Long term Secondary Infertility - anyone want to chat?

[closephine85]

Recently I've been feeling like I don't quite fit on any of the threads currently running. I know there is a support thread for ladies with secondary infertility already which I dip in and out of. However, now having watched many women come and go on that thread and seeing new ones come who haven't been trying for so long and are a lot more hopeful of a happy ending than I am, I just want a place to vent/moan/hate on this crap situation but to also be able to refer to the fact that I am a mother (obviously insensitive to do so on some of the other support threads, but where I actually feel more at home).

About me: I have a 5 year old son and have been ttc a second child for 3.5 years. 3 failed rounds of iui and a recent failed round of ivf/IMSI. We have 2 blasts in the freezer but I'm fairly convinced they aren't going to work either due to DH's high DNA fragmentation, I think they are probably chromasomally defunct. So if/when that doesn't work, we either admit defeat or move on to donor sperm. Both shitty options.

I feel defeated. Like I have failed as a mother. I can't give my son a sibling and even if I do, there will be at least 6.5 years between them. In the meantime he has to put up with me being always just a little bit miserable...

Anyone care to join me for a bitch and a moan?

So it's like the universe thought 'how can we fuck with her the most? Oh I know... there's one other boy whose an only child in her son's class. But she says she doesn't want any more children? One is enough for her? Oh we don't care about that. We'll take her and make HER pregnant. That would absolutely hilarious. Closephine would just love to deal with that on top of everything else'.

Oh that's just shit close. It's the absolute worst when other 'only' parents abandon you. And really hard that she was the only one in your son's class. There are a few in my son's and it has made it easier so I can imagine how you feel. I look askance and assume anyone under 50 is just waiting to get pregnant as soon as my guard is down. I do avoid the bump people if I need to and as long as I need to, will happily ignore at pick up etc if I need to but is horrible being forced into proximity.

Good luck to everyone. Trying to get on top of things and keep up with the thread but my health keeps slipping again. Hoping things will get better soon

I have found my thread!. We have DD(11), and people have stopped asking "when are you having another".

Any pretence at a 'sex life' has gone to shit. I am sick of looking at calendars. The five 'best days' always seem to co-inside with shitty days at work, or other life admin. We begrudingly try to DTD, but usually fail

Have made appointments for IVF (self funding), but even then, I just feel we will be laughed at (I am 46 and DW is 43).

Hello all, sorry I’ve been absent for a while, took the latest af appearance badly yet again.
close - so sorry to hear about your chemical pregnancy - that must have been been so difficult, as if we don’t have enough heartache. And I totally understand how you feel about the only other single child parent announcement. I’ve been through similar. I’ve got a friend who’s ds is a similar age as mine and she’s got divorced, found a new partner and has just told me she’s now come off the pill. Great. Another friend I will now have to avoid as I’m already dreading any meet up/text. Which makes me feel like a complete bitch but I just can’t help it. I won’t be able to cope with it and we were so close and I’ve cried on her shoulder many a time about my infertility but I honestly don’t see how I will be able to keep seeing her. I’m already suspicious she’s pregnant and I feel sick at the thought.
Hope everyone else is doing as okay as they can - sorry I’m on my phone and can’t scroll back. Just wanted to say I’m still here, still infertile and still angry at the world. Ds keeps saying he would do more stuff if he had a brother like all his friends. I know.
And I too would have loved a houseful of kids - when I see the bigger families I get so sad, especially when there are really small age gaps - smug fertile bastards - I hate them. Sorry everyone, bad day

Hi all, I'm still around too, in the same position after 3 failed rounds this year and am going through much the same! Big love to you all and sod all this for a lark!
I'm so sick of other parents sympathetically asking 'do you only have the one?' with their 2nd/3rd/4th baby strapped to their chest. First of all, there is nothing 'only' about my child, in the sense that she is a bonfide miracle conceived via ICSI after years of ttc. Secondly, don't patroise me please, or presume I want your sympathy. Sympathy in itself is fine but not from some stranger in softplay that i've known for 2 minutes, who are so concerned with my 'only' status they are failing to control their 3 under 5's who are happily trashing the place. Just piss off.

It’s utterly shit and I also hate it when people feel the need to remark and point out our ‘only’ child with the added head tilt smug fertile fuckers!

