MFI support thread

[TheBeesKnee]

Firstly apologies if this already exists. I had a look and couldn't find anything.

I've name changed as I feel like I have maybe been found out under my usual username, or maybe it's the paranoia settling in!

I'm late 20s, TTC 1 year.

I have been driving myself insane: stopped drinking alcohol, started eating dairy and fish was a hardened vegan for 10 years, stopped drinking caffeine, tried Brazil nuts, fertility smoothies and pineapple cores.

Nothing worked because it turns out that DP is effectively infertile, possibly due to a historical varicocele. We thought that may have been a factor but GP waved us away with "not necessarily - and anyway, you haven't been trying that long!" So we got a private sperm analysis and the results were Not Good.

However, DP got a (relatively) speedy referral to a urologist and after a few back and forths has had surgery on the affected vein. He's recovering, but we won't see "results" for at least 3 months as obviously sperm take 70 days to produce, although the testosterone production is supposed to be fixed/affected almost immediately.

Even then, research shows that only 30-50% of men with successful surgeries went on to conceive in the 12 months following the op, so my hours are not high. I mostly just feel that I will never be pregnant or have a baby, I'm convinced that next we'll find out that something is horribly wrong with me.

DP is being great. He says that we can look at donor sperm if this doesn't work, he wouldn't deny me the opportunity to be a mother. This just makes me cry, I have been very weepy the last few months.

Anyway, I thought it would be good to speak to others also affected by MFI as I feel very lonely and isolated as no one in real life knows that we are TTC, never mind that we're having issues.

Sorry for essay!!

Hi @TheBeesKnee sorry to hear things are still tough. I understand your DP reluctance to do the test - it’s the kind of thing where you don’t want to know in case it’s bad news. Can you try persuade him to do it as regardless of good or bad results at least you will know where you stand and whether you’ll keep trying naturally if it’s improved or next steps if it hasn’t!

Sorry to hear about the back pain too. I read that was a very rare side effect - has it been very bad for him?

My DH is having his procedure on Monday. I’m very worried about it and that he will get side effects. It’s funny I charge headlong into procedures myself (I had a Biopsy just last week under sedation) but I’m very frightened that he will have a lot of pain / side effects long term. Argh it’s all so stressful!!!

Wishing you DH all the best @Steenac71 for Monday. Is he having the embolisation? My DH was sore for maybe a week but since then has been absolutely fine! Tbh we’ve not noticed any change in consistency/volume etc since he had the procedure so no idea if it has actually changed anything!
Welcome @thefishthatcouldwish will you be using donor sperm? I can’t even imagine how hard that must be for your DH!
My DH has said he wants us to start timing BDing again with ovulation but as we are only 7/8 weeks since his op it feels sort of pointless to try too hard this soon!
@TheBeesKnees I understand your DH reluctance to not go for the follow up SA. It must be scary to think that they’ve gone through that for no change.

Probablypertunia - yes we are going down donor sperm route as it’s the only option for us.

Thanks @ProbablyPertunia - it’s the embolisation he’s getting. He’s been great about it. Very positive about getting it done.

When does your DH retest? We are going to retest and go straight into another cycle end Feb/Start of March so exactly 3 months later.

How are you @TheBeesKnee

How’s everyone feeling about Christmas? It gets harder every year! With not going again until March /April it means no baby In 2020 either.

It is very hard on time.

My job is a setting leader working with pre school age children.

They are all so excited about Christmas which is lovely but makes me so down.

I too worked out no baby next year but maybe just maybe could be expecting .

@Steenac72 we are testing end of Jan and then again in April and will decide once we have those 6/7 month results when we will start the IVF process. We are going to be going fully healthy and eating "fertility" diets from January. Which means no caffeine, alcohol, sugar etc.

Hi all, just to update - DH had the op. He was away for ages then I heard a nurse say to another that she couldn’t my him in recovery so by the time he returned I think I needed to lie down on the bed more than him!!!! Our dynamic definitely works better when I’m getting the ops and he is in minding mode. I ended up crying with the worry and him having to comfort me. Oops!!

