financially (I do give them/their mum money now and then to help out). But I do help them out and spend time with them where I can. It just all seems so unfair.

Could you chip in towards her extra rent as you'd be saving money on travel?

Still gutted by the realisation we won't be able to live together untill the kids or most of the kids move out.

But I've just had (what I think is a great idea). I have a property I rent out up North. It's ironicly a 5 bed, but too far away and it's value is about the price of a 2 bed in my part of the country. But I currently have about £30k equity now and will be about 40k in about 5 years time. What if I sold it and used the equity on a deposit for a house near me? Then rented that house out to dp. Then dp would have a house near me, I would continue to to have a property investment (for my kids future) and I would know I had good tenants. Plus in the future if dp' s financial situation picks ups she may be able to invest in a half share of the house or something like that. So then she will have the chance of building up her own capital and something to leave her children. It would be nice for her to have something of worth she can call her own.

Also once the kids have moved out and she moves in with me we could sell it and enjoy the capital/help the kids or keep renting it.

Fucking hell NO NO NO.

I would never ever mix being a partner and a landlord. Ever.

Im really concerned that your urge to give is so strong but your belief that you yourself are not enough to give is equally strong. You are already giving love, time, support, space, sex, romance? Does she actually want more than that? Don't force her to take more stuff and then resent her for it. Be in the moment abd enjoy her as a person.

Do you really think it's fair to uproot her kids from their schools and friends for your own convenience? You're talking about it very flippantly considering a move would no doubt have a huge impact on her kids.

Op I’ve just skimmed through (child with autism here getting into everything!) but I noticed you say your dp has a child with autism. This changes things benefit wise. She can claim dla (disabled living allowance- if she isn’t already, use the cerebra dla guide, google it) and it changes the threshold for tax credits. You also get a disability element top up on tax credits. To give you some idea- my dh works full time, ds is on high rate dla which works out £420 a month, we get an extra £100 a week disability tax credits on top of our usual £100 a week tax credits. Make sure you or she looks into this if she hasn’t already. And family fund charity provide grants for Haven breaks and holidays (£500 a year) which means we can go away on a break. Makes a huge difference to us as a family.

Oh and carers allowance of £64 a week as well.

You sound really kind OP, but I wonder whether you are taking on the role of rescuer in this relationship.

Not much to add here op but just want to say you sound brilliant and the love for your partner shines out of your posts. You are very lucky to have each other and if it's meant to be, it will be, regardless of location/finances etc.

I truly believe that.

For the short term I think that your dp moving closer to you ( and you maybe helping with the increase in rent? Saves on petrol etc ) would be a good idea.

With more local support she may find it easier to get a job with better prospects and you will be more of a family this way.

Whatever happens though I wish you the best of luck

OP I d

^ Woops pressed send

OP I don't think you should become their LL. it may change the positive dynamics of your relationship. Also if you ever broke up how would you feel about being her LL. if her financial circumstances don't change then you may feel unwilling to make economic decisions such as increasing rent in line with cost of living

In order to protect her and the benefits she and her family are entitled to, you should not move in together, or rent a property of yours to her. I would be suspicious of DP who suggested this. MN often discusses women who have given up everything to be with their partner, no marriage (for whatever reason) and then when it breaks down, they have less than nothing. If you feel bad for DP now OP, what if you were to all move in and six months down the line, it's not working? Then she's homeless and how bad will you feel then? It's more respectful to her and her situation to live apart and spend quality time together. Get to know her older kids perhaps, be a mentor - there's loads you can do to express your love for this woman and her family.

I’m afraid if I was her friend I’d say she was mad to drop her life, uproot her children and move to a house owned by you. Horribly vulnerable situation for her.

I think you seem to be really keen to be her saviour but it puts her purely at the mercy of your goodwill.

I'm not looking to save anyone. I don't want a dependant, I want a partner. In her I know I have this. Unfortunately for her situation is what it is. I love her dispite of this so to a certain extent her problems are mine as mine are hers. So because I want a strong, stable and indupendant partner it's in my interest to help build her up. I know she has so much potential.

I've not looked at it as putting her in a more vulnerable situation. If anything I want to help empower her and put her in a better more secure situation. That's why (As I said earlier) when she picks up her financial situation I want to legally sign over a share of that house so she start paying into and building up her own person capital and have something she can call her own. It's the only way I can see her every getting some property of her own. She'll be in her 40s by the time she can even start saving for a deposit. So with current property prices and her situation it's unlikely shed be ever able at her age to save a 20k deposit and start a 25-30 year mortgage. Also how is she going to be more vunrable with me than any other landlord? I would not see her and kids on the streets or not protect her interests, even if we split. A lot of landlords don't give a toss. I wouldn't see making decisions about the house as my LL decisions. To me this would be our property to decide together. There would be an issuse of upping rent, its not there for my personal profit. It would just be a case of meeting the houses cost. I would really only be her LL to ensure access to housing benifits and her other benifits as a single person since its impracticle for us to live together. And if she's getting money of the state surely it's better in our collective pocket than some faceless LL?

I have thought about her moving her kids. I know she wouldn't do anything that wasn't in the best interests of the kids. They are not happy in the current house. The neighbourhood is not a great enviroment for the kids. All her kids are girls and the attitudes and nature (especially towards women) of the area has already caused so much harm. But they are stuck there, she does not have the means to move. We have simular backgrounds, I grew up in poverty and on a bad estate. I know the damage living in an area like that can do. I definitely see them moving to a place like we're I live having a positive effect.

And I really see us both living near each other as advantageous to both of us. It's really depressing when you only get to see dp once or twice a week. I hate not being able to just be there physically for each other when we've had a bad day etc. Also the ability for our families to work as a collective gives us both exciting opportunities and better levels of support. Which would help me out and give her better opportunities to improve her life and career prospects.

I will check if she's looked into the extra benifits, that could help her a lot.

To add to the perspective of your situation
How long have you known DP
How long have you been in a relationship with DP ?