Long term Secondary Infertility - anyone want to chat?

[closephine85]

Recently I've been feeling like I don't quite fit on any of the threads currently running. I know there is a support thread for ladies with secondary infertility already which I dip in and out of. However, now having watched many women come and go on that thread and seeing new ones come who haven't been trying for so long and are a lot more hopeful of a happy ending than I am, I just want a place to vent/moan/hate on this crap situation but to also be able to refer to the fact that I am a mother (obviously insensitive to do so on some of the other support threads, but where I actually feel more at home).

About me: I have a 5 year old son and have been ttc a second child for 3.5 years. 3 failed rounds of iui and a recent failed round of ivf/IMSI. We have 2 blasts in the freezer but I'm fairly convinced they aren't going to work either due to DH's high DNA fragmentation, I think they are probably chromasomally defunct. So if/when that doesn't work, we either admit defeat or move on to donor sperm. Both shitty options.

I feel defeated. Like I have failed as a mother. I can't give my son a sibling and even if I do, there will be at least 6.5 years between them. In the meantime he has to put up with me being always just a little bit miserable...

Anyone care to join me for a bitch and a moan?

Hi all
The worst kind of baby bomb tonight. I’m still in a daze. Newlyweds- obviously - family - went out for a meal and you know when you just get to that stage in the evening when you think you’re safe and there’s not going to be any announcements? I was there, relaxed, enjoying the evening, just deciding whether to order dessert when BANG a scan picture comes out. I feel so sick. I obviously didn’t have dessert, I don’t know how I didn’t run off and cry but I sat there with that painted smile on my face. Fuck. It’s not like I can cut them out of my life as they are family and I’m going get it shoved down my throat all the time now. I text dh and he just said to congratulate them - not one thought to how ripped apart I am feeling. I just feel very alone now

Ugh I’m sorry :( do those family members know about your infertility problems? I find secondary infertility is somewhat invisible and can be treated with absolutely no tact whatsoever. Even people who have been seemingly sympathetic to me in the past suddenly appear to have no understanding why their own pregnancies may be difficult.

close thank you. Yes they are fully aware, as are all that part of the family and I have confided in the pregnant lady lots of times but you are spot on, there was absolutely no tact whatsoever and my struggles are now completely forgotten. It astounds me how insensitive people can be. I didn’t sleep at all last night - kept replaying the horror of the announcement. Utterly horrific

poor you kitten. Just typical that they get married and boom, they're pregnant. it's not that you're not happy for them, it just makes you feel so sorry for yourself doesn't it. So upsetting and so bloody unfair.

Hoping your tests offer a bit of clarity close its always good to know more, hopefully there isn't an issue but if so, at least it's something you can tackle. i find the 'unexplained' label is the cruellest limbo and leaves you out in the wilderness, at least if you identify a problem you can work on it.

welcome Halloumi, sorry to hear of your struggles, I'm full of admiration for you though as many a time i've wondered if it's time to come to terms with things and accept our ivf journey is over. That's why this will be our last try. I can't do this again. I've no advice to offer really, i think you are doing all the right things and time is the greatest healer of all. I'm still at the stage of running away from baby chat and people with two kids. it's a funny thing, that. You'd think some people with two are the only people in the world in that position. They never stop talking about it. I'm lucky to have friends in my life with just the one kid, and most of my friends with two are working mums who don't tend to harp on about how wonderful parenting two children are and how 'the more you have, the easier it gets'. I've completely lost touch with my NCT group now as they've all had a second, some are planning a third and any talk revolves life with multiple kids. Apart from feeling utterly jealous, it's actually really boring to listen to and if I bump into any of them I literally make my excuses and run. You'd think my arse was on fire!

I'm actually feeling quite conflicted about this final round of ivf. part of me just wants to forget it and not bother as at 41, I am not feeling positive about it working. I also wonder if I'm doing it for the right reasons. while I'm desperate to have another child, I feel so guilty because I know how much DH wants it too. I feel if I tell him I don't want to do another round it'll crush him but at the same time, I have this niggling feeling we are wasting our time and money. its hard enough without feeling as if you are carrying someone else's dreams.

