Long term Secondary Infertility - anyone want to chat?

[closephine85]

Recently I've been feeling like I don't quite fit on any of the threads currently running. I know there is a support thread for ladies with secondary infertility already which I dip in and out of. However, now having watched many women come and go on that thread and seeing new ones come who haven't been trying for so long and are a lot more hopeful of a happy ending than I am, I just want a place to vent/moan/hate on this crap situation but to also be able to refer to the fact that I am a mother (obviously insensitive to do so on some of the other support threads, but where I actually feel more at home).

About me: I have a 5 year old son and have been ttc a second child for 3.5 years. 3 failed rounds of iui and a recent failed round of ivf/IMSI. We have 2 blasts in the freezer but I'm fairly convinced they aren't going to work either due to DH's high DNA fragmentation, I think they are probably chromasomally defunct. So if/when that doesn't work, we either admit defeat or move on to donor sperm. Both shitty options.

I feel defeated. Like I have failed as a mother. I can't give my son a sibling and even if I do, there will be at least 6.5 years between them. In the meantime he has to put up with me being always just a little bit miserable...

Anyone care to join me for a bitch and a moan?

Lat I’m genuinely very pleased for you. After all your struggles (heck, we’re all struggling here) I’m glad you got your bfp and wish you well. How are things going?

Sorry to everyone else still going through this nightmare. I still am and we decided a couple of months ago not to pursue IVF so no point in me having any further tests. We’ll just plod along until we’re ready to give up.

I’m sorry we have newbies on here who are dealing with this torment. It’s been very quiet on here and probably because we don’t have much left to say! I sometimes find it helpful to come on here and post and other times I just can’t even bear that as it just gets me down.

It really does suck

hobbes nice to go hear from you. I know exactly what you mean re the things they come out with. I dread the day DD says something similar. In fact I massively over compensate because of this and play with her all the time as I don't want her to feel lonely or different to her friends who nearly all have siblings. This is just so shit it's unreal at times. One mum baby bombed me with her news the other day. She was the only other mum in DD nursery with one kid, now she has another on the way woohoo. I always smile and congratulate but never hang around for the obligatory chit chat i.e. 'this time we'll definately sleep train' and 'blah just can't wait to be a big brother' and 'we'll have to get a bigger car but just can't decide'. Yawn. I couldn't care less at this point lady, all I'm thinking about is how quickly I can get away from you without appearing rude.

close any updates with you, how are you? Thinking of you, hope you are well and coping.

Congrats lat its always inspiring when one of us finally gets a result. Gives the rest of us a tiny ray of hope which we shall cling to against all odds!

Welcome newbies, sorry to hear of the sadness and longing you are experiencing. Its a nightmare, that is all

sorry dizzy didnt mean to miss you out. That is a brave decision. Only you know where the line is. for you. Wishing you luck

Hi @Weedance - I'm exactly the same - smile and say congratulations while inside I'm dying and desperate to leave. There's a mum in my village who is pregnant with her 3rd and she probably thinks I'm completely antisocial but I avoid talking to her as much as possible since she baby-bombed the news in the middle of my DS 4th bday party in our house! I know she couldn't know, so it's not her fault, but with every birthday that goes by for DS the happiness is mixed with sadness about how time is rushing by and he still doesn't have a sibling, so I was only just keeping that at bay, when she gets her DS to announce the news! I think im losing friends over this shitness as I can't bear to be in same space as people with more than 2 children. My DH always wanted 3 or 4 children - and we've had to give that dream up already as it will be a miracle if we get to 2. Anyway, sorry for the rant - hope that miracles happen for us all - have appointment on the 5th to discuss my 2 frozen embryos... just want to hurry up and do it already! X

Hi all

Lat - congratulations! Whilst I can’t lie - other people’s success is always going to be a bit bittersweet, it is great that someone has managed to battle their way off this thread at long last. I hope all goes well for you from here.

Dizzy - I’m plodding on thanks, similar to you I think. Sometimes I want to come on here and let it out, other times I just think there’s nothing else to say no developments here yet, waiting to hear about donor sperm but the clinic are being quite slow to get back to me answering questions etc so not sure when it will be.

Welcome to newbies and sorry you’re here. It’s a rubbish club to join!

