Guide on what NOT to say to people going through infertility..

[Vixxfacee]

I thought we can have a space to share all of the stupid, outrageous and plain hurtful things that family, friends, colleagues and even strangers have said to us.

I will start.

Before starting ivf, friend says 'you really need to consider and get your head around adoption, they will match you with a child who looks like you'.

Same friend on a different occasion 'you should really go for counselling, I think the drama with your family is causing you not to conceive, your body is preventing it'.

Same friend when I told her I was spotting "you need to get the hospital to check you properly, you can't seem to hold pregnancies'. (I had a miscarriage 4 years ago and haven't been pregnant until now).

In the 2 ww after first round of ivf, telling another friend I was nervous she said 'have you guys ever considered adoption?'

Spotting at 5 weeks after having a fet and telling newly duffed friend I was going to the hospital, Friend says 'Oh can they just put another embryo back in?'

Same friend after I ignored the above comment "you need to have more sex, that's what I did and I've been pregnant twice'.

They are the more hurtful ones but I've also heard on many occasions:

Just relax
You need to try ovulation kits
Blah blah fucking blah

Anyone else care to share?

Oh I have had that... Yay IVF is so exciting!

I am frankly terrified of the road ahead where we are gambling with low odds for something so precious, how the f is that exciting?

Argh! Potatoes that's the worst - the idea that a miscarriage is somehow a positive step further along in the process of having a baby - like it counts towards your eventual (inevitable!) success, like a draft of a final version. Like you've got a conception in the bag and can build on it in your subsequent cycles. Like it's some sort of sports training programme and you just need to run for an extra 5 minutes next time, and the time after that, and eventually with a bit of persistence you'll get to 5k.

Nobody seems to get that it means you're starting over again from zero. And that the more miscarriages you have the less likely it is you'll have a healthy baby. I've had doctors get excited about the idea that I'm bound to have a baby soon because it's 'my turn' for some good luck. I just want to slap them.

People's working models of the world are totally baffling.

Or "when are ye going to go again" in relation to ivf? As if it was a cakewalk and cost nothing. Usually this remark is about 2 days after a failed cycle so you are still reeling from the failure...

If I hear 'Just relax' one more time... I might relax my impulse to slap my friend in the face.

"Oh my friend had IVF, and it didn't work, so she went on holiday and got pissed every day and got pregnant naturally!". That's wonderful for her, but do you realise that the IVF possibly kick started her system, and that getting pissed on holiday isn't a magic cure all for intertility?

"You just need to forget about it and it will happen". Yep. 2 laparoscopies for severe endo, time ticking away, waiting to recover from my latest lap to ttc naturally for a while until my endo scars return and I'll need IVF - SURE I can relax!!!!!

But the worst one for me at the moment is "Are you SURE your DH wants DCs? He seems very busy. Are you SURE you want DCs? You don't seem so enthusiastic". This pisses me off the most. Because most people just fall pregnant, by which time nobody feels the need to critically analyse exactly how busy their DH is, and how enthusiastic they seem about DCs. Because it just is, and they will deal with it. Hell, I know plenty of people who, if you had scrutinized their lives before they had DCs the way I've been scrutinized, you would definitely decide they shouldn't have them!

But because we've had ample time to think about it, and have to decide whether to spend £££££ on it, all the time feeling more stressed and depressed, everyone feels the need to pass judgement on whether we'd be good parents or not. Plus I'm all the time trying to cushion myself against disappointment by telling myself my life without DCs is great and we'll be happy with great holidays etc if we can't conceive.. which makes people think I don't really want them after all. UUuugh.

Just found out today that I've miscarried after our IVF cycle and this thread has changed my tears to ones of laughter!

It's easy to think you are alone in this, and I'm sure none of us would ever wish it on anyone.. But just to know there are others who have walked (crawled...clawed their way) through this journey is very comforting!

My favourite so far is "you're lucky you don't have to worry about contraception at all, must make life so much easier!"

So sorry to hear that Jensy

Just slap anyone in the face if they dare say anything insensitive. You have special licence to do so.

Really sorry for what you're going through Jensy. I've been there and it was completely awful. I second the slapping suggestion.

Oak - I've had something similar from smug parents (& some well-meaning relatives): 'well, it might not suit you to have children. You do like your freedom!' Gives me the absolute rage. I mean, were they driven to parenthood by a hatred of freedom?

I had a classic last week. Conversation with pregnant best friend who just announced her preg
Me "so how have you been feeling"
Her" oh, you know what's it like, just really sick"

Err, no, I have no fucking idea what it's like

I was with two friends, A has two children, B has three. B asked A if she was having a third and she laughed and said definitely not. They both looked at me and B asked me if I was planning on having any. I think at this point we were 3 years ttc with iui/ivf and a couple of miscarriages behind us. I just said 'it helps if you're fertile' and she laughed and said 'Just the dog for you then!'

