Infertility general chat/support thread

[Roo45]

Not sure if this exists already, but I wondered if people fancied a thread just to vent and/or talk about things that have happened in their day that have either caused them to get upset or think a certain way due to fertility issues, regardless of where you are in the journey.

I feel like my friends who haven't got through this could never understand how infertility affects pretty much every part of my life now!

For example today I attempted to cook something complicated for some family members, it's quite rare that I cook for others even before the pandemic and I only make simple meals for myself. Anyway everything that could go wrong did and what I managed to salvage was largely uneaten.
I told my DH maybe the universe thinks I shouldn't have children because I'm so undomestic and can't cook for other people!

@Roo45 oh wow I bet the architecture was lovely there 😍 Episode 1 was quite long (1 hour 45 mins) including adverts. The remaining ones look under 1 hour. Just a warning so you're not put off!
Thank you 💐

@CurbsideProphet where is it on?

Hospital messed up my bloods today. I got home and asked when I would hear about a scan and they called to say they took the wrong bloods 🙃. 4 trains, 15k steps and a couple of trips to pret later I’m on my way home again.

Talking of trips, I’m very annoyed by how much of the world is ruled out for me by Zika right now. We wanted to spend some money we’ve saved on a nice trip if the Ivf cycle isn’t awful and we get some embryos but obviously it could be ongoing for a long time so I can’t go to lots of places I’d like to go to.

Europe is where we’ll end up, was looking at villas with a private pool in Kefalonia. Want to avoid families/kids/loud people lol. Could also go to NZ or the US maybe. But most likely Europe for a relaxing beachy holiday.

@thislittlebird it's on Sky Showcase (I think). We have BT so I watched it through Now TV. Mad isn't it that when ch5 came out I thought "wow a whole 5 TV channels" and now I've got more than I will ever watch.

Oh christ that's a palaver and a half for you 😬 at least it got resolved today and you didn't have to go tomorrow.

A relaxing holiday at a villa with private pool would be just amazing 🙏🏻 I know what you mean about being cautious where to go. Plus it's so difficult to make any plans with IVF.

@thislittlebird even Europe sounds amazing! There might be a few Zika free places in Carribbean too if I remember correctly maybe an adults only resort? A relaxing beach holiday sounds amazing! We haven't been abroad in 2 years with covid and then taking time off to isolate for IVF, looking forward to a holiday in summer hopefully!
Good luck tomorrow @CurbsideProphet x

@Roo45 we scoured the list and decided Seychelles because it’s zika free (most islands are, but not many Caribbean from what I read) and then realised it’s also not advised to have travel injections for all sorts of things so just decided to stick to Europe.

@CurbsideProphet I don’t have sky, damn! A villa with a private pool sounds great doesn’t it? We’re going to try to do it if we can.

Definitely get those holidays booked CP and Roo, I think we all deserve it!

I had JUST got back home too, a palaver and a half!

Has anyone else had a relationship breakdown due to infertility issues and the stress of trying to conceive? I feel like I've lost my chance now to ever be a mum 😞

So sorry to read that @EmptyCC 💐

@EmptyCC I haven't, but I think we all know how stressful it can be. I'm sorry it's had such an impact on your relationship, feel free to talk if you need to.

@EmptyCC so sorry to hear this, infertility causes a massive strain on relationships. Definitely had arguments with my partner over this. Here if you ever need to talk, I might also suggest if you haven't already to maybe consider a counsellor depending on the situation?x

@EmptyCC so sorry to hear that. As a PP suggested, have you tried a counsellor? It’s really bloody tough and shouldn’t be underestimated. Be kind to yourself

I do think that the impact that difficulties conceiving and IVF have on a relationship are not really spoken about. DH and I have had to talk about things that I imagine "ordinary couples" wouldn't even be able to comprehend.

We are given 3 free counselling sessions per cycle but then that was it. Our clinic hasn't asked if we are coping after I miscarried in the summer, our FET in December was cancelled, and now that it has gone ahead. I cried in the procedure room after my transfer last week and neither the doctor or nurse asked if we needed any support over the next 11 days.

Luckily we are able to pay for more counselling at the moment and have a session tomorrow, but I imagine for a lot of couples it would be too much of an expense on top of everything else.

