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Original poster

To ask if you've regretted surrogacy/struggled to bond?

427 replies

ivfregret · 15/05/2023 19:42

Posting for traffic the other forums do not get much response.

This is not a thread about the ethics of surrogacy so I'm hoping it doesn't become that.

I'm posting because starting a family myself is becoming a very unlikely route for me and I may have to consider surrogacy.

I'm just concerned about bonding with the child/having regrets so I'd like to know if anyone has had this experience experience?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
Bigmugoftea · 15/05/2023 20:42

Has there been any research done into the long term impact on a child born and raised through surrogacy? Similar to studies into effects of adoption? We know it can have an impact on a child who has been adopted, why would anyone go about creating a set of traumatic circumstances deliberately? I know you didn't want to hear any of these kind of opinions but I think people really need to think about what is best for the baby.

Selfietaker · 15/05/2023 20:44

Bigmugoftea · 15/05/2023 20:42

Has there been any research done into the long term impact on a child born and raised through surrogacy? Similar to studies into effects of adoption? We know it can have an impact on a child who has been adopted, why would anyone go about creating a set of traumatic circumstances deliberately? I know you didn't want to hear any of these kind of opinions but I think people really need to think about what is best for the baby.

I have seen a study. The researcher's abstract (ie, their interpretation of their results) was entirely different to what Mumsnet and other places have taken away from it. So I think we don't have anything very strong yet either way, it's fair to say.

Coldilox · 15/05/2023 20:45

Different circumstances, but I gave birth to our child, but it was my wife’s egg that we used - so I grew her baby essentially. She never had any issues bonding. She bonded easier than I did, in fact. They adore each other and always have.

HolidayHankering · 15/05/2023 20:47

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 15/05/2023 20:42

No, but if I had been as a new born baby on the first day of life I don't expect it would have given me lifelong trauma! My own DD was in NICU for nine weeks so you could say she had a traumatic start but seems okay now!
In any case let's not derail the thread. Good luck OP, I hope it all goes well.

Show quote history

Very blithe and dismissive.

You cannot ignore the ethics in a conversation about surrogacy. Doesn't matter if you find them uncomfortable or inconvenient or icky.

Baxdream · 15/05/2023 20:49

Look up 100yearsinthemaking. Her children are surrogacy babies. I'm sure she'd answer questions you have

Baxdream · 15/05/2023 20:49

Sorry she's on Instagram not here

SchoolShenanigans · 15/05/2023 20:52

Mushroo · 15/05/2023 19:52

This is going to sound stupid and blasé and I hope it doesn’t come across that way, but think about how much you love your partner, your dog, your cat. You’re not related to them, or even the same species!

Love is love - you will definitely bond with a gorgeous little baby.

Unfortunately it's not as simple as that. People struggle to bond for all sorts of reasons. And people don't always love their partners either.

OP - no one can tell you how you'll feel. I never thought I'd struggle to bond until I did. I think the key is to know it's very rare for it to continue beyond the first year or so.

There isn't a right way of parenting or loving your child, as long as you do your best by them.

LBFseBrom · 15/05/2023 20:53

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 15/05/2023 20:33

Didn't take long for the 'wrenched from all it has ever known' hyperbole brigade to appear did it

Why does that annoy you? It is true and not hyperbole. You would know if you were separated from the mother who carried you for nine months.

OP I understand the desire for a baby but there are other things in life; many couples who have been unable to have children do go on to have happy lives once they accept the status quo. They use their freedom positively.

Nobody has the right to a child. Sometimes it is just not meant to be but something else may be.

GADDay · 15/05/2023 20:54

HolidayHankering · 15/05/2023 20:47

Very blithe and dismissive.

You cannot ignore the ethics in a conversation about surrogacy. Doesn't matter if you find them uncomfortable or inconvenient or icky.

Show quote history

It is not a thread about the ethics of surrogacy though.

You do know that it is not mandatory to share your opinion, even when it wasn't asked for.

You don't HAVE to chime in. Scroll on duck.

Newnamenewname109870 · 15/05/2023 20:55

LBFseBrom · 15/05/2023 20:53

Why does that annoy you? It is true and not hyperbole. You would know if you were separated from the mother who carried you for nine months.

OP I understand the desire for a baby but there are other things in life; many couples who have been unable to have children do go on to have happy lives once they accept the status quo. They use their freedom positively.

Nobody has the right to a child. Sometimes it is just not meant to be but something else may be.

Show quote history

This is an incredibly offensive post.

OddBoots · 15/05/2023 20:57

Selfietaker · 15/05/2023 20:44

I have seen a study. The researcher's abstract (ie, their interpretation of their results) was entirely different to what Mumsnet and other places have taken away from it. So I think we don't have anything very strong yet either way, it's fair to say.

Show quote history

Is this the one you mean?

One of the teens in it was carried and birthed by me so my views on it are biased but the bond between mother and child that I observed in them was (and still is) as strong as any as any other of my friends and their children.

https://api.repository.cam.ac.uk/server/api/core/bitstreams/f557c764-39b3-485b-a747-d591e5f886e0/content

Comedycook · 15/05/2023 20:58

I'm struck by how your post is solely focused on yourself and your feelings in all this...

HolidayHankering · 15/05/2023 20:58

@GADDay you fancy yourself as the thread police eh?

If you are going to discuss a contentious subject on a public forum, you cannot guarantee that people will shut up just because you'd prefer that. That's life.

