Long term Secondary Infertility - anyone want to chat?

[closephine85]

Recently I've been feeling like I don't quite fit on any of the threads currently running. I know there is a support thread for ladies with secondary infertility already which I dip in and out of. However, now having watched many women come and go on that thread and seeing new ones come who haven't been trying for so long and are a lot more hopeful of a happy ending than I am, I just want a place to vent/moan/hate on this crap situation but to also be able to refer to the fact that I am a mother (obviously insensitive to do so on some of the other support threads, but where I actually feel more at home).

About me: I have a 5 year old son and have been ttc a second child for 3.5 years. 3 failed rounds of iui and a recent failed round of ivf/IMSI. We have 2 blasts in the freezer but I'm fairly convinced they aren't going to work either due to DH's high DNA fragmentation, I think they are probably chromasomally defunct. So if/when that doesn't work, we either admit defeat or move on to donor sperm. Both shitty options.

I feel defeated. Like I have failed as a mother. I can't give my son a sibling and even if I do, there will be at least 6.5 years between them. In the meantime he has to put up with me being always just a little bit miserable...

Anyone care to join me for a bitch and a moan?

Hi guys! I've been so busy with work I've not been on here, but only a week to go now thank goodness. Then I can actually get my thoughts in order and hopefully start the IVF process within the next few months.

I dreamt I was pregnant last night too! Was it the weather or a grand, long-term secondary infertility shifting in the Force?! I was going to have a girl (which if I'm quite honest I would 'choose' though obv I'm not fussy!!!!) and we were deciding to keep pregnancy and name secret for a long time. Maybe influenced as one of my best and oldest friends has just had a girl (her first child, as she blithely says with the certainty of the fertile!). I'm long past taking dreams as a sign of anything, and I've just finished a very long visit from AF. Pah!

Good luck, mrskitten, for next week. It is all so scary isn't it, but moving forwards and getting appointments is positive too.

I'm so glad about the biopsy, close.

I'm sorry about all the baby bombs. I'm mostly going through births at the moment.

I keep trying to make my peace with how things are and I often feel like I have done, but days like today waking up from that dream I do feel sad and just a bit dreary, like nothing is happening in my life. I put my career into a holding pattern and so it's very humdrum and after I leave my job next week I'm terrified of that decision too. Grrr.

Off to help out at the school fair tomorrow for an extra dose of everyone else's children. I'm not in the mood for this at all! Hope you have good weekends.

Was it your IUI today, close? Sorry for not realising that, combination of heat and work is making me quite dense. Wishing you a lot of luck.

Good luck tomorrow MrsK! I hope you manage to get some answers this week. What tests have you had done before now?

Scipio - hah! Wouldn't it be great if it was a shift in the force!? I'm afraid I have these dreams fairly regularly though. The best ones are when I've woken up early to do a pregnancy test, which had of course been negative. I'll then fall back to sleep and have the most vivid and real life like dreams that when I've woken up again I've either redone the test or gone back and checked the bin and it was actually positive. I then re wake up for real and it's just crushing!! How was the school fayre? Isn't it rubbish that infertility can put a downer/twist on what is just abnormal happy day for everyone else.

My IUI was a week ago Friday but feeling pretty empty in the womb department as usual. I do wonder if there could be something wrong with me as well. We've been told it's male factor, but so many others with male factor seem to have chemicals or miscarriages. We've had absolutely nothing in this whole time...

Thanks close - they're doing a 3D scan and blood tests. I go back on Thursday for the results. I've had a couple of tests done on NHS but the GP just said they were 'fine' and dismissed me - whatever that meant. She wasn't interested.

Fingers crossed about your IUI, when will you be testing? The empty feeling might not necessarily mean anything bad. I am really hoping for you.

close I know you've had IUIs before; I've had five and honestly felt the same in unsuccessful ones as in my one successful one so feel like you can't tell. However if you're like me and don't want to get hopes up I completely understand that approach too. I will be quietly wishing you luck over this week. The dreams that feel real are so difficult, bloody subconscious.

mrskitten wishing you well for the tests on Monday and for your results on Thursday. Horrid the way GP etc can just dismiss it as 'not my problem'.

