Almost 37, too fat for fertility treatment desperate and running out of time.

[Theconifers25]

Things are particularly hard today.
I’ve locked myself in the bathroom to silently fall apart, I don’t know why it’s all so painful today.

Sometimes I feel I don’t want to go on and can’t imagine life without a child.

I’ve left it all too late.
I’ve come down in weight from 20st 4 in January to 16 st 4 now.

I need a BMI of 35 max as in my area women over 37 years old can be accepted for fertility treatment at higher bmi.

I sort of know it won’t work for me though.
Been trying to conceive naturally for 5 years.

I’m s fat failure. Everyone asking me what’s going on, I’m too ashamed to spell it out to them and even my partner that my weight has huge amount to do with my failure.

I think only one cycle of ivf will be offered if I ever meet criteria. My body has failed me and I’ve failed my body, ivf would probably not work, also given I’m nearly 37yrs old means my best window has been missed.
I feel my only option won’t work.
Is there any options after this.
I try to read the threads but don’t understand the accromins.
I’m rambling and feel sick for the future, I just want a baby . I don’t even know what I’m asking.
Gp tests were fine for both me and partner.
My mum had early menopause at 36 but don’t know if it was brought on premature by some gyne surgery.

[Theconifers25]

Yes he said due to lack of cyst from a trans vaginal ultrasound and blood tests.

When pcos was diagnosed by another gyne 5 years previous to that cysts were abscent then but due to facial hair and period patterns diagnosis was made.
Given metforfim which I took for 6 months max.

I can see how I’m coming across, I’m normally a very good advocate for myself and if u knew me in real life you wouldn’t think this was the same person posting now.

It just this morning I feel like o have broken down and reached peek infertility.

I can’t even attribute it to pms

[Theconifers25]

Also for full disclosure I had abortion at age 21.
I’ve come to terms with it but don’t know if it’s affected ongoing fertility.

[Annab1983]

Oh OP you’re being so hard on yourself! You’re doing so well with the weight loss!! I had successful ivf recently and honestly there were so many issues with me that meant it shouldn’t have worked (including higher than I would’ve liked bmi and age) also issues with scarred and fluid filled Fallopian tubes, low egg reserve and family history of early menopause, severe endometriosis (so much bleeding and pain all the time!) serious adhesions and adenomyosis.. I was despondent but determined to at least try it, my clinic actually had better success rates for slightly older patients -the 37-40 bracket did better than the 34-37 bracket.. so it’s definitely not too late for you you’re only 36! It’s so hard to go through IVF but if it works then amazing if not you know you’ve done all you could and can consider any other options.. you’re just so very down on yourself right now which I understand but you are someone going through a tough time please try to be kinder to yourself you’re doing well, push for more help from the docs (diagnosis and perhaps fertility counselling if it’s available) and please don’t give up xo

[NicolaMarlowsMerlin]

Unlikely abortion affected you unless it was botched. Assume docs know, though?

You are sounding like you are having a rubbish day. All of us who have been through infertility have those days. Don’t blame yourself - you are already feeling bad, that won’t help! Have a wallow, then when you are ready, take on the next challenge. We all understand.

[EmmaJR1]

Hi Op, you sound so down on yourself. Everything anyone suggests you have a reason why it won't work for you. I'm sure you're not normally like this as you said your mood had improved lately. Do you think you might be overwhelmed and need to talk to someone?

I'm hoping you will read the next bit and see it as hopeful and positive.

I've lost 8 stone over the last 3 years. I was FAR bigger than you and in fact still am. I'm 39 in September.

Last May I had my son and 3 weeks ago I had my daughter. At conception of each I was both bigger and older than you so although statistics have their place they aren't the whole story.

I was told I had PCOS before I lost weight but I don't have it now.

What I'm trying to say is that you have done so well and you can continue to do so if you want to. I do feel you need to confide in your partner - it will help to talk about it I promise.

Thinking of you

[Theconifers25]

I’ve come out of the bathroom now.
This has helped tremendously.
I always wanted to post for general advice but all the talking the infertility seemed so spealised.
I think this morning I just had to post so desperate.
Thank you wonderful woman of mumsnet, this has helped more than I will realise

[Theconifers25]

Thanks Emma, I think that’s the kinda thing I was looking for. Just feeling despondent.

[CanaBanana]

My sister has PCOS and conceived at 37 after 6 years of trying. My mother conceived at 38 after 12 years of trying. I conceived at 38 (no PCOS). My grandmother conceived at 45! All natural conceptions. You are still well within the age range for having a baby. Keep on with the weight loss and keep trying.

[Theconifers25]

Thanks Cana, gives me hope.

