Guide on what NOT to say to people going through infertility..

[Vixxfacee]

I thought we can have a space to share all of the stupid, outrageous and plain hurtful things that family, friends, colleagues and even strangers have said to us.

I will start.

Before starting ivf, friend says 'you really need to consider and get your head around adoption, they will match you with a child who looks like you'.

Same friend on a different occasion 'you should really go for counselling, I think the drama with your family is causing you not to conceive, your body is preventing it'.

Same friend when I told her I was spotting "you need to get the hospital to check you properly, you can't seem to hold pregnancies'. (I had a miscarriage 4 years ago and haven't been pregnant until now).

In the 2 ww after first round of ivf, telling another friend I was nervous she said 'have you guys ever considered adoption?'

Spotting at 5 weeks after having a fet and telling newly duffed friend I was going to the hospital, Friend says 'Oh can they just put another embryo back in?'

Same friend after I ignored the above comment "you need to have more sex, that's what I did and I've been pregnant twice'.

They are the more hurtful ones but I've also heard on many occasions:

Just relax
You need to try ovulation kits
Blah blah fucking blah

Anyone else care to share?

[bananafish81]

Oh and 'my cousin had IVF!'

You know about the IVF successes but do you know how many cycles they had before they got lucky? Do you know how many miscarriages they may have had along the way?

Do you know that IVF is more likely not to work than it is to work?

Someone told me a brilliant response to comments such as these

'I knew someone who was trying for 8 years, they stopped trying and boom they got pregnant naturally'

'I know someone who had failed cycle after failed cycle and they put themselves on the adoption list and boom, they got pregnant'

Etc etc

Answer: 'that's really lovely and I'm so pleased for them, but that doesn't have any relevance to my personal situation'

[Vixxfacee]

Banana you speaking about your baby just bought a tear to my eye

[bananafish81]

This did the rounds a while back and sums it up rather well

nadirahangail.com/2016/05/25/mind-your-own-womb/

[Vixxfacee]

My sister told me I didn't lose a baby but a heavy period after my miscarriage.
Also I came home from the hospital alone after seeing an empty scan and she knocked on my door and said "do you want to see the baby clothes I just bought for A (her 3 week old baby), mum thought it would cheer you up".

I can't believe some of the things I'm reading from you all. How can people be so thoughtless and insensitive.

[bananafish81]

Oh the 'it wasn't a baby it was just a ball of cells'

Right. So the video I have on my phone from the scan at 8+5 of a wriggling little distinctly baby like shape, with a head and limb stumps, which with the sound on, when she flipped the doppler on, has the most beautiful thump thump thump heartbeat sound.

That's not a baby though obvs. It's just a ball of cells.

Fuck off. That was my baby.

[Zippybear]

After an IVF chemical pregnancy - Ah well it's natures way. pretty sure nothing about that short lived pregnancy was natures way. Anyhoo this comment potentially may have been a comfort to someone who didn't just spend £5000 and is now looking at shelling that out again pfffff

[BorisIsBack]

So many times I've had Just relax / Go on holiday.
And recently - but you are not old enough for ivf.

[gameofchocs]

Some of these things are God awful, but I personally would've loved to hear "You can always try again now" etc. All I got was "It's just not the right time/you're too young, it's not meant to be". Oh, here's one that really shook me from BIL to DP -

"Now that's over just use contraception bro, you can't keep on getting gameofchocs pregnant" That was after our second loss, first planned pregnancy. Oh, and they already had a 1 year old little girl

Most from MIL, and BIL

Things did need to hurry up and happen for us, but that wasn't just because of my PCOS - losing a baby is blood hard and it makes you want to feel a void.

[Shesinfashion]

My best friend was trying for years to get pregnant when I was expecting my first. We shared an office and I was so dreading telling her. I never moaned about pregnancy symptoms and played it all down. Whilst it put a dampener on my excitement I considered her feelings to be more important.

She came round to see the baby but wouldn't hold her. I really appreciated her visit. I hope you all get your children.

[maamalady]

Oh bananafish, that's just awful. I'm so sorry.

to all of you who are going through shitty times.

I had all the standard comments - it will happen, there's always adoption, just relax, etc. But the worst was when staying over at a friend's house, sharing the spare bed with a pregnant friend. She told me all about her ultrasound scan in great detail and how her husband was overcome with wonder and joy. I just lay there while the pillow got all wet with silent tears. I couldn't even cry properly as that would have shaken the bed. Same friend insisted on showing DH and I the professional photos of the newborn baby when it had all got too much so I was trying to escape from their house where we'd been for dinner. I held it together long enough to admire the pictures, and then sobbed on DH's shoulder on their driveway.

I have two gorgeous daughters now (DD1 IVF, DD2 surprise natural) and cannot believe my luck. I hope with all my heart that everyone struggling with infertility is as fortunate.

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

Banana Yy - it is NEVER 'just a ball of cells'.

I have a friend who I went through treatment with.
She now has a lovely dd, the same age as my ds.
We are both well aware that we are 'the lucky ones'.
We know lots and lots of people who didn't get their longed for baby.
And lots whose relationships crumbled under the strain of trying.

But there is always a backstory, even to the 'success' stories.
My friend conceived 3 sets of twins.
She has one living child.
I, after 3 misc, got pg 1st time with icsi.
But my marriage has crumbled under it (and other things to be fair but IVF was the start of it), I have since had misc and my health has been permanently affected by the process.

I hope that all the people on this thread find peace and happiness.

