Do you ever want to scream when your friends with 2 DC moan about how hard it is?

[sweetkitty]

Have come in here for some tea and sympathy and have a little rant.

Most of my friends have 2DC some have 3, I have 4 (I know not a competition but still), a few friends in particular are always moaning about how much they have to do, how much washing they have, how much running about etc.

One friend in particular with 2DC is always going on about how hard it is, she told me 3 times today she was shipping her DC off to Grandmas for a few hours for a break. She's knows this is not an option for me (one gran dead, one gran abusive) so I feel she is being a bit insensitive going on about shipping DC off to Grandmas for some peace. She also harps on about how much washing and housework she has to do and I feel like screaming you have no idea.

Another friend with one school age DC goes on and on about the school run and how she hates Mondays as it is Rainbows day. I pick her DD for Rainbows (with my 4) and her hubby collects her so she doesn't have to do anything really apart from get her dinner and get her ready. Every bloody week she moans and moans knowing full well I take DD2 to Rainbows, hang about for an hour with 3DC then take DD1 to Brownies, luckily then I get to go home and my DP picks her up.

I know we made a choice to have 4DC knowing we would have sod all help but I'm constantly biting my tongue off with all it's so hard comments.

thanks for listening to my rant I'm the only one of my friends with 4DC so have noone to rant with!

4 DDs how lovely although I can imagine the comments you must get? I have 3 DDs and got a shock when DD4 turned out to be DS. He's gorgeous though even though he's utterly wild.

I'm going to try and be more calmer and not let things get to me do much this week and am going to cancel our weekly play date with one of my friends as I can't face it.

I am with Bronze on this one Sweetkitty this is a larger families thread so moan away. This is just the place to do it. I love my family but sometimes I am on my knees, the large amounts of cooking, the piles of washing, the sheer noise this many children can create, the amount of driving people around which I seem to do.

Someone mentioned about finding other people in a similar situation - well there are loads of us here with four or more - you keep moaning until you feel better!!

Well I only have two kids and help sometimes. I even get a whole day to myself every other week as MIL takes youngest while eldest is at school.

I also was abused as a child and spent the first five years of my life in and out of foster care. So those days I moan, maybe mentally I am tired from dealing with the lifelong battle that is recovering from an unloving childhood.

You never know what goes on in people's lives

I have 5DC and 26wks pregnant with numbers 6 and 7. Me and DP work full time and share everything ie. Chores pick ups drop offs. And we each get s day to ourselfs once a month it keeps us sane

My gran (mother of 11) always says that it starts getting easier after the first 4. So you just need to keep going...

Personally, I believe in moaning like a Trojan. I moaned when I had one, I moaned less when I had 2 but only because i was too knackered to draw breath. I expect my friends to moan too, however many or few kids they have. The only thing I expect is parity of airtime.

I want to scream at my friend with 4 dcs that she cheats by having granny to mind various of them and therefore make her logistics no more complicated than mine.

However, she never moans about them and I try not to moan about mine.

OP, I'm sorry to hear you have PND. I do too, it was having the third that set me off. Feeling like I was constantly letting one of them down

I think this is not so much about size of family but whether the emotional support of having someone to moan to is two way. If you are always listening but never have an ear for your problems or a shoulder to cry on then it's not a friendship and you should cut them out of your life.

Thanks for all the kind replies that's why I posted in here with people who understand.

I know everything's relative and everyone has their own worries.

And no I am having no more I feel at my limit of what I can give each one, you do feel constantly torn in four (in my case). Also I am never going through another SPD pregnancy.

Sweetkitty I would be totally fuming in your position, and I think she's being extremely thoughtless - maybe a few posters should try walking in your shoes for a while. I'm just slightly surprised that you've got time to listen to her moaning - I'm run off my feet constantly. I didn't choose to have 5 kids (surprise/disorganised pg with twins, had to proceed for religious reasons) - love them all to pieces but the work is sooo hard and as you say you're torn every which way. Anyway, must get off mumsnet and crack on with chores before waking up at 6am to go to work to pay for them all !

It's all relative though isn't it.

I've just got one DS. Have loads of family support, in laws, a cleaner etc.

And I find it really, really hard. I won't be having any more, it would break me.

