To ask if you've regretted surrogacy/struggled to bond?

[ivfregret]

Posting for traffic the other forums do not get much response.

This is not a thread about the ethics of surrogacy so I'm hoping it doesn't become that.

I'm posting because starting a family myself is becoming a very unlikely route for me and I may have to consider surrogacy.

I'm just concerned about bonding with the child/having regrets so I'd like to know if anyone has had this experience experience?

Thanks in advance

@lifeturnsonadime I am sure your 'friend' had a much better life than she would have if she had remained with the birth mother who clearly could not look after her/didn't want her.

ALSO

Many people who stay with their 'birth parents' have less than perfect lives, and parents who don't care for them, and THEY can end up feeling lost and lonely and like something is missing. It's ludicrous to suggest that someone adopted/born of a surrogate cannot have such a happy life as someone who remains with the birth parents. Indeed many adopted/surrogate children will be much happier!

This. ^ I don't know why anyone is even bothering to engage with the Surrogacy-haters and naysayers on here. They don't represent the views of most people in real life. Only on mumsnet do people have such vitriol and hate towards people who use surrogates - with all the nonsense about how sooo many poor women do it for money so 'evil grabby rich people can get a baby' and 'nobody has a right to a baby lalalala...'

There is NO EVIDENCE that women are abused and used and trafficked (in this country,) to give babies to rich people. Why do people keep saying this? It's utter shit.

So tedious, and so predictable, and not worth engaging with. As I said, NO-ONE I know in real life has the anti surrogacy views some people on here CLAIM TO have.

Many of them come out at night too, so that's why the thread has gone full on batshit, with the batshit accusations of 'trafficking women to force them to have babies for the rich' and 'it's misogyny' and 'it's using women for nefarious needs' blah blah blah...

Let women do what they want with their own body and mind your own bloody business.

And it's utter bullshit that a child will be traumatised by being taken from its surrogate at a few hours/days old. LMFAO. Get a grip. They will remember fuck-all!

This

its concerning to me that this isn’t your concern

Well be that as it may she has always had a yearning.

Are you trying to deny her that?

The OP has asked for opinions. An opinion that a baby born of a surrogacy arrangements won't feel similarly are naieve to say the least.

My DF has found out some facts surrounding her adoption. Her birth mother was 15 and she falls into one of these births - https://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/nov/04/baby-adoption-practices-of-past-demand-inquiry-say-law-firms

She has made tentative steps to reuite with her birth mother who may well have been perfectly capable of bringing her up under different circumstances.

@DannyZukosSmile
Thankyou. I don't know why I reply to the ignorant people on here either. I guess seeing surrogacy close up with all the parents involved I see the truth.
Surrogacy if done properly is the greatest gift.

Many people who stay with their 'birth parents' have less than perfect lives, and parents who don't care for them, and THEY can end up feeling lost and lonely and like something is missing. It's ludicrous to suggest that someone adopted/born of a surrogate cannot have such a happy life as someone who remains with the birth parents. Indeed many adopted/surrogate children will be much happier!

Situations where children are adopted because they would be at risk of harm with their birth parents is a very different situation from babies who are created to be brought up by another set of parents.

In one situation the baby has been born and needs to be looked after, in the second situation the baby is born because the baby is a commodity which has been transacted.

There is NO EVIDENCE that women are abused and used and trafficked (in this country,) to give babies to rich people. Why do people keep saying this? It's utter shit.

Are you really suggesting they are doing it out of the goodness of their hearts.

I call bullshit.

Lots of money is paid in expenses. I know a surrogate who did it to stay in the marital home with her 4 kids after her husband left her.

Rich women are never surrogates.

Bizarre post

Millions of POOR women are never surrogates either @lifeturnsonadime and you can post any link you like to articles that are biased in your favour, and say what you want to hear. Makes naff-all difference to me, and does NOT change my views.

I am not arguing with you anti surrogacy people anyway. I get sick of you. You will NEVER see anyone's side but your own. Off you pop.

For the PP saying a baby knows it's mother's heartbeat I'm sure it wouldn't be able to distinguish between it's birth mother's or anyone else's! Don't heartbeats all sound the same?🤔

I'm not sure how much I agree with international surrogacy just because I'd be concerned about why the birth mother chose to be a surrogate. However, altruistic surrogacy is a wonderful thing to do, where is the research to say a newborn is traumatised by being torn from its mother? What about all the NICU babies? Are they traumatised? I think it's a load of shite and actually quite offensive to mother's who's babies had to spend time in NICU because I don't see how it's any different?

