Infertility general chat/support thread

[Roo45]

Not sure if this exists already, but I wondered if people fancied a thread just to vent and/or talk about things that have happened in their day that have either caused them to get upset or think a certain way due to fertility issues, regardless of where you are in the journey.

I feel like my friends who haven't got through this could never understand how infertility affects pretty much every part of my life now!

For example today I attempted to cook something complicated for some family members, it's quite rare that I cook for others even before the pandemic and I only make simple meals for myself. Anyway everything that could go wrong did and what I managed to salvage was largely uneaten.
I told my DH maybe the universe thinks I shouldn't have children because I'm so undomestic and can't cook for other people!

@CurbsideProphet I'm sorry you guys are having such a tough time, it must be really heartbreaking to watch your DH struggle too. My DH (I don't think) struggles with this in the way that I do, it's probably a blessing in disguise but sometimes I feel so distant from him as he's just not affected by this in the way that I am. I hope your DH is having a better end to the week but sending hugs. xo

@Janey3090 @Roo45 totally get this, infertility changes the way you feel about those things. I get very irrationally annoyed at pregnant women hugging/scooping their bump in photos. I'm sure it feels like a natural thing to do but it really makes me rage 🤣

@CurbsideProphet I hope your partner is feeling a bit better now. My partner is ok, but I think the hardest thing for him is he worries about me. But he is very chilled, I'm the anxious one. The other thing is we haven't started IVF yet and I know it might get harder still if it doesn't work, like you have been through. The biggest issue we have right now is deciding whether to do an IVF round in November privately, or wait for January (funded round). I can't decide what to do, I think he would rather wait for the NHS one first but he'll do it if I want to.

@Janey3090 I avoid all the real life sm tbh. I stick to twitter mostly where I can't see friends and family and their amazing, fertile lives.

I have never been to a baby shower and I wouldn't ever have one, but I was never that person anyway, definitely wouldn't be now.

@bfnancy I'm honestly resentful. I didn't used to care but now I'm like ugh, whatever, yes you can all get pregnant easily, isn't that amazing! I just hate the unfairness of it all and I feel angry those other people are fine.

Tomorrow will be BFN no. 387468434984739 for me and I don't know whether to laugh or cry. It's been two years this month, I have to test tomorrow because I'm doing a medicated Letrozole cycle and I just know that shit will be negative.

@thislittlebird ohhhhh mate, BFN PTSD is a thing. It never gets easier. I'm so envious of people who pee on a stick and actually get two lines. If it is a BFN I will be raising an angry fist to the universe for you...silly universe

I think this might be the best thread on the internet. I could moan about smug pregnant people alllllllll day 🤣

Oh gosh yes I also feel the anger of the unfairness that other couples have no idea about this nightmare. It's awful but I even said to DH recently that I wish this could be happening to someone else and not me.

It's very isolating isn't it. It feels like looking through windows at other people having beautiful family lives in lovely happy homes, while we're out in the cold on our own.

@bfnancy it IS PTSD too. I don’t think people have a clue when it’s taken them a few months or a few weeks! I shake when I have to do it, I hate it. Because I know that shit will show me the same sad, little blank window of failure. I envy them too. I wonder at how people who are testing from about 4dpo even do it, worse still they enjoy it! I don’t get it, and it’s all so scarring. What I would like is for the BFN not to piss all over my Friday. But I know how it goes, usually it will involve 1-3 days of extreme sadness. Hopefully I can push it away and get on with my day.

Smug pregnant people do my nut in and I’m happy to say it.

@CurbsideProphet I’ve said that to DH before. He says ‘you don’t mean it’.....😐😐😐

Exactly, it’s like being at school but not invited to the table with all the normal kids, we get the long term sad bastard table, with a good view of the other tables having fun.

Totally agree with everyone!!

I'm so glad we can be honest in here. Obviously I can't say any of this to people IRL. They just don't understand.

I can’t say it @CurbsideProphet, but I can think it and type it. It’s frustrating tbh how we all kind of have to pretend we’re all fine outside of our homes. We aren’t fine.

Oh and btw, it’s my two year anniversary of never having a BFP 🥂

Honestly feels like I was another person back then. I had no idea of what I was getting into, even if I expected it could take a while because I was 36 when I started.

I worded that strangely. What I mean is we started trying in October 2019, and here I am two years later without a second line to show for it!

