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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

Long term Secondary Infertility - anyone want to chat?

347 replies

closephine85 · 29/03/2017 21:47

Recently I've been feeling like I don't quite fit on any of the threads currently running. I know there is a support thread for ladies with secondary infertility already which I dip in and out of. However, now having watched many women come and go on that thread and seeing new ones come who haven't been trying for so long and are a lot more hopeful of a happy ending than I am, I just want a place to vent/moan/hate on this crap situation but to also be able to refer to the fact that I am a mother (obviously insensitive to do so on some of the other support threads, but where I actually feel more at home).

About me: I have a 5 year old son and have been ttc a second child for 3.5 years. 3 failed rounds of iui and a recent failed round of ivf/IMSI. We have 2 blasts in the freezer but I'm fairly convinced they aren't going to work either due to DH's high DNA fragmentation, I think they are probably chromasomally defunct. So if/when that doesn't work, we either admit defeat or move on to donor sperm. Both shitty options.

I feel defeated. Like I have failed as a mother. I can't give my son a sibling and even if I do, there will be at least 6.5 years between them. In the meantime he has to put up with me being always just a little bit miserable...

Anyone care to join me for a bitch and a moan?

OP posts:
lat1085 · 19/04/2017 21:01

Hi all,
Sorry I've been MIA for a while - our frozen embryo transfer (of two 'perfect' embryos) failed last month and I've been trying to have a break. We have one frozen embryo left, which I'm having transferred on Friday if it thaws.
Closephine, I'm really sorry you're having such a crappy evening. I know it doesn't really help, but you're not alone in how you feel.
I said to dh today - if someone could guarantee us a baby, in however many years, I'd continue with ivf happily, knowing we'd get there eventually. It's the not knowing if it will ever happen isn't it....
Sending lots of love to you all x

mrskittenpie · 19/04/2017 21:11

close - I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I am too, just totally helpless. Just started a new cycle yet again and really what is the point? My work doesn't help, I often hear about babies that aren't looked after properly and this afternoon after dealing with a particularly hard case I cried bucketloads. It's just not fair, there's us ladies on here who would give a baby so much love and then there are people in the world that don't deserve them and can just keep getting pregnant. It breaks my heart. It's the thing I really struggle with - just because you're a nice person and do everything right about ttc it means absolutely nothing at all and doesn't help in the slightest.
lat - sorry you had such a bad time, am keeping everything crossed for you for Friday

Graceflorrick · 19/04/2017 21:13

Hello everyone, I think I've found my people.

I have a 5 year old we conceived first time we tried. Since, we have tried for a second for years. IVF failed recently. I think I've accepted defeat and given up, but occasionally cry about it. It's so unfair.

I cope well with baby announcements and can be genuinely pleased for people around me. I do find the insensitive comments upsetting at times though.

mrskittenpie · 19/04/2017 21:41

Hi grace - welcome but sorry to hear you've had such a bad time. That must have been so hard about your IVF.
I don't cope well with baby announcements- you would think I would by now with all the practice I've had but no.
The insensitive comments are the worst aren't they? I had no idea before this nightmare how idiotic people can be. It's really made me view the world a different way sadly

Graceflorrick · 19/04/2017 21:48

Hi Mrs, yes. It's awful. I also had a late miscarriage and two weeks later a friend asked me for my breast pump as I wouldn't now need it. Some of the things people do/ say are so hurtful.

closephine85 · 19/04/2017 21:54

Grace Shock at your friend's comment and so sorry for your late loss. some of the comments I've had along the way have been astounding. I know who I can and can't talk to about it now but found out the hard way.

OP posts:
mrskittenpie · 20/04/2017 11:38

grace that is unbelievable someone could be so heartless. I really don't understand what is wrong with people to be so awful. Like close says you learn the hard way about people you can talk to. I can't believe some of the comments I have had over my years of infertility

closephine85 · 21/04/2017 04:41

Not sure I'm going to articulate this particularly well (perhaps because it's 4am!) but I'm fed up with being stuck in such a bitter rut. I feel so much envy and jealousy towards other people. I would only ever voice these feelings out loud to DH and am aware of how irrational they are and feeling like this doesn't help my mental state, it doesn't help my ability to get pregnant... it's just a bitter sea of negative thoughts I can't seem to get out of. Even if it is 'normal' it's pretty annoying. I used to watch my DM reacting in a similar way to people who had more money than her (even though she is by no means poor!!) and see what a bad trait it was, now I'm doing it, only towards pregnant people and people who I'm suspicious of trying to become pregnant. Anyone managed to put these feelings to one side rather than have them constantly at the forefront?

