Uber barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion

[bananafish81]

Thread 1 here

Welcome all to the barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion. Sgt banana reporting for duty.

1. The first rule of uber barrens club - uber barrens only. Secondary barrens have by definition graduated to the parents club. Unless you're facing the very real possibility of a childless future, at the end of the road after multiple failures, the 9th battalion isn't for you.

1. Second rule of uber barrens club. No false positivity. No 'stay strong, you'll get there'. No 'it'll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms'. It's very likely we won't get there and won't ever have a baby in our arms, so it's cruel to remind us of our greatest fear, and the reason we're here in the first place

1. If you're a former member of uber barrens club, no trite offering of 'have you tried..?' If you've graduated then members of the 9th battalion are delighted for you, but this is supposed to be our safe space. Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will for us. This is a thread for support amongst kindred uber barrens. Not well intentioned but unhelpful advice

1. If club members get a BFP then that is fucking BRILLIANT. We know the abject fear of miscarrying. I personally know I'm more afraid of the next cycle succeeding than failing. But uber barrens club isn't the place for early pregnancy scanxiety. If you don't feel ready to join a preggo thread, then why not set up a 'multiple failures but just got BFP and completely shitting it' thread. Hopefully we'll be along to join you soon

1. Repeat. No pregnancy chat in uber barrens club.

Unfortunately prev attempts at a safe space for uber barrens have been pissed all over by flagrant disregard for the above. It hurts. We just want ONE safe space where we can be scared, and hurt, and know that we're not alone.

Rolling my eyes at the latest’ how would you save the NHS thread’. It baffles me just how many people jump on and throw on IVF as though this is singlehandedly draining services & is just a frivolous treatment.
Yet no one mentions contributing to maternity services!! It’s quite hilarious really. We remain an easy target it seems.

Yep. I'm on that one and could see it coming a mile away. It's the usual sack all the managers and administrators crap too. I don't know why people bother starting those threads it's the same old bollocks time after time.

We won't cost the NHS as much as their maternity care and continuing care for their children ffs.

You always get the ban ivf ones on these threads because having children is a choice. I've just suggested charging for maternity and anti natal services... I mean if it's a choice not an illness to have children why should the nhs pay?!! Obvs I don't really think that, just waiting to see how many of the ban ivf crew understand the irony!

The term “ghetto” is so deeply offensive. I’m appalled.

Cheesy - I've found that on NHS threads it always brings out the latent Tories, the people who live elsewhere and come on to tell us how much more superior their health service is because they pay, make GPs do OOH and sack all administrators and managers and whatever the Daily Mail is frothy about at that time.

The daily fail has a lot to answer for! Especially the over use of the term snowflake... I've found that anyone I've met who uses the term snowflake is usually a sanctimonious dickhead!

It's not just ivf, it's the general narrow mindedness on these threads. Ban all cosmetic surgery etc. Like anyone can rock up at the doctors and say I want to look pretty! Give me surgery! It's people who have believe tabloid headlines. Probably the same people who voted brexit because they believed that bus that said on the side of it "vote brexit and there will be 464 billion pounds a day more for the nhs!" (Or whatever the figure was) and that was the extent of their research.

I've said on there that I don't really think that re maternity , it wa purely devils advocate, but old Judy bird just isn't getting that my point, just chucking out insults instead. Like I give a crap what she thinks of me!!

@cheesymashandbeans its the lack of understanding that annoys me. Most people who go through IVF end up paying through the nose for it and IVF and IVF is already restricted almost everywhere. Maybe if some of them had actually thought through how much they have cost the NHS - maternity care, after care, care for their children etc then it will be a lot less than a few rounds of IVF.

I'm giving up on there now. It's tiring, insulting and upsetting and just shows how we are really viewed in society.

Oh and I see we're not even allowed to call this thread a ghetto anymore lol.

talk about easy fishing! brilliant!

@Judygarlandspills you did notice the title of this thread, did you not? Do you have any empathy for what any of us are going through here? This is a small corner of MN where we can talk and share our stories and experiences without being told how worthless to society we are because our bodies are broken.

Please leave us alone.

I'm a bit confused by that. As infertile minority on mumsnet and this being our segregated area this thread is literally dictionary definition of ghetto. Whatevs. It's come to something when you get hunted down on a different thread because you gave an opinion on a subject. Empty lives clearly.

Ignore her @Leighhalfpennysthigh she's a nobody.