My best friend is in a v similar position, we moan to each other all the time.

It sounds a bit like your friends can't win. You don't like it when they moan about their own lives, but you also get annoyed when they say 'how on earth do you manage it'.

Most of my ante natal group are having their second babies now. I can't get my head around wanting more than one to be honest - they must be made of much stronger stuff than me! How on earth do they manage it?

Ah such is life, people like to have a good ol whinge about their own particular worries, and sometimes I find it can be supportive to have a good moaning session together about parenthood. It helps you feel normal when other parents acknowledge that they find it tough, regardless of their circumstances. I prefer that to people who act as though their life is perfect, their kids are perfect, and they just luuvve being a mummy and never ever get fed up.

Everyone has their skills, I've seen families running like clockwork with 5 kids and other people can't even manage their own life as a singleton. You vent on here, they "whinge" to you... ever consider they might say they can't cope BECAUSE you have a herd and appear to do fine?! Maybe they want to know how you do it? Take it as a compliment?

I just have the two (13 months apart so wasn't having any more!!) but i am the youngest of 7, My mum informs me that after the 3rd it made no difference. She worked part time, my Dad did nights and they had all of us in a two bed flat until I was 1 - no automatic washer/dishwasher etc she made all our clothes and had no family close by. She however feels that actually we have it worse nowadays!!

She said that we had very little so there was no real mess to tidy up - we went out to play a lot, so needed less childcare, we ate what we were given, people didn't have so many clothes that needed washing and the few after school/evening activities we went to, we walked ourselves to and back!!

People just like to have a moan in general (me included) and don't necessarily think about what the person they are moaning to is going through - It's not a competition to see who is doing the most. If you resent taking her daughter to Rainbows then don't do it, simple as that, or tell her that it's her turn every 2nd or 3rd week to take all 3 girls (that seems fair). I am always prepared to take my own kids anywhere, I am happy to offer and take lifts with other parents. If it gets too one sided, i stop offering for a while until they do :o)

I put this on larger families to see if it were just me that thinks this not on AIBU.

I have a friend she has 3 boys in a 2 bed council flat, she won't get a bigger house, when talking to her I could say "oh I live having a garden, I live throwing the DCs outside for a bit of peace, I love watching DP & DS playing football in the garden, i love having a big garden with the trampoline, swings, slide etc in it. I would never say this to her as its thoughtless and insensitive.

It's the same as when my friends go on about needing a bit of peace and sending their DC to GPs, or working and having free childcare. Moaning about GPs taking their DC on hol etc knowing that I never get a break, my DC only have one useless GP.

Yes everything relative and everyone moans and it's not a competition, I do not resent taking my friends DD to Rainbows I'm going anyway it's fine. I just get annoyed when every week she moans about how hard it is for her whilst knowing its doubly hard for me.

I wonder if it's because you don't moan, or haven't pulled her up by saying "yes I find them REALLY stressful too"?

Some people are just whingers and she sounds like one of them.

On the positive side what I find easier about having 4 is that they don't directly compete for my attention and they talk at and annoy each other so I actually get some space from that. Even if the washing/cleaning/catering seems non stop...

Have just worked out that GP=grandparents - was wondering why people sent their kids to the doctors' for some time out!!!

"I've seen families running like clockwork with 5 kids and other people can't manage their life as a singleton". Oooh that made me suck my teeth in, as people often say that my family works very calmly and supportively - they don't see the huge effort of planning, expense and hard work which makes that happen, and how stressful and fragile it feels when you have that kind of responsibility (try crossing a major junction with all on foot).

Still, I've had a comment twice this week which rather cheered me up: "I don't know how you cope so well with four children." I love replying to say there are five.

But overall I think most people I meet are supportive and sympathetic to the practical aspects of having a larger family; and I don't like them to feel too embarrassed about my astounding competence (obviously I have no foodstains on my clothes, my hair is totally glossy and my kids are perfectly behaved) that they can't moan within reason about their own troubles.

My friend with one dc was moaning about how exhausting it can be looking after her dd and expected me to agree! Expecting a mum of four to agree to such a statement is bizarre.

The op needs to get to know other mums with three plus dcs. They get where you're coming from.