May I join? A lot of the recent posts really resonate with me as I'm 41 and have been trying for 2 years4months. We had primary infertility for 2 years followed by a spontaneous BFP. Like last time all the test results have come back normal (and AMH actually above average for my age). We need to decide whether to go for IVF in the new year (would be our first cycle) or whether the chances of success are too low to make it worth it. The age gap is getting longer and longer too, and we're still pretty exhausted from a non-sleeping 3yo! I've been reading "Parenting your only child" which has done a lot to help me rethink some of the reasons I had for wanting a child (definitely assuages the guilt a bit!). There are all sorts of reasons why stopping at 1 would be sensible. And yet I can't stop the longing...

welcome una and sorry to hear of your woes, infertility is totally shite.

I know what you mean about the widening age gap, advancing maternal age etc, it messes with your head and you start querying your own decisions, have i given it enough, should I give ivf a go, what if this is my last try and so on. Theres a few things you could do to help get your head straight. Have you been to see a clinic and talked to a consultant about your chances based on your hormone profile? It might help a bit. It'll either be a reality check or perhaps or it might be the ray of hope/nudge you need to go for it with an ivf cycle. I was told recently that I have a 10% chance of ivf working now (based on my age and hormone profile) and yet I'm still desperately clinging to hope! i have to say though, after that particular conversation i'm seriously considering donor eggs for a sibling as theres a much higher chance of success.

I'm not sure it ever leaves us, that maternal yearning. My mother is 75 and still has it! I think we are just so much more acutely aware of it due to our struggles with conception. Listen to your intuition, do lots of research and whatever you choose will be right for you i'm sure

Welcome una, we can all understand what you’re going through. I can’t see my longing ever going away, that’s the problem- I wish there was a magic switch then I could actually just enjoy my life rather than having this feeling.
Yes the age gap worry - time goes far too quickly. It is all shite.
weedance - donor eggs may be the way forward then if there’s an increased chance.
As for me - af will appear in the morning, I’m under absolutely no illusion that it won’t arrive. I’ve got a load of family events coming up where the ‘instantly pregnant after her wedding’ family member will be and all the excited family - urgh - been practising my false smile but am waiting for some insensitive comment like ‘well you can’t have a baby but X is having one’ and I will snap at that. Smug fertile fuckers. And the best of it is that when all that is happening I will have af, life really doesn’t get any better

We spoke to a consultant about a month ago - I asked about chances of success but she only referred me to the online IVF success calculator which is a bit useless as it doesn't take hormone results into consideration! That gave us about a 17% chance. I have thought about donor eggs and while I'd have done that if needed first time I don't feel positive about that for a second child - I see so much of myself and my husband in our son and I worry that I would feel different about a second child who wasn't genetically related. I've just had a hycosy so am hoping that this will give us a better chance - I think it helped last time so fingers crossed.

Sorry for those having to deal with insensitive people on top of everything else. Some people just don't get it.

Oof struggling a little. Thinking maybe I should come off social media. Lately a stream of previously infertile friends have all had their ‘miracles’ and I’m just so tired of it never being us. DH said the other day that it’s our turn now. He’s right, it really is, but apparently it just doesn’t work like that.

May as well update while I’m here too - it does indeed appear that I have high progesterone early in my cycle (before ovulation it should be under 3nmol, mine appears to rise to about 8). So we are trying steroids and iui in December. I keep flirting between feeling a glimmer of hope and then getting cross with myself for allowing myself to think like that... because as I said above. It just doesn’t work like that for us these days this all seems to be a very new area of research/theory so google is not turning up anything at all!

Sorry this is all very self indulgent! Hello to the everyone else

Weedance, think I saw you are cycling, whereabouts are you at?

That should be flitting not flirting

close I so get what you mean, I’m tired of it not being us too when it is everyone else. I am broken-hearted and cannot see how any of this shit is fair.