[hollyisalovelyname]

My dsis was told by an aquaintance that ' we don't know whether to go for a new bathroom or another baby. In the end we went for both.'
Christ, how insensitive.

[bananafish81]

The other thing I've learned is that you just never know what someone else has been or is going through

Only since I've 'come out' about our infertility have I since discovered that people I thought were just yet another perfect family with one or two gorgeous kids, had or were going through hell and back

One had two kids. And went through 5 years, a couple of operations, 7 IUIs, 2 fresh cycles, 2 FET and several miscarriages to have them. I had no idea.

Another couple had four cycles before they had their twin girls.

One friend has a beautiful little boy. I since found out she has had three miscarriages in the space of 11 months trying for a sibling

Another couple have two boys. I recently found out they suffered three miscarriages before their first was born.

Another friend has three boys, but I didn't know she had 2 MMC, both discovered at the 12 week scan, between her first and second.

I've been disgustingly open about it all - but you realise just how unbelievably common it is. And yet we don't talk about it

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

Banana
it is not 'disgusting' to be open about it. It is brave. And it gives others permission to be brave and honest too. And that helps reduce misunderstanding and stigmas and helps us offer each other support.

I am sorry for your loss and hope your dreams come true for you.x

[Vixxfacee]

I've decided to be open now. A colleague whose partner was pregnant with their second child in 18 months asked me when it was my turn. I said soon. He said you're coming to 30 you better start ovulating.

He wasn't to know that actually I wasn't ovulating and that I had been struggling with infertility for years but it really cut me. I wish I had been open and shut him up.

[Dozer]

vixfacee Am sorry about your sister: she sounds much more toxic than your average insensitive tosser! And very sorry about your DN being taken into care, that's really sad.

to everyone going through infertility, and dealing with people being idiots.

"Mind your own womb" ("or penis") is a great slogan, and "shut your mouth" seems relevant too!

[Vixxfacee]

Thanks dozer, I'm NC with all of them now.

Shut your mouth is a great response.

[DaftOne]

I have been thinking about this a lot recently, and more so since my first IVF failed and I've fallen into a deep hole. I know it's hard to say the right thing and I actually sympathise with those who try and don't manage. But I think I've come up with a helpful rule for anyone who is not sure what to say. It's going to sound super melodramatic, but nevertheless I think it holds true. If you wouldn't say it to someone whose child had died, then don't say it to someone going through infertility. (Disclaimer: I am NOT trying to compare the two griefs and I KNOW it is not at all the same thing - I just think it works as a rule.) Would you dream of saying any of these things to someone grieving a lost child:

"It must be so lovely to have all that time just you and your partner."

"Having kids isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"Make the most of it - go on loads of fab holidays!"

"I envy your freedom - and lie ins!"

"If you're missing your child why don't you come over and play with mine?"

"You can have my kids if you want, they're driving me crazy."

Of course you wouldn't. People should be aware that women (and men) going through this crisis are existing with deep grief all the time. Understanding this may help people to judge the situation more sensitively. It's obviously not something you could ever point out though - so back we go to polite smiling and nodding at people's crass comments!

[loopylou1984]

'Well you might not not need IVF, maybe just a bit of fertility treatment'

[Artfooldodger]

Various corkers from my charming brother when he & his wife had their first child, but the icing on the cake was "You really should come & see our dd as you don't know what you're missing out on".

Then we finally conceived via icsi but were told at our 12 week scan that ds was very ill and not to continue the pregnancy - "Oh well, you can always have another one" was his comment to that!! Er no, highly unlikely for it to happen for us again after 6 years of trying.

We're very lucky that ds did make it and is now tucked up in bed, but those years of infertility affected us terribly & we're now NC with my brother.

[maamalady]

I keep coming back to your posts, banana, it is heartbreaking how breathtakingly insensitive people can be/have been. for you again.

I like that general rule, DaftOne. Like you say, the two things are not equal, but it would be a good way of indicating that living with infertility is living with grief. Although I have had doubtful looks when saying that infertility involves grieving for the baby you don't have every month, so maybe it wouldn't work with the chronically meatheaded.

[RobberBride]

People really can be stupid. I'm so sorry you're all going through this too. The best I've had is:

"Putting your life on hold for fertility treatment is just good practice for having a baby." Fuck off, it is not. I've started eating meat again after 10 years, I've stopped drinking caffeine and alcohol, I've stopped exercising, I've stopped going on holiday because of zika and treatment cycles. I've taken huge amounts of hormones, I've got cystitis from DTD constantly, I've got spots and greasy hair. After 21 months of treatment they have finally made me ovulate and while I'm really happy about that, the hcg trigger means I'm nauseous all day and exhausted. I know you mean well, and if I am pregnant on OTD and this is genuine morning sickness I will embrace it, but until then I'm tired, sick, grumpy and your fucking stupid comments about the TWW when you instadiffed the first month you tried are not helping.

Sorry everyone. Didn't realise how angry I was til I started typing.

[RobberBride]

I should add, for balance, that 99% of people who know have been brilliant and sensitive and supportive. To be fair, this friend is normally great, I think she was just having a bad moment at the point that I was feeling really crap and just needed a hug.

[Lunde]

I really hated the post-miscarriage Miss Marples that tried to "blame" me for the 3 miscarriages

• were you working too much?
  
• couldn't you have avoided stress?
  
• did you do any heavy lifting/gardening/decorating etc
  
• perhaps it was severely abnormal - did you see it?
  
• should you have gone swimming, dancing, jogging to yoga?
  

grrr