The infertility boards have been the barren ghettos for years

It's the corner of MN where the involuntarily childless are banished and can share our experiences without being dismissed and told that we are lesser than

Regulars of the infertility boards have called it the barren ghetto for a long time

I find it somewhat baffling why someone would come to a thread specifically for infertile people when they're not infertile

Strange!

I thought no one without children could possibly understand busyness compared to a mother. Surely they have better things to do with their precious time than hang around with a load of barrens....

Wow, it really kicked off on here. I bet someone will be along to complain about the word “barren” next.

@PurpleDaisies I made the mistake of trying to point out the irony of maternity care being free on the nhs but people want ivf banning, on the nhs thread. Old Judy, rather than thinking 'oh someone has a different view point on that' and then sensibly putting forward a relevant counter argument, got her big maternity pants in a twist and started chucking out insults and taking the piss out of us poor little Barrens. Even hunted down this thread to do it on! Bless her.

Well it's nice to see that she's been deleted for both of her comments. I feel sorry for the kids.

Just saw her comments on the nhs thread have been deleted too so it can't just be us who thought she was a twat.

Well barrens, apparently we’re not infertile if we’ve been pregnant. So you think we need to campaign for the board to change name? Some fertile-splainer has popped up on another thread to point out that someone who has had an ectopic and a stillbirth and now needs IVF technically isn’t infertile even though it has nothing to do with the thread. I’m not sure how they explain secondary infertility.

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE - that poster can just knob off

If you can get pregnant after £20,000 of IVF then you are clearly fertile as fuck (even if you lose it and don't actually get a baby at the end of it)

Twat

Big shout out to the uber barrens. I recorded an interview with The Fertility Podcast about online communities for support from fellow barrens, and mentioned the awesomeness of MN for support - I deliberately didn't mention this thread as didn't want the hoards descending on us (super elite squad as it says in the title), but know that I was thinking specifically about the 'fuck off fertiles we're barren as fuck and cock off with your positivity and baby dust' thread

The Fertility Podcast - EP 158: The Notebook of Doom (can listen online or has links to iTunes, acast etc)

Solidarity fistbump to you all

Listened to your interview @bananafish81 last night. Really interesting to hear more of your story.

I need to go back and listen again as there was one thing I meant to write down and didn't about even if you are finding privately there was NHS support for something, perhaps miscarriage related? Will go and check it out.

Also good to hear your survey will be open for a while yet. I really want to share my story but just can't face hashing it out again right now.

I'm sick of it myself right now as I'm trying to arrange a sabbatical from work for a year (drowning in grief and loss of hope right now), and god knows how many times I've had to tell various HR and occupational health folks more details than I'd ever thought I'd need to.

Was just about getting through it when the work doctor referred to time off after my last miscarriage and having multiple rounds of IVF in the last year as a 'lifestyle choice'. That did not go down well I can tell you...

@bananafish81 I just saw another article by you on The Guardian today:

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/nov/02/feminist-infertility-failure-child-mother?CMP=fb_gu

What ho barrens, it's been quiet on here, how are you doing?

I've been angry typing various articles for Metro's Fertility Month, including one about how to support someone with fertility problems (and NOT infertility bingo) and one yesterday about how it's not down to infertile couples to solve the adoption crisis.

@Botanica I'm so sorry I'm only replying now, I'm a spanner. How are you doing?

I mentioned testing the fetal remains after a miscarriage on the podcast - on the NHS they will only look at the fetal tissue after 3 consecutive losses, to ascertain whether the loss was due to chromosomal abnormalities or not. On the podcast I mention that because my insurance covered miscarriages, by having a private ERPC we were both able to get the op done quickly (found out about the MMC at 10am, in theatre by 6pm and home by 10pm), we were able to pay extra to have the fetal tissue ('products of conception) tested for genetic abnormalities, which we wouldn't have been able to do for a first loss otherwise.

I'm sorry about the work Dr being a dick. Fucking lifestyle choice my arse.

Hi fellow UberBarrens!

Yes Bananafish it has gone quiet... I felt our space had been a bit invade when Judy troll rocked up with her comments.

I feel I don't have anything useful to contribute at the moment to the thread... this thread and all of you amazing Uber Barrens have helped me so much through some really difficult times... this little corner of the internet where I have been able to be honest and vent frustrations that none Barrens can't understand.

But in what I think is good news... I feel I am through it... the trauma of accepting my barrenness... and I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. Obviously I will always carry some sadness and grief for my non existent children... but I can now really see a happy child free future for me and DH.. I feel in a really good space at the moment. I really really hope other Barrens come through the other side and find this place too.

Sincere big love to all of you xx