My Mum says i'm crazy to want a baby when my eldest child is 15 this year

[lovelymumof4]

I have four children whose ages are 7, 8, 11 and 14. I would love another baby but my mum says it would be silly of me. She says it would be ridiculous for me to have a baby when my eldest will be 15 this year. My Son is a really good lad, never gets in any trouble, just stays in his bedroom most of the time playing his Xbox. Mum says all that could change though, he might turn into an unruly teenager and so might my daughters. She says i would never cope with a baby/toddler and a houseful of naughty teenagers. Mum only had me so i'm an only child and i never was too keen on it. I always knew i wanted between 4-6 children. I know i would cope, although i realise it would be hard. I'm just so broody!! Thing is i'm almost 39 and me and husband have been trying for a baby for a year or so now, nothing happening. So not sure if my mum is saying all this to try and make me feel better as i'm struggling to conceive or if she really does mean all this stuff. Other people cope with large age gaps. It would be different this time also as i have a good husband who would help out unlike my children's father.

I think it's mostly other people trying to put ideas in our head about how lovely it would be for us to have a baby together. Funny though how these people either how no children or only one or two!! I need level-headed people to tell me what a big mistake another child would be and not listen to these fantasists!

Yes he is sending me mixed messages. I overheard him telling a friend of his a few weeks ago that he would like a child but i'm unable to. Then he's telling me no he doesn't but still wants to have unprotected sex 2 or 3 times a week.

Before me and my husband got together as a couple we were friends for about a year and used to have lots of long chats. He once told me that he wanted one day to get with a woman his own age, have 2 children with her by the time he reached his late 20s. He's that age now. However, when we got together as a couple he firmly told me that he never wanted a child with me as i already have 4.He said he was taking on my 4 after thinking long and hard about it, weighing up the pros and cons. He said 4 kids was enough and he still does. Having a 5th was never on his agenda. I just keep thinking back to what he said to me a few years ago though.

You two need a cards on table conversation about intentions,and mixed messages
Work out finances,practicalities and what each other really wants,and can cope with
And no unprotected sex til that discussion as you're both too ambivalent

OK, now you've said all that I am really siding with your mum. Your DH has been great to take on your four kids but that's a big financial commitment and there's clearly no room/no funds for any more. If it ain't broke don't fix it. Don't tempt fate and push for something which could turn everything sour.

As i say, i very much doubt i can have more children anyway, so that's not an issue. Just feel sad that i don't have that choice anymore. I keep telling myself that another child woulodn't be the right thing to do anyway, it would never work. Just wish i could get rid of my broodiness!

If you love babies and you are SAHM on a low income why don't you look into fostering babies, or child minding?

You do have to give them back eventually though.

Almost a 14yr age gap between my two kids wasn't planned just happened that way and I was 38 with my 2nd.

One of the positive in having big gap the teen is in no rush to make me a granny!

So stop having unprotected sex if you don't want another baby

I have considered fostering perhaps, but then my house isn't big enough and we live in a rented property.

Not sure what i want really. I love the idea of a baby and giving husband his own child but the reality i'm sure will be very different. I know i'd be so thrilled if i got pregnant but at the same time i would feel quite scared. Think it's probably my menopausal hormones kicking in.

Oh behave.youre overcrowded,son sleeps in dining room.its not suitable
You're increasingly coming across thoroughly unrealistic,wanting a baby,for him
Babies are ickle.then they quickly grow,go school,need fed,clothes.youre skint

Your mum is your parent and its her job to warn you. Shes probably going with the age gap rather than all the other disadvantages to ease it a little.

Your partner seems realistic in that you dont have the room or an income for another. Not sensible though given lack of contraception.

Your children may hate their half sibling, it will take most of the attention, may mean they cant do things and their step fathers attitude towards them could dramatically change. Its very rare to find a person that treats their own child and a non biological one the same.

What happens if the pressue is too much and you split? Could you financially provide for yourself and five children?

My mum says the same thing! Do your own thing not hers. I had 4dc with xh. When dh and I got married we wanted to have out own child too. Even though we both had dc. We did. My eldest was 13 at the time. We have dc of the following ages at home 15,14,13,11,7,2 and are ttc. Because actually I really want littlest to have a playmate. I have not told my dm we are ttc. It may not work anyway, but it's none of her business. She told me quite firmly last time I'd had enough. She even said dad says you really mustn't have any more! Dh and I are solid, financially comfortable, run our own business and don't rely in her to babysit. She does that about once a year for one child. So really don't care what she thinks.

Last time after ttc 18 mts after mc nobody was very congratulatory. But dh and I love him to pieces. He's such a confident little tot and thrives on being part of a large family.

Good luck with your choice

And I would add, I'm so pleased dh and I share a child together. He isn't favoured any more than the others but he's a part of both of us and it's brought our dc closer together. Having a sibling to link them altogether.

Just thought I'd add a friend of mine had 3dc with husband 1 then 3dc with husband 2. So 6 in all. 6 was an accident. But she had a 16 year gap top to bottom. No jealousy either and no issues re new husband not loving her dc as much either. But then those who haven't experienced step families may not understand that actually you tend to be far pickier when choosing a second husband and a step dad for your dc. IMO anyway.

I'm uncomfortable with this notion women need give stepdad their own biological child
Women aren't here to furnish stepdads with their own biological offspring so they've got one of their own
Obvious inference is,step kids are ok.but his own,well that's his own,better

I know a lady who has 4 kids with first husband and 3 kids with second husband. I do worry that if i had a fifth child my husband might leave, not sure how i would cope financially. I have acouple of friends who are pregnant at the moment with second and third children with new partners. It doesn't make it easy for me when i see them. I know they have less children than me but i still want a child with my new partner. I am so envious of them.

Why are you so desperate to have his child?do you think it cements marriage,make him stay?
He took on a ready established family of 4.now on day to day basis he is dad
You getting pg with his birth child doesn't make him more of a dad,it means you both have 5

I'm concerned about the preoccupation with giving him his own child

I don't consider I gave my dh a child. We wanted to have a child together. I actually think it has bonded our children all together. Why would the children dislike a new sibling? If you've been brought up together dc don't really see the concept of half siblings as any different.

I think the decision about finances and space is more of an issue. But that might be worked around.

Giving husband his own child is the op terminology.he is dad in daily basis to 4
Giving husband his own child well yes it implies that his own birth child is prefential
He's sending her mixed message,say no can't afford.but they have unprotected sex

I guess i worry he may leave one day for a woman who is fertile and able to give him children. But then lots of people have children and split up anyway.

You're very candid.and you must know a baby to keep him isn't good reason
He'll not be compelled to stay Whether or not you give him his own baby
Other women are younger,fertile but he doesn't necessarily want them.he want you

You seem to be insecure about age gap,and attempting to give him his own baby won't address that insecurity. You have clearly had a partner and kids before,you must know a baby doesn't make a man stay

Yeah i know, one of the reasons my children's dad left is because i got pregnant with number 4. It was never right with him though. My husband is the love of my life so would have been lovely to have had the bond of a child together. Some of the ladies on here have said it brings the siblings closer together, but i guess i'll never know. Maybe it's for the best.

Why do you think you need to please men by having their baby.a baby won't make him stay
Really,stop the unprotected sex.have frank conversation with dh.
Work on your esteem,and your unfounded worries