I hear you @thislittlebird , I was a different person before this too 😔 I miss that person. 2 whole years is a long time...such a long time to be carrying the weight of TTC & infertility with all its disappointment and grief. I'm so sorry you're in this sucky boat too. 💛

My hormones have destroyed me today...I have absolutely zero energy and my legs are aching like I've run a 10k (but according to Fitbit have done a grand total of 3310 steps haha!!) 👎🏻 silly uterus

We've been ttc since Nov 2019. One early miscarriage 2020, and this spring / summer one IVF embryo failed to implant, and one IVF embryo stopped growing at 6 weeks. I'm exhausted.

@bfnancy it really is a very shit boat.

I had a good cry last night. I didn’t when I got the bfn, but right before bed when I was tired it hit me.

@CurbsideProphet yeah, I bet. I haven’t even had to deal with the question of whether I have miscarriage issues yet, it’s all such a can of worms once you’re in the infertility game. My fear is my immune system because I have a number of immune issues. But I try not to think about it, I’m going to give the nhs round a go and see what happens.

Hi @CurbsideProphet you and I are in the same boat… I’m waiting for AF for an FET cycle with my only frozen embryo (of dubious quality), after a fresh transfer ended in loss over the summer. And my husband has gone back to bed not feeling well. It’s stress of it all. The emotional energy. I had a review meeting with Consultant and he was very optimistic, but I’m just not in a good headspace.

Since, I last posted, we’ve had a family member announce that she’s pregnant with baby due the same week that I would have been - I am really happy for her (she’s been down this road too), but it’s so so hard.

@bfnancy welcome to the thread, and I’m so sorry for your loss. Absolutely steer clear of any and all baby showers - you’re so right.
Netflix binges and social media / WhatsApp blackout has been the only way forward for me..

to everyone

How is everyone doing in terms of maintaining “fertility friendly” diets?? I cannot stop drinking coffee

I had been off it for months, but started drinking it again, and can’t seem to stop

@LucyLocket2021

How is everyone doing in terms of maintaining “fertility friendly” diets?? I cannot stop drinking coffee

I had been off it for months, but started drinking it again, and can’t seem to stop

It is so hard to keep up with it. I don't drink coffee but am a tea addict..I used to have 3-4 cups of tea everyday but I've now reduced it to 2 cups and try to keep 1 cup as decaf. I do slip up some days but am trying...also I read somewhere about nuts being fertility friendly and tried to introduce that into the diet but not very successful...I just don't like nuts.. it's so tough

@LucyLocket2021 I'm going for FET approx early December. Also had fresh transfer loss in the summer. This is our only frozen embryo, so we could end up back at the beginning 💔

Gosh yes the emotional energy to just keep going. Hope your DH is ok. Mine is struggling too. We've been for a trip out and good walk today. I find being out in the countryside very good for my MH.

I'm not succumbing to the diets. It's too much. I'm back having homemade veg soup for lunch. For main meal I'm adding in extra veg to things like bolognese and casserole. Trying to have fresh fish twice a week.

I had a look at some of the diets online and I would be completely miserable. I mean, I'm miserable already, but if I only allowed myself to eat salad, tofu, and linseeds it would finish me off 😬

@seekingsolace2 I really like nuts in chocolate... Maybe there's some nutritional value there?!

Sorry to hear how awful people are feeling on this thread. I remember the feelings of depression and anger so well. I had been trying since 2012, then had a ruptured ectopic in 2016. Two years later (after more infertility) we did ivf. I was very lucky and my fresh transfer worked.

I’m just about to do a FET round now (my last embryo) and some of those feelings are starting to come back. For instance my best friend is currently pregnant and has depression because she wanted a boy but had found out she’s having a girl. I think if it was 2018 I would have had to avoid her as I was so angry and depressed. I used to avoid pregnant people and I also used to get angry at pregnant woman holding their bumps. Once I was pregnant I refused to have a baby shower, deleted my social media etc as I didn’t want to make anyone else sad. However, I now realise that I missed out on so many happy times because of my past grief so I’m trying to put those feelings aside and trying to be happy for others and to understand that it’s not always as rosy as it seems for other people, because it will ultimately make me feel happy.

Also when one is pregnant it’s a very natural instinct to hold your bump- pregnant woman aren’t doing it to be smug. I’m not sure any pregnant woman is smug to be honest. It’s a pretty scary time being pregnant.

I’m not saying this to minimise anyone’s feelings or to be patronising, I totally understand those feelings and they’re normal. It’s just that I spent a lot of time focusing my energy on negative thoughts about other pregnant people and the thought of that happening to me again is terrifying. I really don’t want to go down that road again especially if my FET doesn’t work.

Sounds like you’ve been through all of this before, so you know where we’re coming from @FETOCT2021, fingers crossed your next FET goes well.