Hi everyone! I hope you don't mind me joining.
I am feeling really down today and would like to vent a bit as well as to ask your opinion.

We have been TTC since Jan 2020 and have been on the ICSI journey since Jan 2021. I am 35, my DH 36. I had one fresh and one FET failed cycles, got OHSS during the 2. ICSI in Dec. Last month I also lost a family member who has been really sick in the last 11 years.
I am now waiting for the FET which is going to happen this Wednesday. Until today I was very optimistic about this cycle and believe me it is really hard for me.

I have a team member at work who is in her late 20s. She recently got pregnant and honestly I have no problem with that. No one knows my ICSI journey at work. Also it is not like she is gonna wait for me to get pregnant anyways... Plus she keeps it very low profile. My issue is with our manager. She is few years older than me. She has been TTC for approx. 7 years now. Even though I now can relate what she has been through, I cannot have so much compassion for her because she is extremely reflective. I think she supposed to have ET last week and probably it didn't go well. That is why she drained our energy and sucked the life out of us again during the meeting... We also cannot mention anything about other colleagues' baby otherwise her face changes so drastically. In the last few years she was leaving the room etc. when someone shared pregnancy news and was extremely rude to us during her cycles. At some point I had to tell her that she doesn't have right to reflect this on us.

I mean I am going through the same thing and choose not to kill other people's positive "vibes". I usually take a sick leave for few days to stay away from people, cry it out and get back on my feet.
On the other hand, I am also scared that I will end up like her, become a bitter woman and kill everyone's happy moments with a sad/angry face and snarky comments. I sometimes wanna scream "I also go through the same thing! I also failed! I also lost 10.000€ to ICSI! This is not an excuse!". But I absolutely don't want to share my issues with her or with other colleagues.

At this point what can I do to protect myself mentally? I avoid talking to her. I work pretty independently anyways.
I sometimes feel like I will end up like her because I don't have compassion for her situation and karma will hit me. How can I change this state of mind? Any suggestions?

Welcome @Cayandsimit 👋🏻
That sounds so difficult, especially as it seems like you're all working together in an office?
I imagine your boss could be in absolute turmoil and miserable every second of her life, wishing that she could just be at home under her duvet. Maybe she finds work and IVF such a stressful combination but she has to stay for financial reasons.
Or she could be a generally self centered and uninterested in other people, regardless of going through IVF and ttc.

Tbh some days I just get through each second at a time and generally can't even consider the future. I find counselling really helpful, mainly because she's so kind and reaffirms how hard this whole thing is.

I don't think we can be prepared for how we will manage further along. All we can do is try to notice in ourselves when we're not coping and talk to someone - partner, counsellor, on here.

Hope tomorrow goes smoothly for you 💐 I had my FET last Thursday.

@cayandsimit I agree long term I don't think we can predict how we will feel as none of us know what will happen in the future, both in relation to infertility and other life events. But I think recognising how you feel right now is quite good and an awareness of how you don't want to end up. I have listened to infertility podcasts and they often recommend practising gratitude mindfulness etc. Is there anything you can do to make the work day more enjoyable so it's easier to be around her? (Might not be possible lol)
It does sound like a difficult situation and I guess keeping distance from anyone who makes you feel negative is the best thing.
Good luck at @CurbsideProphet x

Is it ok if I join? Had a really hard day today and can’t sleep.

I’m in my late 30’s and have been at this for years. Long spells of infertility with a few miscarriages thrown in. They think they finally know the issue - mild adenomyosis with immune issues - and there’s a protocol we can try of down regulation before transfer and steroids / blood thinners to try and prevent miscarriage.

We’ve spent the last while doing IVF batching cycles to try and get some normal embryos and I’m about to head into the third cycle. Problem is my period is really late, I’m on day 41 now. I was avoiding doing a pregnancy test as I was sure it would be negative and just upset me, but I tested today and sure enough, negative.

I think in the back of my mind I had this crazy notion it would be some miracle pregnancy and it’s brought up loads of emotions I usually try and stifle just to get through the days. My husband was upset by it too and we had a long chat tonight about how broken we are, how scared we are about the future, how everyone we know has kids now. He has a new job and when they go out for drinks he realises he’s surrounded by people younger than him. Everyone our age and older has rushed home to their families. It’s like we’re out of step with society now.