I've had all the usual bollocks post MC.
'It was probably for the best'
'It wasn't meant to be'
'Everything happens for a reason's
'At least you know you can get pg now'

This last one winds me up the most. After three MCs it's not much consolation to get pg unless there's a live baby at the end of it! And given none of my pregnancies happened without help of some kind, it doesn't suddenly prove I'm not infertile either, or give me any hope that we could suddenly conceive naturally, if anything it proves the only way I can pg is with help, and it's fucking expensive to go through IVF!!

One close friend who knew what we were going through actually sent me a photo of her child with food all over his face with the caption 'at least you don't have to deal with this.'

Another friend who had a newborn asked how the IVF was going and when we said it had failed she bounced her new baby on her knee and said 'Oh, you don't want one anyway!' as if it was all too much hard work. No, you're right, we just put ourselves through IVF but we probably don't really want a baby... Ffs.

Oo, I feel better having got some of that out!
Some people are just fuckwits!
Sorry for those people who are getting stupid comments from family, at least friends can be cut!!

Barking tree frog the picture text message and that comment after your failed cycle have made me cry. Why do people think that those comments are ok?! What a complete lack of empathy!

I just have to share a conversation - you know in Bridget Jones Diary, the Jellyfish? Where someone keeps saying vile things and they have a jellyfish counter at the bottom? This was the infertility jellyfish!
I think she genuinely meant to be helpful but ARGH!!!

Her: Do you have children?
Me: (Hoping to shut down convo and get on with work) No.
Her: Would you like children?
Me: Yes.
Her: When do you think you will have them?
Me: (Hoping even more now to shut down convo) well actually, it's not through lack of trying. Twisty tubes and limited eggs! so actually, it's tricky.
Her: Oh well, I should send around mine when they are being vile. Then you won't want any! (Jellyfish counter: 1)
Me: Noncommital hmm
Her: Have you thought about adoption? (Jellyfish counter 2) (Long story about 3 different people she knows who all adopted)
Me: Typing away looking interested in work
Her: I know someone who tried 3 goes at IVF then conceived naturally! (Jellyfish counter...spiralling)

Me: I am going to get a drink! (Cries in toilet)

Phew I feel glad for getting that off my chest!

Sorry Elles that you had to hear that shit.

Elles I'm trying to think of the Jellyfish in BJD but I just can't remember!

I'm sorry that you had to go through such an excruciating conversation. I had something similar with a (former) best friend, single and childless I should add, who related to how hard her sisters found with her nephews and nieces, that I can add meaning to my life by volunteering , that if I'm so upset about not having children then I'm probably not ready (I was suffering infertility related depression), and I can always adopt.

Thank you Blue and Vixx! I think she genuinely thought she was being helpful...argh!

Blue - I am guessing that your "Best friend" is former due to those disgusting comments??? What a b**ch! How are you not ready to have children if you are devastated by not having them????!!!!

The sad thing is that she said this to me just after an abandoned IVF cycle and as I was getting ready to start the next cycle (she didn't know) and I was so scared of other friends reacting the same way that I kept it to myself and had a very lonely (ultimately unsuccessful) cycle. I just spoke to the wrong person, other friends have been lovely and supportive in later cycles. I'm puzzled because she does a lot of charity work related to very sensitive subjects and I don't understand how she can be SO unsympathetic and lack empathy towards me.

I was told to 'wear a tracksuit, drink cider and go for it, as that's what chavs do and they get pregnant all the time!'

Worth a try 🤔

Just thought I'd add mine here, I've only just started preliminary fertility tests for TTC #1 but I've had a lot of problems regarding with my period which has meant I've missed a lot of family social occasions. So naturally my MIL found out we were having trouble. Her response?

"Oh well, at least I've already got two grandkids."

Well, as long as your happy!

I'm sorry if I am being insensitive by posting on here but I wanted to get a further insight into what my SIL is feeling. I am so sorry that you all have had to go through such a heartbreaking and shit time.

I am afraid I have been guilty of saying 'hopefully your holiday may help' and 'maybe you should let yourself have a few drinks' to relax. However, only because my SIL has said that an expert has told her it's clearly stress and she knows it is too. It is so hard to know what to say. I have mostly just listened and sympathised at how shit it must be but now feel awful.

The last time I saw her she was telling me how shit it was that another friend had got pregnant, and so quickly. She said she has had to cut every pregnant person / person with a child out if her life as too hard. I felt awful as I was pregnant but only nearly 9 weeks. I sympathised and tried to just listen but felt two faced and guilty as hell.

She somehow guessed and texted me to ask if pregnant, saying it must be hard now to say. I knew we should let her husband (my husband's brother) break it to her. I knew I had an early scan the next day so had to wait and felt bad leaving it. I would've waited until 12 weeks if this hadn't happened.

