Guide on what NOT to say to people going through infertility..

[Vixxfacee]

I thought we can have a space to share all of the stupid, outrageous and plain hurtful things that family, friends, colleagues and even strangers have said to us.

I will start.

Before starting ivf, friend says 'you really need to consider and get your head around adoption, they will match you with a child who looks like you'.

Same friend on a different occasion 'you should really go for counselling, I think the drama with your family is causing you not to conceive, your body is preventing it'.

Same friend when I told her I was spotting "you need to get the hospital to check you properly, you can't seem to hold pregnancies'. (I had a miscarriage 4 years ago and haven't been pregnant until now).

In the 2 ww after first round of ivf, telling another friend I was nervous she said 'have you guys ever considered adoption?'

Spotting at 5 weeks after having a fet and telling newly duffed friend I was going to the hospital, Friend says 'Oh can they just put another embryo back in?'

Same friend after I ignored the above comment "you need to have more sex, that's what I did and I've been pregnant twice'.

They are the more hurtful ones but I've also heard on many occasions:

Just relax
You need to try ovulation kits
Blah blah fucking blah

Anyone else care to share?

[TapDancingPimp]

'Well at least you know you can get pregnant'. After my miscarriage.

Er no, I can't. It was an IVF pregnancy

[Grumpelstiltskin]

Also, following MMC after first round of IVF:

• at least you know you CAN get pregnant now
• you can always try again

I know these lines aren't particularly exclusive to the infertiles and are just as upsetting to anyone going through a miscarriage, but actually for me 'just trying again' means another round of expensive and undignified treatment at a minimum just when I thought I'd finally cracked it. So thanks for being so dismissive!

[Grumpelstiltskin]

Ha- tapdancingpimp. Maybe we know the same person (let's hope there's only one of them out there spouting that insensitive crap!)

[SerenaVanDerWoodsen]

Exactly Grumpelstiltskin

You're final paragraph sums up how I felt every time I got a 'helpful' anecdote

[SerenaVanDerWoodsen]

Oops cross posts- I meant the last paragraph of your first post!

[IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy]

"It'll happen, I'm sure of it" - yes, because that's exactly how it works
^
"^Just relax/forget about it/ it'll happen when you least expect it"

The worst was from my dm (who doesn't know we are trying and that I have pcos) "If you want to be a mum, you need to do it soon. You're not getting any younger, although you're not really maternal are you IsIt."

I have well meaning friends who don't know we're trying and I don't blame them when they ask "are you going to have children?" because I fully appreciate that it you have no fertility issues, it's not something you would think may upset someone. BUT being asked repeatedly by a friend who was (unknowingly) going through almost identical treatment to me and who got upset anytime anyone asked her about it made me so angry.

[bluebird3]

I've had a couple...

After confiding in a friend that we were having a hard time, I asked how long it took her and she said, 'uh...it was like 1-2 months I think, I don't really know, I'm just a Fertile Myrtle!'

And another friend has kids aged 5 and 10 and they are always playing the in the background when we talk. She knows how devastating it's been for us - and every time I talk to her if the kids are being loud or obnoxious she's always saying, 'ugh...are you sure you want kids? You can have mine.' Yes, I'm pretty f-ing sure that it is the deepest and strongest desire of my goddamn heart!!!

[MehMehM3h]

Ahh, I am so sorry you guys have had to deal with these comments.

Some of the ones I've got are "at least it's easier [re ivf] and you know when to have sex, you don't have to pee on sticks like I did!" I nearly beat said colleague with my mug. I explained a) no sex involved, b) it's not fucking easy as I have to take a load of drugs etc and c) I pissed on all of those sticks too and got nowhere!

Same colleague was the one to tell me to adopt and how she always wanted to do that first but husband vetoed it and wanted his own child. I did point out that it's easy to say that when you have your own baby...

My "best" friend - knowing full well about our situation, tells me that she's envious of my freedom and that I should "really, try to enjoy my freedom whilst I can" I did lay into her about that, should have really replied in all caps to emulate how fucking angry I was but didn't. I also said never to say that to someone else who is struggling. To which she replied with " well I meant biologically or through adoption" I wanted to know how she knew I'd adopt?! Especially when I don't bloody know. This same friend asked questions like why can't you put multiple embryos back (what if you only get one ffs- you're not guaranteed to get like 10!)

My brother once made a comment re are my Sundays as mad as his...to which I pointed out that as I lived with adults, no. He tried to backtrack. Nob.

My mum and aunts have made comments and I think my mum knows something is up but I don't want to tell her. I do tend to point out that if it was that bloody easy I'd have had a few by now!

I have had a friend tell me that I'm only sensitive to it all now because of what I'm going through...and implied that if it was someone else I might have said the same stupid comments! Erm no, I'd like to think that if a friend told me about it, I'd have Googled ivf before opening my mouth!

I've also had the best positive comments - winds me up. I hate the implication that positivity has an influence on the outcome. Same "best" friend has implied that I should be grateful that ivf is an option (nope, it's fucking torture)...

I was talking to a colleague and she was telling me how her salary pays for her kids school fees and have done since she had them. I turned around and said I have to pay just to HAVE the bloody baby and it may not even happen!

Mr Meh and I had a conversation once - I am coveting a massive American style fridge freezer and we were looking at the one I love...as we walked away he says to me it's either the fridge or a baby. I replied with if we bought the fridge at least we knew we would have it unlike a baby.

I have a friend whose sister is going through ivf so is great, however she asks a lot about the treatment and for some reason it winds me up...or it did last time. I am not sure why! This time round, I have decided not to tell anyone except my actual best friend and my boss.

I mean really, how hard is it to say "I'm so sorry, that's shit/unfair/what can I do?"

I've had friends who have had their first and second child in the time I've been trying for my first!

