Uber barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion

[bananafish81]

Thread 1 here

Welcome all to the barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion. Sgt banana reporting for duty.

1. The first rule of uber barrens club - uber barrens only. Secondary barrens have by definition graduated to the parents club. Unless you're facing the very real possibility of a childless future, at the end of the road after multiple failures, the 9th battalion isn't for you.

1. Second rule of uber barrens club. No false positivity. No 'stay strong, you'll get there'. No 'it'll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms'. It's very likely we won't get there and won't ever have a baby in our arms, so it's cruel to remind us of our greatest fear, and the reason we're here in the first place

1. If you're a former member of uber barrens club, no trite offering of 'have you tried..?' If you've graduated then members of the 9th battalion are delighted for you, but this is supposed to be our safe space. Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will for us. This is a thread for support amongst kindred uber barrens. Not well intentioned but unhelpful advice

1. If club members get a BFP then that is fucking BRILLIANT. We know the abject fear of miscarrying. I personally know I'm more afraid of the next cycle succeeding than failing. But uber barrens club isn't the place for early pregnancy scanxiety. If you don't feel ready to join a preggo thread, then why not set up a 'multiple failures but just got BFP and completely shitting it' thread. Hopefully we'll be along to join you soon

1. Repeat. No pregnancy chat in uber barrens club.

Unfortunately prev attempts at a safe space for uber barrens have been pissed all over by flagrant disregard for the above. It hurts. We just want ONE safe space where we can be scared, and hurt, and know that we're not alone.

Banana I too really like the idea of the book. I have shelves groaning under the weight of infertility related books... sadly they pretty much all have the usual happy ending.

The friends that I had and those that I have met along the infertility road are now all mothers (every fucking one got there in the end apart from me) and this is a very unique part of infertility- being an Uber barren. I ache every single day. I’m not sure my marriage will survive and there are days that I question if even I will. I don’t know if I will ever reach that point of acceptance and strangely have found the journey get harder, rather than easier.

I will be buying your book!

So, on a subject absolutely unrelated to barrenness, tonight I've started watching The Crown on Netflix. I'm addicted. I need to go to bed as have to be up in 6 hours for work..., but just one more episode...!!

I always do this, Every time I start watching something I go mad and binge watch! Last week was the detectorists!

The friends that I had and those that I have met along the infertility road are now all mothers (every fucking one got there in the end apart from me) and this is a very unique part of infertility- being an Uber barren. I ache every single day.

Same thing happened to me. It’s horrible. You start to feel that you are the freak, even though statistically you are not.

Some twat just congratulated me on my happy news on another thread because someone else’s user name could be me under a nand change.

I think I might actually be done with this site now. Any recommendations for somewhere else to go?

Sorry purple. Have you looked at reddit r/infertility?

Oh Purple, I'm so sorry, that's absolutely beyond shit. I really hope you don't leave us uber barrens but understand totally if you do. You'll be much missed both here and on MN more generally as I always value your contribution so very much

Thank you all for your wonderful words about the book project, you guys are what inspired it all, of course

And because of this, there have been posts on this thread which have expressed the pain and heartbreak of uber barren infertility, as well as the incredible humour and camaraderie of finding your tribe. I would absolutely love to be able to include some of your words (obvs completely anonymised, and not making any reference to your MN usernames, so no way to tell who they came from - unless that's what you'd like, of course!). I would completely understand if you'd prefer no too, of course.

The questionnaire and website are nearly ready to go live, I'd be enormously grateful for anyone who'd be willing to (anonymously) contribute. I really want to give us barrens a voice, and I hope I'll do your stories justice

(I've avoided the AIBU NHS IVF thread as frankly I'm done from the previous thread - although a quick glance suggested far more sympathetic posts than the prev one.

I've been busy on a thread about Tom Daley's baby announcement debating surrogacy with women who disagree with it in any circumstances, I've been pleasantly surprised how many of the posters who've been highly critical of surrogacy in general have also been really supportive and kind to me, saying that they wish me well with our journey, should we go down the surrogacy route. So small victories...)

I just came on to ask how you are all hanging in there after this thoroughly shit week of an absolute tirade of abuse from all angles for us IVFers
Purple- that’s really shitty and I will really miss you but do what’s best for you.