I tried making an appointment with a private clinic for an ultrasound but they don’t seem to want my money as I’ve been waiting to hear back with an appointment date! Though I’ve looked at DH’s SA results again from earlier this year and realised how bad they are so maybe that’s the cause but to make matters worse AF decided to arrive on day 23 I haven’t got a clue what the hell is my body doing. Anyway I’ve decided the acupuncturist I see is not the right one for me as I’ve started getting migraines again and my cycles gone off the rails so have packed that in for now. Now just awaiting birth announcement from a cousin and I’m sure there’s some pregnancy news coming my way from someone soon so need to brace myself for that while just wanting to hide away them all.

Hah weedance you made me laugh with your soft play comment. Talking of 3 under 3 a colleague of my husbands popped up in front of us heavily pregnant at a local park and was clearly so self involved that she started going on about how she would have 3 under 3, she must be mad etc. I mean choose your audience... surely anyone with any common sense might think twice before saying that to someone with an 'only' 6 year old in tow...?! I actually just walked off and left my DH to deal with her. I don't know the woman and I really didn't need her in my face rubbing it in. I know she wouldn't have been doing it intentionally but she really should have just stopped to think.

Dizzy - can I ask what your dhs analysis results were?

My body had also been messing me about - AF still on time but I've been having random aches in my right ovary. There doesn't seem to be a pattern but it's like a throbbing, I'll have it for a day or so and then it disappears again. My last ultrasound was only September with the FET so assume it looked ok and think I was having it then too but we have an appointment with the local clinic next week to discuss donor sperm so might ask about it then as well.

We are hoping to give donor sperm a go in November/December - if it works, well then amazing. If it doesn't work, then it's a whole new can of worms and investigations for me I guess...!?

I know exactly what you mean - I too am sick to death of the pitying looks when they realise we ‘only’ have one - do just fuck off with your fertile smugness - I’m so bitter nowadays.

So news from me - we’ve just got back off holiday when I did indeed ‘relax’ which is all we need to do apparently to conceive - because it’s that easy - and af arrived 2 days early - what a sick joke. My body is truly laughing at me each and every month.

I realised how messed up mentally I am by my infertility yesterday - a family member asked if they could visit last night and I spend all day feeling sick worrying about the baby bomb I thought there was going to be. There wasn’t one (this time but will be soon) but I just can’t deal with them. I’m currently avoiding seeing another friend at the mo as I know she’s going to announce her second too. I can’t keep on like this but I don’t know how to cope with it.
Other thoughtless comments I’ve had recently are ‘well I expect you’ve got over wanting a second now’ - oh yes it’s just a fucking switch so I’m absolutely fine - what is wrong with people? How do you ‘get over’ that?!

close - how strange about the aches - I get twinges and stuff too sometimes and I wonder what’s going on in inside me- apart from absolutely barrenness of course. Hopefully all is good with you. Good luck with the donor sperm, keep us updated

dizzy - I know what you mean, I want to hide away too.

weedance - yes I get exactly what you mean too. There is definitely nothing ‘only’ about our amazing children

close are the pains ovulation related? I sometimes get ovulation pain on my right side, never on the left. if it's around that time of your cycle it might be a possibility?

kitten I'm bitter too. I find it helps in a funny sort of way. I reckon all that 'oh gosh crazy me, having three under 5's, what am I playing at?' is just false humility. It's a total stealth boast.
I too run from the second baby bombs. i know it makes you feel a bit unhinged to be hot footing it in the other direction as soon as you sense one in the air, but screw it, we have to look after ourselves and i find it increasingly difficult to fake joy when what I really want to say is 'of course you're pregnant, so is everyone else, 2nd, 3rd is it? slept together only once in 18 months and it just magically happened did it? woohoo.' And then all the tedious 'oh we're just mad having another aren't we' chat. Ugh.

