Do you ever want to scream when your friends with 2 DC moan about how hard it is?

[sweetkitty]

Have come in here for some tea and sympathy and have a little rant.

Most of my friends have 2DC some have 3, I have 4 (I know not a competition but still), a few friends in particular are always moaning about how much they have to do, how much washing they have, how much running about etc.

One friend in particular with 2DC is always going on about how hard it is, she told me 3 times today she was shipping her DC off to Grandmas for a few hours for a break. She's knows this is not an option for me (one gran dead, one gran abusive) so I feel she is being a bit insensitive going on about shipping DC off to Grandmas for some peace. She also harps on about how much washing and housework she has to do and I feel like screaming you have no idea.

Another friend with one school age DC goes on and on about the school run and how she hates Mondays as it is Rainbows day. I pick her DD for Rainbows (with my 4) and her hubby collects her so she doesn't have to do anything really apart from get her dinner and get her ready. Every bloody week she moans and moans knowing full well I take DD2 to Rainbows, hang about for an hour with 3DC then take DD1 to Brownies, luckily then I get to go home and my DP picks her up.

I know we made a choice to have 4DC knowing we would have sod all help but I'm constantly biting my tongue off with all it's so hard comments.

thanks for listening to my rant I'm the only one of my friends with 4DC so have noone to rant with!

Um...it's all relative really, isn't it?

Just because you have your problems doesn't mean other people cant talk about what's pissing them off.

I know you are in need of a bit of sympathy. But you seem to be unfairly cross with these friends. Maybe you just need to distance yourself from them for a bit.
Sometimes we all get narked. But as you said, you Chose to have 4 children, so complaining about it , doesn't seem fair.
Some things we have no control over. My illness and my sons diagnosis I did not chose, nor could have prevented or changed. But I chose to stick at 2. You chose to have 4.
Let these complaining friends go, for a bit, until thier comments don't nark so much.

Yes I get that completely I'm sure when I had two babies I thought it was hard work too. But I wouldn't have moaned and moaned to someone with four about how hard my life was IYSWIM

I know everything is relative.

I find with 4 that I complain less than people with 2 as if you complain say about the amount of washing you have people will say "well you chose to have 4 DC"

My friend came to stay with her 3 DCs (18 months, 4 and 6), and it was easier than with just my 2 (2 2/1 year old DTs). The older ones are a real help, a lot of the time.

We don't filter our emotions through the experiences of others. We are all entitled to our feelings and the mark of a good friend is one who listens and accepts what they are being told without comparison.

If you are getting nothing from these friendships then perhaps they're not friendships.

I do understand that you're letting off steam but your ire seems perhaps a little misdirected.

I have friends with no children. They have their own peculiar moans. I do not dismiss them because I have children. Life just doesn't work like that.

You sound cross. That's fine. Don't be cross with your friends though. Either distance yourself from their woes or sympathise and join in.

I think you hit the nail on the head with your last sentence - you need to find some friends in similar situations to your own otherwise you won't get support. Maybe it's time to stop doing this friend the favour with taking her daughter to Rainbows?

Rant away, you have every right to be jealous of people with grans and less washing, if you can't do it here where can you?!

I know I sound a bit unreasonable and yes I am just venting a bit hence I have put it in here on larger families as I say I'm the only one I know with 4 DC.

I sometimes think they are being a bit insensitive especially when they start all the grandparent moaning, like how much of a hassle it is taking time off work as a GP (and their childcare) has gone on holiday. Yes for them it is a real hassle I can understand that and I sympathise but part of me thinks at least you have grandparents.

Maybe some part of me is secretly jealous about the help and support they recieve I try not to dwell on it as there's nothing I can do about it.

I really don't mind taking my friends DD to Rainbows though, it's on my way I'm going there anyway, she doesn't drive and theres space in my car. But every week she brings her out and moans about Mondays and how stressful they are! Oh actually they are going to get a lot more stressful as her other DD start in Sept and I won't be able to take both! And she'll have 2 lots of homework to do too oh she'll be in mage moan mode!

Some people cope better than others, some people like moaning, some people have more challenging children.

I have two dcs. I love them, I wouldn't swap them for the world, I moan about how hard things can be sometimes. I didn't realise how hard it could be and consequently I won't be having anymore children. I would love more, in an ideal world, but I have had crippling PND (which only dh knows about) and I don't think I could realistically cope with any more dcs.

Perhaps, rather than moaning about your 'friends', you should be happy in the knowledge that you are have 4 dcs and are coping. Unless your friends are completely obtuse, the fact you have 4 dcs to their 2, mustn't go unnoticed and maybe they look up to you for sympathy, advice or support, not unsisterly moaning.

Now THAT I get. I have no help at all. nada/ziltch/nitsch. so people complaining that their mum can't do a 2.30 pick up but can only manage a 3 o'clock, totally gets my goat.

Please promise me that you will distance yourself from these moaners, atleast for a bit.

