Thread 32 | TTC#1 | Making the move from conception to infertility. We've taken some blows but we are not beaten

[Jamon]

Hi all. We're a group of first timers who've been plugging away on the conception boards for some time. The support here is amazing so if you're in a similar boat please jump onboard.

Time to hand hold through treatments and support each other through to becoming the mums we deserve to be 💪🏼🌸🙏🏼

Jam - you will build that positivity up again with time but right now your emotional state needs a rest from it all. Maintaining positivity around one subject for any long period of time is really exhausting for the mind. It's dropped the ball but it doesn't mean you won't ever pick it up again. Are you feeling any better today?

I've been feeling very negative recently, but AF is due tomorrow so I know it's just hormones. My mind is dredging up these memories, the sort that trigger feelings of guilt or embarrassment. What is all that about? Most are from when I was a child or teenager so I'm just acknowledging them and forgiving myself for them, like we're told to in yoga practice. Have had nightmares and broken sleep for the last 3 nights as well, feel like I'm seriously over heating in bed. I hate my new AF precursors :(

mud I really like your acknowledge and let go technique- I will try to emulate.

My boobage really hurts but AF not due for over a week. I fricking hope I am not going through "the change".

Morning girls

Feeling a bit better this morning but very very tired. The neighbours woke me up at 0520 which also means I wake up feeling intensely stressed out too! Not ideal.

Kwick sometimes my boobs hurt the whole TWW. Think it’s just progesterone levels

Skip I get sooooo hot in bed before AF too, it’s so annoying. You’re right about the effort of positive thinking. Maybe I can try to go for of an accept and let go approach too rather than trying to force my mind into something

It’s now October - I’ll be calling this nurses for IVF drugs this month we’ve got our consent appointment tomorrow with the nurses - that’ll be the first time I meet any of them. I think they might be showing us how to inject too. Then Wednesday we’ve got an info evening at the hospital we have to go to. I’ve also decided I’m doing Stoptober so don’t think will drink now until - who knows - it depends on the outcome. Just need to get DH on board...

Kwick - I've had random boob pain at all points of my cycle over the last two years, so hopefully not the change!

Jam - that is so fricking exciting!! I'll be interested to hear all about it afterwards, it's NHS funded right? Stoptober is a good idea, recon I might give that a go too. Xx

Currently enduring chronic waves of period pain at work. So, so pleased I packed my Feminax Ultra. Another cycle failed but I didn't over analyse a thing this cycle. My 2ww has followed the same pattern for a while now: spots, sore boobs, nightmares, heat flushes, spotting, cramps. I feel like it should be easy to identify pregnancy if it ever happens 🤔

jamon so exciting!!!! The injection thing is not hard at all - I actually teally got into it please keep us updated on your appts!!!

Thanks for the reassurance mud and jamon re:boobage ache. ( . .)

I am on my way to a training course nr to Southampton!!! So nice to be out of the office!!! Hotel has a swimming pool which I plan to avail myself of!!!

Skip - so sorry for the awful sounding period pain. Hope you're hanging in there 🌻 I always have a sleepless night before I get my period too!

How is everyone feeling today?

Has anyone thought about the future in terms of 'how much of this will I go through'? Now that we have 2 more iuis then into ivf in spring, I'm thinking more about the long term. Has anyone set a line in their head of how many rounds of ivf they would try before giving up?

Sorry, that's super depressing. 😾

Kerry - how weird, DH and I were discussing this only yesterday. We're going to try until October 2019, so another two years. I start IVF this coming January but only get two rounds so if those fail and I don't conceive naturally before that date I'm giving up. Reasons are my periods are bad, and the pill was the only thing that calmed then. I feel like 4 years is a good effort.

CD27 just turned into CD1 for me today. Light spotting yesterday. Really don't know what to make of my cycles anymore. 7 months of 25 day cycles. Then 28 last month and now 26. Kinda wish I had a magic book that told me the issue and what I'd need to do to fix it. I'd do anything. Anything.