weedance - I have exactly the same thoughts! I think you’re right - we do have to protect ourselves.I find myself not caring if I come across as a weirdo - it’s better than having to pretend all is well. When my friends yet again say insensitive crap like ‘it’s so difficult managing 2’ I find a cold hard stare does the trick for me. They probably don’t notice in their smug ‘we’ve had as many kids as we actually want’ bubble but it means I don’t have to try and say anything to it. I honestly don’t get how friends can be so insensitive.
There’s a baby bomb just waiting for me at work as well, isn’t it funny how infertility means you have a a super sense about these announcements? Unfortunately I work in a dept where women who are pregnant are put into to work alongside me so you can imagine how joyous work makes me feel as yet another pregnant woman traipses through the door for a few months, I have to watch the bumps grow, endure all the baby talk then they go off on maternity and another one comes through the door. It’s a special kind of hell

kitten that sounds like torture. You must have some serious resilience to be able to deal with the conveyor belt of maternity leavers. You are a legend!
Yeah friends are not always particularly thoughtful with their passing comments, nor family. At the weekend my sister made a comment about my DD waiting to play with me. I explained that its so boring waiting for grown ups to stop talking and DD had been really patient. My sister (who is 15 years older than me) said 'aww well you must know how she feels, you were like an only child too weren't you.' Cheers sis
I guess nobody knows what the right thing to say is, but I'd rather they say nothing than make fatuous comments like that. It's the complete insensitivity that I find gobsmacking

Close DH’s motility is 22% and morphology is 1%. Can’t remember his count now but it was good.

Kitten your work situation sounds incredibly difficult and I can only imagine what you must go through on a daily basis. It’s easier to avoid people outside of work but when you have no choice in the matter it really eats away at you.

Weedance my sis in law said ‘oh poor DD has to play all alone’ she’s lovely and didn’t mean it like that but it’s the lack of tact and thoughtlessness that must drive people to say whatever comes into their head. I wish they’d just keep quiet and not draw any more attention to my situation. My friend, who has three children, and is the same age as me, kindly pointed out that we should get on with it if we want another as she struggled for a year to concert her third due to her age

I’m starting my fertile week and I really can’t be arsed with it! I’ve also booked reflexology but I may as well hang myself upside down from a tree after dtd it won’t get pregnant because nothing ever does

On another note we went to a family wedding at the weekend and I said to DH they’ll expecting a baby next while we still continue to struggle. Her brother got married a couple of years back and had a baby. It really kills me that we’ve been trying for so long and nothing. Really down about it all right now.

Oh and I chased the clinics for an appointment but the next one is towards the end of the month when AF will be here so I’ve left and will book when I’m feeling a bit more with it as right now I feel nothing will help us no matter what and if I’m honest I don’t want to have IVF anyway.

weedance it is absolute torture. I’m not sure you would think I’m a legend though if you saw me- there’s a lot of leaving the room (sometimes for a cry) and often a point blank refusal to engage in any baby talk. I must be a bundle of laughs to work with. To keep me slightly sane I play ‘guess who’s going to get pregnant next’ in my head so when it happens I’m kind of prepared. I work where as soon as someone is pregnant they have to change roles so as soon as I see a female in their own clothes I brace myself. I am aware I sound crazy now!
Oh yes the breathtakingly insensitive comments - that must have really hurt you.
I hate the platitudes- one friend who sent me a pic of her positive pregnancy test - like I needed that - said ‘I just know it’ll happen for you too’ - I wanted to reply just fuck off you don’t know anything of the sort.
And I’m going to meet up with a friend this week where they’ll be a 2nd pregnancy announcement- I’m not sure how to get through that - why can’t people just text? And I don’t mean pictures of the bloody tests - rather than want to tell me face to face - I can’t hold it in and always cry - it’s grim.

dizzy - sorry you’re feeling so down with it all too. Sometimes it’s overwhelming isn’t it. At least we’ve got this board to talk it through.
I know exactly what you mean - it’s the inevitability of the quick pregnancy announcements isn’t it? Sometimes I can’t believe that next year will be our 4th year of ttc and there have been so many babies in that time, I feel sick with it all.
I know what you mean about can’t be arsed with it all, neither can I. It’s all a load of rubbish and the thought of another ‘fertile week’ fills me with dread