HolidayHankering · 15/05/2023 21:00

It is not a thread about the ethics of surrogacy though

You cannot discuss surrogacy without discussing the ethics. Things do not exist in a vacuum.

DoIReallyNeedToNC · 15/05/2023 21:04

LBFseBrom · 15/05/2023 20:53

Why does that annoy you? It is true and not hyperbole. You would know if you were separated from the mother who carried you for nine months.

OP I understand the desire for a baby but there are other things in life; many couples who have been unable to have children do go on to have happy lives once they accept the status quo. They use their freedom positively.

Nobody has the right to a child. Sometimes it is just not meant to be but something else may be.

Show quote history

This is not a dig. I'm genuinely curious. Were you born to a surrogate mother? Were you separated from the mother who carried you for 9 months?

Op, a pp said above that it's easy to love someone who is so dependent on you. I think that is true. You create that bond by nurturing and caring for your child. You can even create it before they are born by thinking about them and imagining your life together.

GADDay · 15/05/2023 21:05

HolidayHankering · 15/05/2023 20:58

@GADDay you fancy yourself as the thread police eh?

If you are going to discuss a contentious subject on a public forum, you cannot guarantee that people will shut up just because you'd prefer that. That's life.

Nah. You rock on.

The world is a soapbox.

Tandora · 15/05/2023 21:08

LBFseBrom · 15/05/2023 20:53

Why does that annoy you? It is true and not hyperbole. You would know if you were separated from the mother who carried you for nine months.

OP I understand the desire for a baby but there are other things in life; many couples who have been unable to have children do go on to have happy lives once they accept the status quo. They use their freedom positively.

Nobody has the right to a child. Sometimes it is just not meant to be but something else may be.

Show quote history

😡😡😡

GADDay · 15/05/2023 21:09

HolidayHankering · 15/05/2023 21:00

It is not a thread about the ethics of surrogacy though

You cannot discuss surrogacy without discussing the ethics. Things do not exist in a vacuum.

Erm.. it is entirely possible to discuss something in isolation. To answer a specific question without interjecting your own opinion.

The old saying about opinions and arseholes springs to mind.

Sorry @op for derailing your thread.

HolidayHankering · 15/05/2023 21:09

Were you separated from the mother who carried you for 9 months?

I was separated from the amazing mother who carried me, and very luckily was brought up by another wonderful mother.

I was surrounded by love. Both mothers loved me.

Maternal separation has still left a very deep wound.

Tandora · 15/05/2023 21:11

HolidayHankering · 15/05/2023 21:09

Were you separated from the mother who carried you for 9 months?

I was separated from the amazing mother who carried me, and very luckily was brought up by another wonderful mother.

I was surrounded by love. Both mothers loved me.

Maternal separation has still left a very deep wound.

Were you born by surrogate?

If not your personal experience has very little relevance.

DoIReallyNeedToNC · 15/05/2023 21:12

HolidayHankering · 15/05/2023 21:09

Were you separated from the mother who carried you for 9 months?

I was separated from the amazing mother who carried me, and very luckily was brought up by another wonderful mother.

I was surrounded by love. Both mothers loved me.

Maternal separation has still left a very deep wound.

Ok. I'm sorry about your hurt. Thank you for answering my question.

Ylvamoon · 15/05/2023 21:14

... a dear family friend said once to my mum about her adopted child: " you can't change who your child is" as in genetics.

Just remember if you use donor egg/ sperms, your child is 50% someone you never met.

IbbleDibbleDibble · 15/05/2023 21:17

@Selfietaker it’s now known babies recognise fathers voice from hearing it inside the womb. So it’s not an equivalent situation. Maybe if it’s a family member and the op spends a lot of time talking to the bump. But if it’s exploiting a poor woman in a less developed country then the baby will not know the voice so a lesser status than father.

unfortunately your younger child was likely more settled as they weren’t wanting to cling to you as you were a stranger to them.

YouWonJayne · 15/05/2023 21:18

Well surrogacy done properly, for all involved, carries A LOT of selflessness. You are using someone else’s body which can be potentially dangerous, and you need to have respect for that and that of the baby and their expectation.

Rule number 1 - You have to put the surrogate first, throughout the pregnancy, birth and afterwards. And when the baby is born the surrogate is who they’re expecting to meet and you need to allow them to bond and have a smooth transition to you, before you take full parental control.

If you’re not willing to do all that then surrogacy isn’t for you.

But I can link you to a lot of articles where surrogates regretted their choice, not sure how many bio parent regrets there are though.

YouWonJayne · 15/05/2023 21:21

My friend’s sister was a surrogate for their other sister. Perhaps it worked because they were so close but the followed best practice which is

  • Allowing the surrogate to attend antenatal appointments etc alone and not being overbearing during the pregnancy
  • Not being present at the birth. She loves her sister but she didn’t want her to watch her giving birth.
  • the surrogate lived with her sister and BIL for 12 weeks after the birth using surrogacy leave she was entitled to. She breastfed. She bonded with the baby. Gradually, they transitioned the baby very slowly to the point the bio parents were doing all the feeds and looking after. Then she moved out
Their son is now 8 and he knows Aunty Andrea carried and gave birth to him, they’re all very open and very close and respectful of each other. It’s the only way to have a successful surrogacy journey and as I say the sisters’ closeness made all the difference