Thread 32 | TTC#1 | Making the move from conception to infertility. We've taken some blows but we are not beaten

[Jamon]

Hi all. We're a group of first timers who've been plugging away on the conception boards for some time. The support here is amazing so if you're in a similar boat please jump onboard.

Time to hand hold through treatments and support each other through to becoming the mums we deserve to be 💪🏼🌸🙏🏼

For some reason I read "I forgot to get some asparagus" and then worried you were steaming veg in your fanjo kwick!!!! Jeeze. It's too late and I've not had a sip of alcohol. I blame not wearing my glasses. 🤓

On another note, I went to a ska gig tonight (Reel big fish for anyone wondering) and danced my ass off so much that EVERYTHING hurts. 😎

Hep, forgot to ask, where up north are you? Would anyone be up for an up north meet??

Lemon, dildocam is fine. Honestly. It's nothing to worry about. And it's very dignified. All covered with a sheet. Fx.

Pjs. Sos it. If you want to be out there about your fertility journey. Do it. There's absolutely fuck all to be ashamed or worried about. Xxx

jamon I am stalking you!!!! I did actually wonder this morning if you are in that ‘hood. It is crazy - I grew up in London & have been back here since 2004 - but I still only know a few areas...

mouse asparagus 😂😂😂

lemon why do you have to wait a week for the results?

To all you dancers out there: 💃🏻🕺🕺💃🏻 ole!

Had a bad counselling session last night and didn’t sleep very well for worrying it over. DH said if time was no issue for me he would happily wait another few years to start a family and he talked again about not being happy in the new area we’ve moved to - which I take to be mostly my doing.

It makes me physically hate him to hear him say after two years of trying and imminent IVF that he would wait longer. Actually hate him. I haven’t said anything as I wanted the session to sink in for us both.

I don’t know what to do though. Is this a typical bloke thing? They don’t get the biological pull that we do. He would be an amazing dad and I know how much he would love it if we could have a baby.

There’s another part of me screaming that we want different things and that whilst I love him and cannot see my life without him - do I really want to carry on with someone who is only half there - is being reluctantly carried along?

I want someone who is as up for this as me. To feel my hope my disappointment and be there for me every step of the way. I’ve found it hard to understand why he hasn’t been more supportive towards me - and counselling seems to be revealing it’s because he doesn’t really want this.

The counsellor even suggested that his binge drinking session was unconscious sabotage.

What am I going to do???

Are other men like this? Is it normal?

Hi mouse,
I would be up for a northern meet!

I'm within an hour from Manchester. Will pm you a more accurate location.....

jam

not all men are like this. my OH is more relaxed about it than me .... but we are both good at hiding our feelings.

Glad to see some fellow northerners!

jam I am totally with you on this - my husband sounds very similar. His job involves lots of drinking and he refuses to cut down - he is out a lot and reacts really badly when I ask him to be at home more. We had a blazing row last night as he was at a work do and then stayed out drinking afterwards and didn't tell me where he was or what he was doing. He is also out tonight and tomorrow and then away for a week next week when I start my injections.

I just don't think he gets at all how hard and heartbreaking this is, and every time I get upset or angry he reacts really badly. It took me quite a while to persuade him that he wanted children, and he thinks our life is good right now and doesn't need anything else, so we are not at all on the same page. I love him but think this whole thing is tearing us apart.

Not really helpful I know but hopefully you know you're not alone - we have to go through so much, injections, eating healthy, kicking the booze, medical procedures, arduous waiting and all they have to do is spunk in a cup!

I wish OH would drink less

Me too! My DH doesn't drink outrageous amounts most of the time but thinks nothing of 6 pints on a Saturday watching rugby and then out with the boys. It's infuriating because the advice about how much to drink varies depending on which doctor you speak to and I swear my DH has selective hearing and only heard/remembers the one who said 12 units a week is fine (and not the 5 I remember ). He also sees no need to cut down as despite poor morphology originally, we have been able to do fresh IVF (not icsi) twice with very strong fertilisation rates, so now the finger is kind of pointing to me and an inability to implant which makes him think it's not anything to do with his sperm/drinking. But I just think, why the hell wouldn't you cut down when I'm trying to lose weight, taking 4 different supplements, eating more protein etc etc. One answer. IVF MENTAL BURDEN.

That sounds like such a tough counselling session jam - I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand that hatred - I've been there with my DH before, for different reasons, but I know what it feels like and it's horrible. It does pass and hopefully with more talking and maybe working through his reservations will help. I do understand that just before you're about to do IVF is not the best timing!