I really do think there’s a difference and I’m hesitant to even reply because I don’t want to argue. My sisters, my nieces, my friends...were they anxious during pregnancy? Sure, but for the most part they just got to be normal, do normal things, enjoy as much as they could, tell people, get excited, plan for the future. I can’t do any of that, so my feelings about pregnant women and dads pushing prams and baby showers are very real, even if they make no sense to other people who have kids. I don’t think a post-infertility pregnancy is comparable to someone at the other end of the spectrum who might have tried for one month and never had any issues, or fell pregnant accidentally. There’s a reason women suffer from PND after this shit. All the women in my life know they can have kids, they know they can get pregnant, they know they can have a family. I have no idea if that will ever happen for me. I’m ultimately going to carry all of this trauma forever and they will never know that. They may have other trauma, I know a friend who lost her baby son, and she will never have a ‘normal’ pregnancy again amongst much other trauma, but being angry with the world, or upset at the unfairness is ok, I wouldn’t want people to think they should have to censor themselves on here. There’s very few places we’re allowed to be angry or honest about the rage, the unfairness, the futility, the time lost, the fear of all this, after all. We have to pretend it’s fine in ‘real life’ and on social media.

I don’t know if I will ever have the happiness other people do after all of this and I hope I can, but I can’t say I want to be positive about the situation, I’m depressed. 🤷‍♀️ But I understand you feel differently, and you have a different perspective now, we don’t have that.

Your friend sounds sort of insensitive, but then I say that from the perspective of infertility, my sister was similar when she found out she was having a second boy and if that was now and not 25 years ago I would probably not take it well.

@CurbsideProphet @LucyLocket2021 I’m sorry your DH’s are struggling. I feel quite lucky mine is ok because with two of us like me in the house it would be a very sad place. I did speak to him last night about how it might be harder if the IVF fails and I’m scared about that. People just keep going and going in this situation and the years tick by, honestly don’t know how so many people persist.

@seekingsolace2 I struggle with the diet stuff and find it hard to keep it up. I tried more of it a few months ago but pretty much don’t bother now, but I still take my supplements and probably drink way too much tea and coffee. I’m kind of the attitude that if it’s going to go on for years there’s no point in fretting about that kinda thing, I’ll just make myself more miserable.

@LucyLocket2021 and @CurbsideProphet, you sound in a similar boat to me. We’ve just had a loss a few weeks ago which was our first successful transfer - it’s so awful. We’ve got one frozen left and then that’s it for us we think. It’s a day 6 so not awesome. We’d like to go again as soon as possible so consultant has said to do a baseline scan on first period and see if ok or if we need to wait - so now just waiting to see when that might be! Hopefully FET in Dec. We’re having clexane and aspirin added this time to see if it makes any difference.

@FETOCT2021 I mean this politely, but this is the only place where I can speak openly about how I feel. I don't want to have to censor myself here too. I'm not jealous of other women's pregnancies. I'm not angry if they hold their bumps. I want my own. It's a reminder for me that I may never have a pregnancy that leads to a baby. This is a devastating prospect.

I'm not focusing my energy on negative thoughts about pregnant women. My energy is focused on getting through each minute of each day, managing the grief my losses and the life we should have, and attempting to do my job (which is listening to other people's problems on the phone).

I appreciate you have your own valid worries, but you are in a completely different mindset. We're here facing the prospect of never having a child and having no one IRL who understands this. We need to be able to type our thoughts into this thread knowing that there are other women who understand, especially if we're having a bad day and are raging against this world and everyone in it.

I really don't mean any offence, but please give us a break. I have no one IRL who has the tiniest concept of what I'm going through. If I can't be honest in here I'm just walking around with it in my own head.

@Faerun 💐💐💐💐
I'm so sorry for your situation.
It's heartbreaking isn't it to get that BFP after such a miserable struggle, then suddenly it's all over.
Everything crossed for you.
Today I started my 2nd period since miscarriage surgery. We'll hopefully be doing FET with my next period.
I paid to have the thrombophilia screening for recurrent miscarriage and apparently my blood clots normally. There's not much else I can do really 😬

@CurbsideProphet 💛💛💛💛💛💛

@FETOCT2021 I really, really hope for all of us in this situation, that one day we get to know how natural holding your bump feels and think "oh how irrational we were". But right now I'm so far from that place and I just had another BFN so I'm just gonna simmer in some more irrationality/negativity for a while longer if that's okay with everyone 🙃

Sorry for your loss @Faerun 💐. I really don’t know how you guys cope with the ivf bfn or loss, it’s just all so very hard. I haven’t had to face that yet and I know it will be harder if/when yet another intervention fails.

I saw this and thought of, well, everyone here 🙃