Anyway he took the painkillers etc he was given and only had one day of a bit of pain. Otherwise he’s totally fine - which on the flip side makes me worry it didn’t work. We will be testing in Feb to see if any improvements!

@TheBeesKnee How is your DH? I hope he’s feeling better!

@Steenac72 oh I'm glad to hear your DH is doing so well! How long was he in surgery for? My DH was back within an hour so surprised to hear yours was away for so long!
I'm between 10 and 13 dpo today, been getting some twinges around both my ovaries for the last 4 days which is really unusual for me but I'm sure is absolutely nothing!

He was gone for 4 hours then nurses couldn't find him in recovery hence why I was completely losing the plot!!!

Fingers crossed the twinges mean something. We are going to try naturally Dec, Jan, Feb but more for the sake of it. From Jan we'll be a full ivf boot camp.

I'm starting fertility reflexology next week too.

Do you do anything like that?

Hope everyone else is getting on ok.

@Steenac72 oh wow I would have been exactly the same!
I tried reflexology and acupuncture for a few months before we knew that it was MFI causing our issues but I don't do anything now.
My DH will be starting acupuncture in Jan as it's also meant to be able to help the men and I'm going to try relax a bit more and increase my exercise but that's about it!

Bloody hell Steenac72 how do they manage to lose a patient?!

Christmas is cancelled as we are having our bathroom and kitchen done. Living on a building site. This is Christmas #2 with no baby or pregnancy. My SIL told me she was in labour while I was dealing with an early period. TBF I shouldn't have been on my phone and the toilet at the same time, but I was annoyed and trying to check exactly how early AF was 5 days and her message popped up. I cried a lot then ignored her photos of the newborn all evening because I just couldn't cope. I was hormonal on top of everything and it was just too much - I was thinking we're both experiencing cramps right now, the parallels were horrific in my mind.

Once the house is done and I have a shower I will go to the gym as I am now overweight and I know what excess fat can affect fertility.

I just feel so resigned and numb. Tomorrow I have to go and buy a new baby card for SIL so let's see if I can manage that without puking or crying.

Hi @TheBeesKnee sorry to hear things are tough. Christmas no #3 with no pregnancy or baby here - and over two years mark of ttc - which coincides with our wedding anniversary so that’s a fun dampener on the celebrations.

I am also now overweight and that’s pre Christmas. So I am going to be on a strict diet come Jan and need to start exercising. I’ve lined up yoga and fertility reflexology and am going to join a gym too.

We are going to Tenerife for most of Christmas just to get away. My poor DH is dealing with Christmas without both his parents this year too so it’s very tough.

Have you thought about a counsellor/mindfulness/talking to someone about how you are feeling? I had an absolutely melt down to my DH (not ideal) two weeks ago but I feel more focused and less anxious (well a little less anxious) since. So it must help to offload. You sound like you are feeling very stressed and everything is magnified at Christmas.

We’ve had no births luckily- that must be very tough - but two close friends and my DB announced they’re expecting and babies all due end May so that will be a tough time.

I hate that there will be no baby in 2020 for us - 2021 at earliest if all works with next ivf in March/April and that’s not a given either.

@Steenac72 @TheBeesKnee it feels a bit like we are all in a very similar place right now. We have only been actively trying for a year but haven't had any contraception since May 18 so probably realistically more like 18 months.
One of my work friends in my team has just told me she is pregnant (5 weeks) and I'm surprised with myself but it's the best I've reacted for a pregnancy announcement in months! She had a miscarriage earlier this year and had been trying for over a year so she really does deserve it!
I'm sad we won't have a 2020 baby as well. I was born in 1990, my dad 1960 and my nan 1930 and I really wanted to continue with the pattern but I guess it's not meant to be!

Steenac72 Third Christmas, wow. I'm sorry. It's incredible how one thing can cast such a dark shadow on otherwise happy occasions.

Re weight - I was fine when I started this nonsense. I have 9kg to lose, what about you?

I probably should talk to someone because my current strategy appears to be to drink a lot and cry at people which is not great. I am stressed but I don't think paying someone to say "that sounds difficult; that must be tough" etc will help. Money is tight as we are renovating and the boiler is slowly dying so that's an additional cost that has to come from somewhere.

