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To ask if you've regretted surrogacy/struggled to bond?

427 replies

ivfregret · 15/05/2023 19:42

Posting for traffic the other forums do not get much response.

This is not a thread about the ethics of surrogacy so I'm hoping it doesn't become that.

I'm posting because starting a family myself is becoming a very unlikely route for me and I may have to consider surrogacy.

I'm just concerned about bonding with the child/having regrets so I'd like to know if anyone has had this experience experience?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
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SparklyBlackKitten · 16/05/2023 03:25

Your egg
His sperm
100% your baby

You wont experience the journey of pregnancy which bonds you from the start, however bonding will start immediately at birth when you see the baby. Or a few days later. You dont know. It might take some time but that would be the same as of you were carrying your own child.

Nothing wrong with surrogacy imo.

But i have read that babies will feel when they are being "swapped" at birth as your smell, voice and heartbeat etc is different from the woman carrying your child. So I am sure that that would have subconcious emotional implications (big or small) on your baby. But that is the price to pay for surrogacy i guess

BSB30 · 16/05/2023 03:50

I considered being a surrogate in my younger years but never went through with it. My reasons for wanting to do it was the desire to do something so incredible for another woman, giving her a child where she otherwise would never have been able to experience that. It would have brought me so much happiness to do that for someone and to see how happy it made them.

If people want to use a surrogate or be a surrogate, that is their business and no one else's. It is not illegal in the U.K. and whether it's 'morally' right is subjective.

OP, I wish you all the best.

Garethkeenansstapler · 16/05/2023 03:52

DannyZukosSmile · 15/05/2023 23:46

This. ^ I don't know why anyone is even bothering to engage with the Surrogacy-haters and naysayers on here. They don't represent the views of most people in real life. Only on mumsnet do people have such vitriol and hate towards people who use surrogates - with all the nonsense about how sooo many poor women do it for money so 'evil grabby rich people can get a baby' and 'nobody has a right to a baby lalalala...'

There is NO EVIDENCE that women are abused and used and trafficked (in this country,) to give babies to rich people. Why do people keep saying this? It's utter shit.

So tedious, and so predictable, and not worth engaging with. As I said, NO-ONE I know in real life has the anti surrogacy views some people on here CLAIM TO have.

Many of them come out at night too, so that's why the thread has gone full on batshit, with the batshit accusations of 'trafficking women to force them to have babies for the rich' and 'it's misogyny' and 'it's using women for nefarious needs' blah blah blah...

Let women do what they want with their own body and mind your own bloody business.

And it's utter bullshit that a child will be traumatised by being taken from its surrogate at a few hours/days old. LMFAO. Get a grip. They will remember fuck-all!

Actually most of the people I’ve happened to discuss this with in real life disapprove of surrogacy, even if they can’t pinpoint why it makes them uncomfortable. Usually it’s because it’s just too ‘unnatural’ for most people to think it’s a good idea, a bit like having AI teach primary school classes or sex changes. Ultimately it is paying or persuading somebody else to take on the huge physical endeavour of growing a baby and giving birth to it for you, and that doesn’t sit right with many. As for the baby being ‘traumatised’, hmmm. I imagine that’s less likely where it’s genetically related to both intended parents, but when it’s a donor/surrogacy job it kind of leaves two issues for the baby to contend with later in life. I think it’s easy to dismiss the impact on them because your worldview considers surrogacy to be okay, but if you have conventional parents yourself I don’t think you can ever understand the impact it would have on the baby as it grows up.

IbbleDibbleDibble · 16/05/2023 05:38

@Thedogscollar @DannyZukosSmile surrogacy in U.K. is rare compared to the hundreds of babies being bought abroad in poor countries ( Georgia, Ukraine, Africa etc) these babies don’t hear their purchasers voice as they are in a different country until birth often thrown in a nursery until the purchasers arrive and hand over the cash for the baby and take it home.

sorry if this doesn’t fit your nicey-nice all sunshine and roses narrative but it’s the reality for so many babies born of surrogacy.