DH said he wasn't ready for us to take it to the next level and do investigations, possibly until after Christmas at the 16+ month stage. Which is fine. But I'm 34 next month. I feel like this will never happen for us and I don't know how to process the thoughts at the moment. I'm finding myself feeling more angry about the past, about all our setbacks since 2013. I wish I'd done things differently and maybe we would have a family now.

I know it's far too early for me to even be thinking this way but I've never really had any good luck and I feel like I'm not even owed any. Does anyone else struggle with these kinds of thoughts?

Jam, I'm sorry you're having a bad time with the DH right now. It's important that you both get on the same page. Tomorrow try and make up with him. It's ok to have a meltdown just talk and never go to bed on an argument. It's not worth it. But I'm glad you're feeling better about things. It's exciting for you to be taking the next step. I'm sorry I couldn't read your letter post right now, too bittersweet at the moment. X

Kwick, I spy you. 🙃 Your bathroom is LOVELY!!!! I wish mine looked like that.

Mud, sorry for the period pain, I can understand you putting a line under things. In my teens my periods used to render me a mess, looking back now I'm sure my weight gain has contributed to them being lighter 🙁

That's a coincidence-skip. ❤️ You seem very calm about it. I think it's maybe good to have an end point in mind rather than thinking that this stress could just stretch on forever if nothing works hugs

skip I feel it's almost easier now than when I first started trying. I was devastated every time I got my period. Now I have no hope! Sorry about CD1

jam hope things are a bit better with your husband - I think you'll naturally feel weird about the impending IVF - it is such a weird feeling knowing it is around the corner. Do you think there is any positivity meditation are anything you can do - positive visualisation or something?

I am on the Stoptober wagon too - and went out in style on Saturday with way too much wine. I'm not going to drink now until the IVF fails which would be early December (can't even bring myself to think it might work).

kwick advent calendar already? I like your style! Which one is it? I had the M&S one last year and loved it!

mouse so hope you get some luck soon.

I've got my scratch booked now for 18 Oct and injections start on 19th - egg collection is pencilled in for w/c 20 Nov. Can't believe it's all happening!

Glad you were feeling a bit better yesterday Jam Sounds like we are actually pretty close together in our IVF timing if you've got your consent appt today? Hope it goes well and gives you and DH an opportunity to talk some more.

Struggle I know what you mean about not having the same level of disappointment anymore. CD1 is pretty much a normal day for me these days as I just don't have any belief at all that I will conceive. Sounds depressing but it's okay, it's just the way things are.
Everything's moving quickly now with you - best of luck and hope the scratch doesn't hurt!

Kwick you've gone for the advent calendar already! Which ones have you got? I splurged on the Liberty one last year and while it was beautiful I still haven't used all the stuff that came with it. Was thinking of the M&S one this year as it always gets great reviews. Any suggestions for any others? Love the new bathroom by the way!

Kerry I don't think there is anything wrong with planning for the What-Ifs. It's good to have a Plan B in mind in case things don't work out. If we are able to get frozen embryos from our fresh cycles then we can have up to 4 rounds of IVF on the NHS here: two fresh and two frozen cycles.
I think if we went through it four times with no success we'd probably call it a day to be honest.
Easy to say now though, who knows how we'll feel in reality?

Mouse I think we've all had those thoughts before. But you do know that beating yourself up for anything you did or didn't do is very silly, don't you?
Have you got any other projects to focus on to help take your mind off things? You are almost 34 - that is still so young! (Trust me - I am 37 next month :) ) You're in the prime of your life and have so many happy years ahead of you. I know it sounds trite but do try and make sure you are planning - and doing - things now that you really enjoy and make you happy.
You will fall pregnant when you fall pregnant, and no amount of worry or putting things off or self-sacrifice will make one iota of difference to that. Life is far too short; we need to make the most of it even when things aren't following our ideal plan

In fact that goes for all of you lovely ladies who are struggling with all this. Please don't put your happiness on hold indefinitely, our life on this earth is too precious for that.
(that sounds very hippyish - I am not a hippy!).