I reckon both flitting and flirting work close

it sounds like you are making progress though. I know it probs dose'nt feel like it but every time a hindrance is identified and dealt with it brings you a step closer. for you, it's crap when you feel like the last man standing. And not helped by some of the people around you who are well meaning but clueless, offering platitudes. ugh. Hence why I spend no time with my old NCT bunch anymore! x

oh and in answer to your question yes I'm about to do a cycle. 5th medicated one. It's my last go. Decided on a freeze all with pgs, find out once and for all if my eggs are totally crap. I'm quite calm in a way, it is what it is now. I've a fridge full of gonal-f, just waiting for AF and off we go

I'm jumping in - just did thread but I'm feeling very sorry for myself. I have a six year old beautiful daughter. She took me 3 years to conceive and never happened again. Found out mid ivf cycle my husband was hiding masses of dept so I had to pull the plug & then we split up. Never got to talk about it or anything just bam it's all over. I have a new partner but he has 3 kids and def dosent want more. My gyne issues continue & doctor told me today she wants to insert coil to control my bleeding. Insult to injury! Fuck knows just feeling very sad about it all. Always thought I would have a big family but I'm forty now.

We’ve all been a bit quiet lately!

Attila, sorry for the silence after you joined the thread and sorry for all you’ve been through. I can completely imagine that the longing wouldn’t go away even after the end of your relationship and it must be a kick in the teeth that your new partner doesn’t even want to try.

How did your cycle and PGS testing go WeeDance?!

AFM just started my usual spotting today after trying a new treatment this month so it’s quite disappointing. We were hoping for a miracle but we knew the odds were against us (our IUI cycle was cancelled as DH’s sample was less than 1 million ).

How’s the festive season been for you all? I’ve managed a brave face and to genuinely enjoy time with DS over Christmas. Feel very grateful for what I have in that sense.

New Year’s Eve on the other hand can do one. Last NYE we had the hope of IVF ahead of us and DH declared 2017 was going to be our year. Fast forward a year and we are 10k down and further away than ever.

Hey close, good to hear from you and get update. So sorry to hear about your cancelled cycle. What a total bummer, you must be feeling so disappointed. And the money! The money just adds insult to injury. Glad to hear you were able to enjoy time over the Xmas break, I find it does help to spend time with dd and forget it all for a while. Will you try again next year?

Well, my attempt was a total dud aswell. We ended up going to Reprofit in Czech, not a good experience sadly, got only one egg but it wasn’t suitable for use so they didn’t even bother trying to fertilise it. I’m still slightly unsure why as I’ve never heard or the term they used for it, but apparently the egg was empty inside. So it looked like an egg but once the cells were stripped away from the shell, they found nothing inside. They tell me it’s very common and routinely happens on cycles where many eggs are collected and we were just unlucky. I’ve never ever heard of this in my life. Same as you I’m just so, so disappointed. Also, one of the doctors was a bit mental and had a go at me in reception right in front of other patients for calling her a nurse! She was pointing to her badge saying “i told you I am not a nurse, I told you I am a doctor”. WTAF. It was horrible. I’m not going back there again that’s for sure.

Oh WeeDance that all just sounds hideous, I’m so sorry you had such a bad experience! I can’t believe the way the Dr spoke to you either. Are there any grounds for complaint/to ask for a refund? Do you normally have more than one egg collected? Sounds like you were on completely the wrong protocol with that outcome and if you’ve done cycles before (even if not with them), surely they should have had a good idea of what would be right for you.

We won’t be doing IVF again this year. We are going to try donor sperm with iui in a few months time. Once and for all this time. I’ve been on a few of the donor websites, it’s very hard but we’ve got to that point now. Then if that doesn’t work I think I’ll have to go down the ERA testing route, followed by more IVF but that’s off into the future as we are out of big money for things like that right now. We are still paying back PIL’s for the last 2 rounds so we can’t exactly go grovelling for more.

