Uber barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion

[bananafish81]

Thread 1 here

Welcome all to the barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion. Sgt banana reporting for duty.

1. The first rule of uber barrens club - uber barrens only. Secondary barrens have by definition graduated to the parents club. Unless you're facing the very real possibility of a childless future, at the end of the road after multiple failures, the 9th battalion isn't for you.

1. Second rule of uber barrens club. No false positivity. No 'stay strong, you'll get there'. No 'it'll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms'. It's very likely we won't get there and won't ever have a baby in our arms, so it's cruel to remind us of our greatest fear, and the reason we're here in the first place

1. If you're a former member of uber barrens club, no trite offering of 'have you tried..?' If you've graduated then members of the 9th battalion are delighted for you, but this is supposed to be our safe space. Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will for us. This is a thread for support amongst kindred uber barrens. Not well intentioned but unhelpful advice

1. If club members get a BFP then that is fucking BRILLIANT. We know the abject fear of miscarrying. I personally know I'm more afraid of the next cycle succeeding than failing. But uber barrens club isn't the place for early pregnancy scanxiety. If you don't feel ready to join a preggo thread, then why not set up a 'multiple failures but just got BFP and completely shitting it' thread. Hopefully we'll be along to join you soon

1. Repeat. No pregnancy chat in uber barrens club.

Unfortunately prev attempts at a safe space for uber barrens have been pissed all over by flagrant disregard for the above. It hurts. We just want ONE safe space where we can be scared, and hurt, and know that we're not alone.

Thanks ladies! Yeah I donned the hard hat to embark yet another AIBU infertility fuckwit battle, with an aside of infertility bingo for shits and giggles!

I have been overwhelmed by the responses to the uber barrens club questionnaire that I've received so far - so much eloquently expressed heartbreak and grief, I feel so honoured that so many people (women and men) have been generous enough to share their stories

Shit's about to get really real, as I'm now taking some time off to devote to project book I'm a freelancer, and I decided that after the end of my current contract, I'd take some time out before lining up my next gig to get my head down to try and crack this book proposal (incl full outline and sample chapters). My agent says that developing an author 'platform' is as important to publishers as the actual book concept itself, which means writing lots of medium articles and generally trying to get the message out there and build a profile. So basically operation uber barrens self promotion. Any support in sharing posts / social media shiz would be massively appreciated, though of course I completely understand that this is a wholly private issue for many

Questionnaire is here if anyone who hasn't completed it would like to!

uberbarrens.club/share

💪 in solidarity to you all

Today one of my closet friends who is pregnant, and knows my full history, said to me "you need to get pregnant so we can be on maternity leave together!".

I know she was joking but she knows my history and it just took me aback that she'd say something so stupid. I mean, of course! I'll just get pregnant then, why didn't I think of that

I think I'm getting more and more isolated from being able to say what I think to my friends as literally none of them can ever understand, with their stupid babies and children.

bluemoon people are idiots.

Anyone seen the latest horror show in AIBU? banana there must be some material for your book there. Total lack of understanding about Uber-barrenness.

Indeed I have. Sometimes it feels like banging your head against a brick wall with all the comments about boyfriends and cars and holidays. There is such a lack of understanding, let alone empathy, among some of the posters on that thread. Not to mention the assumption that the OP was made redundant because of her fertility....along with the usual calls for counselling.

Maybe we become bitter and twisted because of the way that our experiences are trivialised and dismissed and we are expected to interact with children who don't give a shit about us, just because their parents think their child is the centre of the fucking universe.

OMG I've just RTFT. Soooooo many knobheads on there, it makes me despair!

Also, am I using mumsnet too much when I start using abbreviations like "RTFT"?!!

There's some fucking gold dust right in there for sure

Tbh a book could write itself just copy pasting AIBU threads about infertile women and how we're so self-centred

Hi Team,

Firstly welcome to Pegs11, so sorry you that you find yourself here, but we are a lovely bunch I promise.

I wrote a lengthy post for the latest AIBU but then you all responded much better than me so just came in to thanks for waving our flag as ever.

As usual, we are completely ignored and it really got me thinking about my friendships that have ‘gone’, clearly because I’m a very selfish person that can’t cope with life. Oh well, failing at everything then. Jeez.

I love you all because I don’t feel alone.

I thought the calls for counselling for the poor woman all came from the wrong place, as though if we have some counselling, we’ll all be ‘cured’ and happily be able to skip along to to play with friends babies without a care in the world, and if we don’t it’s our own fault bc all our friendships will be ruined.