In the past 2 days Friend 1 moaning that grandma wants to take her DC over the holidays but won't commit to any days and won't have the 3 of them stay over at the one time. Also she's going off abroad to see her other grandkids which means she won't be available during a few weeks of the summer hols. Friend 2 telling me how much she is looking forward to her 2 DC going away for a week with her Aunt and Uncle as she'll get a break, then going on to say how she loves when they go to Grandmas on a Saturday as she can chill child free and get a break. They both know we have 0 childcare and even a trip to the dentist is a major hassle.

I don't mind listening to their moans but every single time I see them it starts to grate.

Maybe I'll try a different tactic and start moaning along. Oh I wish I had grandparents I could moan about, a break whats that haven't had one in 8 years, yes I wish my Mum wasn't emotionally abusive to me and toxic in that I have keep my DC away from her as I don't want them as damaged as I am, yes I wish my MIL didn't drop dead of a heart attack very young leaving DH an orphan. Yes when DD3 was rushed into hospital not one member of my family asked if she was ok or asked if they could help out even though DS was a baby. Bitter, me???

Sometimes I wonder why some people actually have children when they seem to spend most of the time plotting ways to get away from them.

Sweetkitty - I know exactly how you feel. I remember you being pregnant with your fourth the same time that I was pregnant with my fourth. Funnily enough I had a boy too after three girls.

I know exactly how you feel as we have no support from anyone else. I have a friend who moans about her in-laws, she feels they don't babysit enough or see her children enough. Whereas I feel they come across as quite interested in her kids and do spend time with them. She also has an Aunt who babysits her two when she works, so free childcare. Oh she has two children.

I know it is all relative but four kids is hard work. Once a Mum of three dismissed my comment that each child adds onto the workload. She said "she couldn't imagine how four would be any harder than three". Well I know it is no competition but it is harder.As someone earlier in the thread said, once you take one child out of it the work becomes so much easier.

I have moments of great sadness when occassionally I notice a child having a good time with their grandparent. When I glimpse that unconditional love and I am sad, jealous that my own children don't have that. The same way I felt sometimes at the sight of a new baby when we were childless experiencing infertility.

I would love my children to have another adult in their lives who love them, they don't. Another adult to guide them etc.

I totally get what you mean SK and yes sometimes I do think you don't know you have it made. I also have a friend with one child and she does find it hard and sometimes moans and says she just needs a rest. I just try and take myself back to when I only had one and I suppose at times yes, I did too find it hard with just one, then with just two. Though she will then acknowledge my position and say I must find it hard etc.

Anyhow, just to let you know I feel your pain.

Just a different perspective here.
I have one DC, not by choice but because of fertility issues, and I find it very hard sometimes to listen to people moaning about their large families because I am jealous.
DH and I wanted a large family so much, and it would take a few miracles for us to have one.
I never say anything, obviously, and go deep in my heart to find the sympathy they deserve, but some days I can't do it, it's too hard.

Its all hard though, this parenting lark. It is tough when they have their first illness and you feel helpless, when you start the stress of the school run and juggling jobs, and coping on your own when your husband leaves or even just coping with the shock of having your first newborn.

And where better than here to rant?

I don't want to stop you having a space to rant in as it must be very isolating being the only person you know with 4DC. But, not all DCs are equally hard work. My most 'difficult' DC is harder work than 2/3 of the 'easy' one. Maybe they stopped at 2 cos they had 2 hard ones and maybe you continued cos you had 2 easy ones.

Just looking at DD2 thinking "easy" not a word I would use for her

No I adore all my DC of course we chose to have 4, all very much planned but that's why I feel I cannot have a moan because we chose this, we knew we would have no help and it would be hard.

I remember all the horror stories about having a child and when DD1 came along it was easy not difficult at all, even DD2 who has always been erm hard work wasn't that bad.

hmmm, lots of people with smaller families are commenting here, which is kind of missing the point of the thread and community . They are not going to have a clue of the x dimensional juggling required to get to the dentists!

longstory fair enough but I can definitely see catus point of view, it must be very hard in her situation.
I have 3 but my best friend has 3 too, and like me works part time. When we manage to see each other it's always a relief as it's someone else who 'gets' it.
Op find some friends with bigger friends to try to balance out what you are having to listen too!! I love meeting other mums of 3!!