Hi everyone

closephine - sorry to hear spotting has started - that always dashes my hopes too. Sorry your cycle was cancelled too.
You'd think after nearly 4 years I wouldn't get hopeful but yet again this month I dared to hope - af was 2 days late, just before Xmas too - so cruel. Festive season was okay - although I'm ashamed to admit that I completely avoided the family because of a certain pregnancy of one of the newlyweds. I just cannot face them so I've done my usual and stopped contact. I know I won't get away with it forever as there will be family get togethers and I'm really not sure how I can deal with their total smugness. It's sooooo easy to get pregnant, blah, blah blah. Then no doubt after this perfectly timed pregnancy there will be another exactly a year later or whenever they decide is the perfect gap. I'm still really bitter and angry. Yes new year can do one - I can't even be bothered with any of it. DS was so lovely this Christmas, but he has no siblings and he was lonely. It's so sad.
weedance - sorry to hear you had such an awful time - and for that doctor to have a go at you like that, how awful

Hi, I hope you’re all well (or as well as you can be while going through the shit that is infertility/fertility treatments). I’m so sad that there’s not more good news on here.

We had some good news after our latest ivf transfer (number seven). We got a bfp, and so far this one is sticking. I’m 7 1/2 weeks now, and have had a couple of scans which showed things were progressing well. It’s still early days, but our three previous losses were earlier than this so I’m hoping that we might actually make it this time! That, and the ridiculous amount of medication I’m taking to try to prevent another miscarriage....! I know it’s always bittersweet when someone gets a bfp and it’s not you, so I hope I haven’t upset anyone. If anyone would like to know what we tried this time, I’m more than happy to chat. Though maybe none of it has made a difference and this one would have just stuck anyway.

One thing I will say is that I genuinely thought all I needed was a bfp to make me happy - I can honestly say that the last few weeks have been awful 🙈 I’ve been ill with anxiety, literally ill with worrying it will all go wrong.

I so hope you all have success, and soon. I know we’re still not out of the woods yet, but I’m starting to be a bit hopeful that this nightmare could be over. We didn’t conceive once in four years of trying naturally. Our ivf cycles ranged from ok-ish to disastrous, and we conceived four times out of seven transfers but miscarried three times. I had no hope at all for our last round, where we had one mature egg retrieved! But it can happen when you least expect it (I’m not saying that it will just happen naturally - it used to do my head in when people told me that!). We just ploughed on and on with treatment (despite dh being against most of it, and we now have a mountain of credit card debt, but if we get a baby in a few months then I don’t care if I have to spend the rest of my life paying it off!).

Lots of love to you all, and I really hope for some amazing news for all of you soon. X

Hi Ladies (and gents, should there be any),

I’m new here and feel so comforted by the fact I’ve found a secondary infertility support group!

I have a girl aged 11 years and a boy aged 8 years! We’ve been trying to concieve our 3rd and final baby since Feb 2015 with not a single hint of a positive pregnancy test :(

I’ve had scans, bloods and always get a positive OPK (ovulation predictor kit) on CD (cycle day) 15/16 of my 31/33 day cycles. I have regular periods. My hubby has fab SA and therefore we have been officially diagnosed with Secondary Infertility. Heartbreaking!

Im currently on day 29 of my cycle...but am already feeling that my period is coming making us reaching the two years of TTC (trying to conceive) milestone...a milestone I so desperately didn’t want to reach. When we set out on this journey I never once considered that my body wouldn’t do ‘what it should’ or ‘what it had done so easily’ twice before! I feel so silly and down right foolish! Why us, why me...but then again...why not us and why not me! Many many people/couples go through both primary and secondary infertility and I’m not special...I’m not exempt from this just because I’ve had two children already! It’s terribly sad and as we already have two children the guilt I carry is pretty huge. I’m working on not feeling so guilty but I guess it will always be there.
As a couple we have decided that we will only go ‘natural’ as we already have children financially and emotionally I wouldn’t want to put any pressure on us as a family. If it happens it’s happening naturally. As our tests etc came back clear our only real option would be IUI (intrauterine insemination) or IVF (in vitro fertilization) and I think we all know how darn expensive they are!
Anyway, I’m extremely sorry for waffling on...if by any chance you did read all the way through then...thank you, thank you so much. I hope that each and everyone of us get out beautiful blessings very soon. Lots of Love ❤️

Ps I know some of these posts are almost 12 months old so if we have an success stories since I would love to hear them ❤️

Hi ladies, I've been lurking on MN for a while but feel compelled to write on this thread.