Banana- your post on grief was really moving and well put, I appreciated you being able to articulate the difference so clearly, and am really sorry for your loss xx

Hi @Mrsfw , exactly what I thought re counselling. From wrong place and like it's a magic cure. It can help people. Personally I didn't find it helpful, but I think that may have been the counsellor. Rather than letting me say how I felt she kept telling me "oh I bet you must feel like..." so didn't go back!
Maybe I should give it a go with someone else.

Hang in there ladies, remember we're in it together! xx

I've been lurking without introduction after hearing about the uber barrens in a podcast recently and thought this might be somewhere I can fit into...

I'm 40 and fiancé is 50 and I have just started the down-regulation phase for our fourth IVF cycle, with egg collection hopefully at the end of this month.

We've had a really tough year since starting treatment, beset with problems, and I feel utterly exhausted by it all, physically and mentally, but pulling what energy I have left together and thinking positively for this coming round.

I'd love a break from it to regroup for a while but time isn't on our side sadly.

My tests are all ok and AMH ok for my age, and fiancé apparently has super sperm of a 25 year old (he was very chuffed with this remark). However I have recurrent fibroids that keep reappearing and getting in the way of cycles.

Sept17 - fibroid surgery
Oct17 - IVF1 (long) but couldn't transfer due to new fibroids. One sub standard blast frozen.
Nov17 - fibroid surgery
Jan18 - IVF2 (long). Two fresh blasts transferred.
Feb18 - BFP!
April18 - traumatic MMC at 11 weeks. Very ill afterwards with Anaemia and PTSD. Fibroids recurred, inconclusive if they were linked to the miscarriage.
June18 - recommenced TTC, early chemical
July18 - IVF3 (short). Disastrous cycle, incorrect blood test led to an inappropriate protocol and poor response, nearly cancelled. Two day 1 embryos on ice.
Aug17 - fibroid surgery
Sept18 - started IVF4 (long).

Praying this will be the one but I have a nagging voice in the back of my head that won't go away telling me to get real...

Hi Botanica

I’m so sorry you find yourself here, in the club no one wants to join, but you’re very very welcome, and amongst friends

You can be as cynical and jaded as you like here, it’s a ‘baby dust’ free zone!

I’m so sorry that you’ve ben through such a shit time, it’s just so desperately wearing and utterly relentless

Keeping everything crossed for your upcoming cycle - the barrens will be cheering you on

BTW, selfishly, can I ask what podcast you think you might have heard uber barrens mentioned on? I’m starting to try and get the word out about my uber barrens book project (inspired by this marvellous community here) and it’ll really help my book proposal to know if it’s been mentioned anywhere. If you have any clue which one it might have been, I’d be extraordinarily grateful!

Hugs to you all - I donned my hard hat and waded into another AIBU IVF thread, it’s almost like sport for me now!!

xxx

Hello ubers. Well, this all sucks, doesn’t it?

I’ve just caught up on your thread, and have been on and off (mainly off, recently) the board for a few years under various name changes . Hilariously I started off reading Conception. That ship not only sailed but then sank in a huge ball of flames quite a while ago.

I’m so, so sorry that you are all in this position, as I truly know the soul crushing pain it means. I/we have been trying to have a baby for four years, and all I have are a devastating miscarriage, multiple day surgeries, two failed cycles of IVF and a bunch of physical and mental scars to show for it. During my last cycle something went very wrong and not to put too fine a point on it, I had life threatening complications which resulted in emergency surgery to fix me. The ultimate conclusion: my eggs are fucked. Possibly have always been fucked. And time has run out.

The reason I’m writing this is I feel so alone, so isolated, so angry, so excluded from normal life, so scared of the future, so unable to face the cards I’ve been dealt that I just wanted to make some small, anonymous contact with some women who would understand.

Bananafish, you are amazing. When I can write coherently without crying I’ll add my story to your website.

Hi @LightOfTheSun and @Botanica , sorry you find yourself here, but we're a welcoming bunch and I can say that is the one place where You can say what You feel, and not only not be judged... but understood! I totally get the feeling of isolation. I really really struggled earlier this year when my final childless friend got pregnant. I felt so alone.

I would like to reassure you that, although the feeling doesn't go away, life does get easier.

In the last few months I've gone through some real mental changes. I feel like I've gone through all of the steps of grief but can now see that I'll still have a great , albeit childless, life. We've just booked a big expensive holiday for next year.... something I've not dared do for over 8 years (just in case I got pregnant obvs and money in mind for fertility treatments !) and even thinking "thank god we won't have to find the money to put a kid through uni!" (Obvs we would rather still have a child but trying to look on the bright side!) when all of my breeder friends are financially still finding things tight knocking on 60, we'll be having a lovely fun life!