OP sorry for derailing. I think you'll have the same probability for bonding the same as any new mum.

OK I call bullshit.

The surrogates I have met this year in my hospital have both been married with families of their own. Both working with husbands in good jobs. Not poor desperate womdn like you are making all surrogates out to be.

It is not my job to be judgemental of their choice. I am there to provide care for them their baby and family. Maybe you should try it.

Exactly this. I just made the mistake of engaging with it. Won't be doing that again. The anti surrogacy frothing on mumsnet is batshit.

Exactly this!

@DannyZukosSmile
Yep I'm out. No doubt will wake up to load of posts saying I'm a nasty evil person should not be in midwifery bla bla bla.
Like I give a toss.

I'm out too, but coz I need to SLEEP. I have work tomorrow. Night night @Thedogscollar 😄

It's not though, She was twice a surrogate and also a doula.

Just because a story doesn't fit your narrative it doesn't mean it is untrue.

You are talking bollocks, this really isn’t surrogacy best practice and far from it.
It might have worked for the one person you know but isn’t the norm, no one expects a surrogate to live with them for 3months! The surrogate wants time with her own family and meeting you as a friend.

This is not best practice and the norm and you are also posting about surrogacy being evil in the same vein, you seem a tad confused dear.

Most ridiculous argument I've ever read.

Of course most poor women are not surrogates! That doesn't mean that women who are are not doing so for financial gain!

Point me to one, just one, surrogate who has been wealthier than the person who has transacted for the child.

Because every person who uses a surrogate is wealthy enough to pay to do so.

There is a reason you can't get a surrogate baby on the NHS, or even through private health care for that matter. That's because it is a lifestyle choice and there is no benefit to the baby and none to the birth mother or than a financial transaction and it is not necessary for the health and wellbeing of the purchasing parent/s either.

Gloss it up as you wish but it is trading in human lives.

I haven’t read the full thread, so I apologise for that.

OP,,I don’t think you will find a sensible answer to your question here , or indeed anywhere, at least not for another twenty years. I think it very unlikely that anyone who has gone through the surrogacy process as the commissioner rather than the provider would admit to not being blissfully happy and contented. Even if they did feel like that, the bile poured onto anyone who suggests that there might be some ethical issues involved (as I expect will have been in full flow here) would be an enormous disincentive to admit to anything other than total success.

I presume that the rich and famous with babies born by surrogacy will have easy access to childcare, so that if they do fail to bond with the babies, ‘out of sight, out of mind’ will be the solution. For those who have less flexible lives, it might be less easy to disguise.

I suppose the main problem might be that if the child does not live up to expectations, or parenthood proves less satisfactory than expected ( which happens all the time in parenthood) the temptation might be to blame the surrogacy for these problems, and so add an extra layer of difficulty to the situation.

Great post, especially the recommendation of therapy beforehand. I recommend having a trusted therapist ‘on standby’ if you need assistance after the birth too.

im sorry you had such a difficult experience @Hellno45

Op I'm adopted and an adoptive mom. I met my son when he was a year old. I would die to protect him. I can't imagine loving anyone more than him. Him and I belong together.
You will be just fine. 💖
I hope it all goes well.

My trauma in life is from shitty adoptive parents, and a birth father who overdosed and a birth mom who is an addict, mentally ill, and abusive.
Not from adoption. I was alone in the hospital when I was born and didn't actually have legal parents. Not the worst thing to happen to me.

@lifeturnsonadime I know a woman who acted as surrogate. She most definitely was not in it for financial gain.

Her take home pay from her job was in excess of 100k that's before pension, dividends and bonuses. She owns multiple properties in multiple countries.

The family she was acting as surrogate for had a total income of less than one third her income.

I'm sorry if that doesn't fit your narrow minded narrative

I'm posting because starting a family myself is becoming a very unlikely route for me and I may have to consider surrogacy.

Nobody - nobody in the world- HAS to consider surrogacy.

@Mamai90 a basic Google search will tell you the difference between this and a NICU stay. It will also educate you as to how babies can indeed distinguish their mother's heartbeat from anyone else's.