Uber barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion

[bananafish81]

Thread 1 here

Welcome all to the barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion. Sgt banana reporting for duty.

1. The first rule of uber barrens club - uber barrens only. Secondary barrens have by definition graduated to the parents club. Unless you're facing the very real possibility of a childless future, at the end of the road after multiple failures, the 9th battalion isn't for you.

1. Second rule of uber barrens club. No false positivity. No 'stay strong, you'll get there'. No 'it'll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms'. It's very likely we won't get there and won't ever have a baby in our arms, so it's cruel to remind us of our greatest fear, and the reason we're here in the first place

1. If you're a former member of uber barrens club, no trite offering of 'have you tried..?' If you've graduated then members of the 9th battalion are delighted for you, but this is supposed to be our safe space. Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will for us. This is a thread for support amongst kindred uber barrens. Not well intentioned but unhelpful advice

1. If club members get a BFP then that is fucking BRILLIANT. We know the abject fear of miscarrying. I personally know I'm more afraid of the next cycle succeeding than failing. But uber barrens club isn't the place for early pregnancy scanxiety. If you don't feel ready to join a preggo thread, then why not set up a 'multiple failures but just got BFP and completely shitting it' thread. Hopefully we'll be along to join you soon

1. Repeat. No pregnancy chat in uber barrens club.

Unfortunately prev attempts at a safe space for uber barrens have been pissed all over by flagrant disregard for the above. It hurts. We just want ONE safe space where we can be scared, and hurt, and know that we're not alone.

So sorry to hear what you've been through @leighhalfpennysthigh Life is so shit and unfair sometimes.

On a more shallow note, I love your username, but why only one thigh? Is it the right or left? (I would not be able to chose.)

btw, I'm pretty sure that poster on the 'Friends without children' thread with the username that is all the same letter often frequents threads about childless people spouting the same old tired nonsense, deliberately posting inflammatory shit.

You could well be right tammy. Some utterly horrible and heartless comments there.

Tammy - definitely both! I just forgot to put an "s" at the end when I NC! I'm a sports physio and so it's a particular fantasy that some colleagues and I share (ignoring the fact that he is far, far too young and probably has a gorgeous young girlfriend...but hey, it takes away the boredom of sitting by a rugby pitch for hours in the rain.....or football......or cricket.....)

What an absolute nasty bitch!!! I've seen some nasty stuff on MN but even if that is a troll it's a horrible nasty bitch of one. I hope you're ok @Leighhalfpennysthigh

Thanks blue - I'm feeling a bit vulnerable actually. I have never really told my story on MN before and only did so on that thread to try and explain a point about childless people's lives also changing.

Going to cuddle my puppy and have a good cry I think.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh I imagine 99% of the people that read your most will have been moved by it, and even those hardliners who clearly know everything about what it is like to be an inferior childless being with no responsibility for anything on this planet, perhaps even a few of them may have stopped and had a second think for a moment.

It takes brave people like you to share your story to effect any change in mindset. Most people are fixed in their opinion until something stops them in their tracks.

Ps - puppies are the best. Mine is my absolutely saviour.

What do you have?

Thank you for your kind words. I should call it a night, but keep being drawn back to that awful thread.

I've got two retrievers aged 2 and 6 months and my father, who lives in the annexe, has a German shepherd puppy - 4 months old. Both the dog and the father are in and out of the main house all day as dad is retired, so he looks after my two.

When my mother in law comes to live with me she'll be bringing her Maine coon cat who will then join the madhouse.

My house is noisy.

Hi team,

Wanted to say hello to gizmoismymate and Leighhalfpennysthigh, am so sorry you find yourselves here but you are so very welcome, am sorry to hear about your heartbreaking stories.

Hoping everyone managed to avoid the torrent of ‘first day at school photos’ on social media.

I had a cracker yesterday. Sodding SIL sent me a ‘special’ text inviting me to her baby shower. 🤬 Knowing full well our situation, that my March miscarriage was due this week and that we’re currently cycling. FFS. (This will also be child #4, all of whom were conceived whilst we still have 0) Lack of sensitivity continues to amaze me. Or maybe it’s more other people being too self involved.

I have made a positive step though to say ‘no’ to a meet up with 3 girlfriends (plus children) bc I always come away feeling shit.

Love yas xx

Hello everyone. Luckily have been working like crazy all weekend and today so have managed to avoid the shitty, lonely weekend blues (god bless rugby season!). I was working with a new woman today, someone who didn't know about my chequered history. She was talking about her kids and husband and something came up about dogs and I happened to mention that mine are my absolute joys and I adore them - she decided to take it onto herself to inform me that the love I have for my dogs is nothing compared to what I'd have for a child. Made some further comment about how sad it was that I'd never found anyone to marry me and give me a child and told me that I shouldn't have spent so much time in my career.