DS asked this morning whether the seed was still in my tummy (referring to IVF) when I said no he asked where would be a good place to go to get a new one put in!! I asked would he be upset if we never had a baby and he said he thought he would. Dammit. He also asked if he’d still be my favourite if we did have one It was very out of the blue, we haven’t talked about it all since our failed cycle in sept/oct.

Hi all

I'm still here too. Hope you're all doing as well as you can be.

I agree - I lurk here - I'm still bitter and angry. Cd 1 here again.

dizzy - we're at the just plodding along phase until we decide to give up. It really is unfair.

I avoid the pregnant ones too - the ones with their second or more mostly. I can't stand to be around them. I'm currently avoiding a family member - smug fertile - and a friend who has been with her other half since September last year and they decided to have a baby straightaway so naturally she is pregnant now.

hobbes that baby bomb sounds horrendous.

weedance - I hate those conversations too - I really don't give a shit whether they need a bigger car or what their child said in reaction to the news, bore off.

New hell for me is a family member telling me to try basic things - like I hadn't thought of them - she must think I'm stupid - ovulation test anyone? And also a friend who is ttc her second and is really down as it's has been 2 months now and why hasn't it happened? So I'm waiting for that baby bomb any second whilst trying not to say I don't know why it hasn't happened in 2 months but try ttc for 4 years like me then you will have something to moan about

Oh closephine. I just sobbed really badly at what you little guy said.

I think I’m really premenstrual and having a not coping day.

We have a ds from ivf 3 years ago and I’m probably too old to have another one now. Apart from the fact that my husband refuses to try another round of ivf......he’s happy with 1 ☹️ And we had 3 rounds of ivf and 2 other frozen embs with only him as a success.

I’m trying to get rid of his old clothes but I got really emotional about it and had to close the cupboard. He looked so cute in them.....

I’m probably being ridiculous but I’m going to have a laparoscopy and attempt at tubal recannulation to see if I can get my left tube functioning again. It’s my last ditch attempt before I give up.

And in the meantime I’m booked in for counselling for help to come to terms with things.

It’s rubbish how you cling to signs that you might be pregnant though isn’t it? Each month wondering if that bit of blood a few days early was an implantation bleed? In September my period was 2 days late. That was awful.

Sorry, just had to rant to someone and I empathise with all of your thoughts. I’ve got 4 mum friends due in feb and June and I think I hate them all. That 12 week scan picture on WhatsApp sent to torture me .....wishing it was my scan instead......

I’m sure the rest of you will have success eventually. It’s just a matter of time for you. I think my time has run out and I’m struggling to come to terms with it. Having said that a friend of mine had ivf twins at 46 so don’t give up hope! Good luck mums....

Sorry to make you sob Lardy! I still have ALL of DS’s clothes hoarded in the attic. The longer I leave it, the harder it gets. I put everything up there, he’s 6 now and it’s getting ridiculous but I’m not strong enough to do anything about it.

I’m awake in the middle of the night again. I get insomnia in the run up to AF. I haven’t worked out if it is hormonal or stress related. Either way it always feels like my body sticking two fingers up to me: “no I won’t let you sleep, you can just lie here and think about the fact you’re not pregnant again” ffs.

Kitty - I’ve also had people ask if I’ve tracked my ovulation. I mean they must think I’m pretty stupid if after 4.5 years they think I wouldn’t have done something so basic. Maybe next time I’ll go into graphic detail about the vaginal scans I’ve had month after month to do just that.

Sometimes I find myself clicking on the conception board and reading through the threads. It’s like another world. Women admitting they’ve had a cry over a bfn at 9dpo on their first month of trying.... who CAN’T BEAR the two week wait. Who will then be sure to be back at 14dpo giggling about how silly they were to test early as they now have a bfp.

Hi ladies, I hope you don’t mind me joining this thread?

I’m 28. Been ttc for 15 months (so nowhere near as long as the rest of you) with no pregnancies. I have a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I feel like I’m running out of time to give her a sibling as the age gap just keeps getting bigger and bigger. We’ve had all our hormone and SA tests done and all came back fine. Had a 3D internal US and again, all seemed fine. Just waiting for an appointment for a SIS/HyCoSy and potentially a hysteroscopy.