It's always been the other way around with my DH - our arguments were always over my drinking not his! Not anymore though as I've cut right down to no more than 10 units a week (that was doctor advice - I mostly have 4 maximum and many times nothing at all).

I've been pretty pissed off with our clinic since yesterday - got a letter in the post containing about half of our results and saying I have no clotting issues therefore no extra meds required. Well what about the natural killer cell results?! And what about DH's sperm DNA fragmentation results?! And the results they did send (in hieroglyphics) say I have heterozygous MTHFR gene mutation - what about that?! And the sodding letter was signed by the consultant we got rid of which hacked me off even more - why is she even involved?! Luckily, we have our appointment with our new consultant this afternoon to go over results and firm up protocol - but they really shouldn't have sent me incomplete and unclear test results! Sorry, rant over!

jam really sorry about the tough session - have you tried to talk with DH about it yet? No-one wants to find themselves second-guessing and questioning your partner, especially so close to treatment. Did your counsellor suggest anything beyond the self-sabotage re drinking?

gee struggle, sorry you've had difficulties on that front too. You deserve all the support you need.

PJs how annoying! Can they email you the full results if you call? Pretty crap to send half the results and then not explain them...

Struggle I’m glad I’m not alone but I’m sorry you have to deal with this crap too. This whole experience feels so isolating at times and to not have the full support of your partner makes it so much harder.

Gee completely with you. It’s not just to have the best chance at successful treatment but a way to show you that they care and they’re doing everything they can too. Men

Pyjamas that’s shoddy , especially when you’re paying. Hope it went well with new consultant this afternoon. Do you know what protocol you’ll be on?

Quiet the counsellor said he seems confused about what he really wants. I agree with her and am starting to run out of patience with him.

We had a long whatsapp conversation earlier and I said if this isn’t what he really wants then he needs to start being true to himself and honest with me. I don’t just want a baby - I want to start a family with him. If he doesn’t want that then quite frankly I’ll find someone who does want the same things as me. We love each other - but that’s not enough if we want different things. I’ve told him all of this in no uncertain terms. He says repeatedly it is what he wants - but I think he’s just saying that because he’s scared.

Got orchestra tonight thank god. I’ve had enough of highly emotional conversations about the future of our fraught and currently unhappy marriage

Girls you are making me teary!!!! I'm so sorry some of you are having difficulties within your relationship. I'm not even going to mention my DH because I would be fucking gloating. I'm lucky.

We also both don't drink. Our issue is cheese. But then again, cheese is calcium and I need that for big strong bones right????!!!!

But seriously. You NEED to get on the same page. I couldn't fathom doing this without us both being 100000% fully in. My heart breaks just thinking about it. 😢

I also got a flashing smilie today. I'm not going mental this cycle and having a flipping week run of trying to dtd every damn day. 😳

Hello all, was wondering where you all had gone to as couldn't find the thread on conception boards. I thought you might have moved over here and I've found you all!

Hope everyone is doing ok as ok can be when you're on this shit merry go round.

I started clomid this cycle. Looks like i ovulated on cd14 so went for day 21 progesterone bloods today. Anxious to get the results.
Not sure of chances this month tbh, have really had to get on to DH about regular sex throughout the month but he's been not that enthusiastic about it. I've really tried to not say when we need to do it but a couple of times i literally had to say we needed to.

Not sure whats the best way to go about it to be honest.

Oh and our ccg has pulled all nhs funded IVF, so even though DH and I weren't eligible anyway because he already has a child, this is the final blow as no hope of exceptional circumstances appeal now. Just have to hope clomid does the trick, private IVF is just not within our means unfortunately.

jamon I feel totally ill equipped to provide any form of advice but I give good hugs and you have a huge one waiting for you on Saturday.

pjs
I too have had my clinic issues today. Turns out none of the post MC test results (which cost an absolute fricking fortune) were included in the medical records CRGH sent through. I have chased today but it really fcuks me off.

OMG 3 kids on a bus mum not dealing with their bad behaviour well at all. Need to concentrate- will be back

17.09

So fricking sad - vicious circle of abuse. Lack of contraception!

pug!!!!
Sexy lingerie?

Hi girls, sorry I've been in hiding. Have had a tough couple of weeks and some space has been a saviour for me.