I had to walk away and, rather childishly informed the coach (who has known me for 20 years and asks for me specifically each year) of what she said and flinched out saying that either she goes, or I do. I know it was unfair of me and she doesn't know me, but WTAF - surely anyone with a scrap of empathy would know that the first you meet someone is not the right time to comment in their reproductive status or their relationship status.

That is such a shit situation Leighhalfpennysthigh, you did the right thing to walk away, I’ve tried to argue things or explain myself so many times through s gritted smile but always feel worse for doing it so you have to find what’s right for you. Silly woman. Sending you love xx

Thank you. It still hurts. Sometimes when people say something like that I think what would happen if I posted about it on AIBU - if I realise that I would get slaughtered I don't bother saying anything!

You did amazingly well not to say something to her in the moment @Leighhalfpennysthigh it really is incredible how some people just do not think beyond their own bubble.

I've had a name change because I've written a few potentially outing posts recently... I'm sure it's not hard to work out who I was... I rant a lot and then realise that autocorrect has made my post read ridiculously!

@Leighhalfpennysthigh. I’m so moved by your heartbreaking story. Words seem so inadequate and I really cannot express how sorry I am that you’ve been through everything you’ve been through. I think you’re an amazing, strong and courageous person to have survived all the crap that’s been thrown at you. Much love to you and your lovely dogs.

Thank you for your kind words. This is a much needed safe space for me to be me and not the actress who has to pretend everything is ok.

I saw the lovely coach today who informed me that she wouldn't be returning. I should feel bad that my complaint (rant?) has caused someone to lose a job (she's freelance like me so it's not like losing a proper job of that makes sense?) but I don't. I know that makes me seem selfish, but I can't help how I feel and I'm so fucking tired of having to put on a happy face and pretend. That's why I love that coach and the whole club so much, they know ,y history and know me as my husband used to play on their team, many many years ago when they weren't as successful as now!

My dogs are all flopped. Got dad's in with me as well tonight as he's gone out with some old colleagues so will be back late, or stay over with them. He's nearly 75 so it's hard to not worry about him.

Hi everyone . . . I'm a bit of a lurker; sometimes I don't feel entitled to be in here because we're still doing IVF cycles and therefore hopeful that one day etc. etc.

However, today I feel like an uber-barren as I've just had a chemical pregnancy from donor egg cycle 2 and I'm just so angry at my body. Again, two more perfect 5-day blasts transferred and my body clearly turns on them and chews them up. I feel so much anger and grief and despair. My two closest friends are pregnant (they literally don't talk about anything else) and my sister got pregnant just five weeks ahead of me, so our babies would have been born close together; pregnant women are everywhere and I'm exhausted from pretending I'm happy for them and that I'm fine.

I hate my body. I hate the fact that I had a chemical, it was just so cruel. I'm so angry with myself for allowing a little bit of hope to creep in - I started making a fucking scrapbook, for God's sake - because I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

Apologies for the vent . . . it's just hard, as I know you are all too painfully aware. I needed to let it out somehow, because as far as everyone else is concerned, I'm fine . . .

So sorry to hear that RedPandaFluff. It's just shit, there's no other way to describe it. Makes you practice self-care, especially around your friends and sister. Is there any hope that you can explain what has happened to them, or would it be pointless?

Just come on here to sat fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck at all the smug fucking arseholes on the latest AIBU thread.

Fucking hell Leigh. Huge hug for you and purple. I saw it start and thought I know exactly how this is going to go. Every time it's the same. Absolute shite.

I cannot stand it. Even the titles of threads like that upset me because I know some idiot is going to start. I know it's easy to say but ignore it, we are not all of that ignorant view.

Give your lovely dogs a cuddle and ignore. Mine have been difficult this week (I'm trying to give you something else to think about, not being dismissive). We lost our oldest dog last monday age fifteen. I feel like I've lost an arm. The other two are super clingy, anxious, clingy, sad. It's been horrendous. They have even peed in the house which is unheard of. We are all having a very quiet cuddly weekend. I've even put a duvet on the sofa and they are all snuggled in. TLC needed in this house as well.

Oh god Fourpaws. That is so awful. Big hugs from me and the fluffy ones. They do know and they do grieve. Xxxx

If any of you lovely UBs have words of wisdom for me on this thread, I'd really appreciate it.

When to stop IVF after multiple rounds?www.mumsnet.com/Talk/infertility/3377594-when-to-stop-ivf-after-multiple-rounds

Barrens I'm so sorry for neglecting this thread and not replying to your lovely messages, and even sorrier for barging in with a ME ME ME post - but thought you ladies might appreciate this

I wrote an article for the Guardian (online and print HOLY SHIT) about the language of pregnancy loss, and the need for a more empathic vocabulary that respects and validates loss

You might appreciate it xxx

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/oct/11/lost-baby-product-conception-grief-pregnancy-language

Thanks for posting that @bananafish81 , I tried to enlarge the photo on the Uber Barren instagram page earlier today in an attempt to read it!

Your awareness campaign is really gathering pace, I'm so proud of you!

That's a lovely article Bananafish81. Thank you for everything you are doing xxx