Speaking of Christmas, today I dug out some cards that I bought in a flush of absolute delusion at the start of the year. They are beautiful nativity scenes which say A Child Is Born on the cover and I think I bought them with some vague kind of plan to use them because I was so suuuuurrreeeee I'd be pregnant by this Christmas. But alas, no. Not sure what to do with them now. We were supposed to visit SIL and the new baby but I don't know if I can face it. I don't mind older children because they look more like individuals and show signs of a personality, but babies are a whole different ball game. Does anyone else feel that way?

I hate that there will be no baby in 2020 for us - 2021 at earliest if all works with next ivf in March/April and that’s not a given either.

It's awful, isn't it? You can feel time slipping by and it's so frustrating knowing that there is nothing you can do about it. of course we can all hope for a miracle.

ProbablyPertunia

It's bizarre how we start to think about things - as though babies are awards/prizes to be won and deserved and not just the result of all the stars aligning, biologically speaking.

I love patterns, that would have been nice to continue.

Hi everyone, hope it's ok to join in? I am on a couple of other threads but saw this one...my husband had an infection in his brain and due to the damage we can't conceive naturally, and his body doesn't make sperm anymore. I am really well, fertility wise.

Have just undergone our first IVF cycle, after 3 failed IUIs (one ended in a cp). Have had two transfers - first one was cp and I just got a BFP on the second. I tested early, so holding my breath until test day. We are using donor sperm, and my husband is the sweetest man. If we don't have a baby...I'm just glad I have him. Hope you are all well and it's ok to jump on here. xxx

@TheBeesKnee you sound like you have been having a very tough time. Take time to look after you mental health. Long walks have helped me when I feel alone.

I feel like I have pushed away my friends all have either had a baby or been pregnant this last year and that has been very tough.

For our 30th ( my friends and I are school friends). we all said about getting a house ( child free) then it turned into kids and parents. I had a panic attack and pulled out I couldn’t do it to myself. I haven’t met my friends babies which I feel terrible about.

Christmas really is hard because you or at least I think about what should be here by now.

My job involves pre school age children and they are so excited which is bitter sweet.

@Maggie272 welcome:.

@TheBeesKnee yes I have been a size 10 my whole life - now my size 14 jeans are getting tight - all since starting to ttc. It’s horrible. I need to lose around 21lbs need to decide how to do it. My goal is to be a stone down by our next ivf in March.

Do you have a good friend you could offload to in real life? - I am just saying this as your words really resonate with how I was feeling a month or so ago - I felt like I was on the edge of complete hysteria and losing it!!! I didn’t even realise how tightly wound I was until I had my meltdown and it did help and made me realise I need to be a bit more proactive about looking after myself both physically and mentally. (Sorry if you’re not feeling like this and I’ve gotten it wrong!)

If you don’t have a friend you could rant to then I do think a one off fertility counsellor session might help you just get it off your chest and cry etc in a protected environment - regardless of what they might say back to you you could just use it to offload and you never know they might give you a strategy to help when your thoughts go off on one (as mine tend to do!)

Sorry to hear everyone is struggling around other kids and babies! I have been lucky in that since we started trying none of our friends have had babies!! They either had just had them before we started trying or were getting married themselves - so I’m dreading how I will deal with it this year with 4 on the way already and three of my closest friends told me they are starting to try so there will be no avoiding it!!!

I do give myself some slack now though. When DH told me his friends were expecting I waited until I felt up to messaging the wife who I am friendly with until I felt I could do it. I tried to do it straight away but couldn’t bring myself to so just said to myself ok just leave it for a few days. And I have already told people absolutely no baby showers will be attended by me. I draw the line at those.

I have no answers for anyone! I guess all we can hope for is a peaceful Christmas.

I really really hope this is ok me posting, but I've just got my first ever BFP.
I cannot tell you how shocked and confused I am as we're only 2 months post op today!
Can't tell you how much I want this for all of us and there is the chance you guys who's DHs had varicoceles could fall without IVF!
My DH had awful SA results before the op, 800k/ml so I honestly think there is hope for everyone.