So many upsetting comments, well done and thank you again those who continue to to fight our corner . Banana I will def take a look at the questionnaire when home.

Feeling particularly sensitive maybe as currently doing a cycle in the States. Couldn’t possibly say that though as an actual example because will A) be completely ignored and B)would be declared a witch on the various NHS/surrogacy threads that are running.

AARGH.

I think what narks the most is the tirade of people shouting that surrogacy should only happen in altruistic circumstances . Yet NO ONE steps forward to offer. I would absolutely love to have that honour for someone should I be able to.

Ok am done now. Getting on my flight. Rant over.

Bananafish I genuinely think that Uber Barren Ghetto, Elite Squad is bloody good book title too!

Good luck Mrs, have everything crossable crossed for you 🤞

blue Working title isn't far off!!

Über Barrens Club: Sisterhood, Solidarity & Support Stories from the Club No One Wants to Join

Hi everyone - disappeared for a while; recent failed DE cycle affected me even more than I thought it would. I think it's because I allowed myself a brief glimmer of hope that it would work . . . which is incredibly stupid of me, given everything that's happened over the years.

Anyway . . . can't wait to read the book . . .

@RedPandaFluff sending love and strength, hope you're being kind to yourselves. It's just really, really shit. And really really unfair

So, er, am still tweaking / bug fixing, but website is now up, to explain more about the book project. And crucially, with the questionnaire to enable people to share their stories anonymously

I would be enormously grateful for all and any feedback, and please please please do consider sharing your thoughts, stories and rants to help us try and change the narrative around infertility and pregnancy loss

uberbarrens.club

And the link directly to the questionnaire if you would consider sharing it:

tiny.cc/uberbarrensclub

I really really hope I can do everyone's stories justice 🤞

Gah thanks for mangling the link MN!!

Über Barrens Club

Oh Bananafish I know I don't know you in the real world but I am soooo proud of you for doing this! The web page is fabulous. Is it ok for me to share this on social media at this stage?

Redpanda so sorry it's not worked. We're considering a last ditch attempt at ICSI with genetic testing. The issues being I need to lose 3 stone and have the treatment before Christmas. My head is firmly stuck in the sand. I know it won't work. I really do feel for you xx

Hi ladies, just de-lurking to say well done on the blog/book banana, it looks amazing. And also you have great hair. Mine is a similar length and I wish I could get the wavy look going on. But I can't.

Anyway. I digress.

Best of luck with the book. I have a colleague who definitely is Uber barren (ten years, eight cycles, forty grand, officially drawn a line) and I'm going to draw her attention to this because as well as amazing perspective on this that I'm sure would find a place in your project, she has an awesome anecdote that includes her husband racing around London trying to find Viagra (for her) in the thirty minutes before her clinic shut. She tells it better 😂

I'm still following you ladies, wishing the best for you. Going to lurk again now x

So bananafish, I've shared your link on my Facebook page, and even remembered to edit the privacy settings so everyone can see it... and it's got so many likes and shares already! I hope it reaches lots of Uber barrens who didn't have a platform or safe place before. This really could be something great I'm excited for you ! X

Hello everyone - I have some catching up to do, but thought I'd say hi. Thank you for asking after me - I'm feeling a bit more positive and planning a FET.

Although I did have a grim internal moment where I thought my sister might be pregnant again . . . let's just say I wasn't a very nice person for that short time period!

@RedPandaFluff oh God those moments are the worst. It's deffo a barren super power - the ability to detect when someone is pregnant (I figured out someone at work was when they were only about 7 weeks, just by passing them in the corridor and looking at them, there was just something)

@bluemoonchances you are incredible!! Thank you so so much. The more people who contribute the better, as I do so very much want to represent as many different voices as possible. Questionnaires are coming in and PEOPLE ARE AMAZING. We really aren't alone, even though we might feel that way. We really, really aren't.

@PotatoesPastaAndBread ah how lovely of you to post, so thoughtful of you. There is a section for those who've graduated from uber barrens club, and all and any experiences are gratefully received, regardless of where you are in your journey. Hair wise I feel like a bit of a fraud, as that's a slightly out of date picture, but I don't have a half decent more recent one. I'd come back from the hairdressers and they'd done the waves after my cut - no way I can get them like that myself!