On a side note... the clear blue digi test I have been hoarding for years, for "when I'm sure it's going to be positive" expires at the end of April. Somehow this feels sadder and more depressing than the failed ivf Hmm

OP posts:
Luxnuova · 21/04/2017 09:45

Close I know that feeling really well. For me it's particularly hard around established families with multiple siblings, all in a lovely close-knit clump (probably because I'm lucky not to have too many pregnancies or baby bombing happening at present). I have found my kneejerk bitterness getting triggered often by my sister and two SILs, who have three kids apiece. Not long ago I almost broke down when my SIL was innocently showing me a slideshow of the kids at various ages - bathing together, birthday parties, etc.

I think for me the anger comes when people are just so thoughtless and oblivious about how lucky they are. The bitterness just builds up - until it feels like even the most incidental comment or action (or inaction) is a kind of cruelty. A lot of the time, I know it's irrational, but that doesn't really help. I had a big emotional meltdown with my mum a few weeks ago, because I felt that she was just turning a blind eye to this massive trauma we were facing on a daily basis. In truth, she's probably just been wary about saying the wrong thing.

We're at a bit of a different stage, in that we're still starting IVF - so I can only project myself into your feeling. But, I thought I'd mention what has helped for me recently. I think it's a little to do with what Place said upthread. A lot of my grief has been to do with my sense of how this affects my DD, but then - I just got a flash a few days ago of the other side of the coin: she has been so lucky to have this intense, creative relationship with both of her parents. We may not have the ideal perception of a nuclear family, but there are wonderful, special things that happen because it's just us three. Also - all those other families are great and all, but they're not ours. Maybe our family will always be a little idiosyncratic and off-kilter, but that's okay. This has given me a modicum of peace.

Also, I'm not at all religious, but I think I've been casting around for books that address spiritual struggle in some fashion. I'm still looking for something that resonates properly (I read Help by Anne Lamott, which had moments of resonance, though also felt a bit hokey) - but somehow the act of putting this experience into the category of general suffering - rather than this lonely ghetto of infertility suffering - sort of gave it a context and a dignity, if that makes any kind of sense.

The other thing that has been helping me is kind of boring: running. I am a complete non-runner. But, I've been really down and even thinking about SSRIs. Out of desperation, I've been trying to force myself to go. It's only been a week or so, but oh my god, all discomfort is worth it for the endorphins. They basically make me feel for a while like my body is a good place to be. Which is a big change. Also, it helps relax me, which is not a small achievement.

Oh, the other thing - sorry this is majorly long, btw - is NOT reading on my commute. This is totally random, but usually I tune out by reading social media or news on my phone. I forgot my phone one day, and was just forced to look at people, and at my surroundings. For some reason (not always, but cumulatively) this has been helping to keep things in perspective. It's interesting to think about people's stories, speculate about their own struggles, etc.

Also - I really like your analogy about your DM and the money situation. I can relate to this, because when I'm in that mental space you describe, this is just how I feel. LIke, I know it's wrong and imbalanced, but I still can't get myself out of it. But, also just wanted to say - maybe it's okay to feel this way at certain times or for certain periods. At least you know that's not how you want to feel.

Argh, this has turned into a true epic. Sorry - i touch type so I always end up writing too much. Anyway, just some things that have helped me. No guarantee I'll be feeling so resolute next week, tho. Sending thoughts. Hope you've been able to get some sleep.

user1490948702 · 21/04/2017 15:07

Close and Lux, those are very interesting posts. I also think I can be bitter and likewise don't want to be eaten up by it or waste time on it unnecessarily. I find it's really possible to feel bitter while totally acknowledging and feeling lucky for my comparative good fortune, like I sort of have perspective and at the same time don't!

