Guide on what NOT to say to people going through infertility..

[Vixxfacee]

I thought we can have a space to share all of the stupid, outrageous and plain hurtful things that family, friends, colleagues and even strangers have said to us.

I will start.

Before starting ivf, friend says 'you really need to consider and get your head around adoption, they will match you with a child who looks like you'.

Same friend on a different occasion 'you should really go for counselling, I think the drama with your family is causing you not to conceive, your body is preventing it'.

Same friend when I told her I was spotting "you need to get the hospital to check you properly, you can't seem to hold pregnancies'. (I had a miscarriage 4 years ago and haven't been pregnant until now).

In the 2 ww after first round of ivf, telling another friend I was nervous she said 'have you guys ever considered adoption?'

Spotting at 5 weeks after having a fet and telling newly duffed friend I was going to the hospital, Friend says 'Oh can they just put another embryo back in?'

Same friend after I ignored the above comment "you need to have more sex, that's what I did and I've been pregnant twice'.

They are the more hurtful ones but I've also heard on many occasions:

Just relax
You need to try ovulation kits
Blah blah fucking blah

Anyone else care to share?

[ellesbellesxxx]

I would rather they said as little as possible than minimising or belittling the pain of infertility.
I think all that needs to be said is that you are sorry and really keeping everything x it all works out. A couple of people recently who I don't even know that well have asked if they can pray for me... that really touched me. Another friend said if I wanted/needed someone to come with me to appointments then she would happily help. Others have just said "thinking of you." Messages of support and love are all I ever needed!

[Dozer]

There's a lot to be said for just properly listening.

[Vixxfacee]

Just acknowledging that I'm going through something.
Nothing someone can say can give me what I want but to say that I need to relax as their friend did and they conceived straight away even though they had the same medical issue as me, or they knew their sons sperm count would be fine (I must look broken) or that I should start looking into adoption will NOT help. It doesn't make you look interested it makes you like like a dick.

[PurpleDaisies]

Some of things mentioned here don't seem that bad to me which makes me think that it's probably safest to say nothing at all but if someone is talking to you about infertility they must want you to say something...

I can't really see which comments "aren't that bad". Generally I'd say offering advice is a bad idea (just relax, have you tried whatever, why don't you adopt etc...). Just listen and be sympathetic.

I've had some crap comments. The worst was a good friend asking if I was worried my dh would leave me for someone who could give him children. On a thread about hyperemesis grav on here I've seen some twit telling someone was infertile that at least she'd never have to go through that...as if any of us with fertility issues wouldn't be willing to do it if it meant an actual baby at the end of it.

[lurkingnonparent]

"Why don't you just get a dog?" This from a very old friend. Who I now no longer see.

[ClementineWardrobe]

I've had a LOT of these, but by far the worst was being regaled with the story of a woman (a work colleague I'd not met but knew her name) who had a baby born by IVF using her late husbands frozen sperm. The baby was born with multiple mental and physical challenges. The story basically led up to reassuring me that ending up childless after all would mean I'd 'avoided this possibility'. FUUUUCK OOOOOFFF. I've never been so offended on my own behalf and on behalf of that lady and her daughter.
An annoying response for me was when a couple I know tried to say they'd been through a lot of difficulty too,having taken 5 months to naturally conceive twins....
Best thing to say is, 'God that just sucks. What can I do to help you?'

[ClementineWardrobe]

purpledaisies that was me on that HG thread. I remember replying that yes, I'd suffer that in a heartbeat...took me a while to post anywhere again on mumsnet

[ClementineWardrobe]

One of the best descriptions I heard of this situation is that fertility is noisy, while infertility is silent. It will make sense to anyone who has been through it.

[bananafish81]

"I'm so sorry"

"I can't imagine what you're going through, is there anything I can do to support you"

"It's really shit, I'm so sorry you're going through this"

The thing that touched me the most was a very simple text, when we told them about our first miscarriage:

"You don't deserve this"

Well meant comments telling me to think positively, stay strong, chin up, how they knew it would happen for me, try not to think about it, all desperately unhelpful

Having the situation acknowledged rather than commented on has always been appreciated

[PurpleDaisies]

Sorry clementine I shouldn't have brought it up again. It was just so spectacularly unthinking that it really stuck with me. Glad you're back posting again.

[ClementineWardrobe]

purpledaisies gosh please please don't apologise, absolutely not necessary! It was a corker of a thread, I did accept the apology from that poster as graciously as I could!

[ellesbellesxxx]

Clementine that is a really good analogy of infertility

[talulahbelle]

Being told by a (shortly after ex-friend) "you obviously don't really want a child, you won't try "

Fuck off you stupid dippy cow.

[EarlGreyT]

Friend who got instadiffed, and who knew we'd had several unsuccessful rounds of IVF, when we were in the 2ww after round 5 asked (when she was about 5-6 months pregnant) "can you recommend any creams for stretch marks"? Fuck me, no I can't. The insensitivity of some people is breath taking.

