Long term Secondary Infertility - anyone want to chat?

[closephine85]

Recently I've been feeling like I don't quite fit on any of the threads currently running. I know there is a support thread for ladies with secondary infertility already which I dip in and out of. However, now having watched many women come and go on that thread and seeing new ones come who haven't been trying for so long and are a lot more hopeful of a happy ending than I am, I just want a place to vent/moan/hate on this crap situation but to also be able to refer to the fact that I am a mother (obviously insensitive to do so on some of the other support threads, but where I actually feel more at home).

About me: I have a 5 year old son and have been ttc a second child for 3.5 years. 3 failed rounds of iui and a recent failed round of ivf/IMSI. We have 2 blasts in the freezer but I'm fairly convinced they aren't going to work either due to DH's high DNA fragmentation, I think they are probably chromasomally defunct. So if/when that doesn't work, we either admit defeat or move on to donor sperm. Both shitty options.

I feel defeated. Like I have failed as a mother. I can't give my son a sibling and even if I do, there will be at least 6.5 years between them. In the meantime he has to put up with me being always just a little bit miserable...

Anyone care to join me for a bitch and a moan?

for you I mean x

thanks [turquoise]
How are you getting on? I hope the results from the tests you were planning have been helpful, and perhaps shed some light on things for you x

sorry I mean turquoisedress
aaagh one day I will get my head around this emoticon situation properly!

lady what a horrible thoughtless thing for her to say! Of course you have a proper family.

Morning ladies, how is everyone?
lady - that is shocking for someone to say something so inaccurate and thoughtless like that. I hate being made to feel inferior like that when it is not true.

Well my only friend left who only has one child confided in me last night that she is ttc now having previously been happy with one dc then getting divorced, meeting a new man and now they are ttc. Whilst being really pleased for her how happy she is it has really upset me. Am now on tenterhooks waiting for the announcement as it won't be long will it? Then that will be another friendship ruined because I can't bear to be around pregnancy. I've lost lots of friends through this but I just cannot cope with it. I wish i could switch off and be around pregnant friends but the thought of getting that text through makes me feel so sick. Because it is not fair. It is not fair that absolutely everyone else decides to have a child and does and here I am still, stuck being infertile. It is hell.

It truly is not fair. People seem to so blithely plan their families - confidently estimating when they will be on maternity leave, or the optimum month for a child to be in the school year. Or celebrities aged 45+ saying they are going to start a family. It really is hard to stomach.

lady I completely agree. People have absolutely no concept of the pain we're going through with their confidence in planning. I'm taking ds to a party next week for the children of friends where they were planned exactly to the month with no idea that there would have been any problem with conception. I am absolutely dreading the smugness of them and all the other 2+ children families there. If I could miss it I would but that wouldn't be fair on ds. So it will be plaster on the fake smile and make jokes about how 'easy' just having the one child is for me again. Joy.

How are we all doing? It's been rather quiet on here.

Lady I can't believe some idiot said that to you! Of course you have a proper family and to say otherwise is plain stupid.

Kitten hope the party went as well as it could have. It's definitely not 'easy' having just the one child and that could be do to a whole host of reasons, which people just don't even think about. How nice it would be if people thought twice before actually speaking!

How is everyone else getting on? Sorry I'm on my phone and can't scroll back.

I had my day 3 bloods done but not exactly sure what they mean, although I think they indicate poor ovarian reserve, which would tie in with my previous AMH test done 5 years ago. I've decided to go for an a scan and consultation with Create as they treat with mild/natural IVF so rather than plodding along in the dark it will be worth knowing whether I can be treated.

Hi Dizzy, sorry I have been so quiet on here. I think you commented on my other thread so will have seen the absolute nightmare we had with our FET (for those who didn't read - it ended it a chemical pregnancy after a hideously drawn out week of stupidly low betas ) so now we are at a crossroads. Looking like we will go down the donor sperm route when we've managed to save up a bit of money but for now we are having an enforced break while my body gets over the trauma of the last month!

Hope everyone else is doing a little better!

So sorry to hear that close, absolutely awful for you. Its just so cruel. After all the stress and worry, to get so close only to have it snatched away from you is utterly shit

Kitten and lady I hear you. I dread the baby announcements, particularly the second baby and third baby texts... i was at the park at the weekend and there was a mum playing with her 4 kids and it all looked so perfect from the outside looking in. She was clearly close to them and the eldest was helping with the baby etc. It made me feel so sad I literally could have cried. Its so bloody unfair that some can just pop them out one after the other and there are those of us who have to really suffer for even a chance at it. I'd have a carload of kids if i could.

Dizzy best of luck with your consult. I've just completed the 3 cycle package with Create. All i'd say is if you are in London, try the St Pauls clinic. Its much newer than Wimbledon which is in need of a refurb big time!

I did comment on your thread close and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It's absolutely awful and I can't imagine the pain you must be going through. I didn't want to post it on here as didn't think you'd appreciate it coming from someone else

How did it go weedance? We're up north so looking at the Manchester clinic, which I believe is also new. I've had a look at their 3 cycle package but only very briefly. How does it work, if you don't mind me asking?

dizzy with the natural or natural modified 3 cycle package you can do the cycles back to back and freeze the eggs as you go along, the idea being that after the 3rd cycle, they pick the best embryos to transfer. But with this option, they only expect to collect 1 or maybe 2 eggs per cycle as you are going with natural selection - the body tends to produce just one dominant follicle per month. I don't want to put a downer on it for you as it didn't work for me, but it's got to work for some right?