Anyway sorry for indulging me, I just needed to vent. Hope I haven’t depressed you all.

Thank you for your messages @CurbsideProphet & @Roo45. I actually wrote to Mumsnet to get my message deleted. Even though they confirmed, somehow they didn't remove it...
Honestly, I felt bad about complaining about someone who is going through the same thing for a much longer period of time. Plus, we mostly work from home. I think the issue is mostly about my fears and not so much about her sucking out our life energy in the meetings. I will try to avoid anyone who can pull me down from now on and try to focus on my ET today.

@ifitistobesaid we are also in the same situation. We only have a couple of friends to hang out with... We are lucky that one couple wants to live a child-free life and we openly shared with them what we are going through. They are very supportive. We have also a couple of friends in their late 20s and haven't had children yet but probably will in a couple of years. It is just painful and unfortunately I haven't found any remedies yet... I can only share your pain and send you virtual hugs 💕

Don't worry @Cayandsimit there's absolutely no judgement here 💐

@Ifitistobesaid it's so hard when so many of our friends have children. All of DH's friends are parents. Every single one of them. My best friend is single and doesn't want children. She is my "safe" friend.
DH and I also talk about it. I think that's important, rather than you both worrying away to yourselves.
Honestly you can say anything in here. The likelihood is that we're all going through the same 💐 As @Cayandsimit said we all share the pain with you 💐

@CurbsideProphet @Cayandsimit

Thank you both. It feels very heavy in this house this morning. The late period has really thrown me as i thought I would be done with this cycle by now and instead i have no idea when it will even start.

I know I should talk about it more, I did try counselling once but didn’t really like the counsellor so didn’t go back. But this emotion has nowhere to go.

My first miscarriage was over three years ago and I have been sad every day since. It’s no way to live.

I’m sorry you all have to know this pain too.

@Ifitistobesaid 💐💐💐💐
I'm two years on from my first miscarriage. It can feel a never ending miserable heartbreak.
The one thing we do is make plans to do nice things. Not big extravagant plans, but achievable ones like a plan to sort out the garden during annual leave, to go on walks that we like, to watch a film from Netflix next week, to have a really nice pizza at the weekend. It probably sounds a bit silly, but helps remind us that we can still have nice times together amongst all crap.

I've previously had counselling where I didn't feel comfortable with the woman and that nearly put me off too. We have a counsellor who specialises in fertility which is much better. We also do it at home over zoom because of Covid but that also works better for me, as I sit on my sofa with my blanket and feel like I can be more honest.

@ifitistobesaid I am so sorry that you had a miscarriage. Unfortunately loosing a baby never gets easy. Also hormone levels dropping due to a delayed period makes everything much harder of course...

I second @CurbsideProphet's suggestions. Planning a holiday, dinner etc. for the future can at least keep you busy and hopeful. We choose to book vacations outside of school holiday times in adult only hotels. So don't need to be surrounded by random kids and torture ourselves.

I have never been to counseling and find it difficult to open up to a professional who might have never been in my shoes. I have been on this forum since Nov 21 and it really helps me with processing my emotions. Almost everyone is so kind and in a similar situation. I really appreciate everyone's support. So, you can always write in this thread to vent.

I hope you can take it easy today and try to do at least one thing to pamper yourself 💐

@CurbsideProphet @Cayandsimit
You’re right, it is about having little things to look forward to. This is almost like living with a chronic condition where you have to manage the symptoms rather than find a cure. I might go to the cinema this weekend, that’s one of the only times I can totally focus on something else.

I’m speaking to the doctor tomorrow about what to do about this missed period so that will help too.

Hope you’re both having ok days.

@Ifitistobesaid our counsellor actually suggested we do this. It doesn't take the pain away but it means we do take time to do something nice every day - even if that nice thing is to watch something on telly we both like. Even if we both feel rubbish we'll say "we haven't done anything nice yet today so we'll start rewatching Taskmaster again".

Thanks for the tips about the trigger shot ladies. Did anyone else feel rough as rats afterwards? Constant nausea isn’t fun. Hope you’ve all had a good day

I’ve got to do my IVF trigger shot tonight @ChocolatePotCafe. Not looking forward to potentially feeling rough after, although I was fine when I took ovitrelle for ovulation induction.