You have made me feel like I'm not alone in this. I'm so desperate for another baby that it's all consuming.

I have a gorgeous 3YO DD and my OH and I started trying for another baby 20 months ago. We fell first cycle with her so I assumed it would be the same. Nope, nothing. Every month there is the desperate hope that it's my turn coupled with the devastating reality that yet again my body has let me down.

We've been through all the tests, everything is normal. I'm ovulating monthly, his sperm count is high, nothing out of place on my scans. No reason other than 'timing' apparently (helpful and very technical diagnosis from my GP). As an aside the bloods identified I have type 2 diabetes which I'm trying to manage (had gestational diabetes in preg, in the words of Take That it's now "Back for Good").

I'm 38 OH is 37 and I really feel like I don't have much longer. Mostly I'm sad for my little girl who constantly asks for a baby sister and then it breaks my heart that I've invested almost 2 years trying for another and I should be enjoying her.

All my NCT buddies have had their second, I am the last man standing. A friend who had her baby a month before me is now pregnant with her third! Women at work have fallen pregnant, had their baby and returned to work in the time we've been trying. It seems to happen so easily for everyone around me and its soul destroying.

I was referred for a HSG treatment last week so once this cycle is over(currently ovulating) I'll book it in.

So many of you ladies on here have been through the wringer and I admire you immensely. It just takes its toll emotionally doesn't it and breaks you down.

I can't even talk about it IRL to anyone as they say the usual: "you have one" "be grateful" etc I know this and I am grateful, doesn't mean I can't want another.

Sorry for rambling on. It's just I don't think it will ever happen for me and we can't afford IVF. I'm from a big family as is my OH and we are both close to our siblings. I'm devastated at the thought of not being able to give my child the same.

Hi all - I'm also a lurker on this thread and have posted on others, but feel the need to post here this evening as just feel so sad. I am 40 and have a naturally conceived gorgeous 4.5yo DS - and have been ttc #2 since almost 3 years ago. We have unexplained secondary infertility - although discovered on our last IVF cycle that I have an unknown amount of endo (saw an endo cyst on ovary). We had a self resolving ectopic just over 2 years ago, and then 2 fresh and one frozen and a final fresh IVF cycle just before xmas. First cycle was a chemical preg, 2nd cycle went better (we got 1 to freeze) but BFN. FET was a BFN, and 3rd round was finally a success however I miscarried at 8 weeks having seen it was a mmc at 7 weeks. Soooo - we have two frozen embryos from the last round, as are hoping to go ahead with these soon, but I'm feeling utterly spent. My DS ad I were talking today and he said something that broke my heart - we were talking about his friend and whether he also had a dog - but he replied "no but he has a little brother - that is something I have wanted for a really really very long time, mummy" . I just felt 'me too' and wanted to sob. I'm scared shitless that neither of our frozen embryos will work and scared that by then I'll be 41 and the odds of IVF or otherwise working just go down all the time. It just sucks. to you all stuck in this shit situation x

Hi all, so glad I found this thread. I have a DD who is nearly 6 and been TTC for around three years with no luck. Not even a hint of a BFP and we have timed it nearly every month.... now thinking of going down the ivf enquiry as Lapyroscopy and hycosy all clear.... although that will require DH having analysis which he isn't keen on. Have tried to convince myself that I am lucky with one happy healthy DD (I am) but desperately want to give her a sibling and feel time has drifted by... good luck to all others. Does anyone know if I can self refer for ivf/fertility consultation? Presumably they want to see. Oath of us to start with...?!