Obvs I'm in a positive frame of mind at the moment.... give in a couple of weeks and there'll be another post of me having an emotional breakdown!! 

What ho barrens

So I wrote a thing

It's totally outing, but that was gonna happen sooner or later and seemed pointless to NC

Wrote in honour of you amazing bunch

medium.com/@katylindemann/infertility-and-the-tyranny-of-positivity-79b7a96597cb

(It also has input from some survey responses - if any of you recognise anything, thank you for sharing your incredible contributions)

Rant coming...!!!

Urgh reading the " evil gym told me to stop breastfeeding in the adult only area " majority telling her she's being unreasonable she won't have it. Then you get a post from talking about having an adult only seating area is prejudice against age (obvs children)

FFS. Why do the breeders think they are entitled to inflict their children on everyone. If I'd have been sitting in that adult only area and said to her "excuse me, I'm sitting here to avoid babies as after my 6 miscarriages and confirmed infertility I find the baby upsetting " I'd be the evil barren bitch making her feel guilty!

I hate people!!

Bananafish looking forward to reading your article

Hey banana, did you see that Jody Day shared a link to your article on Twitter? (She did spell your name wrong though, even if she did use the correct way to spell your name )

Oh FFS that AIBU. I thought you were bang on with your posts bluemoon - representing the barrens! 🤘

Ha, yes I did thanks Tammy - she's been really supportive and shared my other piece a couple of times as well, which I'm hugely grateful for even if MY way of spelling the name is correct

I was at an event on Monday and met a lovely woman who turned out to be a MN lurker on the previous thread, I admitted to being bananafish, we had a good giggle about the club rules and are now having a barrens brunch in a couple of weeks time!

Hi Ladies - so I was a lurker but now I am a confirmed Barren.

banana I will do you survey, just it all a little raw right now.

So both my Husband and I are 39 - been TTC for 3 years - we discovered 18months ago we had a MFI so we were moved straight to IVF. We have done 2 cycles - both we got to transfer.

We were prepared to do one more cycle - basically doing to recommended 3, however we had a follow up from cycle 2 and where told that my eggs weren't great and while we had eggs for transfer they had all struggled in terms of quality. So the basic message was you can do another cycle but your looking at a 5 to 10% success rate and instead our consultant started talking donors - which for us is not a route we want to go down. We were so shocked, and totally not expecting that news.

So now I'm trying to process that I will never have a family and that decisions I made when younger ie to wait to the meet the right person, get married etc all come back to bite you on the bum.

I was reading your posts and I thought you ladies would understand. Just like some others we've booked holidays, I've applied for a promotion etc all the stuff I've put on hold for 3 years. I know my journey isn't as long as some but I never saw a picture where it would be just me and my hubbie.

It's early days but I wanted to say hi. x

@gizmoismymate I'm so sorry you find yourself here, it's a lot to come to terms with. Take care and feel free to come and rant on here all those things that you feel you can't out loud. Xx

Banana - I was part of your "club" for 8 years and, I just wanted to congratulate you on the "thing" that you wrote. (Not sure what the correct terminology is - sorry!).

Never have I heard a truer word spoken. It absolutely resonated with me and I recognised so much of what was said. I have watched your posts about IF and think you are a superb spokesperson about infertility and how it affects us. Well done you.

Anyone seen the horror that is the “friends without children” thread in AIBU? Apparently we have nothing in our lives except jobs and hobbies.

Currently I do have nothing much in my life than work because my husband killed himself after our 6th attempt at IVF failed 5 years ago just before my 40th birthday. He couldn't face life without children - he was a primary school teacher and coached children's rugby teams. All he ever wanted was to be a father.

He died before we could pay off the huge debt from each cycle and all the other treatment so i, still working all hours, taking every contract in order to do so.

I hate the assumption that we are lesser people than people who have managed to reproduce. My husband thought that and it killed him in the end.

Probably why I'm so fucking angry on the aibu threads at the moment. That and the fact that it was the anniversary of my child's death (yes, it was a child and yes I mourn its death) and know the other anniversary is round the corner.

Jesus @Leighhalfpennysthigh that is beyond horrendous what you have been through, I'm so sorry. You must be one tough cookie to have the strength to get through all that.

I've just read the thread... wow! There are no words! Well... there are because as is clear by now I've always got words for a rant! So I've put my ten pence worth on there now too!

Thank you. I'm really not. I'm cracking up most of the time (that time that isn't as important as that of parents!).