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Original poster

To ask if you've regretted surrogacy/struggled to bond?

427 replies

ivfregret · 15/05/2023 19:42

Posting for traffic the other forums do not get much response.

This is not a thread about the ethics of surrogacy so I'm hoping it doesn't become that.

I'm posting because starting a family myself is becoming a very unlikely route for me and I may have to consider surrogacy.

I'm just concerned about bonding with the child/having regrets so I'd like to know if anyone has had this experience experience?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
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Anewnamejustforthis · 15/05/2023 19:50

I worried about bonding too but I needn’t have, I was completely overwhelmed by how strong my feelings were right from the start. And no I haven’t regretted it for a single second, just wished I’d done it earlier.

Mushroo · 15/05/2023 19:52

This is going to sound stupid and blasé and I hope it doesn’t come across that way, but think about how much you love your partner, your dog, your cat. You’re not related to them, or even the same species!

Love is love - you will definitely bond with a gorgeous little baby.

spudulike1 · 15/05/2023 19:55

I didn't have a surrogate but I did adopt a new born. I didn't struggle to bond. She had my whole heart very quickly. Someone who relies on you for everything is very easy to bond with (in my experience)

HowcanIhelp123 · 15/05/2023 19:58

Mumsnet is nortoriously 'surrogacy is evil and anyone involved should go to prison for life' so this thread may go bad very quickly OP.

Your baby is your baby however they come to you ❤

TomatoSandwiches · 15/05/2023 19:59

Lots of mothers that give birth struggle, you can look it up, plenty carry and give birth and initially feel nothing much, which is normal btw. For some people it takes time which is also normal, bonding and falling in love comes through many different ways including the physical act of taking care of them and time.

ItsCalledAConversation · 15/05/2023 20:00

If I can bond with an 8 week old Labrador, you can and will bond with your blessed new baby. What a beautiful thing is love, it just expands to fit. Good luck!

Newnamenewname109870 · 15/05/2023 20:00

Even when you give birth, it is a bit of a surprise when this fully grown baby comes out of you! I don’t think it matters at all.

lostat · 15/05/2023 20:03

You can 100% bond with a baby that you haven't given birth to. But (and don't jump at me) be prepared that this baby will have been removed from all it has known and may need a little longer to settle. Lots of skin to skin and cuddles and maybe limit other people around your baby for the first few weeks so they really get used to you and your partner. There will be things missing from the 'normal' baby bonding with their mother like heartbeat/smell/mothers voice etc.

Good luck!!

Hellno45 · 15/05/2023 20:11

I think you can struggle to bond when you give birth to baby so I would imagine that you can in surrogacy as well.

I had my eldest following 7 years of infertility, lots of ivf and a emergency Csection under general anesthesia. I didn't bond immediately and in all honesty I didn't even believe my baby was my baby. I thought my baby had died. I was very traumatised by everything.

I would recommend that you take up any therapy offered to you prior to the surrogacy and after. Also, don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. May people suffer in silence unnecessary due to shame and fear.

FrictionDiction · 15/05/2023 20:12

My partner gave birth to our daughter (same sex relationship) and I had zero problems bonding, I was actually emotionally prepared to need time to "fall in love" with the baby (as I had read on advice for new dads) but it was instant love. It actually took my partner a day or two to feel it, we think because of the drugs and exhaustion and recovery, so remember that it's not always straight forward for birth mother's anyway.

Isthisexpected · 15/05/2023 20:16

To be separated from all its known is the most traumatic start to life for a newborn. So be prepared for the baby to need lots of time and patience to get used to their new normal and respond to you. Usually they come out and recognise the smell, touch and sound of their mum and dad/mum's partner.

IbbleDibbleDibble · 15/05/2023 20:21

If you want to have a baby via surrogacy you should be concerned with how you will get the baby to love you not whether you will love the baby. The baby will be taken away after birth from everything and everyone it’s ever known and given to a total stranger. How you can help the baby adjust to that trauma should be your main priority and what you should be asking about here.