Okay, work time for me. Have a good day everyone and hope the sun is shining where you are x

Such great advice penguin ❤️

skip hope the pains have eased off

kerry I've thought about it. We get one fresh cycle and one frozen transfer on the NHS. I know we would pay for a few cycles - but how many I don't know. We haven't really talked about it. I'm trying to take each day as it comes, as much as I can now

mouse I turn 34 soon too and definitely experience similar feelings and fears. If you want to start investigations sooner then it's not solely your partner's decision. I also agree with penguin though that we have got time xx

struggle that will be similar timing to me :)

penguin you don't sound hippyish, it makes perfect sense what you are saying. Life is short and we have to live it to the full and try to take what enjoyment we can. Seeing the awful scenes in Las Vegas this week brings that home xx

Consent appointment went well and I'm feeling more positive. We agreed that embryos we don't end up using in years to come we will give to medical science. Without research we wouldn't be doing IVF at all - so it's only fair we contribute to continuing this amazing field of medicine if we can. So Day 1 later this month I call the nurses and the drug chain starts moving into action. Day 21 I start Progynova, then after that I start injecting stims. I think egg collection should be early December.

It feels like such a long process but I need to focus on getting into a positive frame of mind for it. I've started a notebook on my phone jotting down thoughts when they come to me about what I'm most looking forward to about being pregnant and being a mum. It might not happen first time but I'm determined to get there. I'm hoping some positive thinking will help me along the way.

Such good advice penguin, so simple and obvious but also so easy to forget sometimes. How are you feeling about treatment being just around the corner?

Glad to hear you're feeling more positive jam. When you're in that frame of mind it's so hard to drag yourself out of it but it's so important. How have things been with your DH the last few days and during the appointments? Glad you don't have to wait until next year, you've waited long enough without any more delays.

I think it's really good that you've started making that list too, I've 'allowed' myself to do similar in the last few weeks. Before that, my thoughts were 'it'll never be me' and I started being surprised when people said things like 'when you have your baby' but if they believe it, why can't I? I think it probably helps that we've gone past our EDD and everyone's had their babies now so I haven't got that horrible anxiety any more and I've stopped thinking who will tell me their baby news next and waiting for the baby bombs. It's bad enough anyway without obsessing and trying to preempt it. I thought it helped but actually it just made me feel worse.

Hope everyone's feeling ok x

It's awesome advice penguin. And I truly believe we should not pause life for TTC as it will drive you crazy... If only that were our problem. Sadly it's the opposite, we have no savings left from maybe living a bit too lush. And I'm angry at not changing things I could have prevented sooner.

In 2013 I lost a friend suddenly at age 33. It was a very very difficult time and happened when we had just decided to TTC. We decided that we would live life to the fullest however we put TTC on hold as things spiralled with grief and I was having a hard time at work. I had to leave my job with anxiety as they made my life hell after asking for a maternity benefit as part of my 7 yr bonus and it meant that TTC was pushed to 2015 while I started my new job, went through a few legal things and qualified for a maternity pay in my new job.

In mid 2015 we had to stop TTC again to replace our windows. Literally couldn't afford to fall pregnant since I was the main wage earner and the windows were falling apart.

Then in 2015/16 zika happened to our holiday destination and we had to stop again. It's just been non stop bad luck. Im not even touching on the mmc which is a whole different kind of cruel. I'm exhausted.

Sorry, I've never really posted my whole "story" on here as I'm not the woe is me type usually but recently I've just been wanting to drive to a very secluded place and scream very very loud. What the hell have I done to deserve all this shit. 😢

And I'm not even sure why I've posted this because I realise I'm stupidly impatient with the TTC stuff, I'm sorry I just wanted to vent and feel sorry for myself for a small moment. Xxx

Mouse -sorry you hit CD1 again too. Did your DH hint at why he didn't want to proceed with further investigation right now? 34 is still very young but have you highlighted your concern to him with regards to age? I think the NHS think anyone above 35 a "mature" mother. I think it's a load of bull personally but you could mention this if you want to try persuading him?