My periods have been a lot lighter since I had a d&c (and a resulting infection) back in April 2015. I suspect scar tissue and/or blocked tubes is my problem. My periods usually last 5 days but 4 days of that is brown bleeding which is a common symptom of uterine scar tissue. This month I only bled for one day then had nothing which was very odd and I have no explanation for. I stopped doing opks on the advice of the nurse at the FC but my cycles have been a bit wonky since September and then with this one day bleed, I’ve decided to start doing them again this cycle.

Wishing you all lots of luck for 2018!

Weedance I dread those conversations and unfortunately they’re really hard to avoid! I get the overcompensating thing as I do that with DD too

Kitten you’d think after so long ttc we’d have tried most things, especially starting with the most basic ovulation tests. Some people say these things in such a ‘lightbulb’ moment kind of way as though they’ve hit the jackpot with their unsolicited advice

Lardy I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time and to hear your troubles to conceive your DS. You’re not being ridiculous at all if you think the laparoscopy might help then go for it at least for your own peace of mind that it’s something you wanted to try and won’t look back with regret if you don’t have it. I also hope the counselling helps.

Close I try to avoid the conception boards for the very same reasons! People moaning because they’ve not conceived on their 1/2/3 cycle and ‘am I pregnant’ with a list of symptoms (again on 1/2/3 cycle), uhm, how about testing or waiting a few days to test as nobody can answer that and then the ‘is this a bfp’ while posting a positive test which you can spot miles away, it’s quite infuriating! Then there’s those who are worried that they haven’t conceived after 2 months

Welcome bubblegum and sorry you find yourself here. The age gap is something I worry about as well. I always thought there’d be a small gap between DD and any sibling but unfortunately it’s not worked out that way. Hope your appointment for the HyCoSy comes through quickly and you can get some answers as to whether there is something going on which could be preventing conception.

As for me, I don’t think I ovulated the last couple of cycles as I didn’t get a positive on my ovulation test but AF arrived on time I think. I say think as my period varies month by month and when I was ovulating that would also vary (so it’s a given cycle length would changing depending when I ovulate). I started acupuncture with a new lady last week and will commit to it weekly for 3 months. Will see whether it makes a difference to my cycle but obviously the overall plan is to get pregnant! wishful thinking

Hi everyone - how are you all doing? I'm having a hard time at the moment - The friend who baby-bombed at my DS birthday party had her baby the same day we had our FET (which is the 8th embryo in total I've had transferred over 5 transfers). Just taken a FRER (Im 7dp5dt) and it's a stark white BFN. We have one embryo left but it was late to develop and not as good quality, so I'm not hopeful about it. I just feel so utterly depressed. I don't know how I will ever be able to accept it's not meant to be..? I feel I'm going to keep trying and be utterly broke and physically and emotionally ruined, but I can't let go yet. How does anyone? I wish someone could actually tell me "it will ever happen" as while awful, it would stop this tiny glimmer of hope teasing me until menopause...

FUCK (sorry, had to let it out)
It's just all so shittingly unfair.

I'm off to put money in a kitty towards a new baby present for the lucky cow who's just had hers. Feel so irrationally angry about her getting a 3rd baby easily and gifts while I'd give anything for just the baby! She's really nice too, I'm just a bitter cow.

X

don't think I have posted on the thread yet but have been watching it as starting to feel like I qualify for this horrible club. Unable to conceive without IVF. Have had 3 failed FET or fresh cycles (MC, CP, BFN) trying for a second.

Hobbes I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. Don't beat yourself up for the bitterness. You're not alone in it. It's good you're still trying to keep up the friendship. I've struggled with close and not so close friends having their second or even being around others with 2 young children. It's hard seeing people coo over a tiny baby, or seeing someone breastfeed and wonder if I'll ever do that again. (Had to wean earlier than I wanted to try a FET which makes me sad and bitter). Hard seeing bumps or hearing someone tell me how easy it was for them to conceive! Yes really.

When is your official test date? There's still a chance this time isn't there? It's good you have a frozen one.