Thank you so much jam for your message and including me for Saturday. I'm sorry I now won't be coming, but I hope you have a good chat and I hope to join for round 2

I'm really really sorry others are having a horrible time too ❤️ I'm rooting for you all and sending lots of strength to you (jam 😘)

Hope to be back in the group in a couple of weeks when I've got my head back together

LSFX girls x

Oh jam such horrible conversations to be having, but well done you for being brave and saying exactly what you want. You'll also be getting a big hug from me on Saturday!

Shit kwick how annoying! Incompetence (especially when we're paying) drives me crazy.

Well, we've had a bit of a shocking turn of events today. Had our appointment with consultant who explained everything and had the complete results. All mine came back normal (so no clotting issues, no natural killer cell issues) apart from I have the heterozygous MTFHR gene mutation (which apparently 40% of the population has) which could be affecting my folate absorption so she prescribed me extra folic acid to take as a precaution but it's nothing to worry about.

The big shock was DH's sperm DNA fragmentation results which came back showing he has high sperm DNA damage. A real shocker as his normal semen analysis has always been "excellent". It means he has to go and see a specialist to find out what the cause is and see how we can treat it. No point doing another IVF cycle (next cycle will be IMSI instead of IVF) until it's sorted. I really REALLY wish we'd known about this before the heartbreak of two failed cycles and a year of thinking it was all down to me due to my poor reserve.

She also gave me my protocol for when we are able to proceed to IMSI once DH sperm hopefully sorted - 21 day long protocol, reducing gonal f dose, adding menopur, adding extra estrogen, adding extra progesterone, heparin and baby aspirin. My goodness. What a lot to take in.

binky take the space you need. We are all rooting for you and will give you a massive snog when you return. 😘

pjs !!!! Wow. This is with the new consultant right? WTF was the last one up to?
What is IMSI?
What a lot to process but knowledge is power and it looks like there will be a way forward.
How is your DH holding up?

I know, what a plot twist kwick! Yep, this is with the new consultant - she’s an absolute legend. Although to be fair, sperm DNA fragmentation testing isn’t a standard first test - she suggested it as we’ve had two failed cycles and fertilisation rate was low on second cycle. Normal semen analysis seems so pointless on its own now!

IMSI is one step up from ICSI which uses a microscope which is 6000 times more powerful than an ICSI one so it can pick up more sperm defects. It’s all so clever!

DH is very very quiet and subdued so I’ve given him some space to be alone. Totally understandable - he’ll talk to me when he’s ready. He’s calling the specialist first thing tomorrow to make an appointment. I know how he’s feeling - I felt like shit when I was told about low ovarian reserve. He just needs time to process it.

This does mean no 3rd cycle this year while we sort all this out. Sad because BFP totally out of the question before Christmas, but it is what it is.

Hey pjs, this is exactly what happened to us. Are you going to see dr Ramsay? Message me if you want any info xx

Yep - seeing dr Ramsey! Will message you xxx

Wow IMSI sounds amazeballs pjs! Incredible what they can do these days... I spoke to someone the other day who must be in her latish 50s and she was given bovine fertility drugs when she was trying years ago... 🐄 mooo!

Gosh pyjamas I wasn’t expecting that. How common is it to have fragmentation issues? That’s incredible you’re seeing Dr Ramsay he is the king of sperm. Sorry you can’t go again this year but it sounds like you have a solid plan for round 3 xx hope your DH is alright.

Hello binky lovely to see you, no worries about Saturday just hope you’re okay. Rejoin us when you’re ready xx

Glad you found us too pug how are you finding clomid? It made me a little completely mental first time so look out for yourself. With sex I think you just have to say we gotta do it - if they won’t comply with frequent bonking.

I love cheese too mouse is this the link to your mn name??

Things slightly better with DH last night. We had a cuddle and he said again how all this behaviour is because he’s scared and not because he doesn’t want it. He says he’s scared of “fucking everything up” - I’m not sure what he means by that. He cooked crab linguine for me and even made shortbread - this is unheard of - and when I got back from orchestra he was reading the his and hers survival guide to IVF - which I’ve been asking him to read for MONTHS. He said “I wish I’d read this sooner” 🙄🙄🙄

Massive hugs coming back at you kwick pyjamas

Has anyone seen our lovely @Kathrino

glad things are improving with your DH jam

things started well this morning with me trapping a nerve in my shoulder..... and then having to manoeuvre one of those heavy water bottles into the water fountain at work.

(I work in a 90% male field. no way will i ask for help ! trapped nerve and all)

who needs to be able to turn their neck anyway?