Hi fellow barrens! Just checking in to see how we all are?

I feel a bit weird at the minute. I feel like part off me has accepted that children aren't in our future, and for the first time we're planning stuff a year in advance (booking holiday flights / financial planning for moving house etc) and the possibility of a baby do not feature in those plans. It does feel quite liberating. But then the other side of me is still gutted when AF arrives (after 8 years you'd think I'd stop getting my hopes up every month, but every month I still hope for a miracle , when does that stop?!!)

How's the book going @bananafish81 ?

Hope everyone is doing ok xx

Hi bluemoon - I'm the same; every time my period doesn't show up that bastard little ray of hope pings into my consciousness . . . in fact, I did a test today as I'm four days late, but no, it's just my body screwing me over as I was supposed to start drugs last Friday for a forthcoming FET

@UnsettledAndAnxious urgh that's rubbish news.. stupid bloody bodies. I really hope you can start your drugs soon. Fingers crossed for a good result for your FET xx

Am I too late to join the party? Officially classing myself as an ‘Uber Barren’ after a 6 year fertility journey that started with me having cancer, and culminating in the loss of my one and only pregnancy (on our third round of IVF) at 8 weeks.

I’m currently in the waiting area between discovering the fetus is no longer viable, and my body expelling the remains.

I think that’s probably ‘Game Over’ in terms of us trying to start a family. I don’t feel that adoption / fostering is right for us, and I just don’t think I can bear any more fertility treatment... I have quite a poor ‘constitution’ after the cancer and had a particularly difficult time managing all the hormones.

Honestly, I’m still sat here wracking my brain to try and figure out if there is any other way I can have the family I want... I haven’t quite let go of the dream yet... there must be something I haven’t thought of, right? ...although deep down I can sense the futility of it all.

Slightly concerned about falling into the ‘my whole life is meaningless and I want to die’ swamp, but daring to believe that the wisdom and awareness I’ve gained over the years will triumph over the depression goblin.

I’ve got to be honest... what it really all boils down to is that I am just sooooo fuuuuuucking booooored of my childless life (...anyone else?). At 38, I was soooo ready to be a parent, and when I got my BFP I was like “At fucking last! Finally, I am being released from the drudgery of only having myself to be responsible for! Finally, I am being rewarded for my patience and stoicism! Thank you universe! No more fannying about for me, I’m off to join the land of the living! [imagine my mind full of trumpets, fireworks, cheering crowds etc] And thank fuck for that, because I was sooo scared it would never happen! What a blessed relief!”

I celebrated too soon though... I’m back to square one, now. Well, more like square zero, because it feels like there are no more forward squares available to me.

Would very much appreciate any solidarity that anyone has to offer, really. Just hearing from people in the same boat would make me feel a bit better... I feel a bit isolated at the moment, my friends all live so far away, and none of them can relate to what I’m going through anyway.

Sorry for the long post, just needed to get that out of my system.

Thank you all so much x

Hi @Pegs11 , welcome to the club (that none of us want to be in!) don't know if you've read any of the thread but I can assure you that you have found the place for support and solidarity. I can relate to everything you said. It is shit. I am at the point where I think I am coming to terms with the fact that I need to find something else to fill my life in the child shaped hole. To make my life feel like it has some meaning or purpose.
I went to a baby shower last weekend where there were several babies present. In the past I would have felt really jealous, but this time, for the first time, as they bounced their babies and talked about baby crap, I actually thought "god that looks boring!" The fact that I had a massive hangover probably contributed to that!!

It's a loooong journey coming to terms with a future very different to how we planned it. I'm immensely pissed off that I can't take a year off work maternity leave, just to get a break from my job!

Hang in there and if you need a chat/rant then we are here xx

@bananafish81 your well thought out eloquent replies on the current AIBU thread v my reply on the thread are why it's you writing a book and not me!

I was going to delurk to ask which AIBU thread you mean, but a quick look at the AIBU titles and I think it’s fairly obvious. I haven’t even opened the thread yet, am already annoyed and have already thought for fucks sake about it. If I’m wrong about which thread you’re referring to bluemoon I’ll eat my (non existent) hat.