My husband had to break the news by email to his brother as couldn't get hold of him and couldn't leave it longer ir risk her being there as he said. She texted to say congratulations and I appreciate that that word alone must be so difficult. I said I appreciate it and I know how difficult it must be, explained the reason for the delay and said 'I hope things work out for you on your time off'. She's taking a sabbatical in the hope she can destress to hopefully help things.

I didn't expect a reply but now wonder was that the wrong thing to say? I imagine she won't want any offers of being there as now a horrible reminder. I think she will cut us out like she has others and do understand it's too hard for her.

I am worried about her as she said something a little suicidal when we were there.

In short, what is the best approach in a situation like this?

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Very awkward position about the timing of telling - sounds like you handled rolling the news out as best you could

I am unsure as to what experts have told her stress is the reason for her infertility, and would love to know the data on which they're basing this. My consultant has said quite categorically that stress doesn't cause infertility, but infertility causes stress. Fecundity rates in war zones are no different to those in peaceful countries - and I'd say those were intensely stressful environments

Someone telling me to relax and it'll happen would frankly make me want to thump them. Sorry.

I hope the sabbatical helps her, and 'I hope it works out for you' is always appreciated. The 'on your time off' bit would piss me off personally, as it would be putting even more pressure on this time, and guilt that maybe my stressful job was the reason I wasn't getting pregnant

Unless she isn't having enough sex at the right time because of her job, or she's so stressed she isn't ovulating, then maybe her sabbatical will increase the likelihood of her conceiving

But saying (and I include the so called experts who've told her this) stress is preventing her from getting pregnant suggests her infertility is somehow her fault

It isn't.

She may feel like she isn't strong enough to see you for some time. The best thing you can say to her, IMO, is that you realise how difficult this must be for her, and that you understand if she needs time and space, and that you are there for her when she feels ready.

Xx

Telling a friend that DP and I have our first fertility appointment for IVF next week and she said ,well it might not work.' Yes and I might get hit by a bus today!!!

People can be so insensitive or just damn right stupid!!

Thanks for your response.

Feel awful. I never meant to suggest that stress is what is causing it. It's hard to know what to say sometimes and she had said herself she thought the holiday may help and she needed to unwind and maybe even just enjoy herself and have a month off trying for the sake of her marriage.

I hadn't even considered that that last part would make her feel under pressure. Ran it by quite a few people as all I could think of after the scan was what to say, so it's shit to think despite my best intentions I've upset her further.

The thing is, I just don't know if texting her again will dredge it up. If I say I understand she needs time and space but there for her when she feels ready I fear she will be thinking 'Well, I can't ever face seeing you again' or 'You'd be the last person I can turn to now'. Is that a possibility?

Also, I am sure her husband is trying his best but extremely worried about her mental state. Is it normal to say suicidal things? But my husband can't check really with his brother on this without sounding interfering or patronising.

I think you sound like a lovely thoughtful person but you are in a no win situation. There are plenty of things you could say to make your SIL feel worse but very little that could make her feel better. Of course you should avoid sending her pregnancy updates and in particular any pregnancy related complaints.

Agree with Banana's comments re stress.

In terms of the mental health, infertility related depression is a real thing but can be treated. It can be difficult to ask for help though. Speaking from my own experience, when I was in that state I did feel that my life wasn't worth living without children, and I didn't have a purpose in my life so what was the point - not suicidal (though I can see how it might sound that way) but just feeling helpless.

Something like "I don't know what to say but I'm always here for you" would be ok for me. I might not get in touch straightaway but will know the door is open.

Thank you Bananafish and Bluerose. There are campaigns surrounding mental health and how to be there for someone but I think more could be done to raise awareness of how to be there for people that are going through / had to go through the heartbreak and pain that you guys are. So thanks for taking the time to help me hopefully say and do the right thing. (Though some of the comments you guys have received are clearly not well-meaning or should be bloody obviously upsetting and I would probably punch some of those people in the face if it were me!)

Thinking of you all.x x

I'm really shocked at some of the insensitive things that have been said.

But I do wonder, having read this thread, if there is literally nothing that anyone could say that wouldn't be deemed wrong. The only thing I can think of is 'I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you ever need to talk you know where I am' which kind of sound as though you're closing the current conversation down.

Some of things mentioned here don't seem that bad to me which makes me think that it's probably safest to say nothing at all but if someone is talking to you about infertility they must want you to say something...

It's not the same at all but I'm going through fertility treatment to TTC as a single woman so I do understand some of the feelings tied up with a failed fertility treatment and I've lost pregnancies so I understand the awfulness of losing a pregnancy that was hard to achieve in the first place. After my missed miscarriage at 11 weeks people did say the wrong thing but I'd rather they tried than avoiding me in case they said the wrong thing!

What are the helpful things that people can say?