I get the "if someone could just tell me" too. I don't feel ready to accept it's never going to happen but we are facing next time being our last go. I've already been onto the one child families board to try and start seeing some of the positives if we do find ourselves in that situation & discussed those with DH. Won't write them here though. I am desperate for another but starting to really doubt it will happen. It's shittingly unfair, you are right. Xx

hobbes so sorry to hear that, it is utterly shit. And you're right, it is all so bloody unfair when others have it so easy.
I'm having a bad time too. Baby bombs everywhere. The most recent being a friend who was ttc her second for all of about 5 minutes and was annoyed because it hadn't happened in her first month. It's devastated me as she was the last of my friends without 2+ children. So I am alone now. I can't see her, I can't ask how she is, I don't want anything to do with her and I feel terrible because she was such a close friend but I cannot get over it. Dh thinks I am ridiculous. A family member is too and I've seen her once since she shoved the scan picture in my face ignoring the fact I'd cried on her shoulder many times about my infertility. I can't see her either, I'm just not interested in these selfish cows who haven't got an ounce of compassion towards me because everything is rosy in their world. No one gets it in real life. No one. I'm sick of being angry and sad all the time and I have changed so much. Sorry for the moan, you lot are the only ones who know how it feels.
Hi hello - I too wish I could just be told for definite rather than have a glimmer of hope which is utterly ridiculous. I ordered some pregnancy tests the other day (ha!) and my account said - you last ordered these 3 years ago. FFS how humiliating

I really feel for you mrskittenpie (awesome name btw).
so far only 2 of my baby friends have had second babies. DS is 2.5y
I'm kind of lucky in the way that one of the friends is old like me and one only actually wants 1 child.
it's hard that husbands don't get it. I often think about having secret ivf with donor sperm.....but I'd probably get ohss again and be really sick.
I'm having counselling to help come to terms with things. and in the meantime doing stuff like drinking wine and having botox (obvs not together....) to make myself feel better. I just wish we could all be blessed with a second child. I've even thought about praying....shit how desperate am I??!!!

I wish husbands could be more understanding and cry with us and feel our pain and I wish more the anything that there would be a miracle. I keep thinking about buying those ovulation tests but since ovulation isn't my problem I don't see the point. It would just taunt me....look your ovulating from a blocked bloody ovary....great....

that over...wine open....DS in bed......x

Hi everyone, I’m still here, still lurking just without much to say!

I’m after a bit of advice... I think I’m about to be on the receiving end of a face to face baby bomb and I don’t know what I can do about it! It’s a friend who has no children and suffered a miscarriage about a year ago so I NEED to be pleased for her but it’s going to coincide horribly with finding out whether our first donor sperm round has worked (I’m strongly suspecting not as My womb is feeling very quiet ) and I just don’t know what to do. I can’t exactly message her in advance and ask as if she’s NOT that would be a horrible message to receive. I think maybe I just need a hand hold from people who get it. I know there’s no way out of this other than pulling on the big girl pants and plastering a fake smile on. She’s the sort of person who is going to think face to face telling me is better but it just ISN’T. Sorry I’m waffling... I’m just dreading it. I have until Monday to get my head together.

Hope everyone else is ok

Hi closephine - sorry to hear you're in this position. I have been in it so many times and it is horrible. I totally get how you are feeling, it would be so much easier if you could ask beforehand but some people really don't get that a face to face 'announcement' is a million times harder to deal with. My advice is that usually people are so wrapped up in their own happiness that they don't notice (or care) about anyone's reaction. I get through it by plastering on a fake smile, asking a couple of questions, the little the better, then escaping as soon as possible to cry. Then I avoid them as many times as I can (I've been known to change plans lots so as not to see them). They are usually in their happy bubble and don't really notice as there are plenty of people fussing over them. It will be bloody tough though and come on here to vent.
Hopefully your empty womb feeling doesn't mean it hasn't happened though, am keeping fingers crossed for you. You just might not be having any early symptoms. Are you finding out soon?

Hi closephine85 - how did you get on today? Was there a baby bomb? Hope you're okay if so

It wasn’t a baby bomb very glad I had just kept quiet! I think I’m just so suspicious and scared of everyone. Feel a bit silly about my outburst on here now!

Donor sperm round one hasn’t worked. Going to try not to panic just yet (although have of course googled and seen loads of people getting their BFP first time!).