Struggle - wow, these really are exciting times. So many of you could have BFPs before Christmas, what an incredible thought. Good luck for your scratch xx

Penguin - you gave some very sound advice. Hope everything is well in the Penguin house!

Jam - positive thinking is the way forward. A good little thing to do, is at the end of the day write one or two things on a bit of paper and put them into a large jar. These are things that your excited about, grateful for or just things that made you laugh or smile. Big or small. It's a good thing to start in the New Year because you get to open the jar next year and read all the good things that happened to you. Sometimes it's easy to forget all that but this forces you to remember.

Mouse - your story is a very long one Mouse and you deserve this so much. But what I get from reading all that is that you're a fighter, and I know you'll keep fighting no matter how long it takes. Its okay to feel sad and put off, we all feel like that at one stage or another because (let's face it) this can seem unnecessarily unfair and cruel sometimes. But if you're thinking "why me?" - welp, it's because no one else could handle this shit. You've got it Mouse, every day you are on step closer and you won't be defeated by it.

I've had really rough period pains, left work early yesterday and was a howling mess once I got home. The strongest over the counter painkillers did absolute squat. Then it eased, but got hit again at 2am. I took more of the painkillers even though I was only meant to take 3 tablets in 24 hours but in my head I kind of thought - if this kills me at least it won't hurt anymore 🙃. Not so much a morbid thought as me trying to make light of what was a very awful situation. Feel okay this morning so going to brave work...don't feel it's over though.

Mouse I'm so sorry to read all the things you have gone through. None of it is fair, that's why it's so hard. None of us can point to anything and say, that's why, that's why it hasn't happened for me. But it can happen, and I still believe that one way or another most if not all of us will get there.

Sorry for AF those who are struggling through cramps/just AF being shit.

We definitely need a bfp by Christmas, everyone here deserves it so much.

I'm in hopeful twat territory over here. 12 dpo, AF due today/tomorrow, boobs still really sore, woke up feeling sick today, spotting stopped two days ago, cervix really high and very soft. I do know how unlikely it is, it is desperate hope rather than belief. I'm glad that AF has not arrived today, as I have a bikini wax later before heading off for work then holiday tomorrow. I've decided to book an appointment with the doctor when I get back off hols for next investigations/referral to the fertility clinic at my local hospital. December will be the second time of coming around to my due date and I need to know we're doing something proactive to move things forward by then (besides just having sex of course!)

Flash - hopeful twat territory!?!?! I literally spat my tea out at work when I read that. We're calling the 2ww this from now on! 😂😂

penguin that's awesome advice - have been feeling pretty inadequate at the moment on all fronts and feel like I need a push to pull up my big girl pants and crack on. Your words have helped!

mouse what a clusterfuck, I had no idea - but listen to skip you're awesome and fighting and will get there

flash I so so hope for good news - but sounds like a good plan to keep the ball rolling in case; everything crossed that you don't need it

DH's SA results came back - everything normal (though don't know whether specialists have different 'ideal' thresholds) - good news I guess. Think will have to wait til end of the year for anything else - will be well over 12 cycles with short ones but have to fit the rules

Hugs and luck and all good things to you all xx

Too much to catch up on !

I do still lurk...

kwick lovely bathroom ! (do you want to do mine )
penguin hear hear !
mouse
flash I quite like hopeful twat territory

still not giving up, but getting on life. Boss says he will put me in for promotion in 6 months time. My cycles just seem to be getting longer and longer...... post mc they were so clockwork !

was actually looking at treating myself to this ....
uk.loccitane.com/classic-beauty-advent-calendar,83,1,78620,1139827.htm

Oh hep that looks gorgeous. I love l'Occitane. Glad to hear you're doing ok and have things to look forward. Promotion sounds very exciting!