What you said, Lux, about your relationship with your daughter makes sense to me. Years ago a woman at a baby group I knew vaguely, had had ivf for her first child (my son's age) and then unexpected natural conception to have another with probably under two years ago - she said, in real surprise, 'DC2 coming along has totally changed my relationship with DC1', and I think she was a bit sad (sleep deprivation). Even at the time it struck me as odd that she was surprised - I was so aware that having another child wasn't just 'adding' but was changing, and in effect everything you gain is something you do take away from something else (well this is my philosophy in life anyway!). I dearly love my sister but there is only 1.5 yrs between us and growing up was hard as well as fun; I obviously wouldn't change her existing (!) but since having my son I often wonder how my relationship with my parents would have been without her - not necessarily better or worse, but an unknowable different. I have always known I'd have trouble conceiving but even so I actively planned not to try to have another in that age gap, and I'm not sorry about that, even if it doesn't happen for us. I feel like that relationship with my son that I and my husband have (and his grandparents and other close relatives have) would be changed if I'd had another child so soon and would still be changed now if I did - and I really value our family's dynamics and character as it is. I think you do sacrifice something to get something else, even if that sacrifice is worth it, if you see what I mean.

Well, that shows how ambivalent I clearly still am about the £10k I'm looking at spending in the next few months on IVF! But it is the way I sometimes find myself thinking, even if at other times I just go down a bitter 'is she seriously pregnant AGAIN?' track...

DizzyMerry11 · 21/04/2017 23:06

So pleased your op went well close. Hope you're doing well.

Welcome to the newbies (sorry on my phone and can't scroll back enough to namecheck everyone) but so sorry that you find yourselves in this position too.

Grace I'm am appalled at your 'friend's' insensitivity Shock what a shitty thing to think let alone coming straight out with it.

Sorry so many of you are feeling down and I can completely understand as I'm feeling the same. It's a never ending vicious cycle. I think someone said they feel better when during AF and I can really resonate with that as although at the start it's a crappy reminder of what my body can't do but afterwards I feel better not having to think of the fertile week, the tww and the bloody symptom spotting etc. I feel like a rational person when I'm on my period!!! I've got a positive opk today and we've been dutifully dtd but it's so damn hard because it isn't getting us anywhere!

ElFanjo · 23/04/2017 10:23

Can I come in? I've been looking for a thread like this for months now. I don't seem to fit in anywhere. I have one DD who is ten, and have been TTC for over three years. On saying that, we stopped opks and all that nonsense at about the two year mark. So far tests haven't shown any issues, though I'm waiting for a lap. I have had one chemical and suspect more

I'm a lot happier recently. I've detached myself from anything baby/small child related, and unfortunately that means seeing less of some friends who are still in the thick of it. We have a busy life, and it wasn't helping my MH to spend my precious free time talking about their pregnancies and their babies, and having to meet up around nap time, all that sort of thing. My DD is so far past that, and I feel I've done my time. I'm now cultivating more adult time- I want to have wine and dinner with friends, not soggy cheese sandwiches in the park. So I've done some serious detaching, and I'm sure the friends wonder why. It's nothing personal to them, but in order to heal, I feel that we as a family need to seize all the advantages of being a one child family, and sod the rest. I've also prioritised my marriage, because the forced opk sex was so fucking miserable, it couldn't go on without damaging what we had. My husband is amazing, and we are very, very happy together.

On saying that, as a PP said, regardless if I got pregnant tomorrow, the infertility has changed me. DD was a surprise when we were young and poor and I feel sad when I think of all the innocent hope and expectations we had when we decided it was time for number two. I have felt angry, depressed, bitter, jealous. I'm not like that usually and I hated myself for those feelings.

I'm not really interested in anyone else's pregnancy or baby now, which is sad, because at one point I was. I don't really care. But then, nobody has given a shit about my secondary infertility. Even people who should know better come out with the usual nonsense "you are still young" "why don't you adopt" "just relax and it will happen" then they change the subjected. People who have "proper" infertility naturally don't really feel like listening, because they are thinking "at least you have one"- and I don't blame them one bit. Family have stopped asking. NHS isn't interested because we're under 35 and have a child - again, I can't blame them. Nobody gives a shiny shit and that's just the way it is. DH and I talk about it sometimes but it just makes us sad, and we are so happy on a daily basis.

So 99% of the time I feel fine, I'm feeling fine, I'm dealing with it, but then there's that 1% where I just feel overwhelmed by sadness and want somewhere safe to moan

closephine85 · 26/04/2017 04:49

I seem to always post at 4am! Insomnia is another thing I have to thank infertility for Sad it's always much worse in the run up to AF as well - a sure sign that it's on its way!