It really is all relative. I have 3 dc (all under 4, all under 3 at one point) and I sometimes think I find it easier than friends with 2. In your situation, I'd probably congratulate myself on how well I manage compared with those I know with less children - smug self satisfaction is the way forward (this is how I quit smoking - every time I saw someone smoking I took delight in the fact that they were still doing it and I wasn't).

Sometimes I moan about stuff like this with another mother in a kind of conspiratorial, 'isn't it a pain in the arse' type way. Though I think if I do it with someone with more children than I do, or to someone who's pregnant etc I say something along the lines of "of course, you must have even more of this crap/it must be even more tiring for you".

So, really, is it really a competition? Or can't you join in and say "oh I know, it's a pain in the butt, etc etc"?

You sound like you just want some parental help yourself which is really not unreasonable. I have no parents so I get that.

When you don't have your own mum to help, you naturally become the grown up, everyone will come to you for help and advice, they will leave any number of children with you and you will do a great job with whatever is thrown at you. You want to help, you want to mother. But there will also be private quiet moments when you think mean spirited jealous thoughts and hate and resent everyone with living parents. Bottom line, no one with parents will understand this so don't hold it against them.

Ah but I don't cope, well at least inside I don't, I've had PND and crippling anxiety and some days its a struggle to get out the door but I feel that when you have a larger family you cannot moan as it's your own doing as you chose to have loads of DC IYSWIM.

People always say "I don't know how you do it, how you get them all up and ready and on time" what's the alternative? I don't? They would be the ones that would suffer.

Oblomov - yes I think thats the bit thats gets to me the most when they moan about GPs and they help they get.

Moan if you want to.

I don't get the difference having four children rather than two makes in terms of being entitled to discuss how you feel about stuff that gets you down?

I chose to have the two children I have. If I want to have a moan one day to someone who knows what I'm talking about and is sympathetic, then I will. That's part of what friends do for each other - listen to each other's gripes.

Happily listen to you rant. This is larger families where we can all Whinge about our delights even if we love them really.

I try to remember what it was like when I only had two and it seemed just a hard then. A bit of forbearance on your part an a bit of tact on hers would make it right

Op, I'm sorry, I feel for you. I am the same. Is it just a recent thing or did you feel like this with your first?

The reason I say this is I am suffering differently this time with dd2. The baby stuff, the massive change in lifestyle etc, that comes with a first born has not been a problem this time round, however, the logistics of dealing with two (a v challenging toddler and a young baby), getting out and about and the exhaustion had been my downfall, hence my inability to see how I'd cope with any more.

Perhaps your post is more about your projected PND feelings than about your friends?

It's one friend in particular that is irritating me a bit, she says SK it's ok for you, you don't have to work and yes in part that is true I am lucky but to become a SAHM and have 4 DC we have made sacrifices, we don't have 2 new cars in the drive or foreign holidays which we are fine with. I then have to listen to all her gripes about childcare/holidays/juggling everything which I do understand and sympathise with it must be difficult. Then she'll say well I can only afford to work because I have free childcare and then moans about the free childcare. It's a very one sided friendship, as I have said I feel Im not allowed to moan after all I don't have these issues.

I think you're being a bit unfair about the 2dc Vs 4dc bit.

However, I think its annoying when people moan about childcare etc when they get loads compared to the person they are moaning to iyswim.

bit biased mother of 2 unruly dc with zero childcare

Well I totally understand your frustrations - you sound like you are in a similar position to us. 4 dcs, no family help, little money too.

The way I see it as when friends have a little moan - I do think they are entitled to a moan (as am I) but I often have a secret chuckle when they complain about stuff like the cost of their weekly shop, or getting them to school on time. and then I feel slightly smug because I do all that single handedly with twice as many children.
Also I have a friend with 8 dc so I can't moan to much

however many children we have, we all notice how much easier it is when one isn't there for any reason - whether we have 1, or 2, or 3, or 4, or even more...

what we have is what we live with, & sometimes we all find that hard, & need to whinge

parenting shouldn't be a competition

Sometimes I do grit my teeth a little when people complain. I know I choose to have 4dcs, I chose to have have them half a world away from our families and we don't have a vast friendship network here. And dh works long hours, but still it is hard. I do usually just smile sympathetically. My lovely neighbour had 2dcs and I often see her mum's car in the driveway and it makes me realise how hard it is to have 4dcs with no help. I don't think I'm envious, but when I see her mum's car, I guess I feel a little sorry for myself. At times I feel a little overwhelmed by 4dcs and all it entails. The feeling doesn't last for too long, a little smile from dd4 and the hard work is all worth it wouldn't mind more sleep though

Imip - thanks I know what you mean I live having 4 DCS (most of the time) but you're right it is very hard especially when your doing it all on your own. How old are your DCs? Mine are 7, 6, 3 and 2 and growing up far too fast

4dds, 5, almost 4, 2 and 4 months. Yes, tis going v quickly - and I am aware how quickly I am getting old!