[EmmaJR1]

You're welcome- it's a really hard journey. Actually losing weight and trying to conceive are both exceptionally hard when things aren't going well.
Having a bad day is normal but just be self aware and know the difference between a bad day and something more. X

[NoNotheresnolyrics]

Massive well done on your weight loss so far 💐💐💐💐💐

[bionicnemonic]

You’ve done fantastically well to have lost so much weight.
Not much to add to what the other posters gave said but maybe act as though you do have pcos, it won’t hurt to follow guidelines, do some research, such as using inositol supplementation, which may help a little with the weight loss too.
Read Taking Charge of Your Fertility
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/offer-listing/0091887585/ref=mw_dp_olp?condition=all&ie=UTF8&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21
Some of this may be out of date from a technology perspective (ovulation thermometer perhaps) but the biology of it won’t have changed.
Keep going with the weightloss. Keep faith. We know how a positive outlook affects the physical body.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2894461/

[DuchyDuke]

Some types of Pcos can disappear as you get closer to perimenopause. What I suggest is a very low calorie diet that still gives you your vitamins. Go to Boots or Lloyds and they’ll recommend something to you. While clinics accept women up to BMI 35 if something does go wrong they can insist on a sub 30 or even a sub 25 BMI. Suggest you do that as quickly as possible.

[Theconifers25]

Thank you for the compliment on the weight loss both, keto diet really seems to work for me and this mornings outburst aside makes me feel great, so much energy and walk and walk every day, I’m going to carry on with it as results are fast.
I’ve just purchased the fertility book bio on your recommendation.

Duchy when you say ‘if something does go wrong ‘ do you mean fertility treatment not working?
Bmi of 30 is achievable this year as I think that means 15stone 1 for me. My core fear is biological clock ticking towards peri menopause before I get there.

[Theconifers25]

I mean 14. stone 1 pounds for bmi of 30.
Just wish I had done this sooner.

[DuchyDuke]

Yes if the cycle goes wrong. I went from BMI 35 to 27 to qualify for NHS treatment. That cycle didn’t work - I have pcos and had very few useable eggs - so now they have told me to get down to BMI 24 before I start the private cycle. When I checked with other clinics they also corroborated that decision. So it could happen.

[DuchyDuke]

I’m the same age as you. Thankfully for me pcos means (fingers crossed) I’m unlikely to suffer from low ovarian reserve quite so soon. But there are no guarantees. I’m just trying to lose weight as fast as I can.

[PurpleMac]

Just wanted to throw some more support out therefore you!

I've been there. Literally, crying on the bathroom floor at the realisation I would never be pregnant, and would never give birth. I spent a year TTC, convinced it was my weight that was causing the problem. Eventually found out it was due to DH having next to no sperm.

It was crushing (especially since he had gathered a child 6 years earlier). I've never known heartbreak like it.

Please keep going. Keep going with the weight loss, keep going with looking after yourself, keep going with fertility treatment if that's what you need.

My bathroom floor moment was 19 months ago. I'm now cuddled up to my very wiggly 19mo son who we adopted at the start of the year. I know you say you wouldn't be able to adopt as an introvert, but if you would like more information please DM me. Now he's here he's very much mine, regardless of the lack of pregnancy and childbirth. It just doesn't matter to me anymore.

You have done so well.

[AutoFilled]

If it’s just the weight being the problem then 37 isn’t too old. I had both mine naturally at 36 and 39. Keep your hopes up.

[Theconifers25]

Let me ask this question then is people’s opinion o should wait until bmi 30 so probably speaking at the end of this year realistically rather than use up my free cycle now/ very soon with bmi of 35.
I think if I was younger and age not against me the former option would be no brainier.
I’m not asking for medical advice and will go to go but those in a similar boat, what do I think

[DuchyDuke]

I think get to sub 30 but don’t wait to year end. Do it with a very low calorie diet now. You seem quite tall with the figures you provided so you could probably lose 2kg a week fairly easily.

[Theconifers25]

I’ve skim read things about adoption and keep being asked why don’t you just adopt...
The introvert, not many real friends more just acquaintances comment was more around I thought you needed people to vouch for u / give you character reference. Outside of family this would only really be colleagues

[Theconifers25]

If I really pushed myself I reckon I could do it in 3 months.
I’m 5’8

[bionicnemonic]

Make sure your overall health is good too. Supplement maybe a good quality pre natal vitamin (Kudos or another good brand)

[PurpleMac]

Urgh the "why don't you just adopt" is shit. If anyone asks you that, ask them why they didn't "just" adopt!

You sound so motivated OP, you WILL do this. Get your BMI as low as you can as quickly as you can without compromising your health. Have you had tests on your ovarian reserve? I think that's what it's called. It might give you a better idea if time is on your side or not, and if it is, might help you prioritise weight over time.