Just keep an eye on cost. They advertise a package price of £7,500 for the 3 cycles but charge extra for literally everything including sedation fees of £1,000 a time, blood tests with every scan, HFEA fee, drugs, you name it, they add it to the bill. It ended up costing us double the advertised price, so about £14,000 in the end. What I would say is don't go with them because it seems cheap. They cost the same as everyone else in the end. Whatever clinic you choose, choose them because they seem to have experience dealing with your particular issues. Good luck x

I'm at those prices weedance! I would never imagined it to have cost anywhere near £14,000. I decided on Create though because they treat patients with low ovarian reserve and seemed the best option to go with. We also have male factor issues so would need Icsi. I can't seem to find other clinics that do this. So sorry it didn't work for you

dizzy yes if that's your issue then natural could be the way forward. Yeah my outcome is a bummer but don't let that put you off, go with your gut and whichever clinic you trust. Do you know your AMH? Alot of clinics rely on this for info about your reserve. I don't think you can get the test on the NHS though, might have to get it done privately if you want to find out

I don't know what my AMH was. It was done by St Mary's when we were referred for IVF prior to conceiving DD and I've never asked for the result. Might get it tested again but will see what happens at the consultation. Thanks weedance.

Hi everyone. I've been really ill for three months and idea of IVF is very much on hold or not going to happen given some of the illness I have (my autoimmune hypothyroidism has gone out of control and can cause miscarriage or problems conceiving. And there's lots of other things wrong with me too now). On the one hand this has made me retrospectively grateful for life before with my one child and being relatively healthy and I am just hoping I can get there again one day. On the other hand it has made me feel very angry that I have to be ill and infertile, so can't even enjoy the 'easier' time I would be having as I am so ill.

Yesterday at a class my son does two mothers (one with three children and a bump) were chatting loudly and not controlling their children. They are supposed to be quiet so the kids can concentrate. The children in the class's are all 4+ so if the mothers need to be outside with younger children they can be. I complained to the instructor at the end, I was so annoyed. I can't believe these women are even spoiling my son's activities now!!!

Sorry - rant over - it's been a horrible few months.

close I'm so sorry about your chemical pregnancy. All the in the world to you.

Thanks ladies

Scipio for you too. Sorry to hear about all your health problems on top of everything

Dizzy - I looked into Create as had liked the idea of a natural cycle. I posted a thread on here a year or so ago and if I remember correctly, the reviews were not great might be worth searching for it to see what others had to say.

I was at the hairdresser this morning and obviously found myself next to a heavily pregnant lady about to pop out number 2. Anyway, I noticed the strap line on one of her mothercare shopping bags 'welcome to the club'. Ugh. I can't seem to articulate why I find this so offensive, but it really irritated me on behalf of those not yet in 'the club'.

Scipio sorry you've not been well. I really hope things improve for you

I've been reading more about Create and agree the reviews aren't comforting at all close. After the info weedance gave me on here I decided to do some more research. I actually don't want to go with them now but don't know where else to go! Might start another thread asking for advice but fear I might turn into a serial thread starter!!! With you on the 'club' thing it's just petty and makes those of us not in the 'club' feel inadequate. There's no getting away from this shit

Hi dizzy I'm sorry I couldn't give a better review of Create, but I wouldn't want anyone to waste time and a ton of money like I have. I feel gutted about it. Create's whole thing is that they never turn anyone away, no matter how dire their chances are so they should only ever be a last resort I think. When I drilled down into their figures, I found that they have a live birth rate of only 8% for women over 40, so I never really had much of a chance, I was just desperate to avoid taking stimulation drugs. Another thing is Create massively pressure you to take stimulation drugs anyway, they call it a 'natural modified' cycle because they want you to get more eggs. I buckled and took the stims in the last round which I regret. I only ever wanted to go completely natural with them, that was the only point of going with them. I'd say if you are going to take stims anyway, you might as well go to a different clinic with better results as Create's are piss poor in comparison with pretty much everyone else and they are not any cheaper in the long run. As it happens, I'm going to have to do a stimulated cycle now anyway (going with IVI in Madrid) so I'm 14K down and having to do the very thing I was trying to avoid in the first place. Plan of action for you: get your AMH level tested. Get it done privately, the Doctors Laboratory on Harley Street will do it you'll get the result in 24 hours. Theres got to be somewhere in Manchester where you can get it done. Research it online. it'll cost about £90 but this test is the most reliable one that ALL clinics use to find out your egg reserve and how your ovaries will respond to IVF. If your AMH is ok, then you can do a stimulated cycle somewhere much better than Create. There are other clinics that do natural BTW, the Bridge Centre in London and The Lister do it now too. I know these are both in London but many of them have satellite clinics around the country where you can have your scans, then go to the main clinic only for egg collection. The Lister are excellent and their success rates are amongst the best. I had my DD via ICSI with them. I'd go back to them but I heard that the clinic in Madrid is best for women in my particular situation. I have to pull out all the stops this time as it's my last attempt. Good luck, I hope I haven't scared you too much with the bombardment of info!

close what a horribly offensive bag. That would have rubbed me up the wrong way too! They have no idea what it takes for some to get in 'the club'. I'll never buy anything from them again the twats

Don't worry weedance, your experience with Create was what made me look into it a bit more and then I realised that it's actually not what they advertise it to be at all, which is misleading. I too want to avoid the drugs as much as possible. London is too far for us to travel to and I'd find it really stressful even if they had satellite clinics near us. Having been through the rigmarole of fertility testing and being referred for IVF on the NHS previously has scared me off. I have contacted Care Fertility now they seem reasonable from what I can gather for an initial scan and they also do AMH testing so will see how the scan goes first, one blow at a time and all that!

Oh hold on weedance is a scan needed at this time or shall I hold off and get the AMH test done first? When do you start your cycle at Madrid?

I should think they will do scan and bloods on the same day x