Kitten We have cousins who have had many children between them whilst we have been trying but thankfully it’s not very often that we see them. One is due any day I think and I’m on edge waiting for the announcement. The worst thing is each time I’ve thought ‘oh it’ll be us next so and we’ll be expecting before they give birth’ hahaha no such luck!! It’s just something I want to get away from. I don’t want to track my menstrual cycle, apart from making a mental note of cd1, I don’t want to POanysticks, I don’t want to have ttc sex and I certainly don’t want to symptom spot or be filled with dread when I get AF symptoms. I just want to be done with it all it’s consumed every inch of me and I fear it will have an impact on DD but I just can’t get away from it

dizzy - yes I keep thinking next time it will be us but that’s just a stupid wish for us now.
I’m exactly the same - I’m so, so, so sick of ttc, the hope you have, the disappointments, the just trying to get over af and onto the next month, etc, etc. I fear the same too but don’t see how it can’t impact on ds - he keeps saying he would do things- go to clubs etc - if he had a brother and that is heartbreaking.
Somebody back from maternity leave today - she’s had a year off. They have a child about 7 then last year decided they wanted another so of course it happened immediately and she was in the office laughing about they never have sex but had to give it a go and it was instant. At this point we’d been ttc a couple of years so that was painful to hear but the fact she’s had the baby and had a year off and come back and I’m still barren is really hard to swallow

That really is heartbreaking kitten. DD keeps saying how she’ll have lots of fun when she has a sister or brother and I keep thinking if it ever happens. It’s truly shocking how after trying for so long we still have that hope every single month only for it to be shattered again and again. This month was particularly bad as AF arrived 5 days early so clearly the acupuncture hasn’t done much good although I have been to another lady since and realised the previous one wasn’t putting needles in my stomach area so not sure if that will make any difference.

I also have reflexology booked for tomorrow. May as well just throw my money around chasing this dream I have heard good things about her but then again we have male and possibly female issues as my LH level was a bit on the low side and I have a history of endometriosis along with low AMH (told about this prior to conceiving DD) so who knows whether we have any chance but I’m willing to try as not wanting to give up either.

dizzy it is so heartbreaking isn’t it that we’re thinking if but yet the hope is always there every month despite all the time that has passed. I was similar to you - I was a couple of days early this month and couldn’t believe it - it’s still a shock when af arrives - I’m so pathetic.
Tonight’s sad moment was ds saying look at that lady - she’s got a baby in her tummy- I didn’t look - there are some things you can’t put a brave face on for.
Sorry the acupuncture didn’t work - it didn’t work for me either despite her saying that there was no reason I wouldn’t get pregnant** - ha.
I did reflexology a couple of years ago too - was nice and relaxing - I hope you enjoy it and it works for you. I don’t know what to try this month - I think I’ve tried everything - certainly all supplements and alternative therapies.

Hi ladies,

I’m currently sat in the bathroom with a sickness bug, so have found the time to do an update in what’s been a crazy busy couple of months.

I’m so sorry you’re all still going through this sh*t. We are too. Four years next month since we started trying, and no hint of a natural pregnancy at all in that time. We did our seventh round of ivf last month (fourth fresh) and it didn’t go well. They retrieved one mature egg, but by some miracle that one egg turned into a great blastocyst and the result of genetic testing on it came back as normal! We were gobsmacked as I’d written the cycle off entirely. So we’re gearing up for a frozen embryo transfer this month sometime, alongside all the medication to try and prevent another miscarriage. If a proven genetically normal embryo can’t get us a baby, then I think we should start thinking about giving up, but I doubt I will. I just want this too much. Like all of us. It’s nice (but so heartbreaking for you all) to read how it affects you all, and it makes me not feel so crazy for my weird (and sometimes quite scary!) thoughts. Everyone I know is having/had baby number two (one friend didn’t start ttc until we had been trying for 18 months - she now has a nearly two year old and a five month old in less time than we’ve been trying for one!!). For god’s sake, how bloody unfair is that. Dd is such a great little girl, and she doesn’t seem to mind too much that she hasn’t got a sibling anymore, but my heart breaks for her all the time. When she’s playing alone, in the back of the car alone, etc. We take our 2 year old niece out with us for days, and I sometimes find myself imagining they’re both mine and I hate having to give her back.

I avoid pregnant people whenever possible, and have actually had a fallout with my bro and sis-in-law as they have struggled to accept that I found it really hard with their new (second!) baby, who was born a few days after our third miscarriage. People haven’t got a bloody clue how much damage all this does to your mental state.