Almost two-thirds of all UK parental orders – legal rights conferred on parents who have commissioned a child from a surrogate – are now for a baby born overseas. In the past three years, more than 1,000 UK couples and individuals have secured the services of surrogates abroad, the highest number from any European country

https://amp.theguardian.com/world/2020/jun/15/the-stranded-babies-of-kyiv-and-the-women-who-give-birth-for-money

Some are crying in their cots; others are being cradled or bottle-fed by nannies. a month on, some 50 babies remain in the hotel and the saga is casting a harsh spotlight on the ethics and scale of the booming commercial child-bearing industry in Ukraine. Ukraine’s ombudsman for children, has now said reforming a system he described as a violation of children’s rights was not enough and that surrogacy services for foreign couples in Ukraine should be banned.
In a cash-strapped economy however, where the average wage is £300 a month and the war with Russia and its proxies continues, many impoverished women, especially in small towns and rural areas, are still lining up to carry babies for money, even if they are paying a heavy health and psychological price

and this is what U.K. people are doing. Not this ‘wonderful’ experience in the U.K.

Surrogacy in Georgia

Seven months into her pregnancy and battling dizziness and side effects of medicine to ward off a miscarriage, 38-year-old Nino is breathing heavily as she perches on the edge of a bed in her three-room apartment outside the Georgian capital. She is carrying twins, and the doctor has advised her to stay in bed. Her three children share the housework when Nino is unwell, and laundry is hanging on clotheslines all around. Her husband works, but his income is unstable. The rent, of 600 laris ($218) a month, "is eating us up," she says. "That's why I agreed to surrogacy; maybe, somehow, I can buy a small house.

surrogacy is an increasingly conspicuous, homegrown industry that has flourished in Georgia under a loose legislative and regulatory framework seemingly aimed at capitalizing on rising global demand and a reluctance in other countries to embrace birthing-for-hire

After giving birth this time, Nino says, she'll tell the neighbors that her newborn son died

While they initially parrot the typical mantra of helping infertile couples have children, these women eventually admit that they become gestational surrogates to get out of poverty or leave abusive situations. Some surrogate carriers have minimal survival options and surrogacy agencies in Georgia convince them that this opportunity is bound to change their lives. Women who are homeless or who live in shelters and safe houses are usually targets of these agencies. The exploitation situation is obvious

The stranded babies of Kyiv and the women who give birth for money | Ukraine | The Guardian

Lockdown exposed the scale of the commercial baby business in Ukraine, and now women hired for their wombs are speaking out<br>

https://amp.theguardian.com/world/2020/jun/15/the-stranded-babies-of-kyiv-and-the-women-who-give-birth-for-money

IbbleDibbleDibble · 16/05/2023 05:41

@DannyZukosSmile interested to hear your views on the above or is if you only care about British women who are surrogates and couldn’t care less about women and babies in other countries.

as for saying LMFAO about something so serious and which is new so the actual impact on babies down the line as adults is unknown is pretty disgusting.

of course as long as the intended parents get what they want and are happy why even bother worrying about the children or the surrogate eh 🙄

Spambod · 16/05/2023 06:37

IbbleDibbleDibble · 15/05/2023 20:21

If you want to have a baby via surrogacy you should be concerned with how you will get the baby to love you not whether you will love the baby. The baby will be taken away after birth from everything and everyone it’s ever known and given to a total stranger. How you can help the baby adjust to that trauma should be your main priority and what you should be asking about here.

Spot on

Achwheesht · 16/05/2023 06:50

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Achwheesht · 16/05/2023 06:56

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Youknownorhing · 16/05/2023 07:14

Bloody hell there's a lot of patronising bollocks on here with some holier-than-thou types conferring emotions upon people they don't know and haven't met.

I was a surrogate 3x
Not related to 2 of them - but the first was for my cousin and joy it bought me made me want to do it again and again. I would have carried on if my age had not prevented.

Had lovely births with all. Also VERY happy to hand over to THEIR parents.
I see my cousins child often and have a soft spot for them obviously .. and the child knows the role I played . but my heart doesn't skip a beat when I see them and I certainly don't hanker after a closer relationship.

The other two I hear from now and then and probably see on average of once a year. They also know my role in their birth. They are just normal happy much loved children.