Lux - you speak a lot of sense Smile I completely agree about the closeness we have with our son compared to others with more children. it is special in its own way. I also too struggle with the happy family groups. Last summer our next door neighbours had a BBQ with their two children plus another couple with two children and the kids were all having running races in the garden. My DS was standing with his ear to the fence and having his own solitary races in tandem with theirs. It literally broke me to watch - I went inside and just sobbed. We ended up going out for the evening as I just couldn't take it! what you say about exercise makes sense too - I'm still recovering from my op but I've just signed up with the local swimming pool and plan to go a couple of times a week once I'm better.

User - I think I've always had the knowledge that 2 children would change things. That's why we didn't try until our son was 2. I wanted to have that special time with him and even though we have since been unable to conceive, I don't think I would have tried sooner if I'd known. I wasn't ready to give up that bond and I certainly don't look on with envy when people proudly proclaim they are going to have '3 under 3'. Yes I am envious of their ability to get pregnant. Yes in the long term I will be envious of the number of children they have. But in my opinion (and obviously it's just mine and others will think differently) those children miss out on important one on one time. I think this opinion stems from my childhood. I am the eldest of 4, all close together. I have a tricky relationship with my mum, there is no real closeness there (I literally don't recall a single cuddle or affectionate moment from my childhood!) and my strongest recollection from being young really is always being told 'you have to make X sacrifices because you are the oldest'.

ElFanjo - welcome! It's good to hear that there is some hope for a more 'normal' life in years to come but on the flip side I'm very sorry that you have been trying for so long without success. I too am not normally a bitter and jealous person and hate what this has done to me! I do worry that this is a permanent change in me Sad

Sorry for epic post!!! No real news to share, just plodding on and waiting for AF. Follow up from my op isn't until June and at the moment I'm unsure whether it has even worked so that could certainly put more delays on us going back for our FET. Whilst I'm glad we chose to go to Serum, those little blasts feel so far away! If they were in London I could just pop and have them put back with a bit less concern for my overall health. (having just read that back perhaps it's a good thing they are so far away and I can't waste them quite so easily!!)

OP posts:
closephine85 · 01/05/2017 21:33

Anyone else about?

I had a weird panic attack (I think) type thing today. We were walking down a track in an area we'd not been before - it was heading towards a more cliff path type area and DS and DH were racing each other. They then started to race up this steep part and I shouted them to stop, that they didn't know what was over the top. They did stop at the top (I'm not sure if they would have had I not shouted) but when I got there and saw what was round the corner my heart went to my stomach as the path was running along a sheer cliff down to the rocks/sea. I just had this vision of DS falling. It was horrible, I know rationally that DH was in control, but at the same time could see my whole world disappearing in an instant. I felt sick, thought I was going to pass out and just shouted at them to come back the way we'd come/away from the drop and wanted to get away from there as fast as I could.

I think I'm posting this here, because I feel like my whole world is invested in my one child. I'm sure no one with multiple children feels like one is expendable (of course they don't!). But I just feel like he is SO precious, I have to protect him at all costs. Anyone get where I'm coming from? Still thinking about it now is making me tear up.

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user1490948702 · 01/05/2017 22:30

Hi Close - wanted to say hello and acknowledge your post (should be working but...). I completely understand about the one child safety/panic thing. I know other people don't feel they have spares but I do sometimes dwell in a maudlin manner on how if you have three children and something happens to one, you would still have others to experience joy and motherhood with, but with only one child it just makes you feel like your mother-ness is also all riding on them. My most recent thing is the weird idea that my son will become a horrible criminal and I will thus have to disown him! So many ways it could all go wrong! I probabaly sound like a psycho with that thought but hopefully it reassures you that you are not the only one whose mind goes down frightening paths. Infertility is a massive headfuck and no mistake.

Hula2 · 01/05/2017 22:59

Hi Close,

Yes still here. Sorry for your experience today. Can totally relate. I often have to push awful 'what if' thoughts out of my head and sometimes feel like my position (having fought to get him and then struggling so much now plus my age) make my current situation precarious. And also sometimes feel like wanting another is seeming ungrateful for what i have and could somehow 'jinx' things. Crazy i know but this whole infertility/miscarriage shit strips you of any innocence or complacency.