Congrats @positivelypetunia - that’s some result two months post op! Fingers crossed everything goes smoothly for you! Was the Varicoele very prominent on your DH? I wonder if it’s super larger and noticeable whether that means a correspondingly large improvement in sperm quantity afterwards which could have made the difference?

Did you ever get your DNA frag tested? Ours was very bad (52%) so part of me is worried that if it did happen naturally we’d be high risk for miscarriage.

Good to get some good news on this thread

@Steenac72 yeah it was pretty obvious to feel but I wouldn't say you could see it.
We didn't get DNA frag done and it's something I am worried about to be honest, but I can't do anything about it now so will just have to wait and see!

My DH tried everything, all the supplements under the sun, stopped drinking coffee, drank more water etc etc. All his sample ahowed 0 sperm, no physical issues could be found, they said no blockage and immediately told us to think donor sperm as there was a 0% chance of him having a biological child - very poorly delivered news to DH and me by the consultant. Off to Greece we went, they said they were confident they would find sperm using Micro-TESE and that we could have a biological child. Our 3 month old biological child is sleeping right now in his cot. We still have a couple of frozen vials of sperm in case we want to go back for further children.

@ProbablyPertunia It’s fantastic it worked so quickly! Sorry I didn’t mean to bring up DNA frag to scare you I was just wondering if you’d tested for it.

Reading back on what you said re 2020 baby and your family birth dates sounds like it’s a bit meant to be congratulations!

Hi All, sorry I’ve been MIA for a while, I’ve been struggling with anxiety so I tried staying off the internet but actually not having knowledge and the ability to research made me more anxious!!

Congratulations @ProbablyPertunia that’s such lovely news to have on here! Hearing about BFPs from people who are in the same boat/ have struggled with fertility issues are fantastic to hear! 😊

I had a horrendous experience recently which contributed to the anxiety when i went out for dinner with a few friends who all know we are going to need IVF to have children. 3 of the girls either had just had their first baby or were due in the next month. (All pregnant first effing month of trying of course!!!!!) As they spent the whole evening talking about babies and pregnancy, one of the non pregnant girls said that she can’t wait to start trying once she is married next year but she’s convinced that she will be “one of those that takes ages to get pregnant or can’t get pregnant at all”. The others reassured her that “oh no it’s really easy to get pregnant, don’t be worrying about that!!” They all know I’ve been trying for 2 years. 🙄

I drove home with a mixture of screaming with anger and then sobbing. How I didn’t walk out on the meal I don’t know, but I won’t be putting myself in that situation again.

@Steenac72 I’m the same that I have avoided baby showers, you need to protect yourself! I’ve coped much better when I’ve seen an announcement on Facebook or by text than in person.
I’ve had 12 pregnancy announcements this year so far. Some I’ve dealt with ok. Some I’ve been an emotional mess. But i get most of it out of my system and then message them to say congratulations!

However after a doom and gloom message I do have some positive news! I’ve been having appointments at Leeds fertility, they’ve said we need ICSI (could have told you that last March!!), I’ve had my first meeting with the “fanny scanner” as I’m going to call it, and we have a follow up appointment tomorrow where fingers crossed they don’t want any more tests and we can start ICSI in the new year!!

I’ve been enjoying catching up with everyone’s posts and seeing where everyone is up to!
I hope that everyone has a lovely Christmas and takes it easy on themselves, enjoy time with families and fingers crossed it will be all our last without a bump or a baby! Xx

Hi @Embri good to hear from you! That sounds very tough re your friends - even those with the best of intentions can be absolute morons!!! My very best friend today I sent a picture of my new bath tray saying she should get one and she wrote back saying oh you’re so lucky my bath is filled with rubber ducks and kids toys - I was like eh you know we’ve been trying Over 2 years and one failed ivf. Did you say to any of them afterwards you found it hurtful? It could be worth saying it. Myself and my DH have found that unless someone is in the exact situation they don’t get it and almost always end up saying something tactless.

That’s good new about ICSI! Will you start in Jan? I’m going again in March! And if it fails we will go intensively after that. Only did one last year how it worked out.