I was paid expenses. Which mostly consisted of maternity clothes and travel. I am certainly not rich neither am I brassic.. it just was never about money.

It remains one thing I am exceptionally proud of being able to have done.

I have 3 of my own.

FannyCann · 16/05/2023 07:17

Women doing surrogacy in the U.K. for no financial gain is very rare although it does happen. Whilst U.K. laws are such that women do have protections (which law commission proposals will remove), and we certainly don't see the abuse or coercion that happens in other countries, to pretend it is all about the altruistic love of giving the gift of life is a nonsense.
Don't take it from me. Take it from lawyers like NGA law who are up in arms about proposals to restrict and monitor "expenses" claims and the effect this will have of further reducing the supply of British surrogate mothers because, surprise surprise, most women do not want to go through pregnancy, childbirth and give the baby away for no gain to themselves, as much as they may claim they are doing it for the love.

With the books closed at two of the four British surrogacy agencies, and the other two running at a ratio of 4:1 (commissioning parents : surrogate mothers) OP may have to go abroad unless she has a willing sister or friend. Commercial surrogacy abroad is full of exploitative, abusive practices and thoroughly abhorrent.

www.progress.org.uk/law-commissions-proposals-wont-achieve-surrogacy-modernisation/

To ask if you've regretted surrogacy/struggled to bond?
To ask if you've regretted surrogacy/struggled to bond?
Freeballing · 16/05/2023 07:19

ChiChaNaYubi · 15/05/2023 21:59

Those human women are adults making a conscious decision. Stop infantilising women

I used to think think this then about 10 years ago I watched a documentary about surrogacy is India(commercial surrogacy has since been banned there). It was horrific. And lots of them were not adult women making a conscious decision, they were adult women whose husbands were forcing them into it. They pretty much held the women prisoner in hostel like accommodation throughout their pregnancy. It was barbaric, those women were just treated like baby making factories and Westerners would happily take advantage of them for a cheap baby kidding themselves that they were doing these women some kind of favour.

Achwheesht · 16/05/2023 07:23

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FannyCann · 16/05/2023 07:23

Posters suggesting OP gets counselling might like to wonder why this woman who was a surrogate mother for her sister needed weekly counselling throughout her pregnancy.

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/at-your-cervix/id1530617581?i=1000527762344

This blog discusses the podcast and another case of altruistic surrogacy between sisters.

stopsurrogacynowuk.org/2022/12/22/lets-talk-about-altruistic-surrogacy-from-co-founder-liz-purslow-long-read/

Achwheesht · 16/05/2023 07:24

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OhHolyJesus · 16/05/2023 07:34

Only on mumsnet do people act like people who use surrogates are evil monsters

Not been on Twitter, the Times or the Daily Mail comments then...

It should be everyone’s business when people are allowed to rent wombs. Why do you think there are such tight restrictions in this country?

I agree, but the right restrictions may not be the case of law reform goes ahead.

https://nordicmodelnow.org/2023/04/01/ask-your-mp-to-say-no-to-commercial-style-surrogacy-in-the-uk/

You are welcome to donate many parts of your body if you wish too.

Only when you are dead!

A Dr who chopped off a man's foot was quite rightly suspended. The man wanted his foot cut off.

Surrogacy is banned throughout Europe and limited even in countries like India which doesn't have a good reputation for women's rights (it can only be done between families and with medically proven infertility). When reform was proposed there women held silent protest so to be able to continue to 'use' their bodies in this way to make money. The government banned international surrogacy so to protect the female citizens from exploitation.

OP, I would direct you to this thread where links to a number of surrogacy threads where articles and studies can be found. Everything from permanent injury to death of the surrogate mother is recorded.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3782983-surrogacy-resource-thread-please-post-your-links-here

(There was a single father who regretted the surrogacy arrangement he had so much he had the baby adopted. It wasn't covered as a media story in the US where it happened as the narrative is that surrogacy is great. You have to do a lot of research to find stories of regret, but they are there.)

toomuchlaundry · 16/05/2023 07:43

The rights of a child born through surrogacy, egg donor, sperm donor should always come first rather than the parents.