Luxnuova · 02/05/2017 08:23

Close, I can totally utterly relate. I've had those 'what if' vivid panics since my DD was born. Utterly specific and almost like waking dreams, like - 'what if I caught my foot in my pyjamas while I was carrying her down the stairs and tripped and fell.' They got even more vivid after my miscarriages. I have this feeling like life is so incredibly fragile. It is, as user says, a complete headfuck. I mean, I'm drying her after the bath tonight and thinking about her dying. it's so messed up.

In personal news - had been doing the whole schrodinger's pee-stick thing (I'm still pregnant if I don't have a negative test) at 11DPO. But, had to have a smear today, and the nurse made me take a pregnancy test. It was kind of horrible It's our last cycle before our first IVF attempt, and I'd just really held out hope that this would be our last-ditch miracle. We DTD like heroes this month. But, nope - negative. So, now I'm waiting for AF so I can ring the clinic and get the self-injecting started. I'm kind of in denial. I'm on a short protocol - no down regging. I basically start injecting on CD2 and the retrieval is about a week after my usual O day. Has anyone had this? I'm not in UK, so it's harder to know what's what. My only guess is that it's because I have a lowish AMH.

Anyway - trying to think positive, although it's not coming easily. I feel like it's not going to work. I'm scared to hope - it's so fucking painful. I kind of think it's easier to just be numb, but then I feel like I'm undermining myself.

Thoughts to all. Hope there's some positive news out there.

closephine85 · 02/05/2017 09:04

Thanks ladies, I feel better knowing that im not alone in these thoughts. It's not something I've ever discussed with friends as I felt I might offend them as they might think I'm suggesting my one child is more precious than theirs! It really is a headfuck and I do worry that I'm going to hold him back from doing things for fear he might hurt himself (or worse). Need to try and find the balance.

Lux - sorry to hear you didn't get a pre ivf miracle. I was determined that it would happen on my January cycle before ivf too. It didn't obviously! But I kept saying to DH 'it's going to happen this month, we won't need ivf' and he kept looking at me as though the plot had finally gone Grin

Have you been set a date for egg retrieval before your cycle has even started? Or is it just a rough date? I just wonder if they are perhaps predicting how your body will respond to the drugs based on AMH etc, but I don't think they can know for sure until you're a bit down the line - I was scanned every few days at a clinic where I live to see how the follicles were growing, then when they reached a certain size, Serum told me to book my flights to Athens for my egg collection a few days later. I don't think I even knew for definite until we got to Athens (we arrived Tuesday, I was scanned Wednesday and then egg collection was Friday). It's all artificial so I wouldn't pay much attention to your usual ovulation date. Good luck though, I hope it all goes smoothly for you!

AF arrived for me today (I've been hoping for a post ivf drugs boost miracle!!) but on a positive, I only had 1.5 days of spotting beforehand which is brilliant compared to what I've had in recent cycles and I'm hoping means my body might be settling down post ivf as I'm still really keen to do a natural FET. Hoping for July but still waiting to see what happens post op recovery wise. Stuck in that limbo again at the moment!

OP posts:
Luxnuova · 02/05/2017 09:52

That's good news about the reduced spotting, Close - does sound like your body is settling down. Fingers crossed for the natural FET. You have two frozen blasts, right?

They just gave me a rough estimate for the egg retrieval (I pumped them for info as I'm in a job where it's really tricky to take time off without much notice). Yes, I'll be in for scans, etc. I think it's just that the short protocol sounds so minimalist compared to most other people's experiences I read on here, that my fatalist streak is in overdrive Grin.

I'm definitely the protective one when it comes to DD. My DH is far more gung ho. So, I feel like we balance each other out! I try and think that this acute sense of mortality that we're experiencing is a kind of weird, painful silver lining. That thing that makes you tear up and hold onto them so tight, it's like the opposite of taking things for granted and coasting along not knowing what you have. That's my pollyanna-ish contribution for the day, anyway Grin

closephine85 · 02/05/2017 12:26

I did short protocol and ended up with 13 eggs (9 fertilised and 4 made it to blast) so don't write it off! Yes, I have 2 blasts but they are in one straw so (if they survive the thaw) both will be put back at the same time. Half wishing we'd frozen them separately now, but I know really what will be will be either way.

I like your pollyanna contribution :) it's definitely true. I look at all these 'so glad it's the end of the holiday and the kids go back tomorrow!' posts on Facebook like Hmm I love having my boy with me and am always sad and the end of the holidays.