The school fair was fine, thanks, though so many bumps and babies about of course. Like you say, close, it's just so annoying that infertility puts a different slant on things like that. I know I'm lucky in many ways and looking forward to a week's time when I can start enjoying time with my son rather than working all the time for a bit. I'm determined to have other aims on the go this year as well as IVF as obv I feel quite low about its chance of success so I want to have some definitel outcomes, including nicer family times as we are. Going to make a list of goals once I finish.

Thanks ladies - I think I just know how I felt when I was just pregnant with DS - very crampy and 'busy' in there - so the emptiness just feels the same as every other month. I won't bother testing unless there is actually a need. Gone are the days when I peed on a stick at every given opportunity. I actually despise the things now.

I'm whatsapping both a heavily pregnant friend and receiving baby pics from another. I'm being completely cooey and chatty but I just want MY baby now. Come on universe, surely it's my turn!? 😢

Sorry for self indulgent post. How did it go today Kitten?

close I am still keeping fingers crossed for you. One thing I have learned over the last 3 years is that our bodies can often play tricks (mine every month) so hopefully this feeling you have doesn't mean nothing is happening. I was a complete POAS addict but last month hit me hard with a late af, a positive clearblue test and loads of bfns after that so I will not be reaching for the sticks this month, just wait for af to arrive

I know what you mean about being cooey and chatty, sometimes I find the strength to do that, other times I just hide away. I just can't abide them moaning - I.e when they say I feel really sick/ tired etc - I'm desperate to have pregnancy sickness so please don't moan to me!! It's definitely the turn of everyone on this thread to have their babies now though.

It was fine yesterday thank you, had a blood test and 3D scan. The scan was really interesting, she showed me 2 dominant follicles on one ovary so of course I was excited then about the prospect of 2 eggs being released! I really am pathetic and have come back down to earth now of course. Results on Thursday, I feel sick with worry but what will be will be I suppose.

Hi ladies
Hope you are all doing okay. News from me - I've had the results from my blood tests and scan and there's no glaringly obvious problems, my amh levels are fairly low but she said that was to be expected with my age - approaching 40. So that's it really. She said a sperm analysis would be best but dh won't do that as he doesn't want any interventions.
On the subject of dh he has gone on strike this week - which just happens to be ovulation time. I tried to initiate but he said I was only after him for one thing and not interested at any other time of the month - which isn't true but I do tend to initiate more around that time. I feel absolutely gutted. It's hard enough plodding on after 3 years anyway but to have dh turning it all round and saying it makes him anxious is just ridiculous. So this 2ww will be fine as there's no prospect of a surprise bfp. What a waste of a month. Also we've booked a very expensive Caribbean holiday - it has been put on hold for a couple of years but there seems little point waiting anymore. Maybe this is the start of me coming to terms with being a one child family? Although that thought fills me with sadness. Sorry for the moan, I've got no one in real life to talk to about it anymore

Just popping on to say hi to you and so sorry you're having a hard time, mrskitten. I am glad there were no glaring issues (my AMH gets ever lower) but sorry it's hard with your DH. My chances of conceiving naturally are pretty much zero so any non IUI month is a 2ww free month which is sometimes easier but also harder when you know a pointless month.

The holiday sounds lovely but I know exactly how that ambivalence feels. We did a big trip at Christmas after some umming and ahhing (losing a good month for going to see specialists, what if I were miraculously pregnant, etc.) and it was a good decision for us, but just wish we could all book holidays etc and do nice things without that undercurrent of sadness.

I don't want anyone else to be in this boat with me but I do so appreciate hearing that i am not alone in my feelings so moan away as far as I'm concerned!

Thinking of you for tomorrow, close.

Thank you scipio - like you say it is not nice we're in the same awful situation but at the same time it is a comfort to have some empathy.

You are spot on with that undercurrent of sadness when planning things. As much as I am pleased to be going on the holiday it does feel like a consolation prize in some ways and I know it will play on my mind that the reason we are there is because of my failure to get pregnant.

How are things with you? Have you finished work now?

Yep, that 'consolation prize' feeling - know it so well! Sometimes people have said to me 'You're so lucky' to be going on a nice holiday or something and I do feel like saying that it's not the luck I'd have chosen. Since I'm not working for this year and focusing funds on IVF we are having a cheapy UK holiday so I'll have to work on not being jealous of the families of 4+ jetting off! It never ends!