@closephine85 - glad it wasn't a baby bomb. Don't feel silly - I am suspicious of absolutely everyone like that and in my experience the inevitable baby bomb always comes at some point anyway.
Sorry to hear donor sperm didn't work this time. Look after yourself. And definitely don't panic yet, it is early days.
I went out for the family event with the girl I have avoided since she presented the scan at me. Horrific. She spent the entire time rubbing her pregnant tummy in a 'look at me' way. Look I get it, you're pregnant, I'm barren, there's no need to shove it in my face.
How is everyone doing? This thread is quiet nowadays

Hi everyone! I’ve not been here as got really ill with other things and ivf disappeared as a possibility. I’m still not sure it will be possible for us given my new and worsening health issues. I’m 39 in a few months so feel like time is ticking away quickly and angry I gave up my job to do ivf and move forward one way or another and was thwarted.

And I’ve just been babybombed so came here to say ‘arggghhh!’. She is a good friend. Secondary infertility for her and they had ivf and she thoughtfully let me know by text but still so bloody hard. I feel like all my allies and children my DS could relate to just disappear. Supposedly there are more one child families about but not in my bloody town where it’s all 3 children in perfect age spacing it seems. Bit bitter here!

Anyway will catch up. Sorry to all who are still here. Hope that some more people get lucky soon x

I think the thread is so quiet because it gets to a point when there isn’t really much else to say :( depressing but true! I find I just go endlessly around in the same circles.

So sorry to read about your health problems Scipio AND the baby bomb. It gets to a point where even those having treatment upset you with their success which again is rubbish. I’ve basically cut myself off from a particular group of friends who are all currently having babies. I just can’t do it anymore with the fake smiles and being forced to attend baby showers. Just not doing it.

I’m now seeing names I recognise on other threads on here pop up for round 2 whilst we are still here :( it’s a tough card to be dealt.

I think you are right about going round in circles, close. Even before the latest lit I’ve had chronic health probs all my adult life and when they first got bad after a year or so I was so bored of talking about them - what’s the point, nothing changes? Good preparation for long term secondary infertility!

Thanks for your good wishes. I’m sorry about your group of friends and timhibk you’ve done the right thing to protect yourself. I had to step back from a friendship a year or so ago. The baby is nearly a year old now and we’ve built bridges and reconnected in the last six months but I just couldn’t handle it before. She’s a good friend who could be understanding too and I feel like it people can’t be like that then you don’t need them anyway.

I’m so sorry about your donor sperm first go not working, too. When will you try again?

I’m at GP next week. My thyroid may be back within normal for the first time in a year. But it won’t stay there which is a big part of the new problems. I’m wondering if it’s perimenopause. Half of me wants that just to be finished with it all!

I’ve had a lovely day with DS pottering and do feel he’s probably better than most people’s first second and third kids put together!

Haha Scipio, I know what you mean. I’m pretty sure my DS is THE BEST I could ever wish for. However, would love to resolve all of this for his sake as much as ours.

Ugh does any one else feel like they are in a constant cycle of bad luck? It’s not just infertility, we seem to be having a bad time of pretty much everything at the moment and I’m just so fed up with it. That phrase about life turning on a dime... wish ours bloody would soon! I’m am SO tired of feeling just a little bit miserable at all times and sometimes worry I’m somehow doing this to myself by feeling this way.

Hi close totally understand what you mean about resolving things. Your DS is keen for a sibling isn’t he? It is hard when they talk about it. Mine doesn’t mostly but he often says his best friend is like his brother and that they look alike which makes me think he does want that sibling bond in some ways. He doesn’t know yet that his best friend (another one child family) is moving to a country most of the way across the world in a few months. So that’s great!

I know about the sense of bad luck. Along with my worsening chronic health problems I have had a good friend suddenly die and another one be diagnosed with terminal cancer. I keep thinking I should be more grateful for things as they are as clearly things could be worse but the health things getting worse makes that very difficult. And yes, I think ‘maybe if I’d been grateful for my DS and not been greedy I wouldn’t have got iller’ as if the universe is punishing me for daring to be discontented. I imagine ‘maybe if I accept my lot with one child the universe won’t keep making me iller’ even though I know that’s not how it works as I’ve seen its unfairness with my lovely friends lately. But your mind keeps playing tricks on you. Is there anything nice you can plan for yourself to look forward to? I think that is going to be my only way to get through the next little while - make some nice things happen (with money of course which is hard when you are saving for fertility things) myself whatever the universe wants to do!