I am adopted, I was adopted in the 60s when the rights of the birth mother and the child were pretty much ignored, it was all about the adoptive parents desire to have a child. At the time I was adopted I had no rights to have access to my original birth certificate. The law has now changed for a reason. The rights of a child who is adopted come first, they have a right to know who their birth parents were. It os recognised that children can suffer trauma from being adopted. Not saying adoption is bad as I have had a lovely life but there is a reason there is a lot more thought about the adopted child now.

The rules in respect of egg donor and sperm donor have also changed for the same reason.

The right of a child should always come first, and that applies to surrogacy too

BSB30 · 16/05/2023 07:56

@Achwheesht Only on MN could wanting to do a good deed be turned into narcissism. Good grief.

So every time you do something for someone out of the goodness of your heart, that means you are a narcissist? Every time you feel joy at bringing someone happiness, that means you're a narcissist?

If you actually knew me, you would realise how ridiculous your statements are.

Youknownorhing · 16/05/2023 07:57

Achweeshit
Strange argument.
Why are those issues specific to a child born to a surrogate ? As far as I'm aware those are issues much more likely to happen to children born conventionally.. where anyone can get casually knocked up on a one night stand with an entirely unsuitable partner. No planning, no financial security and no ability to or interest in parenting appropriately.

The parents I acted as surrogate to were very engaged at every stage. They will/have deal/dealt with any issues in the exact same way as any parent.

OhHolyJesus · 16/05/2023 07:57

To the women posting on here who have been surrogate mothers, can I ask, why did you do it?

Youknownorhing · 16/05/2023 08:05

*OhHolyJesus
*
*You are welcome to donate many parts of your body if you wish too.

Only when you are dead!*

Surely you cannot be this daft as to believe the statement you made here . ?
Never heard of Kidney donors?
Bone marrow Donor?
Blood donor ?

Pretty sure no one except religious weirdo's object to someone saving another humans life by donating a kidney ? but yet - choosing to lend my uterus to someone in order for them to have a child is the personification of evil ?

Youknownorhing · 16/05/2023 08:07

OhHolyJesus

Because I could.
Because it made the babies parents incredibly happy.

Bathintheshed · 16/05/2023 08:10

Youknownorhing · 16/05/2023 08:07

OhHolyJesus

Because I could.
Because it made the babies parents incredibly happy.

Could I ask how much therapy you have had? Do you have DC?

Youknownorhing · 16/05/2023 08:17

*Achweeshit

t'll be very interesting to hear from those children as adults how they feel about it all eh?
*
You really are superior being aren't you ? Not one with too much reading comprehension though !

I have been very careful not to put any time frames in. The children could all be adults now. They might not. What I can tell you is they are absolutely no different to any other child/adult. Perhaps because it's just not an issue and they don't spend their day obsessing about it . It's just not something they are pre-occupied by.

It's those that wish to project their own opinions on to others that have the issue - and perhaps the ones most in need of therapy.

Tandora · 16/05/2023 08:18

HolidayHankering · 15/05/2023 22:45

The baby is loved from conception by all involved. A baby will love and respond to WHOEVER shows and gives them love. They are not taken away from everyone and everything they have ever known. They are not traumatised. State your research to prove this.

I was loved from conception. I was separated from my mother and then had another mother.

Both mothers loved me completely. I loved both of them. I was securely attached to Mother 2, a child who knew my full origin story, explained in an age appropriate way.

Mother 2 would chat and sing to me when I was in Mother 1's womb. I knew both their voices. I knew I was madly loved right from the start.

The maternal separation from Mother 1 still left a deep and profound wound.

I feel guilty for even writing this because I loved them both so much, but the wound is still a fact.

Maternal separation leaves deep wounds, maybe not in every child but in plenty of us. It is a loss built in right from the very start.

Again, were you a child of surrogacy? If not, your experience is not of relevance to the OP.

Tandora · 16/05/2023 08:20

YouWonJayne · 15/05/2023 22:04

Yes I do - which is exactly why I object to surrogacy, as that’s what it does.

the only person apparently failing to understand that surrogates are people is you. 🤔