Thanks for asking about things. Last day at work tomorrow and some leaving events next week. I know it was the right decision for me to focus fully this year on IVF and then move on but it's been an emotional time and I'm sorry to leave the people and children I work with. I just want it done now so that I can focus on getting healthy (weight is not good again right now) and pushing through with the IVF. Is it defeatist to say that I kind of feel like this year is going to be an expensive and stressful year of futility that I just have to do in order to draw a line under it?!? Well, that's how I feel right now anyway!

Fuckity fuck, spotting started today 😢 Knew it would, all the usual pre AF signs but still I allowed myself to hope! Can I ask ladies? Do your breasts hurt in the run up to AF? And if they do, roughly when do they start to hurt? I'm going to ask for 21 day bloods to be done this month as I haven't had them taken since the gp did at the start of all this almost 3 years ago. I'm worried my progesterone might be dipping too soon as my breasts tend to hurt from 8dpo ish. Surely if implantation usually occurs around 9dpo it's possible that it's dipping too soon? Anyway... going round in circles with this but the dr just gives me progesterone pessaries, rather than actually check! I didn't use them because I don't want to use something I don't necessarily know that I need!? Does that make sense?!

MrsKitten - sorry to hear you didn't get any really answers. Has your DH had a semen analysis done at all? Sounds like it's all getting a bit much for him too? I think we forget it's tough on the guys too sometimes!

Scipio - hope that your last day went well! When are you hoping to do your ivf?

Hi close, so sorry about the spotting. Really hoping for you still.

I do have breast pain quite early on in cycle and have for the last year. Definitely think you should get your bloods done to check although I don't know much about it, but anything to get more info sounds good. GPs and doctors can be so so so unhelpful about not wanting to get to the bottom of things. I don't normally get ovulation lines without medicated IUI and no one wants to know as they just say 'well we can medicate it'. And yet I feel something like this could also be a hindrance and worth looking into!

Wrt progesterone pessaries I have always had them with IUI but I have to admit I don't fully understand how they would impact on a short luteal phase. I think if they aren't effective enough you could have progesterone injections instead. The pessaries are a pain as for me they give me indigestion and mimic pregnancy symptoms. I've just kept doing them as I did them with my first IIUs (and second one was successful many years ago).

I would push for all tests you can. One of the reasons I've left my job is so I have the time and energy to keep on top of treatment and push them, as I find that if I'm not pushing no one else seems to be (despite the money going their way...). I really hope you get some more answers soon to help.

I'm thinking Sept or Oct for IVF, maybe. I have to probably do dummy FET so that might slow things down. And I now need the summer to improve my weight and health. If I can't take it we won't necessarily continue with ivf after first go as I don't know how I'll feel, but am sort of thinking maybe three gos maximum from the year Sept 2017 to Sept 2018. I don't know if I'll be able to fit it all in and frankly money will be tight after two so we'll see.

Dummy ET I mean, not dummy FET.

Sorry not been on here for a while but trying to catch up!

I also had a dream about being pregnant! Hope it's a good sign as we could do with a break and a bfp on here.

What a situation to be in kitten on the one hand it's reassuring there are no issues but on the other hand it's difficult there is 'nothing to fix'. Sorry it's all so hard. I can understand about your DH not wanting interventions as I feel exactly the same. Hope you enjoy your holiday though I can understand the tinge of sadness.

Scipio you must be pleased to have finished work now and able to concentrate fully on IVF. Really hope it all goes plain sailing.

Close sorry about the spotting but I can resonate with the hope I thought I had stopped hoping but found myself doing exactly that this month even though I can feel AF coming any day now. I don't get the breast pain but sounds like a good idea to have day 21 bloods done.

I've had two sessions of acupuncture and I honestly feel so much better within myself. That deep sadness has gone and I feel like myself again which I such a relief. Obviously I'm sad I'm not pregnant and this won't be the month but I just have to keep on trying.