[IsthisMummy]

Both myself and DP have just been diagnosed with fertility problems.

I had to hang the phone up on my mother yesterday as I was crying saying I don't know what I will do if I can't have a child. Her response? "you'll manage. Lots of people do"

Well bugger me sideways mother. I don't want to spend the rest of my life managing an unbearable sadness. Funny that.

[bananafish81]

I posted this to FB, and my lovely DH shared it on his wall too. We all need a friend like Emily

[ellesbellesxxx]

I love Emily ❤️ If I had fb I would put it up! X

[daisyrosie]

A few from my MIL...I know she meant well as she was saying how it will happen for us eventually, but I don't think she realised how it came across. We've been trying nearly 5 years and are waiting for our first IVF. We're unexplained, I have pcos but am ovulating so apparently this is not causing any issues. MIL has picked up on fact that we are both stressed and not as happy as we were. So in pub on Christmas Eve she says we need to try and remember what brought us together as babies are born from love. I love my husband, this has never been in question for me. Also I'm pretty sure that in some cases there is no love involved in conception.

Then she asked about how unexplained diagnosis came about, then made a comment that "we know it's not anything wrong with husband" and me having to point out that according to tests there's nothing wrong with either of us, hence unexplained.

Thankfully I'd had a few drinks by this point and I'm usually laid back once I've had a few, otherwise I'd be crying!

[isthismummy]

Ugh, sorry daisyrosie. Sounds like MIL was trying to be helpful, but badly missing the mark.

What is it with all these MIL determined to prove their sons swimmers aren't the issue? Heard it so many times on here. As if it bloody matters were the problem lies.

Good luck with your IVF.

[daisyrosie]

Thanks isthismummy. I don't know, maybe they feel as long as it's not their son they will have a chance of having a grandchild, or maybe because infertility was usually seen as the woman's issue in the past. I'd always felt MIL was supportive up to now, but now feel that all along they were expecting the issues to be mine. But like you say, it doesn't matter what the problem is, if the outcome is the same, in our case ivf. I'm looking forward to starting, at least we can move on from being in limbo now. Onwards and upwards!

[santassausages]

"Are you sure you're doing it right?"

No, well, how about a demonstration then! I no longer see this particular person, thankfully. Still makes me seethe now.

[QODRestYeMerryGentlemen]

I'm 47, I'm pretty chilled and relaxed as a person, I've lost loads of weight, I get drunk a lot, I'm very fit, been with dh since I was 16, still not pregnant

😉

I can add that when a family member visited to meet our newborn baby girl thru surrogacy, she said "oh it suits you so much, I hope your u have your own one day"
😤🤔🖕🏼

My friend who has no Fallopian tubes dues to ectopic and major surgery with adhesions just needs to trust to fate apparently

[HollyMay84]

When I woke up after my first erpc after a mmc at 14 wks: I burst out crying, nurse comes over holds my hand and I get the old "everything happens for a reason, you can try again" I wanted to strangle her with my iv line! 😠

-Then there's the: stop trying it'll happen when you least expect it,
-you need a night out, go get drunk, fuck each other's brains out for the night! That worked for my sister and they weren't even trying! 🙄

The worst one, when I lost my son 19wks into pg.. I'd been back in work a day! One f**king day! I'd only had two wks off so was all still very raw... She was being polite, asking how I was, I explained that tests and pm were being carried out and had to take time off in a couple of weeks for results... She looks at me....she's confused....and then it speaks.. "Oh why all the fuss it was only a miscarriage not like it was a proper baby or anything" ..... (19wks he was! I held him ffs!) ... After standing there gobsmacked I just walked off and kicked the shit out of a door for 10mins 😤😡😔

[Blueroses99]

I'm so sorry HollyMay, not a proper baby?! I heard some shit after losing my son at 21wks but that would've pushed me over the edge.

[Hope2409]

Hi ladies, i have been reading this board with interest, after TTC for nearly 4 years with no BFP ever it still amazes me how insensitive people can be and the things they say.
HollyMay how you didnt smack that women in the face i dont know, what she said was bang out of order.

I've had all the usual, relax it will happen, stop trying, go on holiday bullshit but the worst couple for me were:

SIL after having her 3rd child telling me she didnt want me having a baby for at least a year anyway as it would steal her daughters limelight!

MIL when we told her our first round of ICSI had failed, 'oh shame i wanted twins, are you sure its right?' Well ive only been peeing on sticks for 4 years and never got a positive so i think i would bloody know what a negative looks like! Then she went on to tell me how women in third world countries have loads of babies with no problems!

My own mother just doesnt really know what to say, she thinks the whole thing is very clinical and is upset that the suprise has been taken out of it for her. Then she said i cant imagine you with a baby anyway!

The thing that really grated and upset me was after our round failed at the beginning of December everyone saying 'oh well just try again' and 'when do you go again' like IVF is some fun fair ground ride that you hop on for a giggle!
I just wanted to scream dont you get it, dont you get what we have been through!

Xx