Senorfrijoles · 15/05/2023 20:24

FrictionDiction · 15/05/2023 20:12

My partner gave birth to our daughter (same sex relationship) and I had zero problems bonding, I was actually emotionally prepared to need time to "fall in love" with the baby (as I had read on advice for new dads) but it was instant love. It actually took my partner a day or two to feel it, we think because of the drugs and exhaustion and recovery, so remember that it's not always straight forward for birth mother's anyway.

My partner said exactly the same (also a SS couple- I gave birth). She said she knew DS was "hers" immediately.

FifiRebel · 15/05/2023 20:26

Surrogacy isn't the only reason for this scenario though - I winced reading this as my baby was born via emergency c section at 30 weeks. No skin to skin, he was whisked away to NICU and I couldn't meet him for about 8 hours. Premature babies can't be touched much for their first few weeks.

The OP asked for experiences about parents not the baby.

FifiRebel · 15/05/2023 20:27

Sorry I was trying to quote the post at 20:16

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 15/05/2023 20:33

Didn't take long for the 'wrenched from all it has ever known' hyperbole brigade to appear did it

isthistheendtakeabreath · 15/05/2023 20:35

My now ex husband struggled to bond with our IVF babies.....(I carried them and they are biologically both of ours). He left because of his feeling towards them. So I guess I'm here to say it can and does happen even when surrogacy isn't part of the equation

IbbleDibbleDibble · 15/05/2023 20:35

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HolidayHankering · 15/05/2023 20:37

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 15/05/2023 20:33

Didn't take long for the 'wrenched from all it has ever known' hyperbole brigade to appear did it

I'm politely curious if you grow up separated from the woman who gave birth to you and had a complex start in life?

Newnamenewname109870 · 15/05/2023 20:37

IbbleDibbleDibble · 15/05/2023 20:21

If you want to have a baby via surrogacy you should be concerned with how you will get the baby to love you not whether you will love the baby. The baby will be taken away after birth from everything and everyone it’s ever known and given to a total stranger. How you can help the baby adjust to that trauma should be your main priority and what you should be asking about here.

Oh ffs it’s not a total stranger. If op chooses surrogacy the baby will probably be related to her genetically and more importantly she will be talking to and caring for the baby and surrogate outside the womb from conception - just like a father would.

Selfietaker · 15/05/2023 20:39

An instant bond is never a given.

I have one older child that I carried and a younger one though surrogacy. I love them both the same. For whatever reason, my younger child instantly felt like mine and I could read her at once. She was incredibly responsive and settled. Nothing that I had worried about turned out to be an issue. Still isn't.

Selfietaker · 15/05/2023 20:41

IbbleDibbleDibble · 15/05/2023 20:21

If you want to have a baby via surrogacy you should be concerned with how you will get the baby to love you not whether you will love the baby. The baby will be taken away after birth from everything and everyone it’s ever known and given to a total stranger. How you can help the baby adjust to that trauma should be your main priority and what you should be asking about here.

Do you think fathers are lesser parents then? And should be worried about how to get their baby to love them?

It sounds a bit ridiculous to me as many babies settle faster for their dad.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 15/05/2023 20:42

HolidayHankering · 15/05/2023 20:37

I'm politely curious if you grow up separated from the woman who gave birth to you and had a complex start in life?

Show quote history

No, but if I had been as a new born baby on the first day of life I don't expect it would have given me lifelong trauma! My own DD was in NICU for nine weeks so you could say she had a traumatic start but seems okay now!
In any case let's not derail the thread. Good luck OP, I hope it all goes well.

ArtichokeAardvark · 15/05/2023 20:42

My sister has had two children through surrogacy. With her first, the bond was immediate. With her second, she admits it took a couple of months before it kicked in - possibly because she was so busy chasing after a toddler that she couldn't dedicate so much time to bonding with her new baby.

Selfietaker · 15/05/2023 20:42

I would absolutely agree you're at a slight advantage in some ways when bonding with a baby if you haven't just come through a birth, depending on the birth.