Fucks sake, so fed up of plastering on a fake smile. We had a wedding yesterday and it was tiny baby and pregnant lady city. I did manage to have a nice time, but it's like there is this rope round my waist holding me back all the time. Oh and anyone follow the 'unmummsy mum'? Baby number 3 on the way there of course. Another friend baby bombed on fb yesterday too. I just wish infertility didn't make everyday life so bloody hard. If it never happens for us (which I fear is increasingly likely) how in the hell do we make peace with the situation and not spend the rest of my life sad...?

close I know exactly how you feel, I'm exactly the same. Sorry to hear you had to endure that, I had similar a few weeks ago and everyone was talking about babies because it's all so easy for everyone else. Baby bomb too, just the worst. I've had a scan pic sent me yesterday - and she knows exactly how bad I feel and yet boom there is was, unbelievable. I am also currently avoiding a friend who keeps trying to meet up to tell me she's pregnant - I already know through someone else - do I really need to have an in my face announcement? She's another friend who should really know better. And I totally get you with the sadness part, it is hard to imagine it ever going away, I will always be sad and bitter about it as I know it will never happen for us now

Baby bombs here too and it makes it so much worse when you're told in person! A text will do
fine so that I have time to compose myself but oh no that's just too much to ask of people even though they know our situation

I've had my day 3 blood test done through my GP and she has also arranged for me to have the day 21 test done. I've enquiried about an ultrasound scan with create and they can do this as early as next week but I'm just bricking. Hoping I am able to book it for this week without getting cold feet again.

I know a few people are on to their third and even fourth pregnancies and it just makes me feel so upset that we've been trying for so long and not a hint of a bfp since my mmc in 2015.

dizzy that's what I don't get either, why people think it is necessary to tell us face to face. It is so inconsiderate of our feelings but they don't care because they are okay. It drives me mad. At least with a text you don't need to pretend to be happy (and then avoid them for the next 8 months or so - maybe that's just me!)
Cd1 here - what an absolute shocker yet again. You'd think I wouldn't think it was a massive kick in the face after 3 years but I still do. So I'm going to throw myself into decorating our spare room - it's been lying empty for years in some kind of pathetic 'what if' state but I really need to get over it now. I am so pathetic it is untrue

You're not pathetic at all kitten. Sorry AF has arrived. I know we can be so hard on ourselves god knows I often want to scream at my body. I look around and people have at lease three children and I feel really deflated but then I think it isn't our fault and try to go easy on myself but it's the hope which eats at us little by little even though it's been so long there will always be 'maybe this is our month'. We've put so much on hold and it's hard to let go of that dream. Sometimes I feel okay and other times I just feel so down about it all.

I also avoid pregnant family and friends as much as I can. It may sound selfish but I really can't deal with all that pregnancy/newborn talk. People really are inconsiderate and you're right so long as they're okay they seem to lose their common sense and tact!

Thanks Juliana - so basically it's all our fault

Dizzy and Kitten - the insensitivity of others is astounding. It really is. I think part of the problem is that it is so personal and heartbreaking what we are going through, that we don't tend to speak up/defend ourselves that much. I will often think I'd like to be brave and post a long rambling fb post about secondary infertility but I know it would fall on mostly deaf ears.

Hi can I please join?

I have a DS who will be 3 next month, conceived via FET after round 1 of IVF failed.

Always thought he'd be an only child as was so happy to have him and couldn't entertain the idea that we could go on and have another, we felt so lucky and so relieved that we had him.

When he turned 2 we started to think about trying again. Tried naturally for a few months. Did IVF in December and FET in March - both failed . So £12k in debt with nothing to show for it. Currently trying naturally with view to try IVF again abroad in a few months, however I am 39 in January so feel time is running out .

The BFNs hit DH hard, we have male factor (morphology issues) so he blames himself.

This month he is trying Chinese herbs that were given to us by our acupuncturist. I take pregnacare, folic acid and coq-10 (when I remember).

It's hard isn't it

Glad the spam post has been deleted what utter bull people spout!!!

I'm so sorry you find yourself here bibs. It really is a long and hard slog to keep on going.

bibs welcome to our supportive board. Sorry you're in the situation too, it really is hard isn't it. This board is a good place to vent though.
And another baby bomb this morning, honestly I am absolutely surrounded, how come it is so easy? I am angry today. To be told there's nothing obviously wrong with me then af cheerfully turns up bang on time as usual. I am utterly sick and tired of it all now. It really is soul destroying to try and pick up the pieces again.