[Vixxfacee]

Sorry dozer, missed your post.

to all that have had miscarriages.

[Vixxfacee]

Meh
I feel your pain. My sister has had 3 children since I lost my my baby. And has now lost the older one whose in care due to neglect. I get so angry. It's not fair.

[Banana99]

My MIL not even sure why DH told her in the first fucking place usefully told me that she didn't want anymore grandchildren so didn't know why we were bothering...

You know - all about her....

[friends123]

"Don't worry, it only takes one " by someone who should know better. ;-)

[PeterandJudithSurname]

After a miscarriage. "Oh was it because of stress?"
Thanks a lot for suggesting i caused my mc and could have avoided it by being more relaxed.

[ShouldHavePlayedItCooler]

I had a friend who was going through IVF and we would commiserate together because my problem was trying to conceive after a neo-natal death. We both have families now, but some comments did stand out, like 'You can always try again' or even more intrusive, 'Are you trying again?' (erm... none of your business!). For me, just expressions of sympathy were nicest. What would you say are the best things to say?

[simplydivine05]

I am also sick to the back teeth of hearing "it will happen when it happens", "you just need to stop thinking about it", and "you need to just go out and get pissed and it will happen". AAARRRRGGGHHH!
I was bought a fertility book which I thought was sweet, however it was published in the 80's and a quick glance revealed it was telling me I was geriatric (at 31) and should be using saliva as lube .

[closephine85]

I was watching a Zita West video the other day about secondary infertility. She said something along the lines of 'a baby will
come when it's ready'. ERM what the..? I've found some of the least sympathetic/understanding comments have come from fertility specialists themselves. I've lost count of the times I've been told 'well you've done it before!', 'age is on your side' etc et friggin cetera!

[Shesinfashion]

What are people supposed to say though? I said to my friend (going through IVF) that having kids isn't all it's cracked up to be. I was being honest and trying to make her feel better. Just what is the right support?

[Zarya]

Don't say anything Shesinfashion. Just give a big hug and a massive shoulder to cry on. There isn't anything you can say other than you are there for her.

I know you want to make your friend better. But there are no magic words to fix this.

Being a parent is sodding hard work, but telling your friend that suggests you don't appreciate your DC and i am sure you do.

All she wants is a chance to have that experience and a goal to focus on while going through the shittist emotional and hormonal rollercoaster.

[MrsKittenPie]

I've had all these comments and glad it's not just me that wants to kick off when this 'well meaning advice' is imparted.... My particular favourites I've had are:

• you're overthinking it
  
• you need to relax and it'll happen
  
• have you heard about ovulation tests my friend was ttc for 5 years and the first month she used these it happened
  
• you're not getting any younger
  
• are you having sex? (Really??? That's where we're going wrong)
  
• have you not thought about having another? (It's on my mind every second of every day)
  
• just get drunk
  
• well you can come to my house and play with my daughter, it'll be like your own daughter (just fuck off!)
  
• I've got a feeling it will happen for you (this from someone who took all of 10 seconds to get pregnant)
  
• at least you can have a drink/eat soft cheese blah blah blah (do you honestly think this is any tiny consolation at all???)

[bananafish81]

'It WILL happen for you, you'll get there'

Oh really? And you know that how exactly? Do you know more than my Dr? How exactly do you know we will get there?

[bananafish81]

Oh yes. After my miscarriage. As I came round from the general anaesthetic in recovery in hospital after my ERPC

From the recovery nurses no less

'everything happens for a reason'

Oh right. So you'd say that to someone with cancer would you? What reason is that?

And 'you have an angel now'

I don't want a fucking angel. I was happier when I had a baby

If I wasn't lying on a hospital trolley still woozy from general anaesthetic and bleeding from having my dead baby surgically removed and crying because I remembered why I was there, I'd have said something or socked them squarely in the gob

As it was, I just kept on crying

[KittensandKnitting]

I had a nurse say to me the other day when at the reoccurring miscarriage clinic for my latest round of blood tests. "At least you know you can get pregnant" Mixed emotion of anger and despair considering this was just after miscarriage number 6.

It's awful how insensitive people can be, on miscarriage number three I had a friend tell me "everything happens for a reason and it wasn't a real baby at that stage anyway"

All I want to hear is "be kind to yourself and if you want to talk about it I will listen."

[bananafish81]

She'sinfashion - say that although you can't understand what she's going through, you can only imagine how difficult it must be, and that you are there for her.

Telling her how having kids isn't all it's cracked up to be isn't helpful

The life of an infertile isn't like the life you may have had before you had kids

We are childless but not child free

All our friends have kids and socialise with their mum friends from NCT, or the parents of their kids' friends from nursery or school.

Those that don't are mostly living wild and crazy child free lives. We're not going out on the lash because you shouldn't drink alcohol or caffeine or eat x or Y because all of that is bad for fertility, don't you know

Infertiles are in limbo.

What did you do this weekend? Sat at home in my pyjamas and talked to other barrens on infertility forums because at least they understand

Life with kids might not be all it's cracked up to be but try the life of a barren and see if you'd swap it

[bananafish81]

Oh god and 'having kids is so expensive! You're so lucky you don't have to pay nursery fees'

Yeah well try making them.

In the last 10 months I've spent £18,000 and all I have to show for it is one dead baby

And your point is?

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

Yes, it is best to say nothing other than:
I am sorry to hear that.
I am here if you want to vent / go out for a coffee/drink.

some of the worst I heard were also from HCP's /other people who should have known better. some gems included: 'plastic babies' (NCT person), 'oh, is your H a Jaffa then?' (from a Consultant), and: 'is the baby actually yours and from your husband?' from a GP who knew we'd had icsi with our own genetic material. In front of my 3 year old.