Anyway, I’m sorry for the long rant. I log on every few weeks and really think/hope that I’ll see some happy news. One day I hope, for all of us!

Xx

Hi lat - hope you’re feeling better soon. That’s great news, keep us updated about your transfer.
I avoid pregnant women too, can’t help it. Yesterday I got a message off one of my friends who is having her second and who I have talked to at length about my infertility and should know to be sensitive and it said - 6 weeks to go! - I have completely ignored the message - how insensitive. And I was going to see a friend last night who is ttc so I messaged her first to ask whether she was pregnant because I knew I couldn’t cope with a face to face announcement.
My ds breaks my heart when he is playing on his own. It’s just so bloody unfair, and I totally get the time scales thing - people have had 2 or 3 (twins and single) in our ttc time. FFS

lat that is really exciting news! fingers crossed this is the one that sticks for you.
i know what you mean about wanting it too much. it's hard to know when to stop. I spoke to a clinic the other day and the consultant told me that if we can afford to, we can keep going with ivf until the age of 44 but after that there's no point. it filled me with dread as at 41, I hope I'm not still banging my head against a brick wall in 3 years time. How depressing a thought is that.
I know the guilt is awful when they play alone. We have dd's mates over all the time because I over compensate for the fact she is without a sibling. My stepmum was telling me about someone she works with who is in her 40s and has teenage kids. Looking forward to plans once the kids flee the nest in a few years. Then you'll never guess what? A surprise pregnancy of all things! They were utterly shocked, couldnt belive it, what should they do, blah blah blah. Ugh. It made me feel pretty sorry for myself today I won't lie.
I just wish that we on this thread could get a result. We deserve it surely

Hello everyone,
Have just read most of this thread and shed a few tears and laughed a little. I have 1 DD aged nearly 4 - ICSI baby so we knew a second would be tricky but don't think we understood how lucky we'd been with the ICSI (1st full cycle success) and how we'd actually feel about only having 1. We stopped further treatment around 18 months ago as we just don't seem to make good/reasonable embryos (except for DD) and as an aging pessimist I didn't see why that would improve. Just like having IVF, stopping has also been a rollercoaster- initially we felt better- could focus on her and enjoy ourselves, plan holidays etc. The last year though I've been up and down and like many of you can be quite fixated on it, worrying about the effect on DD now and in future, feeling sorry for myself, jealous of friends/family/random strangers. Then I can also feel Ok. Currently my main focus for this is my younger sister having her second.

I've thought about counselling- has anyone had any through their clinic or elsewhere and found it helpful? Otherwise things I've found helpful are exercise, being open with selected people about our situation, and actively seeking friendship with other (likely to remain) 1 child families. Also terrible things have happened to a few people we know recently which does force it into perspective (though I know that doesn't always work- at times I just feel the same but more selfish for being caught up in my own situation when I try to put it in perspective).

Anyway, wishing all the best luck to those trying and thanks to everyone for sharing your stories Anyone else who has reached the acceptance/given up stage have any other advice for better mental health?? !

Hi everyone, sorry I’ve been MIA for a while, I broke my phone so lost my login and also not much to report!

Good luck with your transfer Lat - when will it be?

Welcome Hallloumi - not sure I can offer any advice. I thought I might be ready to give up after our last cycle but it’s actually just made me more determined. I do feel that time is a healer though. I am less crazy now at the four year mark than I was at the 2 year stage. Anything would set me off then, I felt so so bitter and angry, but don’t get me wrong, it’s still there and I totally still feel it but I think I control it better now. I think I’m more resigned than accepting. I vent here, but in real life I’m relatively subdued about it all now. I’m not sure it’s something we can ever get over, perhaps just learn to deal with?

As for me, we had a debrief with our local consultant and he suggested that my progesterone pre ovulation may be too high (basically it screws with the implantation window if it’s too high too soon). So I’m having a cycle to track it and if that is the case we can try steroids to lower it. Then there is just the hurdle of male factor to contend with. We perhaps try iui with dhs sperm a couple more times and then if that doesn’t work, donor sperm iui or save up for more ivf...?! Just got to wait and see what my bloods show next week at the moment and take it from there.

Hope you’ve all had nice baby bomb and bump free weekends x