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lat1085 · 04/05/2017 13:35

Hi ladies,

I'm sorry there hasn't been any success on the board yet - you're all right, it is a massive headfuck and I definitely obsess and overprotect my dd due to it just being her. I still treat her like a three year old (she's 5 1/2!) and bath her, wash her hair, sometimes feed her, dress her.... I don't want to let any of this go as it's looking like we'll never get it again.

Our sixth ivf transfer has just ended in another chemical pregnancy (our third), so it's looking very likely that immunes are an issue for us and my body is killing off pregnancies. Not sure where we go next to be honest - I was always prepared to keep going with ivf until we got lucky, but now even that is probably a massive waste of time, money and emotion. I'm not sure I'd cope with another bfp and then it all ending horribly again.

What the hell have we all done to deserve this, eh?! I am the angriest person on planet earth at the minute. How awful, shitty, abusive, neglectful parents can have child after child and we're all being deprived of the chance of just one more...... 😤😡 x

user1490948702 · 04/05/2017 13:59

Hi lat, I'm so sorry about your chemical pregnancy. That sounds awful and I also have immune issues so have a particular empathy about it (as well as a hell of a lot of long term infertility empathy). I hope you can process it all over some time and decide the best thing to do. I have no idea how much I should pursue this either.

I also treat my 6.5 year old as a little baby at times and definitely unwilling to let go of it. At the moment he's happy for me to come with him when he goes to university so it should be fine Grin.

mrskittenpie · 04/05/2017 21:20

lat I am so so sorry to hear you've had a chemical pregnancy. What an absolute headfuck.
I totally understand what you mean - I am so angry too. Angry at the world, angry at nearly everyone. Am sick of feeling this way, it's such a waste of time but I really don't know how to get out of it. I deal on a daily basis with rubbish, useless parents who don't deserve any children at all and yet they can have so many, it is so bloody unfair.
We went out last night with a couple who got married in February and she is obviously pregnant but they aren't telling anyone yet. I HATE this bit, waiting for the announcement, I could hardly eat last night because I kept expecting them to blurt it out but they didn't. I feel like texting her to say please please don't make an announcement when we are in a big family group and I'm there, I just can't do it but judging by their smug faces and silly little comments to each other -they must think people are stupid - no doubt there will be a dramatic announcement. It makes me feel sick. Sorry, as ever I am bitter at the world and my infertility defines every thought

Luxnuova · 07/05/2017 05:00

I just wanted to add my sympathy, lat. I've been thinking of you, as I know you were about to do a FET back in the early posts of the thread, and had my fingers crossed. A chemical is so unfair, and I think it's entirely fine to just feel fucking angry and hurt. I hope you can get some information about any possible immunes issue. Sending thoughts to everyone. Just started stimming here; not as bad as I thought it would be, but just feel so nervy and edgy about the next few weeks.

closephine85 · 07/05/2017 07:45

Lat, I am so so sorry to hear about your chemical Flowers it's so unfair. I often wonder what I've done to deserve this too. I think though, it's just down to a massive dose of shitty luck Sad so don't be too hard on yourself. Has your DH had his DNA fragmentation tested? Just asking as it is one of our issues and although the embryos can all look completely normal, it is possible they are chromosomally abnormal and can result in early miscarriages. I was told if I get pregnant from ivf my chance of miscarriage would be higher than normal before 9 weeks. Just dandy!

MrsKitten - sorry to hear about your meal on tenterhooks. I find I am suspicious of pretty much all women who are of child bearing age. I have this fear of being told in public or face to face and not being able to hold it together. Perhaps we need a range of t shirts with some kind of witty slogan warning others to be tactful? Answers on a postcard for what it should say!

Lux - glad to hear your stimming is ok. I found it helped to just take it all one day at a time and tried not to think ahead too much.

As for me - we have the option of going back for our FET at the end of June or at the end of July. If we go in June the flights are cheaper as it's out of school holidays. However we have a big wedding to go to early July and if our cycle has just failed (ever the optomist me, I literally can't imagine that I might be there pregnant!) and I'm there surrounded by newborn babies (there will be at least 3), I may find it all too much to cope with. If we go in July the flights are already really expensive and as we can book until a few days before, we run the risk of them being extortionate. WWYD?

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